POI Crush

[Opening Ceremony]

I have a slight crush on my POI. There I said it. Whenever he sends me a mail it becomes an event---in the sense that I turn off the music, sit upright and take in every word. I have never met him, but I have seen pictures and spoke to him on the phone. I just think he's so brilliant, our intellectual methods have overlapped on many occasions. For example, his MA thesis was an in-depth study on the same topic as my undergraduate thesis. I suspect he's about 7 years older than me at most.

I am quite ethical when it comes to things like this, but at the same time I think, man, how exciting would it be to be transgressive for once in my life. I know that I would seriously pay for it in the end, and thus would never allow him to even have the impression that I may like him.

I'm just wondering, who else has had similar experiences? Did such feelings eventually go away, or intensify?

[SimilarlyDifferent]

I haven't had the feeling exactly, but I suppose it is perfectly natural. When reading a book for undergrad, I first encountered the term "intellectual infatuation" where a professor mentioned something very similar to what you are describing. I have had that sensation before, but it is different from a "crush" in the sense that you don't want a romantic relationship with the person, just an intellectual one.

Look at it this way, he is someone you admire and respect with similar interests. He is obviously pretty intelligent to have ended up where he is, so those things must be qualities that you would prefer in a mate. I think you are right to keep it under wraps though because it could end up awkward for the two of you if he doesn't reciprocate (or even if he did, I suppose).

[40 Rounds]

This must surely rank as one of the geekiest threads I've seen in a long time. I'm fairly certain that at the moment you typed "intellectual infatuation" millions of schoolyard bullies around the globe suddenly halted in their tracks or bolted out of bed and pounded their fists into their palms, not knowing why, but consumed with a desire to hurt somebody somewhere!

[surprisecake]

hahahahahha@ 40 rounds.

[neuropsych76]

This must surely rank as one of the geekiest threads I've seen in a long time. I'm fairly certain that at the moment you typed "intellectual infatuation" millions of schoolyard bullies around the globe suddenly halted in their tracks or bolted out of bed and pounded their fists into their palms, not knowing why, but consumed with a desire to hurt somebody somewhere!

lol. This made me think of that Simpson's episode where Lisa discovers how bullies can smell nerdiness and creates a spray to stop it.

[Strangefox]

lol. This made me think of that Simpson's episode where Lisa discovers how bullies can smell nerdiness and creates a spray to stop it.

Yes, I remember this episode!

[SimilarlyDifferent]

This must surely rank as one of the geekiest threads I've seen in a long time. I'm fairly certain that at the moment you typed "intellectual infatuation" millions of schoolyard bullies around the globe suddenly halted in their tracks or bolted out of bed and pounded their fists into their palms, not knowing why, but consumed with a desire to hurt somebody somewhere!

I do not deny the charge of geekiness; in fact, I embrace it.

[everygirl]

I think the professor crush is incredibly common. I read somewhere that professor crushes are rarely based on real feelings because you're more 'in love' with the way they make you feel, as in excited about new ideas, thoughts -- learning, in a sense. Because we don't know this about ourselves, we mistake it for real feelings! "Intellectual infatuation" and "geek" really hit the nail on the head here, in that it takes a true geek to crush on a professor, because you're really crushing on 'learning'. I think all the professor crush really shows is that the professor is doing a good job in 'stimulating' exciting critical thought.

What's interesting is that you've never met him, so this crush is even more abstract. I don't have all the details, but if I can infer that you haven't started grad school but you're really excited about it, can I humbly suggest that you're in love with the idea of grad school itself and just transferring your feelings to your professor?

Anyway, I speak from experience: I always had crushes on my undergrad professors, but had a pretty intense one in my last year of school. At the same time, I always knew I would never act on any of these crushes, so even when I graduated, I didn't try anything with the one in my last year. I (kind of) knew where my feelings were coming from. My boyfriend at the time mostly thought it was amusing the way I'd dress up for class sometimes -- wear something sexy on a date with him and then wear a toned down version to class the next day. I had a lot of fun... the fantasy of him throwing me on top of his desk just stays with me! I mean, EDUCATE ME HARDER. And to answer your question, no, the feelings never really went away. I still keep in contact with him, so when he sends me an email I get a thrill. And I revive the desk fantasy.

My advice: when you meet him, just have fun with the fantasy. We all know the risks with showing any kind of feelings, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun in your head.

[Kathiza]

I had a lot of fun... the fantasy of him throwing me on top of his desk just stays with me! I mean, EDUCATE ME HARDER.

Haha, you totally made my day

But - and yes, after outing myself as a "drinker", I'm now outing myself as a geek too - I also had/have professor-crushes. And I think you're right. It's not anything romantic (although it might feel that way sometimes) - it's just that I'm so impressed what this person has done, what he says, how he leads a discussion, how much he knows etc... I would like to be that kind of a genius "when I grow up" (haha *g*)

[beanbagchairs]

.... the fantasy of him throwing me on top of his desk just stays with me! I mean, EDUCATE ME HARDER.

HAHAHAHA you almost knock me out of my chair!...LOL

Well, I am in a male-dominated field. My classmates, co-workers, professors are mostly males. I have a certain infatuation towards males that are smart. It is not necessarily in a romantic way --as others pointed out--. Mostly because I am in awe of their knowledge. I think they are more attractive than, let's say Brad Pitt or George Clooney. With that being said, I did have several intellectual infatuations towards professors. They are not real romantic feelings; I am just impressed with their knowledge. That's all. It's nothing serious. In my case, my last intellectual infatuation abated somewhat as I found a new one! haha!

Besides, feeling excited to go to a particular class correlates well with my ability to learn in said class

Edited March 9, 2011 by shashakoe

[Strangefox]

EDUCATE ME HARDER

:D

[40 Rounds]

My preferred term for "Intellectual Infatuation" is "My Only Hope."

[moralresearcher]

My preferred term for "Intellectual Infatuation" is "My Only Hope."

Bahahaha yes.

I have a thing for nerdy boys. I feel like this probably works to my advantage since I will be spending the majority of my life surrounded by nerds. And I think everyone has a desk fantasy about someone, right?

And although it isn't the case of the OP, a lot of times just spending ALL YOUR FREAKING TIME with a person causes feelings to develop. The feelings are somewhat tempered when you stop spending so much time together.

[TheDude]

Don't shit where you eat...

[TMP]

Guilty as charged. Still with my former research internship supervisor, who inspired me to go for my PhD. And it's been nearly 5 years since I first met him.

I'll agree with you, OP, I had a crush on one of my POI from afar judging from his works and pictures. Then I met him in person (completely random) during application process and thought he was pretty nice, handsome, and cool. But...then there's that British accent!

Edited March 12, 2011 by ticklemepink

[psycholinguist]

I had a lot of fun... the fantasy of him throwing me on top of his desk just stays with me! I mean, EDUCATE ME HARDER.

* bursts out laughing * What a great line!

Yeah, I agree that this is common. I've certainly worried about the possibility of developing crushes on several people in my subfield, of both genders (even though so far I've only ever fallen for guys, and very infrequently at that!). As basically everyone else says, I think it's just a combination of major intellectual stimulation and a sense of being star-struck. Probably nothing to worry about.

[LiteratureMajor]

This must surely rank as one of the geekiest threads I've seen in a long time. I'm fairly certain that at the moment you typed "intellectual infatuation" millions of schoolyard bullies around the globe suddenly halted in their tracks or bolted out of bed and pounded their fists into their palms, not knowing why, but consumed with a desire to hurt somebody somewhere!

Hilarious! I needed a good laugh today. +1 for you!

[everygirl]

Guilty as charged. Still with my former research internship supervisor, who inspired me to go for my PhD. And it's been nearly 5 years since I first met him.

You've been with your former research internship supervisor for five years! That's awesome.

Which brings me to... all of the things upthread being said, which I do agree with, I think there's also something to be said for grad student and professor relationships. I've never seen one (but then again I'm a mere grad school hopeful right now) but I think it could really work IF AND ONLY IF the student has graduated. If there's a current professional mentor/mentee relationship going on alongside a romantic relationship, I think it's a trainwreck waiting to happen. (There was actually a lively comment thread going on recently on collegemisery.com regarding this question -- how many professor/student relationships have you actually seen on your campus? Answer: a lot.)

Anyway, all hail those who are dating non-academics, but I think one person (not the only one) who can really understand your nerdy quirks is someone in the academe -- a fellow grad student, maybe, or a former professor! Common interest and drive are certainly there, as well as the ability to be off the charts smart but still forget your keys in the fridge. Plus, some of us are attracted to stability and achievement, and some grad students are always going to be looking up to their professor as people who has achieved lofty goals... or maybe that's just me. Am I the only one who gets really turned on at letters before and after names? Mmm.

[pinot noir]

I totally know what an intellectual crush is and coined the term even before I heard anyone else say it i.e. read this thread. I think it's important to differentiate between infatuation and love and most times in these cases it might be an intellectual infatuation, harmless and fun! I wouldn't advise to act on it though, unless there was an ethical discussion/awareness first

[Strangefox]

I think it's important to differentiate between infatuation and love...

But first we'll have to define love and this is not an easy task!

Or is it?

I've been trying to define love for ages

No, seriously! What is love??? How do you separate love from being in love aka infatuation??

[awvish]

I've been trying to define love for ages

No, seriously! What is love??? How do you separate love from being in love aka infatuation??

I don't have an answer, but wanted to express approval at your use of that emoticon. <insert emoticon: 'philosophical confusion'> Ha.

[rising_star]

But first we'll have to define love and this is not an easy task!

Or is it?

I've been trying to define love for ages

No, seriously! What is love??? How do you separate love from being in love aka infatuation??

This is only going to be somewhat helpful. I separated out by experiencing both. I was once infatuated with someone and that passed. Later, I met someone, thought I was infatuated, then realized it was something else over the course of several months.

To contribute to this thread more generally, my old department had two profs that married their former graduate students and two other profs that married undergraduates they taught/TA'd when they were grad students.

[Strangefox]

This is only going to be somewhat helpful. I separated out by experiencing both. I was once infatuated with someone and that passed. Later, I met someone, thought I was infatuated, then realized it was something else over the course of several months.

I think it's so difficult to define because it is different for different people. For example, some fall in love often and others really seldom.

It happens quite often with me and though it's a nice feeling I am fed up with it really Because it only clouds my judgement...

To contribute to this thread more generally, my old department had two profs that married their former graduate students and two other profs that married undergraduates they taught/TA'd when they were grad students.

Oh, 4 professors like that in one department!

Edited March 19, 2011 by Strangefox

[thesnout]

... the fantasy of him throwing me on top of his desk just stays with me! I mean, EDUCATE ME HARDER.

I can't read this without laughing! hahah

Don't shit where you eat...

I do agree with this statement. Very tricky business getting romantically involved with professors. Best to keep the feelings in your head and wait to graduate. Same goes with a work place. I made the workplace mistake with a co-worker. Never again. Never again.

Great topic. I had a good laugh from this.

[Mal83]

HAHAHAHA you almost knock me out of my chair!...LOL

Well, I am in a male-dominated field. My classmates, co-workers, professors are mostly males. I have a certain infatuation towards males that are smart. It is not necessarily in a romantic way --as others pointed out--. Mostly because I am in awe of their knowledge. I think they are more attractive than, let's say Brad Pitt or George Clooney. With that being said, I did have several intellectual infatuations towards professors. They are not real romantic feelings; I am just impressed with their knowledge. That's all. It's nothing serious. In my case, my last intellectual infatuation abated somewhat as I found a new one! haha!

Besides, feeling excited to go to a particular class correlates well with my ability to learn in said class

This last bit that you said is so true for me...I just never really wanted to admit it until someone else said it. I mean seriously if I'm "into" a professor it just gives me that little extra push to do just a little better than I ordinarily would. Not so much in hopes that he'll develop a long lasting love for me, just so that he'll notice. I didn't actually have anything that resembled a crush on my senior seminar professor in undergrad but I liked him, I was impressed by him and his style. And when he used the word remarkable in front of the whole class to describe the beginning stage of my senior project it literally propelled me to do work that I was really proud of. I think I was more proud of that paper than anything I had done before. Got an A on it and for the class. I had a female professor that I really respected and I suppose if it were her saying that I probably would have been just as propelled...probably.