Dinali Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Maybe you and that RecycledViking should just go build yourself some longships and raid some English universities instead of attempting grad school. You'd be much better suited for it. Count me in on that crew. I can man an oar or stand a spearwall with the best of them!
MDLee Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Dear TulipOHare, The admissions decision is non-negotiable. You may not challenge the funded accepts or the DGS to the "field of honor." Sincerely, Everyone Dammit. There goes plan B.
Reinventing Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Dear [Fill in Candidate Name], We were thrilled by your application, and very much impressed by your background. But we have decided to give your seat to someone who can pay for it. I know you probably think education should be available to members of the hardworking-but-financially-challenged masses like you, especially if you are willing to work for it by contributing to the department, but the truth is, we're just not that into you if you aren't spitting money from your hindquarters. It's nice that you worked in a non-profit, but hey, show us the money, you know? We gotta eat, too. So don't think of this as a kiss off, but as a new day dawning. Maybe you'll use it to go out and make some money. See you when you have some dough. Maybe. Muah Hahaha
MDLee Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Dear MDLee, The world needs ditch diggers too. Sincerely, IvyLeagueSchool
habu987 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Dear Recycled Viking, We are thrilled by your thesis work, research experience, and study abroad credentials. Similarly we are greatly impressed by your skills in spearfighting, swordsmanship, brewing, period clothing construction, and your bitchin' Medieval Irish tattoo. Unfortunately at this time we are incapable of accepting someone as truly bad-arse as yourself as turf longhouses are outside of our budget, the local forest does not have old enough trees to construct a full-size replica dragonship, we cannot provide nearly enough barrels of mead to satiate your thirst, and berserker rages are not covered in our student insurance policy. And frankly, with what we've read on TheGradCafe.com, we're concerned that you may have tendencies towards arson. Please don't raid us. Cheerfully, Patrick Columbanus the IV Medieval Studies Department Draugr HAHAHAHA! That is perfect!
anthcat Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Dear anthcat, We regret that we are unable to offer you admission to the Anthropology PhD program at this time. Your application was impressive, and we were right on the verge of accepting you with full funding, a private office, and a complementary kitten. Luckily for us, the warning written by a group of female students from your undergraduate institution arrived before we had finalized our decision. In light of their revelation that you are a smoking hot queer woman who, upon arrival in our department would immediately assemble an activist geek-girl harem, we feel we have no choice but to deny your application. This is not because we are homophobic, of course! Our program is very queer-friendly, but the lesbian community here is fragile enough as is. We simply could not stand it if you kept all the queer-girl loving for yourself. The fact remains that your application demonstrates your strong preparation, enthusiasm for cooperative ethnography, and well-developed talent for research. In a few years, when you have settled down with a monogamous girlfriend and no longer threaten our dating pool, we would look upon your reapplication with great interest. In fact, we'll start saving up for your stipend now. In the meantime, should you need employment, you might consider joining RecycledViking's crew as a professional recruiter of valkyries. As thanks for considering our program, we have refunded your application fee and sent you the kitten by overnight courier mail. We wish you the best of luck in your future dating endeavors. Sincerely, Ms. Wishi Were-Single Graduate Program Coordinator XX University
leetchisgod Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 My rejection letters would always come with some type of silver lining. http://www.eway.com/catalog/6/4658764_id.jpg
TulipOHare Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Sincerely, Ms. Wishi Were-Single Graduate Program Coordinator XX University I could not help but read that as "were-single," pronounced similarly to "werewolf."
nandelle Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Dear Ms. nandelle, Yes, you should have done that music degree. Sincerely, Graduate School
Dinali Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I could not help but read that as "were-single," pronounced similarly to "werewolf." Well, a werewolf is a person that sometimes turns into a wolf at night. So a weresingle is a person, persumably involved, who sometimes turns into a single person at night? Believe me, I know PLENTY of dudes that fit that description! Ladies too. God bless 'em.
OnceAndFutureGrad Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Maybe you and that RecycledViking should just go build yourself some longships and raid some English universities instead of attempting grad school. You'd be much better suited for it. Count me in on that crew. I can man an oar or stand a spearwall with the best of them! In the meantime, should you need employment, you might consider joining RecycledViking's crew as a professional recruiter of valkyries. Holy shite gang, I think we're on to something. :shock: Let's go to the Oslo Ship Museum and demand a replica ship constructed for all the rejected grad students!
psychdork Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 ...and they'd like their pens back, please. Haha!!! Exactly! Forget the excuses and just tell us the real reason!
whateverneveram3n Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Dear Ms. nandelle, Yes, you should have done that music degree. Sincerely, Graduate School Oh man, you too? Once upon a time (my soph year of college... ), I had to choose between a physics or music major. And I have not regretted that decision--until these past few weeks. :shock: Now sometimes I daydream about "what might've been"...
MDLee Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 And I have not regretted that decision--until these past few weeks. :shock: Now sometimes I daydream about "what might've been"... Honestly, the only difference between a starving artist and a starving grad student is the type of groupie you attract.
meanpony Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Dear meanpony, we are still laughing. Sincerely the admissions crew.
Joel418 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Dear Applicant, I regret to inform you that we cannot offer you admission at this time. Unfortunately, we have been having difficulty securing funding for prospective students who are in fact steaming piles of poo. In past years we were able to take several fecal applicants and offer them full funding, as well as all needed practicum equipment (TP, bidet water, plunger, etc). We wish you the best in all of your future endeavors, and hope that you will one day find your place in the porcelain halls of crapedemia.
djrg Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Dear meanpony, we are still laughing. Sincerely the admissions crew. Oh my God! I loved that one! XD I believe my next rejection letters will read something like that!!!
TulipOHare Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Well, a werewolf is a person that sometimes turns into a wolf at night. So a weresingle is a person, persumably involved, who sometimes turns into a single person at night? Believe me, I know PLENTY of dudes that fit that description! Ladies too. God bless 'em. heehee -- Dear Dinali, Prof. Smith is still sort of embarrassed about her behavior at the bar last Friday night and can no longer look you in the eye knowing that you know she knows you know. Due to this circumstance, we are unable to offer you admission. Sincerely, University
djrg Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Dear djrg, We would like to make you know that our admission process is made in such a way to remove any possible bias from our professors. For this purpose, we have made our own algorithm based on randomness, similar to the work I think you would like to do. This is why, I regret to let you know that your application slipped-off my bed when I threw into the air, and since it fell into the ground, we are unable to offer you admission for this Fall. I would have to admit that I didn't even read your application and know your name and area of interest just thanks to the initial scan of the applications my secretary did in order to classify applications. That said, I will never know if you could have been my best student ever; however, we need to be fair and stick to our well-proven process. I wish you the best in your future endevours. Regards, Chair of Department University
anythingtwice Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Dear anythingtwice, We regret to inform you that we cannot offer you admission to our program at this time. This is not because of any deficiencies in your application; in truth, we have not entirely read your application yet. The very obvious bribe you sent that consisted of cheesecake, brownies, cookies, muffins and other delicious homemade baked goods was so sweet and so delectable that many of our admissions committee members have either gone into a sugar-induced coma or have passed out from sheer delight. Once my colleagues have recovered we may be able to give your application our full attention (though with the box of homemade truffles still waiting in the fridge this is doubtful), however we may still be unable to offer you admission because if you were to attend our graduate school and bake like this for our department all the time, no one would get any work done and our institution would implode from sheer awesomeness. We have sent on samples of your edible work to a prestigious local pastry school who we think would be just as impressed by it as we are. Their admissions committee has a much higher sugar tolerance than ours so we think you stand a very good chance there. Thank you for your application and your desserts. We sincerely hope you attend the prestigious local pastry school so we can purchase your fine creations.
Colin Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Dear Colin, Why didn't you listen to your mother when she said, repeatedly, "is it worth it?" Guess what? It's not. Go back to working the 9-5 grind while you still have a job. We just saved you $100 grand, so be happy. Oh, and good luck in your future endeavors. Best regards, Nameless Faceless Admissions
MDLee Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Dear Colin, Why didn't you listen to your mother when she said, repeatedly, "is it worth it?" Guess what? It's not. Go back to working the 9-5 grind while you still have a job. We just saved you $100 grand, so be happy. Oh, and good luck in your future endeavors. Best regards, Nameless Faceless Admissions Dear MDLee, Mother knows best. Ask Colin. Best Regards, Nameless Faceless Admissions.
Joel418 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 "Dear University of Stuffy McStufferson: Thank you so much for your interest in my attendance at your institution. I can assure you that your offer and all other accompanying materials were thoroughly examined. I regret to inform you that the committee have not come to a favorable decision regarding your candidacy. Unfortunately, with the high number of exceptional schools offering of admission, funding, ponies, cotton candy, and "huge tracts of land", we have not been able to offer my attendance at all well-qualified institutions (see how we did that: we talked about well-qualified institutions without saying that you were one of them! Aren't we evil and sneaky??? :twisted: ). We wish you luck in all of your future student searches; please feel free to send another $95 application fee next year, even though we will never admit you. Best regards, Joel418
jferreir Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Dear University X, Final decisions have been made concerning the MA programme in philosophy. Sadly, I am not able to accept your offer of admission at this time. However, I would like to place you on a (very short) waiting list. Of course, I understand that this is not a firm response to your offer, and I understand that other applicants may be waiting in turn. I will let you know as soon as possible whether I am able to accept your offer -- which, of course, depends on the undisclosed conditions of my competing offers. Decisions are due by April 15, but I'll probably take longer to respond. Good luck, J.P.F.
xunoname Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Dear xunoname, We regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to our mathematics PhD program at this time. Your application was the strongest we had ever seen, so we thought you deserves a huge offer: tuition waier+a stipend of $ 350,000,000/year. However, due to the current economic crisis, we really do not have so much money for you. You are so excellent that we will feel guity if we don't pay you $ 350,000,000/year, therefore we have no choice but to deny your application. If we can make enough money next year, we will try to have you here. We are so guilty. Your servant, xx
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