Feeling isolated

[sunshine6]

Anyone else feel like they are completely isolated in this process? Even my SO is starting to think I am crazy, checking board results and status again and again. It helps to be on this board, but the process is really getting to me. I am having mood swings, anxiety, patience issues, and altogether feel like no one else "gets it". I even have a friend applying to one of the same programs, but our situations are so different that she can't even identify. (She's applying for the hell of it for some reason, while a life in academia is my dream.)

I am happy to have one accept, yet I feel like I can't move forward until all the results are in. To add to that, my programs are waiting to the last possible moment, and I am worried about having such a limited time to make such an important decision, not to mention moving and paying for school.

My state of mind is suffering, but I have no one to talk to, it's very lonely.

I am sure I am not the only one, should we start a grad applicant therapy group?

[weeble]

You're not the only one, and I think a therapy group would be great.

I'm applying for grad school after five years off, so NO ONE I know is remotely in the same situation. It's definitely making me a bit nuts. Concentrating at work is hard.

Congrats on your admit and best of luck on the programs you're still waiting on.

[melancholyway]

I can definitely relate to your experience. No one I know understands what this is like. My So is becoming increasingly annoyed with my frequent anxiety attacks, OCD email checking and results page refreshing. My parents are no help. I am a first generation student and neither of my parents believe that women should attend college. I am definitely feeling isolated, and as the days creep by I am becoming very concerned that all of my remaining responses will be rejections. It just seems like I should have heard by now if I am accepted... but yes, there is no one to talk to with the exception of the people in this forum it seems.

[theory_junky]

yeah, this is really taking it's toll. perhaps admissions committees should send out complimentary happy pills for each app transaction.

i've been a gloomy, zombieish wreck. moping around house. feeling that interaction with others is nothing but empty pleasantries, paranoid anti silence.

aren't we intellectuals a morose breed?

[Wishful112]

This is an extremely isolating process. I'm glad I at least have this site, as my parents, SO, and friends are more of an annoyance right now than a comfort. They have no idea what this is like and therefore tend to react incredibly inappropriately whenever I do try to talk about it- so I've stopped talking about it. No one warned me going into this that applying in itself would be this disturbing. I'm not myself. I don't think I've ever been jerked around this badly by anyone and I'm starting to resent the whole process.

Definitely time for a round circle therapy session and group hug.

[fuzzylogician]

My boyfriend says that this xkcd comic reminds him of how I've been behaving in the past two months: http://xkcd.com/281/. Just replace "aww, still in Memphis" with "aww, still no decision."

[ElusiveMuse]

Yes. I just cannot handle the pleasantries. "Oh, it's not the end of the world if you don't go to grad school." Yes. It is. "You still have a lot of options." No. I don't. "Wow! Really? I don't understand why you haven't gotten any good offers yet!" Yeah, who knew I was so inadequate! "There's still time, you'll get good news soon." You are basing this lie on what exactly?

I straight up told a friend I've been avoiding for weeks who got into her top choice that I cannot handle being around her right now because I do not want to talk about it and I can't talk about anything else so I'm incapable of being social until I know what is going on next year and can deal with the grief if necessary.

[nandelle]

I just lied to my father, who really really wants me to go to UBC. He said "So, no word from UBC then?" and I said "Nope!" It' s the end of a long day, and somehow dealing with telling other people about rejection/dealing with their reactions and sympathy is worse than the actual receiving of said rejection.

[psychdork]

It' s the end of a long day, and somehow dealing with telling other people about rejection/dealing with their reactions and sympathy is worse than the actual receiving of said rejection.

I'm going to a funeral tomorrow, and if anyone asks, I'm already planning on telling them that I haven't heard anything yet, which obviously is a complete lie, but I cannot deal with their reaction/sympathy at a funeral. I can barely deal with it at "happy or neutral" situations.

[psychdork]

Yes. I just cannot handle the pleasantries. "Wow! Really? I don't understand why you haven't gotten any good offers yet!" Yeah, who knew I was so inadequate! quote]

Hahaha!!! Definitely have felt the same way. "You haven't gotten any offers yet? I'm shocked!" "Yeah, apparently I'm just a failure, who knew?"

[koolkat1825]

It' s the end of a long day, and somehow dealing with telling other people about rejection/dealing with their reactions and sympathy is worse than the actual receiving of said rejection.

I completely agree. I hate saying it and talking about it because it makes it more real. I've also turned extremely moody and feel like I cannot control the constant e-mail checking, and it's really getting to me. Seeing all my friends getting accepted and figuring out there lives is excruciating when I have no plan for my life if this doesn't work out. It's even worse seeing someone I loathe getting into their top choice fully funded.

[limeinthecoconut]

Yes. I just cannot handle the pleasantries. "Oh, it's not the end of the world if you don't go to grad school." Yes. It is. "You still have a lot of options." No. I don't. "Wow! Really? I don't understand why you haven't gotten any good offers yet!" Yeah, who knew I was so inadequate! "There's still time, you'll get good news soon." You are basing this lie on what exactly?

I straight up told a friend I've been avoiding for weeks who got into her top choice that I cannot handle being around her right now because I do not want to talk about it and I can't talk about anything else so I'm incapable of being social until I know what is going on next year and can deal with the grief if necessary.

Yup.

I just lied to my father, who really really wants me to go to UBC. He said "So, no word from UBC then?" and I said "Nope!" It' s the end of a long day, and somehow dealing with telling other people about rejection/dealing with their reactions and sympathy is worse than the actual receiving of said rejection.

Double yup. The only people I can talk to are those who are in the exact same situation that I am in, i.e. no admissions, or no funded admissions. I'd much rather other people take their jubilance and/or their effusive sympathy elsewhere.

The only people who are not in the "no admissions" group whom I am still speaking to, are those who were smart enough to start off by saying, "I know nothing I say will make you feel any better" or "I won't say I understand your situation, and I know saying that I am sorry is just cliched". At least those felt more genuine.

[mylstisr]

Anyone else feel like they are completely isolated in this process? Even my SO is starting to think I am crazy, checking board results and status again and again. It helps to be on this board, but the process is really getting to me. I am having mood swings, anxiety, patience issues, and altogether feel like no one else "gets it". I even have a friend applying to one of the same programs, but our situations are so different that she can't even identify. (She's applying for the hell of it for some reason, while a life in academia is my dream.)

I am happy to have one accept, yet I feel like I can't move forward until all the results are in. To add to that, my programs are waiting to the last possible moment, and I am worried about having such a limited time to make such an important decision, not to mention moving and paying for school.

My state of mind is suffering, but I have no one to talk to, it's very lonely.

I am sure I am not the only one, should we start a grad applicant therapy group?

ugh i totally agree! my boyfriend rolls his eyes every time he looks over my shoulders and sees that i'm on this site. for the past couple of weeks i've cried almost everyday thinking about how i am probably not going to get into my number one school. and on that note, this is all i've been talking about in my therapy sessions with my shrink. i am super tired of talking to friends about it because they just don't get it. :-(

[jferreir]

This entire process has been affecting my ability to sleep. For the past 6 consecutive nights, I've been dreaming about what my various responses will be. I've been wait-listed at UBC (probably my top choice - still undecided), but the DGS hasn't responded to my request for more information concerning my rank/position. I swear, being wait-listed is worse than being rejected because you have no idea what your probability of acceptance is - it's like being stuck in purgatory (minus the purification). I've been accepted to one program with minimal funding - so it's almost useless - and I'm still waiting on another.

I can't function anymore! I'm glued to email and this website knowing full well that I probably won't receive any correspondence until early-April. Someone please put me out of my misery...

[monkeefugg]

you guys suck

at least you have some acceptances

so stop whining

I have 6 rejections, and the remaining 5 I could swear will be rejections as well

i HATE academic philosophy!

Patriarchal fuckers!

[jferreir]

you guys suck

at least you have some acceptances

so stop whining

I have 6 rejections, and the remaining 5 I could swear will be rejections as well

i HATE academic philosophy!

Patriarchal fuckers!

While it is nice to have been accepted to one program, without adequate funding, it really isn't any help at all. And why do you hate philosophy? I don't know where you got "patriarchal" from, but just be happy that you can afford 11 applications (some of us are not so lucky). Try to look on the bright side - you still have 5 apps and with the complete uncertainty that accompanies this process, anything can happen. Now if only I could get myself to believe that...

[monkeefugg]

where did I get 'patriarchal' from?

Are you kidding??!!!!!

How many women are in YOUR graduate program?

and the values and infrastructure of academia are informed by the patriarchal civilization of which it is a function.

Dumb fuckers think that 'feminist theory isn't real philosophy'.

Ok, then bitches.

I was going to continue my postgraduate research on Sartrean Existentialism & Lacanaian Psychoanalytic Theory, but maybe now I'll just go work for a feminist organization and subvert all you fuckers.

If I can't join them, I'll beat them (and expose their deeply ingrained, irrational biases)

[jesso21]

Whoa!

In response to the original poster, I, too, am feeling way isolated. None of my friends or acquaintances are applying to grad school. NONE. I've shared some of my frustrations with them, and they just don't get it. I'm having crazy mood swings and am frustrated to the point of tears often. The "any news?" and "do you know where you're going?" pleasantries are annoying me.

Everything is annoying me...

The other day, I celebrated the fact that I've heard back from all the schools I applied to, and, after I told a friend about it, she was all "OH! So, you know where you're going?!" No...I am still waiting on funding offers (hopefully there will be some) and school visits. I just wanted to celebrate the fact that one horrible waiting period was over. She didn't seem to think it was worth it.

And I TOTALLY relate to feeling zombieish and morose. I work on campus in a small office, and since we're not busy, everyone talks a lot. About everything. All the time. I, however, can sit through hours of work time and not say a single thing. I just don't care. I just don't feel like interacting. I just want to zone out.

Maybe this is depression? IDK. I never used to be like this.

It would be so nice to go through this with someone...for support and mutual bitching.

[jferreir]

where did I get 'patriarchal' from?

Are you kidding??!!!!!

How many women are in YOUR graduate program?

and the values and infrastructure of academia are informed by the patriarchal civilization of which it is a function.

Dumb fuckers think that 'feminist theory isn't real philosophy'.

Ok, then bitches.

I was going to continue my postgraduate research on Sartrean Existentialism & Lacanaian Psychoanalytic Theory, but maybe now I'll just go work for a feminist organization and subvert all you fuckers.

If I can't join them, I'll beat them (and expose their deeply ingrained, irrational biases)

While you're at it, you might want to work on some of your anger issues.

[monkeefugg]

of course I'm angry you stupid fucker

patriarchy fills me with murderous rage

go to hell, you insensitive jerk

[jferreir]

of course I'm angry you stupid fucker

patriarchy fills me with murderous rage

go to hell, you insensitive jerk

I'm an insensitive jerk? Perhaps you should read what you have written in the past three posts. How about we go back to civilized conversation, or is that too much to ask? I still don't understand why you're on this forum if you have nothing relevant to say regarding admissions...

[sunshine6]

I think anger is understandable, yet that isn't what my intention was with posting this topic. It was to try and bring us together in someway, not to start fighting.

[Emilee]

Back on topic....

I can sympathize with you sunshine6. I feel like a hermit. I've been avoiding friends and family, because I have yet to have any good news to give them. I even avoided going to an annual party in my department that I usually enjoy going to, b/c I did not want to have to explain how I haven't got any offers yet. The hardest part is having to tell my advisor and my LORs because they put some of their own time into helping me apply and it might not pan out. On top of that, I am going to have to ask they to do even more extra work for me, since I might have to go to plan B and apply to RA positions.

This is sooo hard.

[monkeefugg]

sorry sunshine

my face is swollen up like a chipmunk--I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth out yesterday

I feel beyond miserable

and my decisions are not going well

Then that dumb jerk jferrer starts picking on me

It's not my fault he's an unimaginative prick

oh, and lame board monitor who's got nothing else to do-- get a freaking life

Like I care if you -for some reason- find my diction objectionable

[Reinventing]

monkeyfugg, yeah, the good "happy" drugs only last a few hours. . . I didn't have the heart to tell you that before. Are they giving you something else for the pain? Tylenol with codeine? I have a really bad reaction to it (makes me. . .uh. . . angry, apparently this is a common side effect). Just saying, 'cause I've never seen you like this. . . I hope your face/mouth feels better soon. I know it's awful and miserable pain. This is really, really tough timing with all you've got going on. Wish I could send you a cyber semi-melted milk shake for comfort.

I was in a really bad shape on Friday. Checking websites, spending waaaay to much time on here, lamenting about what next. It felt very much like depression--hazy, unshakable waiting--like sitting in the DMV. :? I was even snippy with one of my co-workers when she was a bit attitudinal. I normally don't get too angry at stuff like that, just figure it's their problem. I realized that I was completely on the raw emotional edge. My other co-worker made me feel better by reminding me that things would be okay (she happened to catch me at the right time, when I was ready and able to hear that) and commiserated at what she'd been through for school (this helped a lot, just having someone else who knew the turmoil I was feeling!), and helped me see things would be okay either way. A month or so ago, I started to prepare myself that school or no school, I'd find some work to do and would still be able to enjoy life (TV, wine, long walks, etc). I was able to reconnect with that. And oddly enough, to remember what a PITA 10-page papers are--and those are the short ones. I decided to be a little more negligent in my checking, 'cause the stress was just ruining my life.