0% Confidence of Acceptance

[DontHate]

I like this philosophy and I think you're offering positive advice. That being said, I do recall you throwing a tantrum and swearing and shame spiralling on the board when you received your first rejection of the app cycle. I gather from other threads that now you've received some more positive news (congrats!) but you should also remember that there is some emotional/cathartic value in completely hissy fitting at the first sign of bad news. I'm sure you know that as you probably felt quite a bit better after your wallowing. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people give "look on the bright side" advice when _they_ are in a good place, expecting others to be emotionally aligned to receive said advice. All I mean is, there's a time and a place.

 

I think most people are better able to give advice than to receive it. Which is why we position ourselves to be told nice things by people willing to tell us those things when we are most in need of hearing them. Hence the forum. Catharsis is all well and good, but when you're venting sadness or rage I don't think it's very beneficial for other people to spew more sadness or rage at you. I don't really get what you're trying to say, honestly. Of course this is an emotional process -- which is why listening to other people rationally explain why you aren't actually going to die if you don't get in is a good thing to do.

[1Q84]

I think most people are better able to give advice than to receive it. Which is why we position ourselves to be told nice things by people willing to tell us those things when we are most in need of hearing them. Hence the forum. Catharsis is all well and good, but when you're venting sadness or rage I don't think it's very beneficial for other people to spew more sadness or rage at you. I don't really get what you're trying to say, honestly. Of course this is an emotional process -- which is why listening to other people rationally explain why you aren't actually going to die if you don't get in is a good thing to do.

 

What I'm trying to say is that while your advice was positive, it also came off as paternalistic, pedantic and a little condescending. Obviously, I'm not speaking for tracyjacks but that's the feeling I get from the interaction.

 

Would you have liked it if someone said what basically amounts to "grow up" to you while you were in the throes of your hissy fit? It'd probably just make you feel even worse, especially coming from someone who is just recently enjoying the benefit of securing their future for the next 6 years.

 

There's a time and a place for this kind of advice but I think the moment of rejection is not that time.

 

bluecheese kind of did the same thing to me. Everyone else was whinging about how they were so stressed over hearing back from schools and I contributed that I was stressed even though, from what I can tell, my schools only notify in April. I was told to just forget it and "do something productive" instead. Everyone else is allowed to be whiny and stressed, though? Well... maybe I was just trying to join the conversation and partake in the camaraderie-thru-stress that everyone else was experiencing.

 

I understand the advice probably comes from a good place but there are other factors to consider when receiving paternalistic advice.

[Swagato]

I think Don'tHate has an interview at Columbia, but nothing beyond that (correct me if I'm wrong).

 

They are fairly abrasive, but rarely inaccurate or wrong. I haven't weighed in on tracyjacks' fulminations regarding her Berkeley rejection simply because, as someone who was an international student once upon a time, I'm fully aware they are mistaken in their allegations of xenophobia/prejudice on the part of Berkeley. At the same time, this isn't a time or place for reason. Others (especially the one who originally presented recent information about Berkeley's admissions) have already said all there is. If tracyjacks is to successfully continue their academic career, they'll recover, broaden their understanding of the factors at play, and--with a bit of luck--will find their self in a better place eventually. I don't think Don'tHate meant to be condescending, but, as usual, they could have had a bit more tact. 

[DontHate]

I understand the advice probably comes from a good place but there are other factors to consider when receiving paternalistic advice.

 

Everyone has a right to be sad and stressed out. I never said that wasn't the case. I thought that was such an obvious fact that it needed no defending. 1Q84, if you are really so insecure about your own emotions that you need to be TOLD you are allowed to have them in order to feel okay, then you have more serious problems than an internet forum is qualified to deal with. 

 

What you're basically saying is that because I am interviewing somewhere, I'm no longer allowed to speak to the general angst and uncertainty of the process we're all going through together. Talk about being "condescending" and "paternalistic." You think you have the monopoly on stress right now? We're all living relatively nice lives when you compare them to the life-threatening stress of being homeless, say, or having a terminal disease. Does that mean none of us are allowed to talk about a negative feeling? No, because there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse than you. Nobody should ever be disqualified from discourse based on their perceived situation. That's the definition of discrimination. 

Edited February 10, 2013 by DontHate

[1Q84]

I understand that you think what you're saying has value.

 

As always, you have mature and thoughtful words to contribute. Brava.

[Porridge]

Edited February 9, 2013 by Porridge

[DontHate]

As always, you have mature and thoughtful words to contribute. Brava.

 

I can't wait to see the valuable scholarship you'll contribute someday to the burgeoning field of Passive-Aggression Studies.

Edited February 9, 2013 by DontHate

[1Q84]

I understand that you think what you're saying has value.

 

Everyone has a right to be sad and stressed out. I never said that wasn't the case. I thought that was such an obvious fact that it needed no defending. 1Q84, if you are really so insecure about your own emotions that you need to be TOLD you are allowed to have them in order to feel okay, then you have more serious problems than an internet forum is qualified to deal with. 

 

What you're basically saying is that because I am interviewing somewhere, I'm no longer allowed to speak to the general angst and uncertainty of the process we're all going through together. Talk about being "condescending" and "paternalistic." You think you have the monopoly on stress right now? We're all living relatively nice lives when you compare them to the life-threatening stress of being homeless, say, or having a terminal disease. Does that mean none of us are allowed to talk about a negative feeling? No, because there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse than you. Nobody should ever be disqualified from discourse based on their perceived situation. That's the definition of discrimination. 

 

So the strawman saga of this thread continues....

 

My one and only point is that invalidating someone's angst during rejection is not helpful no matter how puerile or immature said angst may be.

 

I recall your outbursts at your first rejection being filled with profanity and pointlessly melodramatic. Did anyone say as much to you? No, people commiserated and comforted you and quite kindly, as I recall. They didn't pontificate on the "proper" and "productive" way to deal with defeat because that would probably just make you feel worse.

 

PS. You wanna talk about passive-aggressive? You're the one downvoting me and upvoting yourself. God... this stupid voting system is the definition of passive-aggression.

Edited February 10, 2013 by 1Q84

[sadthatthisdefinesmylife]

I think the direction this thread has taken proves that we're all ready for the world of academia.

[DontHate]

My one and only point is that invalidating someone's angst during rejection is not helpful no matter how puerile or immature said angst may be.

 

Who is invalidating anyone's angst? Giving constructive advice about orienting yourself around the (very realistic, for everyone) possibility of being rejected across the board is not the same as "invalidating" someone's emotional response. I'm still operating under the assumption that I will very likely be rejected from all my schools this round, and I'm making plans for what I'll do when that happens. It doesn't mean I won't feel very sad and angry and frustrated if/when that happens. 

 

Maybe what you should really be saying is that you feel upset simply being in the presence of other people who are getting good news when you yourself aren't getting any news? I doubt it really matters what the people are saying, you'll probably interpret it in a way that you can find offensive.

 

The act of upvoting and downvoting on posts is not a passive-aggressive act. It's just a meaningless, yet somewhat irrationally satisfying allocation of internet points.

Edited February 10, 2013 by DontHate

[squire_western]

A PINT OF PLAIN IS YOUR ONLY MAN

[asleepawake]

[1Q84]

Maybe what you should really be saying is that you feel upset simply being in the presence of other people who are getting good news when you yourself aren't getting any news? I doubt it really matters what the people are saying, you'll probably interpret it in a way that you can find offensive.

 

Well, this strange non sequitur coming from the person who is convinced that people who are happy for other peoples' acceptances are just "faking it" should not surprise me, I guess.

 

I already stated that I'm trying to take part in the anxiety-game that everyone else is playing. What that has to do with being happy or upset about peoples' good news is beyond me.

[DontHate]

It's not a non-sequitur. I think you aren't actually taking an issue with my post, you're just angry because you've convinced yourself that I have an acceptance and you don't. So I can't possibly understand what you're going through anymore, and am not allowing you to fully wallow in your feelings. I don't think it's by definition fake to feel happy for other people's acceptances, I just think the anonymous acceptances don't necessarily fill me with joy. I can feel happy for other people I actually know, but anonymous statistics? Not so much.

[isol3]

Boooooring

Edited February 10, 2013 by isol3

[1Q84]

It's not a non-sequitur. I think you aren't actually taking an issue with my post, you're just angry because you've convinced yourself that I have an acceptance and you don't. So I can't possibly understand what you're going through anymore, and am not allowing you to fully wallow in your feelings. I don't think it's by definition fake to feel happy for other people's acceptances, I just think the anonymous acceptances don't necessarily fill me with joy. I can feel happy for other people I actually know, but anonymous statistics? Not so much.

 

That's the thing. Not everyone is petty like you, as was proved by the pretty harsh reaction to your suggestion that well-wishers are just fakers.

 

I have nothing but good feelings for people who have been accepted. Why would I feel otherwise?

 

I'm talking about people who have faced rejection and you're clearly not understanding that.

 

Yawn.

[DontHate]

I've never faced rejection? You must think quite highly of me, thanks

[truckbasket]

[truckbasket]

Wishing everybody the best from someone who knows exactly what you're all going through

[jmcgee]

Here's my philosophy: if you're gonna be pessimistic, and believe that your total rejection is inevitable, then start planning next year as if you've already been rejected but still want to do something productive and interesting. Live like you've already been rejected, and it will help you realize that getting rejected isn't the end of the world.

For what it's worth, DontHate's philosophy made me feel better about my impending rejections.

[BlueSiren]

This is probably way off topic, but how do you make the programs you've applied to show up under your post?

 

Thank you!

[Datatape]

This is probably way off topic, but how do you make the programs you've applied to show up under your post?

 

Thank you!

 

Click on your name in the upper-right corner and you'll go to your profile page.  Click on "Edit My Profile," then "Signature" and change it to whatever you fancy.

[BlueSiren]

And by the way, if you really feel that you must get into a PhD program, you could always apply to a school that isn't ranked highly, but may still offer a great education. I've sort of hedged my bets and applied to some schools that my professors didn't recommend. I figure if I don't get into a good or middle of the road program I may still have a shot at a school that isn't my top pick, but may provide me with further learning, new life experiences, and an adventure.

[DontHate]

And by the way, if you really feel that you must get into a PhD program, you could always apply to a school that isn't ranked highly, but may still offer a great education. I've sort of hedged my bets and applied to some schools that my professors didn't recommend. I figure if I don't get into a good or middle of the road program I may still have a shot at a school that isn't my top pick, but may provide me with further learning, new life experiences, and an adventure.

 

Just be careful with this, and don't go to a place that isn't funded.

[BlueSiren]

Click on your name in the upper-right corner and you'll go to your profile page.  Click on "Edit My Profile," then "Signature" and change it to whatever you fancy.

Thank you! I appreciate your help.