Relationships

[Mamba42]

Hmmm, well I guess I will get in on this thread too since I may have an impending relationship problem coming my way as well. I got accepted to Texas A&M (though still waiting on 6 other schools for decisions), which is quite a ways away from Idaho. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over 5 years now (started in high school and have stayed together through college), though she is a year younger than me. She will be staying here in Idaho to finish her degree, but I feel like it will be really difficult to be that far apart for so long (rather I don't think, I know it would be). I'm not quite sure what to do in this situation. We are very very close and having been together 5 years would be looking at marriage if we stayed close. I don't really know what to do at this point in our relationship. Hard to choose between school/academia and my girlfriend of more than 5 years (not that is necessarily has to be a choose one or the other situation).

[ktel]

I think it depends on where you're at in your life and the couple's dynamics. One of my friends moved out of state for grad school and had his gf accompany him... and... they ended up breaking up. For all of you that have significant others that understand, consider yourselves lucky! From the onset, the significant other may "support" one's ambitions for higher education until the real work (and neglect) sets in.

Even if your partner does accompany you to whatever school you choose, the move alone could place enough strain on the relationship. I moved for my program and for my boyfriend, leaving behind 21 years of friends and all my family. It was definitely tough for a while and it certainly affected our relationship, but we worked through it.

[panasic]

An article that made me think of this thread: http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2012/02/23/study-love-hurts-more-than-work/?mod=e2tw

[hobokennojokin]

Stayed away from this thread for a while but I'd be interested to hear some thoughts from fellow cafers. Here's the situation:

I have had the good fortune of getting into two schools comfortably within the top 15. As of now, it's looking like my choices will come down to these two, as well as a final school I applied to in my current city, which we will call "school x"

Where the RELATIONSHIP aspect of all this comes in is that I had been single during the whole application process, and wasn't really looking to get hitched what with graduate school coming up and all. That said, over the last several months I've been seeing a great girl, and it seems like it's just starting to grow into something worthwhile. It also just so happens that I just had my visit day with school x, and although not ranked in the top 25, is a very strong program with a good reputation that figures to be on the up and up. Also, of the three schools, school x by far has the best fit, and I really enjoyed meeting with the faculty. I can see myself thriving here.

My question: would I be CRAZY to turn down the top 15 programs for school x? Also, should this potential relationship have ANY type of influence on my final decision? I feel like I'd be crazy to let it impact my ultimate choice even in the slightest. But eh, just thought I'd ask. What do you all think? Feel free to let me know if any other information might be helpful

[Darth.Vegan]

Yes it would be crazy if the decision was based on your few month old relationship. If you really, truly like program x more, and it is still decently ranked top 30, 40, 50? then it is worth considering in my opinion. Keep in mind this is 5-8 years of your life, if you will be the most happy in program x maybe you should consider it.

I gotta ask, why is everyone so secretive here? Who cares if someone sees what programs you applied for and where you got in? As long as you aren't trashing another school, or using your real name as your screen name it's not going to have any impact on your applications or your offers, seriously. We are applying to Sociology programs, not the CIA.

Edited February 27, 2012 by xdarthveganx

[hobokennojokin]

Honestly it never hurts to be too careful. Academia is WAY smaller than I originally thought. Also I think a lot of people don't name schools to be "secretive", but rather to not come off as snobby. Whether announcing schools is or is not, I guess that's up to each individual person.

[ktel]

My current boyfriend did a 1 year M.Eng. pretty much solely so that we would stay together and live in the same city while I finished my undergrad. He made that decision after only about 2-3 months of dating. Only you know if your new relationship is worthwhile enough to factor it into your decision making process.

[3point14]

My question: would I be CRAZY to turn down the top 15 programs for school x? Also, should this potential relationship have ANY type of influence on my final decision? I feel like I'd be crazy to let it impact my ultimate choice even in the slightest. But eh, just thought I'd ask. What do you all think? Feel free to let me know if any other information might be helpful

Personally, I wouldn't want to turn down a top tier university for a pretty short term relationship. However, this is of course your choice. If you do go to school x and end up staying with this girl long term, are you going to regret your decision and/or resent her? Just something to think about.

[hobokennojokin]

Hahaha i want to make it clear that I am currently UNDER the assumption that this would be indeed be madness. That said sometimes I wonder if this subconsciously favorably colors school x. Anyway, thanks for the insight all. I feel like one way or the other, a gut feeling will emerge towards April

[dizzid]

I'm going to go ahead and own the "praying mantis" personality for this thread.

Socy-mang. DON'T DO IT! Be a selfish bastard and advance yourself. If NEW gf is up to snuff she can follow you later or in the words of Erykah Badu maybe it'll happen for you guys "next lifetime". Are you REALLY gonna be the guy who could've gone to School A but chose School Z because you were blinded by the ____?!?!?!

Walking into happy hour last week with a friend regarding the possibility of meeting someone new, me (almost verbatim): I am so NSA as I will be outta here in 2.5 months. I want to know your first name and your major. Nothing else because you and I won't even be facebook friends this time next year.

On the other hand, if you're in a long term, happy, committed, wonderful relationship, that's awesome

[socieconomist]

I agree w/whoever said only you know what the right choice is. I met my partner in a similar situation...she was graduating from Penn State (i graduated from there the previous year) and we literally met the day before her graduation (i was in town). I was living and working in philly at the time and i swear to you I quit my job and moved back to state college for the summer to pursue the relationship - lol - one of the crazier moments of my life. by the end of summer, i convninced her to move to dc w/me (separate apartments, but you know how that works out) even though she'd never considered DC an option. May will make that 7 years ago, we married the summer after my first year in grad school and really we both rely on each other (financially and emotionally) to do some pretty cool stuff (professionally and personally).

being super-successful and having a solid relationship need not be mutually exclusive. that's a myth. rather I find that they can be mutually reinforcing. personal experience is the better our relationship becomes the more successful we each become in our respective fields. neither one of us could do what we do, in the ways we do, w/o the support of the relationship. that's just how we roll -- sometimes it pays huge dividiends to take the risk on the relationship.

and btw--i also don't think you base your decision on this, but that doesn't mean it ought not be ONE of the factors, weighted in a way that only really you can determine of course. but people decide on grad schools for all sorts of crazy reasons: prestige, family expectations, nothing better to do, they're really not capable of doing anything else, they LOVE it, etc. etc. Pursuing a relationship doesn't really sound that crazy in comparison to some of these.

Eh.. just my two cents!

[melusine860]

Anyone in a position where they feel like they are ultimately choosing between grad school and a relationship?

[starbucks_lattie]

Me... And I know how you feel---it is just too hard!

[SocingHxC]

I'm sorry to hear that, slum... Hopefully you and your partner will try to maintain the relationship over distance. That's all you can hope for...

I wish you could've seen my place before you left... (Summer it is, then!)

[ThisSlumgullionIsSoVapid]

I'm sorry to hear that, slum... Hopefully you and your partner will try to maintain the relationship over distance. That's all you can hope for...

I wish you could've seen my place before you left... (Summer it is, then!)

Thanks man. And not even summer, winter! I'll be back in December (possibly November). I still owe you dinner and drinks!