Significant others and the application process

[The Lorax]

It strikes me, as I peer out of my narcissistic haze, that the grad school application/decision making process is as hard on significant others as it is on applicants. What are your unique experiences as someone in a relationship, either as an applicant or SO? How have you dealt with them?

[bm099433]

It strikes me, as I peer out of my narcissistic haze, that the grad school application/decision making process is as hard on significant others as it is on applicants. What are your unique experiences as someone in a relationship, either as an applicant or SO? How have you dealt with them?

My fiancee is getting dragged along with this whole mess and I'm sure she is getting tired of hearing me talk about it. She just wants to know where she is going to live and work for the next 2 years. Every time I think about how stressful this is for me, I try to remember that she must feel like she has absolutely no control over her destiny.

[nhyn]

We're long distance so fortunately he didn't have to deal with my outbursts too often/directly. I mean, I did have some nervous breakdowns and he calmed me down through the phone. He's a calm and collected person so even when I was stressing out about whether I'd get in, or if I'd get in, where it would be (in the same city or 2 hours away - I didn't apply anywhere further than that, but if its 2 hours away then our game plan has to change a bit, etc.), he was...um, rather passive and basically just patiently listened to all my rants lol We also had plans B ( C D E F etc.). So all in all he was the support and I was the mess

[michpc]

Well, 1. my boyfriend probably wants to murder me because I have used the application process as an excuse to pretty much never clean. 2. I'm not sure if he's going to move with me . We'll see what happens in the coming months.

[dendrogirl]

I am currently in a relationship and my boyfriend is planning to move with me. He's not in school but, fortunately, has enough career flexibility to move with me. Its incredibly difficult for both of us. I've gotten one acceptance with full funding, but its in a place that is really expensive to live. That poses challenges for him. I keep waiting to hear back from the other schools, but it was difficult to find good programs in affordable areas. I'm trying to find a balance --but its hard!

I'm trying to involve him in selecting the school, but so far I only have one offer -- I haven't heard from the other three.

If I were you I'd bring you sig other to visit the school. And take a couple extra days to explore the area if you can.

[space-cat]

Oy, my poor husband. I'm a talker, so he's gotten very skilled at listening to me ramble ad nauseam while feigning something resembling actual interest

Back when I started looking at schools, he got one "veto" to eliminate a city/state of his choosing from my list (he chose NYC). He's in the early stages of his location-independent career, so he could also afford to make that veto based on personal preference rather than job availability. Now that I have offers to compare, I've just tried to encourage him to give as much input as he can. I would hate to have him sacrifice in silence for my benefit--he's the type that would--and then resent me for it a decade later. The whole process has actually been pretty smooth so far. On the other hand, we had an exhaustive talk about the academia lifestyle long before we got married, so he's always known what he was getting in to with me.

I do thank him regularly for putting up with me, and I'm definitely buying him a bottle of his favorite fancy gin when I send in my final acceptance paperwork

[cokohlik]

It strikes me, as I peer out of my narcissistic haze, that the grad school application/decision making process is as hard on significant others as it is on applicants. What are your unique experiences as someone in a relationship, either as an applicant or SO? How have you dealt with them?

I've noticed that at first, my fiance was the practical voice of reason: "The schools you're applying to are highly competitive and don't be hurt if you don't get in to any of them." Then as I started receiving rejections, he became more compassionate: "We'll try again next year. You'll get in eventually." And now that all hope weighs on 2 schools, and I've been extra hopeful this week, he's become super hopeful alongside me! He's hooked on the Grad Cafe Results submissions. We both really feel that my dream school is the perfect school for us - perfect city, perfect program, perfect values, very family-oriented (so it seems). He can hardly wait to see if I get in, but he's anxious because he's not sure what the future will hold... If we're staying in our current busy city, with our tiresome jobs... Here's to hoping for an acceptance, and starting off our new life as a married couple in a peaceful place!

[pinot noir]

Keepin' it real by keepin' it single!!!

[dmf]

Good to know everyone else is dealing with the same thing! My fiance has been really supportive and patient with me throughout the whole process but I'm sure he's sick and tired of all my crap and how it distracts me from doing useful things around the house. He's at a pretty flexible point in his career so will be able to follow me wherever I go and I only applied places that he generally approved of the area.

For a while now, I've been thinking that I might only have one offer and have been trying to sell him on the area (probably his last choice of the places I applied). It seemed like he was getting excited about the move but..... Today I found out that I'm wait-listed at another school in a city he'd prefer. If it were up to me, I'd probably just accept the offer I have and withdraw from the wait-list because I really like the program that I'm accepted to. Now, all of a sudden, I feel like he's really pressuring me to wait on the other school (and probably pay out of pocket for us to visit).

He's straight up said he'd follow me wherever I go, but as someone else mentioned, I don't want him to give in and then be miserable and resentful for the next 5 years. But then again, I'm really not convinced the two cities are that different in ways that matter to either of us.

Can't wait for it all to be over and just know where we're moving this fall...

[michpc]

Good to know everyone else is dealing with the same thing! My fiance has been really supportive and patient with me throughout the whole process but I'm sure he's sick and tired of all my crap and how it distracts me from doing useful things around the house. He's at a pretty flexible point in his career so will be able to follow me wherever I go and I only applied places that he generally approved of the area.

For a while now, I've been thinking that I might only have one offer and have been trying to sell him on the area (probably his last choice of the places I applied). It seemed like he was getting excited about the move but..... Today I found out that I'm wait-listed at another school in a city he'd prefer. If it were up to me, I'd probably just accept the offer I have and withdraw from the wait-list because I really like the program that I'm accepted to. Now, all of a sudden, I feel like he's really pressuring me to wait on the other school (and probably pay out of pocket for us to visit).

He's straight up said he'd follow me wherever I go, but as someone else mentioned, I don't want him to give in and then be miserable and resentful for the next 5 years. But then again, I'm really not convinced the two cities are that different in ways that matter to either of us.

Can't wait for it all to be over and just know where we're moving this fall...

I know you're in a slightly different situation because you're engaged, but I only let my boyfriend do the major veto of NYC (not that bothered because of cost of living, though my best friend does live there), but in terms of the ultimate choice, I'm not going to let him drag me down. I'd say wait on the list, but if it comes to the point that you're still on it and the other school is pressuring you, go with that one. It is a tough decision though. Right now, the only school I've been accepted to is in SC, and my boyfriend is very much a homebody (his family is ALL in Rhode Island and most of have lived in the same town their whole lives), so I'm not sure he'll want to come with me. ugh!

[Beardedman]

For me, the fact that my wife has a well-paying job in the city I'm planning to go to grad school, was a big part of my decision. Fortunately, it was also my first choice. Conflict avoided!

Edited March 5, 2011 by Beardedman

[Ludwig von Dracula]

My wife has been amazingly kind and supportive. What adds an additional wrinkle (and boatload of stress) for us is that I'll potentially be an international student in the States, which may make it very difficult for her to find paid work. If I get a funding package from one of my American acceptances, I'll try to negotiate for a J-1 visa, but we'll see. If there's no funding there, we might have to stay in Canada, which wouldn't be terrible, but neither of us are crazy about the location of the school that's offered funding, and its reputation just can't match the programs in the States. Right now, my wife is saying that she'll use her time to focus on guitar playing and songwriting and wind up an amazing musician by the end of my Ph.D. Or maybe we'll have a kid :S

[NoMoreABD]

If I get accepted to any of the programs I applied to (still haven't heard anything...), my partner and I will have to move to another country and change our lives completely. He really wants to move, and it was a mutual decision on where I should apply to. But I feel bad that our whole future is now depending on whether I get in or not. I'm sure he's as tense as I am, waiting to hear from the schools, but maybe less anxious.

He's very understanding and supportive, but I think that there's also something very personal and private about this process of applying. You put yourself out there to see if you're good enough, and that's a hard feeling to share.

Anyway, I'm happy I have someone to support me whatever the result may be. After all, that's more important than anything!

Edited March 5, 2011 by Foreign Guy

[elunia]

My bf has been extremely supportive throughout the process. However, because of his career, he's probably going to have to stay in NYC (where we live now). I did get into a school here, but there are programs outside the city that are probably a better fit for me in terms of interests and advisor. Also, since I'm leaving NY anyway, he has started looking for jobs in other financial capitals (i.e. in Germany, because he's a dual citizen). Half of me hopes he'll change his mind at the last minute and move with me, but the other half believes that it's important we both do what's best for ourselves at this point in our lives. (Several people have mentioned possible resentment 5 years down the line....) We'll try to make it work long-distance, and it's not forever, right?

Unfortunately this worry about living so far apart is putting something of a damper on my excitement about starting grad school, but I'm hoping that will change as it gets closer to the fall!

Edited March 5, 2011 by elunia

[dendrogirl]

Good to know everyone else is dealing with the same thing! My fiance has been really supportive and patient with me throughout the whole process but I'm sure he's sick and tired of all my crap and how it distracts me from doing useful things around the house. He's at a pretty flexible point in his career so will be able to follow me wherever I go and I only applied places that he generally approved of the area.

For a while now, I've been thinking that I might only have one offer and have been trying to sell him on the area (probably his last choice of the places I applied). It seemed like he was getting excited about the move but..... Today I found out that I'm wait-listed at another school in a city he'd prefer. If it were up to me, I'd probably just accept the offer I have and withdraw from the wait-list because I really like the program that I'm accepted to. Now, all of a sudden, I feel like he's really pressuring me to wait on the other school (and probably pay out of pocket for us to visit).

He's straight up said he'd follow me wherever I go, but as someone else mentioned, I don't want him to give in and then be miserable and resentful for the next 5 years. But then again, I'm really not convinced the two cities are that different in ways that matter to either of us.

Can't wait for it all to be over and just know where we're moving this fall...

That's a tough situation! Have you tried asking him why exactly he prefers the other city? Don't ask in an attacking way, ask in a practical lets-make-a-list way. It may help you come to a common ground again. Plus, whats the harm in waiting it out a few more weeks for the waitlist school? I know waiting sucks and you probably just want to accept the offer and be done with it (that's what I almost did when I got my first (and so far only) acceptance) But, I'd hang in there, and definitely go visit the other city/school. It seems expensive, yes, but in the long run it might lead to a better, more informed decision. And since he's your fiance, you want him to know his opinion/happiness is a top priority.

[FutureSLP]

My bf has been extremely supportive throughout the process. However, because of his career, he's probably going to have to stay in NYC (where we live now). I did get into a school here, but there are programs outside the city that are probably a better fit for me in terms of interests and advisor. Also, since I'm leaving NY anyway, he has started looking for jobs in other financial capitals (i.e. in Germany, because he's a dual citizen). Half of me hopes he'll change his mind at the last minute and move with me, but the other half believes that it's important we both do what's best for ourselves at this point in our lives. (Several people have mentioned possible resentment 5 years down the line....) We'll try to make it work long-distance, and it's not forever, right?

Unfortunately this worry about living so far apart is putting something of a damper on my excitement about starting grad school, but I'm hoping that will change as it gets closer to the fall!

I feel your pain. My boyfriend will not not be moving with me when I head off for school either. His job and school has him stuck here for at least another year. I applied to 3 local schools, but it doesn't look like any of them will be panning out. Luckily, I'm probably only headed a couple of hours away, so it's not really the end of the world. It does put a damper on the excitement of getting in though...we've been living together for 3 years so it will feel odd and lonely to move away without him, even if he is still kind of right down the road.

I have a friend who has carried out a long distance relationship while he finishes his PhD. They take turns flying out to see each other every other weekend, and it has worked out really well for them. They just got engaged. If they can make it work, we can make it work. It's definitely not forever!

[messybrownhair]

Really sucks. He is deploying right when I start school this fall

[elunia]

we've been living together for 3 years so it will feel odd and lonely to move away without him, even if he is still kind of right down the road.

Thanks for your post, Future SLP. It's good to know I'm not the only one. We've also been living together for about 3 years, and we'll definitely be at least a short plane flight apart, if not trans-Atlantic. But I've also heard of people making it work, so I'm hopeful!

Edited March 5, 2011 by elunia

[neuropsych76]

Thanks for your post, Future SLP. It's good to know I'm not the only one. We've also been living together for about 3 years, and we'll definitely be at least a short plane flight apart, if not trans-Atlantic. But I've also heard of people making it work, so I'm hopeful!

I'm in this group as well sadly. My gf of 4 years will probably be completing her PhD 10 hours away from where I will completing mine. I really don't know what's going to happen but the depressing thing is no matter if we stay together or break up it will be really tough : /

[FabFlamingo]

Really sucks. He is deploying right when I start school this fall

Same here...I think the fact that my husband is deploying really motivated me to actually get my apps in for the fall. I'm hoping that grad school will keep me busy enough that I won't go crazy without him.

[lyonessrampant]

So my now husband deployed right after I graduated my MA, we married, and I broke my ankle fleeing a moose (long story. . . I live in Montana). Anywho, I was really busy with work and coaching a speech and debate team, but it was still awful (he was out under the wire almost daily, which made it worse) and I think that the busier you are, the better. Best wishes for a safe return, and despite the paternalism. The family readiness group really can be helpful.

[lyonessrampant]

Oh and a pet. My dog got me through the worst of it

[Zouzax]

I'm so glad I found this forum, as I'm dealing with the guilt of dragging my boyfriend along for the ride as well. He keeps insisting that he'll go wherever I'm accepted, but I still feel bad that his whole life is on hold until I make a decision.

To make matters worse, I was conditionally accepted to only one program - and of course, it just happens to be located in the one city he's not crazy about. But it's the complete opposite for me- I've been dying to live in this city for years, so I'm very excited- which leads to more guilt, naturally.

There are more negatives too- we'll both be internationals there, so he'll have a hard time finding a job. And the city is really expensive (too bad he can't have a baby haha). Also, he doesn't know the language (but he knows English very well). Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I went alone, but I really want to have a life with him. We've talked seriously about getting married. But even if he comes to this city with me, two years later I'll be applying for another program & will probably want to move somewhere else. It's all very difficult, and it consumes my thoughts on a daily basis. Meh.

Edited March 6, 2011 by Zouzax

[elunia]

we've been living together for 3 years so it will feel odd and lonely to move away without him, even if he is still kind of right down the road.

Zouvax,

Is this a Master's program? If it's only two years then this seems like a wonderful adventure to have together! It's not such a long time, though definitely the challenges you mention are real. Best of luck!

[nhyn]

I'm so glad I found this forum, as I'm dealing with the guilt of dragging my boyfriend along for the ride as well. He keeps insisting that he'll go wherever I'm accepted, but I still feel bad that his whole life is on hold until I make a decision.

To make matters worse, I was conditionally accepted to only one program - and of course, it just happens to be located in the one city he's not crazy about. But it's the complete opposite for me- I've been dying to live in this city for years, so I'm very excited- which leads to more guilt, naturally.

There are more negatives too- we'll both be internationals there, so he'll have a hard time finding a job. And the city is really expensive (too bad he can't have a baby haha). Also, he doesn't know the language (but he knows English very well). Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I went alone, but I really want to have a life with him. We've talked seriously about getting married. But even if he comes to this city with me, two years later I'll be applying for another program & will probably want to move somewhere else. It's all very difficult, and it consumes my thoughts on a daily basis. Meh.

If he doesn't know the language, and if he can't find a job, I don't think it will be a smooth ride for both of you if he comes with you. If it's just 2 years, I think you guys would be better off having separate, independent lives where you each can feel fulfilled, and plan for the next move (which I think will be a PhD program and therefore will be longer, right?), if it's somewhere he can also live comfortably. I've done long distance, it's not fun, but also not impossible. If it's anything longer than 2 years, I don't think I can do it. but I've been doing it for 2 years and I think it's ok. Doable. Good luck!