Anxiety level through the roof

[robot_hamster]

I know other people have talked about having problems with anxiety and depression on here, but I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown. I can't sleep at night and all I want to do is eat stuff. I am constantly worrying about my classes or how the professor I am a TA for thinks I am doing. I can't concentrate enough to read the assigned materials for class. There are times where I won't even make it through a paragraph before my mind starts to wander and I will be like "Wait, what did I just read?". I am supposed to write several papers this semester, but I have been having so much trouble writing lately. I will literally stare at a blank word document for hours trying to figure out how to start writing something. I might type a beginning sentence out, only to immediately erase it because it doesn't sound right. Most of all though, I am stressed out about money. I gave up my part-time employment status at my job for this TA position. I still work there on weekends, but it is just getting to be too much since that time could be better spent working on stuff for school. I fear quitting my job all together though because I won't have anything for this coming summer or anything to fall back on if I don't find another TA position (there are no guarantees I will be able to get TA positions for future semesters). I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. The councilors they have at my school don't really seem to understand. They act like I should just think positively and all my problems will fade away. Yeah...

[natsteel]

robot, if the counselors at your school aren't giving you the help you think you need, perhaps you should consider seeing a non-affiliated professional. Speaking from experience, if you're depressed and have anxiety to the point that it's affecting your life and your work, such as you describe, then there are viable treatment options. But you won't know unless you go see a professional that will take you seriously. And don't sit on this... the sooner you do it, the better.

[far_to_go]

I agree with natsteel. Sounds like you're dealing with much more than just run-of-the-mill stress. If the counseling staff at your school isn't taking you seriously, I hope that you can find a health care provider and/or psychologist who will. I know that it can be difficult to be proactive in seeking care when you're in the state you describe; is there a friend or relative whom you could call on for support in getting the care you need?

Wishing you the best.

[robot_hamster]

I don't really have any friends I can count on. I have my husband, but he thinks I'm being overly dramatic and that I need to get over it. How much would a more professional therapist cost? I don't have insurance anymore and I don't think I could afford $75-$100/hr. I have seen therapists before, a long time ago when I had insurance. I didn't really like any of them. Most of them just tried throwing pills at me (but I can't stand the way they make me feel) and one told me there was nothing wrong with me. I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager. It usually cycles up and down, but right now it seems like I just keep going down and down. There is just too much stuff that I am having to deal with. I had to go to work today and it was awful. The time just seemed to crawl by and I didn't want to be there at all.

Edited January 22, 2011 by robot_hamster

[psycholinguist]

Is there a student health insurance program at your school with which you could request a referral to an outside specialist? Otherwise, try Googling around for help in your area; you may be able to find a group that works with lower-income people.

I agree with all of the above. Actual psychiatrists (as opposed to psychologists or counselors) are the best bet because they have medical training and know how to deal with mental-health issues as medical conditions, and how to address them with whatever combinations are going to suit the problem and the person best: talk-therapy, medications, cognitive-behavioural therapy, etc. It's not an overreaction, a personality-flaw, a weakness, or a case of runaway emotions. It isn't nothing, either; but it's just some brain-chemistry that isn't quite working right.

[robot_hamster]

I was reading the information on the "health plan" that I get as a grad student. It says that all services, including counseling and psychological services, are covered 100% at the university's health center. It says it will pay 80% on preferred providers outside the university's health center after a $400 deductible. I'm not sure if and how that applies to seeing an outside psychiatrist. I can ask the next time I am there at the health center.

[psycholinguist]

I was reading the information on the "health plan" that I get as a grad student. It says that all services, including counseling and psychological services, are covered 100% at the university's health center. It says it will pay 80% on preferred providers outside the university's health center after a $400 deductible. I'm not sure if and how that applies to seeing an outside psychiatrist. I can ask the next time I am there at the health center.

Sounds like a good start! Go for it!

[robot_hamster]

I had a side thought about this today. I'm wondering if some of this is stemming from the fact that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I attended a small liberal arts college as an undergrad. This is a large state university and I am no longer surrounded by like minded people. I'm not saying I don't appreciate diversity, I work with a lot of different kinds of people at my job. But I guess when it comes to my area of study, I have a set of ideals. Those ideals seem to be in the minority here. Does that make sense? I can see why I feel so alienated.

[YA_RLY]

I had a side thought about this today. I'm wondering if some of this is stemming from the fact that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I attended a small liberal arts college as an undergrad. This is a large state university and I am no longer surrounded by like minded people. I'm not saying I don't appreciate diversity, I work with a lot of different kinds of people at my job. But I guess when it comes to my area of study, I have a set of ideals. Those ideals seem to be in the minority here. Does that make sense? I can see why I feel so alienated.

That could be part of it. In psychology, we call it the "fundamental need to belong." So, if you truly don't feel like you fit in anywhere, that is a problem! I have felt it before, too. It is terribly unpleasant. I typically overcome this in a few ways: 1. I get to know the others better. As we get to know each other, I feel like less of an outsider, and I feel that everyone's perspective is more appreciated.

2. I find another group to belong. It can be anything. Kickball, dance class, fencing, others who love coffee, church. If you like it and it works for you, you got it.

Those have worked out well for me, robot_hamster. I hope you feel better soon.

[robot_hamster]

Thank you for your answers. I haven't had a chance to find anything out yet. One of our pets was having some medical issues, so I have been busy. I was totally unprepared for class today, ugh!

[natsteel]

Definitely look into finding one of your plan's "preferred" outside psychiatric providers. Don't let anyone dismiss your concerns either. I know how that can make it even more frustrating on your part. Try to do your reading little chunks of 10-20 minutes... when you know you only have to do it for a short period of time, sometimes it's easier to focus.

[Medievalmaniac]

I know other people have talked about having problems with anxiety and depression on here, but I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown. I can't sleep at night and all I want to do is eat stuff. I am constantly worrying about my classes or how the professor I am a TA for thinks I am doing. I can't concentrate enough to read the assigned materials for class. There are times where I won't even make it through a paragraph before my mind starts to wander and I will be like "Wait, what did I just read?". I am supposed to write several papers this semester, but I have been having so much trouble writing lately. I will literally stare at a blank word document for hours trying to figure out how to start writing something. I might type a beginning sentence out, only to immediately erase it because it doesn't sound right. Most of all though, I am stressed out about money. I gave up my part-time employment status at my job for this TA position. I still work there on weekends, but it is just getting to be too much since that time could be better spent working on stuff for school. I fear quitting my job all together though because I won't have anything for this coming summer or anything to fall back on if I don't find another TA position (there are no guarantees I will be able to get TA positions for future semesters). I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. The councilors they have at my school don't really seem to understand. They act like I should just think positively and all my problems will fade away. Yeah...

I'm coming to the table late on this one, but there are two things I would recommend that you do immediately, because it is the quickest way to get back to center.

First, make an appointment with the health center to be evaluated for anxiety and/or depression and get yourself on a low dose of something like Paxil or Budeprion. You can get fairly inexpensive prescriptions if you go generic, and they really DO help.

Second, go to the professor you are TAing for and speak with him or her about your job. Tell him or her you really want to succeed and you don't want to let him or her down, and that you would really appreciate any feedback s/he can give you about how s/he perceives you in your capacity as a TA, especially anything you can concretely be working on improving.

I would then make an appointment to speak with the director of graduate studies and TALK to him or her about what you have said here. You would not be the first and will not be the last graduate student ever to feel the way you are feeling, and the DGS for your program will know what you mean and will likely be able to help you see things more objectively and give you pointers for handling it.

They WANT you to succeed. They PICKED you. They have invested in you. Give them a shot to help you through this. Don't suck it up in some misbegotten belief that you are solely responsible for your success and if you were any good you would be doing fine. All you're doing is setting yourself up as a martyred failure if you go on that way. Go to those responsible for graduate studies and let them know where you are and where you want to be. That IS part of their job. Too few graduate students are comfortable approaching people when they have problems - but that's exactly when you need to approach people to help you!

Hang in there!! It will get better. Just take the initiative to swallow your fear and go to them.

[robot_hamster]

I'm coming to the table late on this one, but there are two things I would recommend that you do immediately, because it is the quickest way to get back to center.

First, make an appointment with the health center to be evaluated for anxiety and/or depression and get yourself on a low dose of something like Paxil or Budeprion. You can get fairly inexpensive prescriptions if you go generic, and they really DO help.

Second, go to the professor you are TAing for and speak with him or her about your job. Tell him or her you really want to succeed and you don't want to let him or her down, and that you would really appreciate any feedback s/he can give you about how s/he perceives you in your capacity as a TA, especially anything you can concretely be working on improving.

I would then make an appointment to speak with the director of graduate studies and TALK to him or her about what you have said here. You would not be the first and will not be the last graduate student ever to feel the way you are feeling, and the DGS for your program will know what you mean and will likely be able to help you see things more objectively and give you pointers for handling it.

They WANT you to succeed. They PICKED you. They have invested in you. Give them a shot to help you through this. Don't suck it up in some misbegotten belief that you are solely responsible for your success and if you were any good you would be doing fine. All you're doing is setting yourself up as a martyred failure if you go on that way. Go to those responsible for graduate studies and let them know where you are and where you want to be. That IS part of their job. Too few graduate students are comfortable approaching people when they have problems - but that's exactly when you need to approach people to help you!

Hang in there!! It will get better. Just take the initiative to swallow your fear and go to them.

This all sounds like good advice and I appreciate it. I do want to say though that I am not comfortable going to the associate director again. I literally begged, groveled at their feet even, just to get this TA position. You may not remember, but I spoke of this in another thread last fall. If I go to them again and tell them I am depressed and anxious, they may regret giving me a chance with a TA position. And now that I think about it, I would be afraid to go to the graduate studies office as well. Seems like you can't say anything in confidence at that school. You come to one person with an issue and before you know it everyone knows about it.

[Vacuum]

Is there another clinic at your university that isn't the student clinic? Usually there are normal healthcare clinics and perhaps they will be more likely to provide you with 'preferred' help outside of the school counselors. I also think you should speak with someone in your grad program, whether is be a close prof or whomever so that they know what is going on. If your grades and assignments start really slipping and they have no idea what is going on, you might get even more stressed out if they begin to respond negatively to you. I think that most people are understanding and many have probably gone through the exact same thing. People are often willing to be a bit more flexible and understanding if they know you are having medical issues. I work with students in Med school and we have many students who have their struggles through the program. I found that the course directors, doctors and profs are all very understanding, will listen to you and try to help as best they can -- whether that be finding you the proper medical help, extending assignment deadlines, etc. If the people you are working under in your department are truly professional, they will not go around telling everyone your problems that you revealed in confidence.

Edited February 3, 2011 by Vacuum

[robot_hamster]

Vacuum - The people in my department don't reveal things said in confidence (at least not that I know of), but the people in graduate studies sure do! That is who the other person was telling me to talk to. I have gone to them in the past and next thing I knew my professor knew ALL about it.

Edited February 3, 2011 by robot_hamster

[E.C.D.]

Drop out. You obviously can't handle it.

[robot_hamster]

Drop out. You obviously can't handle it.

Wow, you're awful mean.

[wtncffts]

Wow, you're awful mean.

As I said in another thread, E.C.D. seems incredibly bitter. Best to ignore him.

[robot_hamster]

Yeah, I gathered that from what was being said in the other threads.

[newday123]

What you are going through reminds me of how I felt last semester (also my first semester of graduate school). Other people would tell me, "Don't worry. You will be fine." - not very helpful for easing my anxiety!

It is definitely hard to concentrate on work when you have too much to juggle. Before I suggest that you quit your weekend job, I would like you to do a little research on temporary employment agencies in the area. I've used them in the past to find office work quickly. As we get closer to the summer months, I would recommend that you visit at least one or two of those agencies, register (bring a resume, not a CV), and tell them about your availability for work. One of them should be (at least I hope so) able to help you find temporary/temp-to-perm work during the summer and beyond.

Also, if you haven't already done so, clear non-obligatory activities from your schedule (e.g. graduate student committees).

Cal Newport's blog has more advice for students: http://calnewport.com/blog/

Good luck!

[communications13]

I know you're worried about the monetary costs associated with seeing a health professional out of your school, but if your mental and physical health aren't worth it, may I ask what is? If you're struggling through grad school and ignore the signs your body and mind are giving you ultimately you will lose more money probably in the costs of an education you weren't able to use to it's best potential. Saving money is not worth it.

[rising_star]

I don't really have any friends I can count on. I have my husband, but he thinks I'm being overly dramatic and that I need to get over it. How much would a more professional therapist cost? I don't have insurance anymore and I don't think I could afford $75-$100/hr. I have seen therapists before, a long time ago when I had insurance. I didn't really like any of them. Most of them just tried throwing pills at me (but I can't stand the way they make me feel) and one told me there was nothing wrong with me. I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager. It usually cycles up and down, but right now it seems like I just keep going down and down. There is just too much stuff that I am having to deal with. I had to go to work today and it was awful. The time just seemed to crawl by and I didn't want to be there at all.

If you don't like the therapist, keep trying until you find one you do like. It's a complete trial and error thing, just like finding the perfect job, pet, or grad school is. No reason to waste money on seeing someone you don't want to see. If you've struggled with depression and you're sensing that it's getting harder for you to control, then you may want to consider medication in combination with therapy.

I was reading the information on the "health plan" that I get as a grad student. It says that all services, including counseling and psychological services, are covered 100% at the university's health center. It says it will pay 80% on preferred providers outside the university's health center after a $400 deductible. I'm not sure if and how that applies to seeing an outside psychiatrist. I can ask the next time I am there at the health center.

Is there any reason you can't go see a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist through your university's health center? This might be a naive question but, if the services are covered 100% there, then it makes sense to start there.

I typically overcome this in a few ways: 1. I get to know the others better. As we get to know each other, I feel like less of an outsider, and I feel that everyone's perspective is more appreciated.

2. I find another group to belong. It can be anything. Kickball, dance class, fencing, others who love coffee, church. If you like it and it works for you, you got it.

Both of these are excellent ideas. It can be hard to get to know others, I realize, but doing #2 can help you with that. You might try googling for local groups that do things you're interested in or going on Meetup.com to see if you can find any Meetup groups in your area that you might be interested in. Sure, it can be hard at first, but getting out and meeting people can really help. Personally, I enjoy getting a workout in and making new friends, which is why I train capoeira. (BTW, capoeira is a great way to meet people and get in better shape and have fun all at the same time.) You might also try yoga. The meditative techniques and relaxation you learn through yoga practice could really help you.

First, make an appointment with the health center to be evaluated for anxiety and/or depression and get yourself on a low dose of something like Paxil or Budeprion. You can get fairly inexpensive prescriptions if you go generic, and they really DO help.

Agreed completely with this advice. If you explain the problems, you may be able to get your GP to write you a temporary prescription until you can get in to see a psychiatrist.

Second, go to the professor you are TAing for and speak with him or her about your job. Tell him or her you really want to succeed and you don't want to let him or her down, and that you would really appreciate any feedback s/he can give you about how s/he perceives you in your capacity as a TA, especially anything you can concretely be working on improving.

Agreed 100%. Work with the professor so that what you absolutely have to do, what you should do, and what's optional are clear to both you and him/her. Don't work any harder than you have to as a TA.

[robot_hamster]

I know you're worried about the monetary costs associated with seeing a health professional out of your school, but if your mental and physical health aren't worth it, may I ask what is? If you're struggling through grad school and ignore the signs your body and mind are giving you ultimately you will lose more money probably in the costs of an education you weren't able to use to it's best potential. Saving money is not worth it.

Being that I am stressed about money, spending money I don't have on a therapist/psychiatrist outside the university would probably make that part worse.

[robot_hamster]

rising_star - In response to your second comment, you will see in my first post that the people they have at my school don't seem to understand. That's why the suggestion of seeing an outside professional came up.I don't have real health insurance anymore, just a health plan provided by the university that is primarily intended to cover the costs at their own health center.

Edited February 13, 2011 by robot_hamster

[rising_star]

Being that I am stressed about money, spending money I don't have on a therapist/psychiatrist outside the university would probably make that part worse.

I used to think that way. Then, I realized that being less stressed in general would include being less stressed about money. But, no one here can fore you to get help if you don't want to. If you'd rather just go through dealing with things the way you have been, then let money be the reason you don't try to get help.

rising_star - In response to your second comment, you will see in my first post that the people they have at my school don't seem to understand. That's why the suggestion of seeing an outside professional came up.I don't have real health insurance anymore, just a health plan provided by the university that is primarily intended to cover the costs at their own health center.

Have you seen every possible person at your campus health center? I know ours has something like 15 therapists, so it would definitely take a while to go through initial meetings with all of them.

At this point, you just seem obstinate and unwilling to make any sort of major change that might help things. That's fine. I think it's a stage pretty much everyone that needs to talk to someone goes through. But, at some point you have to decide to do what is best for you right now, rather than worrying about how it might make your finances more difficult later. You can pay back any debt you may have to acquire. But, the stress, anxiety, etc. That will shave months, if not years, off your life.