If you meet your partner in grad school where will you live?

[Torn]

What happens to couples who get together during grad school but aren't from the same hometowns? Do they end up staying in the city where they went to grad school or do they move back to one person's hometown? Assuming that I meet someone in grad school, I'm really struggling with the idea that I might be raising my kids away from my parents and my family. Do couples ever decide that neither of them is prepared to permanently stay in a new city and they end up splitting up to move back to their respective hometowns? By the time I finish my PhD I'll be 29, and I'd really like to have more areas of my life than just my career figured out by then.

[t_ruth]

I met my husband while I was in law school at a city neither of us were from (he was also in school, but not law school). We stayed in the city to work, but now we are moving together. You will likely be in school for five years or so...anything after that is really a long time away. I think it is probably best just to play it by ear.

[socialpsych]

What happens to couples who get together during grad school but aren't from the same hometowns? Do they end up staying in the city where they went to grad school or do they move back to one person's hometown? Assuming that I meet someone in grad school, I'm really struggling with the idea that I might be raising my kids away from my parents and my family. Do couples ever decide that neither of them is prepared to permanently stay in a new city and they end up splitting up to move back to their respective hometowns? By the time I finish my PhD I'll be 29, and I'd really like to have more areas of my life than just my career figured out by then.

Well, if you're both staying in academia, you kind of have to make do anywhere you can get jobs in the same place...it's a big problem for dual-career academic couples. In other words, you probably won't have the option of being in either your hometown or your partner's...

[ewurgler]

I surely hope i never have to move to a city where either of our parents live.

But, i agree with socialpsych. It is incredibly hard to get two tenure-track positions in the same town/city/university.

It sucks, but I know a lot of professors who lived apart from their partner for MANY years.

[jesso21]

As someone who hopes to meet Mr. Right during grad school (*wink wink*), I've thought about this quite a bit. I'm willing to move anywhere, and I want to distance myself from my hometown. My hometown is a place where everyone tries desperately to leave, and I'm no exception. So while I'll move away for grad school, I'm also totally up for moving anywhere after I get my degree.

I think this openess will benefit me in the job market by opening up opportunities around the country, but it will also help with coordinating a potential mate's preference/job availability as well.

Maybe you'll meet someone who won't mind (or prefers) to move away from their hometown or you guys can comprimise between the two places? Academic couples do have a hard time coordinating locations though..I know many profs whose spouses live and work hours away!

[katanianQ]

I know there are many academic couples who live apart but let me ask you this, seriously..

Isn't life just too freaking SHORT?

I did a long distance relationship (and wrote about it on here somewhere) but ultimately, we knew it was just a temporary situation and eventually we would be together.

Sure, careers are important but at the end of the day, there is more to life than having a fancy degree and writing a lot of obscure book nobody will ever read (in my field anyway). why the hell would you want to spend 20 years apart from the person you love, working as a cog in a machine? teaching mostly kids who, lets be honest here, don't want to be in your class or give a crap about your subject?

I'm sure there will be a lot of animated discussion here and i am really looking forward to hearing what you guys think , out there in the void.

[Sonic]

I can only speak for myself, but I can love the person I'm with without loving the realities of his situation. I knew when we started seeing each other several years ago that his job was extremely inflexible, but he felt called to that profession and wouldn't be really happy doing anything else. I couldn't possibly ask him to give that up. Similarly, I love doing historical research and writing, and he understands what that requires of me.

The fulfillment we get from our jobs and the fulfillment we get from our relationship is different, but both are valuable. We never saw a point in choosing between the two, because we've been able to support each other and craft a life together, albeit an unconventional one. For a lot of people that life wouldn't be enjoyable, but it works for us. We're both highly independent people who always had our own groups of friends and different interests. A steady string of emails, phone calls, letters, and video calls keep us in touch daily. We aren't bored with each other and we never have petty fights about who has to take out the recycling. We miss each other, but the flip side is total elation when we visit each other.

Also, we've successfully avoided the dreaded two-body problem.

I think the situation really gets sticky when graduate school runs up against those "milestones" that people want to hit with their significant other, be it moving in together, marriage, children, buying a house, etc. Some graduate students are already in one or more of those situations. Admittedly my boyfriend and I are not concerned about these issues, but I recognize that we might be in the minority here. It is really a case-by-case basis. Still, no matter how crazy people tell me we are, we are happy with our decision.

[miratrix]

Sure, careers are important but at the end of the day, there is more to life than having a fancy degree and writing a lot of obscure book nobody will ever read (in my field anyway). why the hell would you want to spend 20 years apart from the person you love, working as a cog in a machine? teaching mostly kids who, lets be honest here, don't want to be in your class or give a crap about your subject?

I feel this way too, if I had to choose between having a family and having the perfect job I'd choose family. (Ideally we shouldn't have to choose if we want both, of course, but life doesn't often work out ideally.) I've done the being far away from everyone you love for the sake of research thing, and while it was awesome despite the difficulty, I don't want to set up my life that way when I'm older. But I'll deal with that problem when I come to it, right now I have no partner

Moving back to my hometown is not an option because it's a tiny town with almost no employers. Moving back to my current city after grad school (if I move out, that is) might be neat. I'm pretty resigned to having to start over somewhere new after finishing, though.

[rising_star]

This is a *huge* what if question. The answer is nearly impossible since presumably it's something you and your partner would want to discuss. Not to mention that there will be a lot of variation depending on career goals...

[MDLee]

Well, if you're both staying in academia, you kind of have to make do anywhere you can get jobs in the same place...it's a big problem for dual-career academic couples. In other words, you probably won't have the option of being in either your hometown or your partner's...

This is a good point. Especially in this market. Say you hit the jackpot and leave grad school with a PhD and a significant other, you still need to be employed! Go where the jobs are...its a flexibility requirement. You might apply in both of your hometowns...you never know--it could happen.

[flatcoat]

I'm curious about what you are getting your PhD in, and what your hometown is, that you are so certain you will be able to find employment there after getting your PhD (please don't tell me you are a humanities PhD!!). Most PhDs do not have much luck getting jobs in specific desired locations, especially if they are looking for an academic job. The general rule of the game is, if you are serious about a PhD and continuing on in academia, you have to be ready to move anywhere. If you are this worried, I would strongly advise you not to get an academic boyfriend! The likelihood of you both finding a job in the same town, let alone your hometown, is virtually impossible. Judging from your post, family, settling down in marriage, and kids are important to you, and possibly your emotional priorities. This is perfectly fine, but be aware that you may have to make some major career sacrifices down the road if this is the case.

All that being said, you never know what life will bring you, and five years is too far away to try to plan for. Enjoy where you are now and trust that down the road you'll find the compromises that will work for you.

[Dinali]

France.

[inactive_since_inf]

France.

Where in France? :wink:

right now I have no partner

Valuable information indeed :wink:

As someone who hopes to meet Mr. Right during grad school (*wink wink*), I've thought about this quite a bit. I'm willing to move anywhere, and I want to distance myself from my hometown. My hometown is a place where everyone tries desperately to leave, and I'm no exception. So while I'll move away for grad school, I'm also totally up for moving anywhere after I get my degree.

I think this openess will benefit me in the job market by opening up opportunities around the country, but it will also help with coordinating a potential mate's preference/job availability as well.

I think this is the only answer which came close to the question asked at the beginning of this thread. Most of the posters here, have their SOs already... I mean.. they are not going to find one at grad school, they are putting in their 2 cents to inform us how to make it 'work' (during and after grad school).... hmm...

So my answer to the question "If you meet your partner in grad school where will you live?" is : If shes another grad student, then just move in :wink:

Btw, I too hope to meet Ms. Right during grad school like jesso21 (wish me luck!)

And Finally,

Isn't life just too freaking SHORT?

Yes it is! :idea:

[janeng]

I totally agree. I can't relate to people who put academia and education before family and significant others. I'm not saying they are "wrong." I just can't relate. I'm happy that I am starting graduate school this fall, but I plan(ned) it around my personal life, not the other way around. If I had to choose between graduate school or keeping my current relationship going, I'd keep my current relationship going. My art history professor as an undergrad was married but had lived away from her husband for two years. I would never do that. But...I do understand that there are people who are more driven than others about their work. For me, after a certain minimum threshold of career/work success is achieved (or put into motion for continued development), personal happiness takes over as a priority.

[mochi7]

I just got off the phone with my 93-year old Grandmother and she was hinting how nice it would be if I met Mr. Right in grad school!

tigerontheprowl and jesso21: I hope that we can all meet faboulous significant others in grad school! best of luck!

[Stories]

I just got off the phone with my 93-year old Grandmother and she was hinting how nice it would be if I met Mr. Right in grad school!

tigerontheprowl and jesso21: I hope that we can all meet faboulous significant others in grad school! best of luck!

Well, grad school is also the age at which most of us will be entering our mid-late 20's, which is the time when most of us will develop a good idea of the traits we seek in a significant other.

Everyone is different and each has his/her own tastes and desires. To each his/her own.

As for living: this is no different than when two non-students meet each other and get together. They weight the priorities of living near family and do it. You talk it out and decide what's best for everyone. Even if it means no longer seeing each other because careers are going in different directions.

[Stories]

I totally agree. I can't relate to people who put academia and education before family and significant others. I'm not saying they are "wrong." I just can't relate. I'm happy that I am starting graduate school this fall, but I plan(ned) it around my personal life, not the other way around. If I had to choose between graduate school or keeping my current relationship going, I'd keep my current relationship going. My art history professor as an undergrad was married but had lived away from her husband for two years. I would never do that. But...I do understand that there are people who are more driven than others about their work. For me, after a certain minimum threshold of career/work success is achieved (or put into motion for continued development), personal happiness takes over as a priority.

This may be true, but it's not just academia and education: this is 99% of most everyone's next step in the career. For many of the professions folks will be seeking, a PhD is something of a prerequisite for employment in that field.

A career is something that's certain for your entire life. People can be fickle. Spouses and significant others can change far more than careers do. It comes down to this: do what's right to you. For most folks, I'd say do the career thing and self-development thing because you may end up despising yourself if you don't.

[mochi7]

I totally agree. I can't relate to people who put academia and education before family and significant others. I'm not saying they are "wrong." I just can't relate. I'm happy that I am starting graduate school this fall, but I plan(ned) it around my personal life, not the other way around. If I had to choose between graduate school or keeping my current relationship going, I'd keep my current relationship going. My art history professor as an undergrad was married but had lived away from her husband for two years. I would never do that. But...I do understand that there are people who are more driven than others about their work. For me, after a certain minimum threshold of career/work success is achieved (or put into motion for continued development), personal happiness takes over as a priority.

[Fromageball]

What will be interesting for me is if I still want to pursue the Foreign Service when I've graduated(I've sort of started the process and am starting grad school this fall in a 2 year program)...If I meet "Mr Right" in grad school I am definitely going to either have to a. find a Mr Right who doesn't mind moving around the world every 3 years or so, or b. change my career goals(which wouldn't be too terrible really, it's definitely not the only thing I would be happy doing...just would be a really cool opportunity!).

[inactive_since_inf]

What will be interesting for me is if I still want to pursue the Foreign Service when I've graduated(I've sort of started the process and am starting grad school this fall in a 2 year program)...If I meet "Mr Right" in grad school I am definitely going to either have to a. find a Mr Right who doesn't mind moving around the world every 3 years or so, or b. change my career goals(which wouldn't be too terrible really, it's definitely not the only thing I would be happy doing...just would be a really cool opportunity!).

Now who wouldn't want to have a nice moving life like that ... :wink:

[mew248]

I guess I'm in a bit of a different situation, since I'm in a professional program (MPP) rather than academic, but just to chime in...

This educational opportunity/career is my passion and the result of countless hours of work (and more to come!). That being said, nothing will ever be more important to me than my relationship with my SO. Than again, he's more than willing to relocate and is a "one day at a time" person rather than the obsessive planner I tend to be.

[mlamar]

Life is full of compromises -- and marriage doubly so.

When I was living in Northampton I heard an interview with Smith college's president. She said that when she and her husband got married they agreed to take turns on whose career took precedence. For ten years they lived in the place that was best for his career, and then it was her turn for the next ten years. That was when she came to Smith as president. It sounded like a really nice arrangement for two people who respect each other and each other's careers.