wildviolet

I think is the take-home point for me... I am responsible for this project, and I need to take charge. So, I plan on sitting down with #1 and #2 and explicitly stating boundaries and responsibilities. I'll report back about this soon!

Au contraire, Usmivka... we have our share of tedious tasks, too (e.g., coding--not computer programs but hundreds of participant responses). No need to apologize. But, your comment makes me think... so #2 joined our research group because #1 asked me if I thought it would be okay for #2 to email my advisor about it. Of course, I said. No problem. So, it's not as if my advisor thought we needed another person in the group. He's just very generous with his time and wants to give people opportunities. However, I'm different because I'm officially doing this for my RA while #1 and #2 are doing this "for fun." So, for example, he invited #1 to continue with the project this semester if #1 wanted to... but made it clear that there was no expectation on his part that #1 stay with the project. Sigh. So does this complicate the issue, or make it easier?

Sorry!!! At least #2 didn't say it while I was there--OMG, I would have been mortified, especially since I'm just now starting to develop a more comfortable relationship with my advisor.

I'm afraid authorship will probably be expected if we actually get this project up and running... Not going to work this time... this project has multiple components that can turn into long-term projects... I don't really have any say... but it's a weird situation because s/he is participating on a voluntary basis. However, s/he can still be an author on papers and presentations. Yeah, I think approaching my advisor would be bad (as much as I like and appreciate him). I would feel like I was complaining or whining or not able to figure it out on my own. #2 could become an issue if s/he continues to act the way s/he does... For example, today I had to leave the meeting early and #1 and #2 stayed to continue the conversation. Apparently, #2 said something to my advisor about how I had said that project X needed to be put on the back burner. I didn't mean it literally that way... and taken out of context, it doesn't sound like how I meant it to sound. So #1 reports back to me (because I asked him/her how the meeting went after I had left), and #1 says that well #2 said to your advisor that you said this. #1 understands what I meant. But, #2 didn't quite pick up on the nuances in our conversations... so I am concerned that whatever discussions happen between the three of us will be reported back to my advisor in a way that is not quite accurate. Also, I chatted with my mentor (second-year grad student with same advisor) and s/he recommended not talking to the advisor quite yet (after all, #2 hasn't done anything). But my mentor says that s/he feels the same way about #2--s/he senses the same social awkwardness! Eureka--triangulation (all we can hope for in the social sciences, LOL)! We had a good laugh about how weird some doctoral students can be. Also, that the way faculty often deal with someone they dislike is to not work with him/her. The one thing that might save me and #1... apparently #2 has started asking about another professor's research project... what? How much free time do you have??? Anyway, I was thinking... maybe I could suggest that this professor's project is so cool and would be totally awesome and maybe #2 will decide to drop our project... (I can only hope).

I think it might be a little weird to give a gift... a sincere "thank you for showing me around" would be enough for me. Also, what Eigen said.

Ok, here goes... I'm going to try my best to explain the situation... (sorry for all the s/he stuff but want to preserve some sort of anonymity) I work on a research project with my advisor for a funded research assistantship. At the beginning of the year, Colleague #1 joined me on this project--not paid because s/he already has a NSF fellowship but just a few hours a week because s/he was interested in the project, and we used it as the final project for one of our courses. This semester, Colleague #1 asked if another colleague could join the project (I did not know Colleague #2)--Colleague #2 is also not getting paid because s/he is not officially in our department and cannot get paid. But, Colleague #2 did not feel that s/he was getting enough research experience in his/her department and asked to join the project, perhaps working for a few hours a week. Now, the problem is that Colleague #1 is now annoyed by Colleague #2 (I guess Colleague #1 did not know Colleague #2 as well as s/he thought s/he did). Hmmm... so Colleague #1 confides in me today that s/he senses that Colleague #2 is "fake" and not pulling his/her weight so far (it's been only 3 weeks). Colleague #1 wanted to know if I felt the same way. My response? Yes, I sensed the same thing... but I wasn't conscious of it until s/he mentioned it. Colleague #1 does not want to work with Colleague #2 now. I must say that Colleague #2 is fairly young--maybe s/he is just immature? Does not pick up social signals? Is too earnest and eager to please? So, my question is: I trust Colleague #1. We get along great. I barely know Colleague #2. What do I do? Is it appropriate to approach Colleague #2? My advisor? Wait it out? (Colleague #1 is against the last one.) Thanks.

I've noticed that many people are comfortable talking in small groups but become nervous when they have to talk to the whole group or present to their peers. The people in my program are so nice and supportive yet all of us were still a little anxious when we presented our final projects. It's perfectly normal and gets better with practice. I'm somewhat comfortable speaking to groups of people but only because I've been a classroom teacher for so many years! And it's definitely different speaking to your peers or professors than to students. Before I teach or present, I usually visualize myself teaching or presenting with confidence so that when it's time for the real thing I feel like I've already practiced a bit. Keep trying--it'll get better!

We were just talking in my research methods course today about how much of us is society and how much of us is actually us. The take-home message--do not underestimate the power of socialization!

I got a moderate association of Male with Science and Female with Liberal Arts.

Kudos to you for getting a physics degree! My degree is in earth and planetary sciences, but my graduating year, there were 4 women (no men). But, the faculty was 90% white male. My own personal experience--I didn't pursue graduate study for multiple reasons, but one major reason was the discrimination I saw against women in the sciences. I went to a physics talk where the men were clearly looking the female speaker up and down even though she was dressed conservatively in a dark skirt suit. This is a complex issue, and there's no easy answer, but I wanted to hear others' experiences.

Thanks!

Me, too... but sometimes I feel like the lack of sensory experiences make me feel like I'm less connected to the physical world. Does that make sense? Yes, I feel the same way. Yep, I agree with this, too. I know people who eschew Facebook but use Twitter or some other social media. But... I guess I hold the conception that the physical world is the real world, the norm, as you say. For example, I know someone who is an introvert--and she posts on Facebook multiple times a day. I guess it's her way of interacting with others without interacting with others, you know what I mean? Anyway, thanks for sharing all your thoughts, y'all.

I asked what it was like to work with my potential advisor. One answer that I got from one of his postdocs: "He's the best boss I've ever had!" Well, that did it for me. Think about what you're most concerned about... your colleagues? The faculty? Work conditions? Living options? Nightlife?

Share your two cents. What's it like being a woman in a STEM field? Pros? Cons? Things you wish you knew? Things you wish you could change? Many women opt not to pursue advanced study or careers in STEM fields for a variety of reasons. Why did you stay? Or, what made you pursue a STEM field of study and/or career despite the difficulties? Guys, you can chime in, too. Thanks!

No womyn???

I don't know what happened... all I know is that I posted, came back at some later point, and there were what appeared to be a group of up-votes and down-votes, and a message from a moderator. I'm sorry to hear about your experience, and I also understand your point of view. When I up-vote or down-vote, it's for exactly the same reasons that you state. This whole experience makes me wonder about the decision recently to enable us to view who up-votes/down-votes. Before, it was anonymous (I think).

Thanks for moderating, fuzzylogician. I didn't realize about the gang-up mentality until I read your post and went back and looked at all the up- and down-voting that must have taken place very recently. I don't know the people who did this, and it was not my intention for people to do this--so I apologize to Armadilla for this happening. Sorry!

Hi y'all--So I've been thinking about this question as I find myself more and more in front of the computer (perhaps more on a philosophical and rhetorical level than anything else). Do you see your "virtual" lives on social media, forums like GC, YouTube, etc., less real than your "real" life? Or is everything pretty much in our heads? Just curious to see what GCers are thinking about this topic. Right now, I'd have to say that my virtual life doesn't feel as real as my real life. In my head, there's a neat division between when I'm online and when I'm not. But, the interactions I have with people online, the laughs I get from watching YouTube videos, the emotions I feel when I read blog posts... these are all real. So then does it not matter what the stimulus is? Thanks!

OMG, me, too!!! I keep the Costco-sized bottle in my desk drawer, and I carry a travel-sized bottle with me.

With all due respect, Armadilla, the topic of this thread is social exclusion, not immigration and international students. I object to your characterization of my post, and I disagree with your conclusion that "If you are gonna make an argument, such as "then why does she even come here??" or "why do all these foreigners come here if they can't handle it?", then you are running into a fundamental problem here." I never made this assertion, nor do I think my original post reflects this position, and I am offended on a professional level that you would deem to make such an outrageous inference from the information available. I was not looking for any accolades when I described the situation. I do try to be a good person, and there's nothing wrong with stating that. My actions speak louder than my words. I offered her a solution to a childcare problem when I saw that she had not thought ahead to arrange for childcare--she didn't have to take me up on my offer, but she did, and I do not regret it. I also see nothing wrong with sharing my feelings here, but I do not see any value in telling her my personal feelings. She's not my friend, significant other, or family member--if she were, I would have no qualms saying what I thought needed to be said for her own sake. However, if she were to ask me directly, then I would tell her what I thought. This situation is not a conflict between two people--it's my personal feelings about a person. Whether I choose to share them with her is up to me and depends on the context. As of right now, I see no benefit in me sharing my personal feelings with her. She has developed a support network consisting of other graduate students from her country and other members of our cohort. It's not like I'm the only person she talks to. Also, I do not equate maturity with the inability to keep my mouth shut. What is immature is you going back and up-voting your own posts and down-voting those that support me. I mean, whatever, but I'm just letting you know that I noticed that, and I personally don't view that as mature, even for an online forum.

OMG, I misread the title as "my advisor invited me to move in with them?" Ummm, what? Seriously, though, I know two people who transferred into our program and had to repeat some courses. One person followed their advisor, and the other person didn't like their first school. It sucks that you may have to repeat some things, but in the end I think your decision depends on your dissertation work.

Frankly, you need to work on your analysis skills if you dare to deduce all of that from my post. You are ranting about the perceived status of international students, not me. And, by the way, I am not a US Citizen, although I've lived here since I was a year old. I brought up the point about her being an international student because: (1) she is, and (2) it means that her support network here is limited (her family isn't here). In case you haven't figured it out, GC is a safe online space for us to rant, if we want to, about issues that affect us in grad school. So, you can rant all you want about issues that are important to you--just don't attribute that to me! In my case, I was answering the OP's post and providing an example of someone--me--who was doing the excluding. I don't normally like to exclude anyone, but, in this case, I felt that it was justified. Four months later, and we are pretty much at the same point. She told me that she was available during the winter break for social outings, but I never took her up on her offer. I've developed closer friendships with others in my cohort, and these relationships are nothing like the time I spend with her. Her status as an international student has nothing to do with how I feel towards her--her behavior is simply annoying! At the same time, I see no reason to tell this to her face. What good will that do for anyone? On the other hand, when she was having trouble in her TA section (she was arguing with a student during class!), I told her point blank what I thought she needed to do--back off, calm down, and rethink her standards to fit American standards (sad, but true). She looked like she was about to cry, but I told her as neutrally but firmly as I could. So, I see this action on my part as helping her survive TAing professionally. But, I'm not going to tell her my personal feelings about her--why does she need to know? And, just for the record, we have lots of international students in our program, and I love having them here.

I'm taking a class with our department chair this semester (who is well-known in the field), and she assigned us an article from the Economist last week as a look at research from perspectives outside our field. So, yeah, I think it's a good deal, especially at $1.76 an issue. To put it in perspective, I pay more for a cup of coffee! (I know, I need to get off my lazy a** and make my own instead of always buying it at the cafe).

Every school has its own norms. At my school, there's a range of styles--my advisor is super casual, but he does dress up sometimes (i.e., a button-up shirt, no tie or jacket). I feel a bit overdressed compared to my colleagues, but that's because most of the clothes I have are business casual from my professional teaching days, and I have made a commitment to not buying new clothes this year. With this cold weather, I gravitate towards boots, jeans, and sweaters/cardigans/nice tops (not t-shirts). In warmer weather, I'll wear a skirt/dress with sandals. I always wear natural-looking makeup, but that's just me. Other people don't wear any makeup, not because they're in grad school, but because that's just what they normally do. Wear whatever makes you feel comfortable!

Dal PhDer--you're still alive! Missing you over on your blog! Anyway, I've been to just one conference so far--people were very chill. A lot of networking, drinking, eating, sharing of ideas, encouragement, and patting each other on the back. This year I'm excited for an upcoming conference in Puerto Rico!!! The hotel rooms are selling out like crazy already... I love my field!