Graduate student dating/relationship poll

[RedPill]

A couple users and I were discussing personal life in and after graduate school. It seems many women going into academia seem to be less likely/willing to get married and less likely/willing to bare children. It doesn't surprise me given what academia is, but I thought I'd make a little poll to see what popular thought on these forums seem to be.

 

Feel free to comment discuss

 

Personally, I'd like to marry and have kids(2-3)

 

 

Go!

 

DISCLAIMER: This poll is geared towards those of us who are either entering from undergraduate or early on during their career. 

 

Forgot to mention

Edited December 1, 2013 by RedPill

[Pol]

That's a very bad poll. Especially coming from a guy majoring in political science.

[LittleDarlings]

I hope I meet someone in grad school and get married to the ASAP and have a baby during or after grad school

[RedPill]

That's a very bad poll. Especially coming from a guy majoring in political science.

 

Shh

[RedPill]

I hope I meet someone in grad school and get married to the ASAP and have a baby during or after grad school

 

Well we all know that Pink!

[fuzzylogician]

If you don't want current grads you should post in a more appropriate forum, e.g. the lobby. I think I'll move this poll there, unless you object.

[RedPill]

This poll is for current graduate students/to be(accepted) graduate students. What made you think otherwise? 

[fuzzylogician]

This:

 

DISCLAIMER: This poll is geared towards those of us who are either entering from undergraduate or early on during their career. 

 

Forgot to mention

 

That's some portion of people who visit this forum but you're probably missing many others who will visit the lobby but not here because they are not grad students yet.

[RedPill]

This:

 

 

That's some portion of people who visit this forum but you're probably missing many others who will visit the lobby but not here because they are not grad students yet.

 

I meant those entering graduate school from undergrad/early during their career. i.e. the poll wouldn't mean much to the married 39 year old career changer. Sorry for the confusion, we can move it if you deem it necessary. 

[fuzzylogician]

Oh, I see. That wasn't clear to me at all. I hope this clears up any confusion, then!

[aberrant]

For overpopulation reasons (and the fact that I do not have to go through the pain of giving birth), two kids would be enough, 1 would be fine too. I would also consider in vitro fertilization if necessary.

 

But no... not getting married shortly after grad school, or shortly after starting grad school (and I'm in my 2nd year). In fact, I'm indifferent whether to get married during/after grad school, so long that I am in a stable environment (life and research) (e.g. not within a year after starting grad school, or after starting a new postdoc position).

Edited December 2, 2013 by aberrant

[biotechie]

I think I might have been part of that conversation, Red.

 

I think the field you are in also greatly influences what you end up deciding to pursue. For example, being a female in science can be quite different than being a female in clinical psychology, which is different than being a female studying English literature.

 

I'm in the lab 60+ hours per week and would barely have time to see my boyfriend if he were here with me. I'm not immensely interested in marriage, but I would probably marry this boyfriend as long as I didn't have to change my name (I have publications under my current name). I will eventually be living with my boyfriend at the very least. We've been dating about 3 years, and it is about time. If we did get married, it would have to be after quals, and a year or so before dissertation writing, or after grad school and before my first post-doc.

 

Children are also an interesting subject to ponder. I simply can't imagine being pregnant and trying to work in the lab, and I also can't imagine having nearly enough time to be the type of mother I would want to be... even after graduate school. That also throws adoption or surrogates out. There really aren't any "good" times to have a baby in my field. Students and professors do it all the time, but it is incredibly difficult to recover from as it sets you back really far. Instead, I think we'll be dog parents since as long as one of us is there with them playing and walking them, they're happy. Boyfriend will be that dog's favorite person, ever. Maybe I'll change my mind about babies, later, but right now, it is a no.

 

Science is a tough field, and I knew that getting into it. People joke that you have to marry science and nurture it like your child. That is 100% true if you really want to make an impact. There will be some sacrifices, and I'm lucky that my boyfriend is thus far okay with them.

[danieleWrites]

I meant those entering graduate school from undergrad/early during their career. i.e. the poll wouldn't mean much to the married 39 year old career changer. Sorry for the confusion, we can move it if you deem it necessary. 

 

 

In other words "traditional" students, not "non-traditional" students.

[LittleDarlings]

No offense by this comment, I am shocked how people put school before families? Maybe it is because I am weird and want a husband and babies more than anything but if I had a long term boyfriend I would probably not even be applying to grad school if it meant not being with him.  My ex and I were together 3 months and I was planning a future lol, had we not broken up in Aug I don't think I would have started applying to schools.  I knew I wanted to go back to school, but with him being in the military I wanted to always be free to do whatever he needed you know? I don't know I can't imagine prioritizing school and research work and stuff over my relationship.   I would never leave school once I am in though either.  

[raneck]

^I'm not particularly surprised that posters on a forum dedicated to grad school view grad school as a high priority. The level of self selection seems like it would be very high. Perhaps posters on a dating and relationship forum would have a different view on grad studies

[pears]

No offense by this comment, I am shocked how people put school before families?

 

Well, this is a forum for future and graduate students. For many, "school" is just as much a full-time job/career as it is classes and assignments. Personally — and I'm sure I'm not alone in this — I'm in school (and, during the summers, at work) for what I've wanted to do for the last 20 years of my life, and want to do for all of my forseeable future. Sure, I'd love to be a parent eventually, but I'm going to be in loan debt for a while, and I need to realize my most important goals, most of which revolve around school/research/career things (alongside traveling), before someone else comes into the equation, be it via marriage or parenthood.

 

As aberrant said, I can't be in anything less than a completely secure state — economically, socially, and emotionally/mentally — if I'm going to nurture another human being (likely with the help of another person, who must be in an equally secure state) for, y'know, anywhere between 18 and 26 years. Parenthood and academia are, in many ways, full time jobs. Putting my own academic and career goals before anyone or anything else could be written off as selfish. However, I think committing anything less than my emotional and financial 100% to a child is even more selfish, and that's just not possible unless I feel soul-satisfied with my life. How could I possibly be a role model for pursuing knowledge and dreams if I cast mine aside for a perceived social pressure? My mind would be elsewhere if I didn't feel that my (mostly-academic) personal goals were realized.

[LittleDarlings]

I mean I understand but I don't if that makes sense?

I'm not in a relationship so of course school takes up majority of my time and more than likely will in the near future and is my first priority but if I was in a relationship it would take a very close second. Some girls want to grow up and be doctors and scientists and stuff, others just want to be wives and mothers (but didn't meet anyone at 20 so they go to school)

I don't think waiting is selfish at all, I guess people just have different goals and priorities than I do. That's fine. I just never knew how people (women) don't worry about finding a mate especially after a certain point. However that's just me I worry about everything

Edited December 2, 2013 by Pinkster12

[pears]

I feel like there's a lot more security in pursuing what I want for myself, and myself alone, than what I want that involves others. I've always wanted to be an archaeologist, but it wasn't until recently that I realized I also want to eventually be a spouse or partner and a parent. Relationships and engagements don't work out. Marriages after 2, 5, 10, 26 years (in my parents' case) end in divorce for any number of reasons. You can read every parenting book out there, and you may still have a terrible relationship with your child, or find that they will be dependent on you for the rest of their/your life for medical reasons. The greater number of people and factors involved, the more unpredictable the outcome. I feel like I can exert greater control over the outcome of my academic goals than I can over a very serious relationship or parenthood.

 

Also, I think flippantly dismissing it as "just" going to school is disrespectful and short-sighted. I don't see marriage or parenthood as "just" one or the other; both, along with graduate school, are enormous committments that people put heaps of time, effort, and money (...and sanity...) into. To "settle" for school, implying it's the inferior choice in your mind, seems very strange to me, seeing as it is very costly in many, many ways. Most people join this forum because pursuing a graduate degree is our dream; we've forgone pursuing the rest, for now, because the rest will follow once our most important goal is realized.

 

Why not be patient and pursue what's clearly the more important dream for you first?

[LittleDarlings]

I didn't mean "just" as a way to diminish grad school. As far as why I personally didn't pursue what is important to me? I think I am. Both school and family is important to me. I haven't been lucky enough to meet someone to get serious with. Now I'm applying to schools so I'm pretty committed to this process now I have to wait and see what will happen. I'm only going for a two year program, so I think that gives me time to get to be out on my own and meet new people and if I met someone in school (hopefully) I wouldn't have to be away from them long, if that makes sense? Anyways both are important I just think school can be the platform to help me achieve the other things I want

[SocGirl2013]

I eventually want marriage and family and all that jazz but like I honestly don't know when this can/will happen because I want to be an academic first, and like pears and aberrant pointed out, the timeline of fitting a family (and giving whatever life I may bring to this planet 100% of everything) into a PhD trajectory seems extremely difficult. If I - *knock on wood* get into a PhD program next cycle, that's 5 years when I have to give all my attention to my research, at the very least. I'll be 29 by then and have been poor for the majority of my life (yay student life lol). I can't imagine stopping/slowing down at that point to have a family because I'll finally have the opportunity to work as a Professor and make a decent living doing what I love. If I am lucky enough to get a tenure track position I'll have to work my a$$ off the first 4-6 years as an Assist. Prof. and can't imagine taking maternity leaves at the start of my career lol. Behold I am 35 and may no longer even be able to have babies. This is all assuming my current boyfriend of 6 months and I make it through the five potentially long-distance years of Grad School (knock on wood lol), cause I HIGHLY doubt I would have the time or the will to do this in grad school afresh with someone new, while having to worry about 20 papers that need to be written on any given day. The path we have chosen leaves very little room for these things, even though I would want those things, I want to be a successful academic more.

But who knows, things change, life happens maybe I'll feel differently in a few years, who cares? Point is we are young now, we have dreams and we can reach for them, whatever they might be. Carpe Diem!

[SocGirl2013]

I mean I understand but I don't if that makes sense?

I'm not in a relationship so of course school takes up majority of my time and more than likely will in the near future and is my first priority but if I was in a relationship it would take a very close second. Some girls want to grow up and be doctors and scientists and stuff, others just want to be wives and mothers (but didn't meet anyone at 20 so they go to school)

I don't think waiting is selfish at all, I guess people just have different goals and priorities than I do. That's fine. I just never knew how people (women) don't worry about finding a mate especially after a certain point. However that's just me I worry about everything

I respect your wishes and the desire to be a wife/mother, but I am sorry to say your singling out of "women" as a group whose motives you don't understand when different from yours rubs me in the wrong way. Why should women worry about "finding a mate" any more than men should? Nobody will ever criticise the choices you make for yourself for they are YOUR choices and YOUR life, but the sexist overtones of some of your generalized sentiments are bothersome to me and many others.

[bedmas]

i'm also not a fan of singling women out as wanting to `find a mate.' first of all, that's completely heteronormative. and in general, it's not everyone's priority. i worked incredibly hard for 4 years to get into this msc program and it encompasses my life (which is fine, that's what i was getting into!). if i decide to continue onto a phd, that's another 4-5 years on top of the 2 i'm looking at now. 

 

6-10 years of hard work will be because THAT is what i want in life and i'm interested in taking care of myself and my interests. yes, it would be nice to find a partner along the way. maybe not from school (probably/hopefully not, even). but i wouldn't drop everything i've worked so hard for because i met someone. 

 

i realize this sounds pretty aggressive but different people have different priorities and i don't like the implication i've seen around here lately that being 22-23 and having never been in a serious relationship means someone is defective.

[rising_star]

I eventually want marriage and family and all that jazz but like I honestly don't know when this can/will happen because I want to be an academic first, and like pears and aberrant pointed out, the timeline of fitting a family (and giving whatever life I may bring to this planet 100% of everything) into a PhD trajectory seems extremely difficult. If I - *knock on wood* get into a PhD program next cycle, that's 5 years when I have to give all my attention to my research, at the very least. I'll be 29 by then and have been poor for the majority of my life (yay student life lol). I can't imagine stopping/slowing down at that point to have a family because I'll finally have the opportunity to work as a Professor and make a decent living doing what I love. If I am lucky enough to get a tenure track position I'll have to work my a$$ off the first 4-6 years as an Assist. Prof. and can't imagine taking maternity leaves at the start of my career lol. Behold I am 35 and may no longer even be able to have babies. This is all assuming my current boyfriend of 6 months and I make it through the five potentially long-distance years of Grad School (knock on wood lol), cause I HIGHLY doubt I would have the time or the will to do this in grad school afresh with someone new, while having to worry about 20 papers that need to be written on any given day. The path we have chosen leaves very little room for these things, even though I would want those things, I want to be a successful academic more.

But who knows, things change, life happens maybe I'll feel differently in a few years, who cares? Point is we are young now, we have dreams and we can reach for them, whatever they might be. Carpe Diem!

 

Just curious but why can't you imagine taking maternity leave as an Assistant Professor? Many people do it and there are often institutional structures in place to make it easier (such as pausing the tenure clock, flexible scheduling, etc.).

[SocGirl2013]

Just curious but why can't you imagine taking maternity leave as an Assistant Professor? Many people do it and there are often institutional structures in place to make it easier (such as pausing the tenure clock, flexible scheduling, etc.).

 

Part of it is I have seen/heard of cases where people I knew did and their careers slowed down for a while and it took them a lot more years to move up the ladder/get tenured than it would have otherwise. The other part is I am not conifdent in my own ability to manage another human being while just starting out my teaching career. Maybe I will feel differently when the time does come, I am only 23 I know not of how things might shape up, but I don't want to have babies until I know I can be an excellent, unselfish parent. Maybe when I am ans Asst. Professor I will be that person, maybe not. But in any case it's nice to hear that institutions are willing to make the process easier, if that turns out to be the right time indeed.

[Sigaba]

I hope I meet someone in grad school and get married to the ASAP and have a baby during or after grad school

 

IMO, this frame of mind is something you should keep under your hat when you get to graduate school. While there are laws and policies forbidding discrimination, you may encounter professors who have set visions of the "proper" focus of graduate students and are willing to use their power to hold graduates to it.