Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

[Buffalofan4255]

going through a break up now...question to those currently in grad school (currently and undergrad senior, going to grad next year)...are you in a relationship? Is it tough balancing relationship life with grad work? To those who are single...is it tough balancing dating with work?

[ERR_Alpha]

going through a break up now...question to those currently in grad school (currently and undergrad senior, going to grad next year)...are you in a relationship? Is it tough balancing relationship life with grad work? To those who are single...is it tough balancing dating with work?

My boyfriend of three and a half years (at the time) made the move with me for graduate school. The relationship can work, but you need a really patient and not extremely needy partner. My boyfriend knows grad school comes first and that I'll have late nights and not be able to see him a lot. Having him there has been a great resource for me- I had a hard time transitioning and it was nice to have someone there. However, if you were dating someone who demanded more attention, it could be difficult. LDRs would probably introduce more issues as well.

[dr. t]

I'm pretty peeved that I have to buy a whole new gown for my MA graduation (it's slightly different than the BA gown, plus it comes with the fancy hood thing), so instead of paying around $60 like the BA grads, I pay $100! I will never wear either the BA or MA stuff again because PhD regalia is completely different. Although it is made of sturdier material since it's used all the time if you stay in academia, so there is that. I loathe the shiny black polyester awaiting me in May 

 

But all in all I'm pretty stoked to graduate. I love my department and can't wait to celebrate with everyone 

 

It's costing me $80 to rent my gown and hood for my MA.

Edited April 9, 2015 by telkanuru

[ashiepoo72]

Yeah but you're at a fancy pants program

[dr. t]

Yeah but you're at a fancy pants program

 

 

No kidding. I quote from the rental form:

 

"Our custom regalia is made by Oak Hall Industries, which manufactures everything in Salem, Virginia, USA. We are often asked to compare our custom regalia to a competitor’s product, which is made overseas. There are substantial differences in the grade of fabric used - when compared to regalia made overseas, our custom gowns have superior fabric draping, much more generous fluting, and a softer, rich grade of velvet."

[1Q84]

It's costing me $80 to rent my gown and hood for my MA.

 

Just paid $80 for mine too different company, though.

[ERR_Alpha]

No, advisor. I did not work up all of my data in the three hours since I left lab. I ate some pizza with my boyfriend, watched two episodes of family guy, and took a nice shower.

Sigh. I'm happy he's so interested but man, the pressure is getting to me.

[shadowclaw]

I don't really care for children, especially babies. I like the idea of having kids and the whole family thing, but the actual process of carrying a child and giving birth freaks me out. Plus being responsible for a tiny helpless creature is a tall order.

But when I get together with my best friends from high school, the ones that have children make me feel like I'm missing out and that I've pretty much blown my chances at having a family by pursuing an academic career. Not intentionally, but it still makes me feel a little conflicted about my life choices. Of course, one friend did tell me that she thought it would be really hard on me to have kids after having a career. I'm not sure if that means it will just be hard to balance things or if she expects me to drop everything like a few of my friends did and become a stay at home mom, which would no doubt be crappy.

I certainly don't regret my pursuit of science and academia, but I'm really starting to wish it didn't take me 10 years to get a B.S. I would have far fewer student loans and I'd be finishing up my PhD by now instead of just starting, which would make starting a family so much simpler. Then again, maybe tomorrow I will hear a screaming child and all of these feelings will go away. Blech.

[bsharpe269]

I don't really care for children, especially babies. I like the idea of having kids and the whole family thing, but the actual process of carrying a child and giving birth freaks me out. Plus being responsible for a tiny helpless creature is a tall order.

But when I get together with my best friends from high school, the ones that have children make me feel like I'm missing out and that I've pretty much blown my chances at having a family by pursuing an academic career. Not intentionally, but it still makes me feel a little conflicted about my life choices. Of course, one friend did tell me that she thought it would be really hard on me to have kids after having a career. I'm not sure if that means it will just be hard to balance things or if she expects me to drop everything like a few of my friends did and become a stay at home mom, which would no doubt be crappy.

I certainly don't regret my pursuit of science and academia, but I'm really starting to wish it didn't take me 10 years to get a B.S. I would have far fewer student loans and I'd be finishing up my PhD by now instead of just starting, which would make starting a family so much simpler. Then again, maybe tomorrow I will hear a screaming child and all of these feelings will go away. Blech.

 

I relate to this... I am very conflicted about the baby thing. I always thought that I would have a husband and kids but as I get older, I'm just not sure anymore. There are so many different things that I could be doing during those 18+ years. Do I want kids more than I want all of those other opportunities? I worry that I only want kids because society tells me I should. At the same time, my mom is a nanny and I have grown up around kids. I am very comfortable around them and enjoy their company, especially once they get to be around 3 years old at least.

 

I guess we don't necessarily have to make these decisions right know. I KNOW that I want to pursue science and think that MAYBE I want kids. Since of the two, science is the more sure thing, it makes most sense to go after that one right now.

[Cheshire_Cat]

I know the feeling.  I mean, I'm sure I want kids, but I also know I want to do this too. And then I want to enjoy having money for a little while before I have to spend it all on kids.  I'm a very selfish person.

[maelia8]

I don't really care for children, especially babies. I like the idea of having kids and the whole family thing, but the actual process of carrying a child and giving birth freaks me out. Plus being responsible for a tiny helpless creature is a tall order.

But when I get together with my best friends from high school, the ones that have children make me feel like I'm missing out and that I've pretty much blown my chances at having a family by pursuing an academic career. Not intentionally, but it still makes me feel a little conflicted about my life choices. Of course, one friend did tell me that she thought it would be really hard on me to have kids after having a career. I'm not sure if that means it will just be hard to balance things or if she expects me to drop everything like a few of my friends did and become a stay at home mom, which would no doubt be crappy.

I certainly don't regret my pursuit of science and academia, but I'm really starting to wish it didn't take me 10 years to get a B.S. I would have far fewer student loans and I'd be finishing up my PhD by now instead of just starting, which would make starting a family so much simpler. Then again, maybe tomorrow I will hear a screaming child and all of these feelings will go away. Blech.

 

 

I feel this conflict. For me, the fear is more not knowing where the heck I'll be when I finish my degree - as in, where will I be physically living, how long might I be there, and will I ever even have the money to support having a child?? If things work out relationship-wise I've even thought about having a baby during the dissertation phase when at least I'll be sure of health insurance and flexible hours, but there's no way to know if that would work out with a partner by then. I've also seen how it can slow the whole dissertation completion process down, but it can be even more problematic to have a child in the first few years at a new assistant professor position, and by the time I'm past that stage I'd be starting to worry that my eggs may no longer be viable (and then we get into the whole cost of adoption or fertility treatments). Sometimes it seems as though the whole thing is fraught no matter how you go about it, and there will be a major sacrifice - of time, of money, of sanity - no matter how you go about it. And the human body does not always obey deadlines either

[brown_eyed_girl]

I've also thought a bit about the kids thing. I'm definitely not at a stage where I want kids right now (in my mid-twenties), but I know I'd like them eventually, and I'm about to enter a PhD program. I've also heard of people having kids during the dissertation stage... but enough people don't finish dissertations without kids that I'd be worried I wouldn't get much done with such a major distraction. So, that would leave me planning on starting a family at some point after the dissertation, when I'd also ideally be starting my career and looking for jobs. There will never really be a convenient time... not that there ever is if you're a woman with a career, but with academia my career will just be starting when I'm in my early-mid thirties, rather than a lot of people who've had more established jobs for a while where they can take maternity leave, etc. The plus is that my boyfriend (we've talked about having a family eventually) has a flexible freelance career, so he may be able to share more parenting duties than the average guy. It's definitely a predicament for women who want careers and families. 

[Sarochan]

I thought I would never want kids, but that certainly changed after entering my mid-twenties/a serious relationship. It's definitely not a thing that would happen soon (or maybe at all, given the number of humans on the planet - my SO studied philosophy, and we keep discussing the morality of having a kid, haha)... But then again, I wouldn't want it to happen too late. My parents had me when they were older, and now I feel like I'm going to lose them way too soon; I wouldn't want to do that to a kid. It's hard to imagine that there will be a good time for having a baby, plus all the things that go along with it.

[Pitangus]

I've never wanted kids, and my boyfriend and I have no plans to have them. Fortunately this made grad school and the possible resulting career paths easier options for me. I agree that it seems like there is never really a best time from grad school onwards... I think if we did have any desire to have kids then we would be tempted to keep putting it off in the same way that we have put off having a wedding.

But people do have kids at all academic stages and many make it through (the grad school/establishing a career part I mean), and sometimes the pregnancy is a surprise anyways, and people decide to just try to make it work.

[Cheshire_Cat]

This isn't a rant, but I thought I'd put it here.  I complain about my job a lot, and I will be glad when I'm in the Ph.D program.  But, I am a CPA at a public accounting firm, it is the Friday before April 15th, and I am sitting in my bed eating ice cream (to soothe a sore throat of course) after being rained out of the dog park. I have worked 40.5 hours this week, and worked about that last week too. I won't be going into work this weekend.  Most of my friends in public accounting are tax season zombies at this point.  So I guess that makes me pretty blessed, regardless of what happens.

[Cosmojo]

I don't really care for children, especially babies. I like the idea of having kids and the whole family thing, but the actual process of carrying a child and giving birth freaks me out. Plus being responsible for a tiny helpless creature is a tall order.

But when I get together with my best friends from high school, the ones that have children make me feel like I'm missing out and that I've pretty much blown my chances at having a family by pursuing an academic career. Not intentionally, but it still makes me feel a little conflicted about my life choices. Of course, one friend did tell me that she thought it would be really hard on me to have kids after having a career. I'm not sure if that means it will just be hard to balance things or if she expects me to drop everything like a few of my friends did and become a stay at home mom, which would no doubt be crappy.

I certainly don't regret my pursuit of science and academia, but I'm really starting to wish it didn't take me 10 years to get a B.S. I would have far fewer student loans and I'd be finishing up my PhD by now instead of just starting, which would make starting a family so much simpler. Then again, maybe tomorrow I will hear a screaming child and all of these feelings will go away. Blech.

I want babies, and their chubby little faces and all the tiny little clothes. I want the racket and the mess and the snuggles. What I struggle with is how I feel I can't have academia and that. Almost all my mentors are men and have stay at home wives. Well as a straight woman I will never have a stay at home wife....and my fiance is the career minded type as well- except we both want kids. I feel selfish, that if I choose career I am putting down something in me that is very instinctual, but if I choose to be a mom that I am not living up to my potential, or worse even not being a good mom by never being around and putting my job ahead of my family. Optimistically, I'll be done with a Ph.D. at 26, done with post doc at 28, established in a job at 30- do I really need to wait that long too feel like its ok for me to have children because heavens knows it would be looked down upon if I did it now. 

[victorydance]

I feel pretty happy that I never want to have kids in my lifetime. Don't ever have to think about that or make any significant sacrifices. 

[brown_eyed_girl]

Optimistically, I'll be done with a Ph.D. at 26, done with post doc at 28, established in a job at 30- do I really need to wait that long too feel like its ok for me to have children because heavens knows it would be looked down upon if I did it now. 

 

I actually think you're in a great position age-wise, since fertility doesn't start declining precipitously in most women until mid to late thirties. I'll be *entering* my PhD program at 25, hopefully done by 32, and probably won't be established in a career track job for another few years, which means I'll have to juggle a bit more to have kids before I'm at an age where pregnancy becomes riskier. In your case I think you have a good amount of wiggle room, and if you decide to have kids before you are settled in a career job, finishing your PhD so young means that you won't be behind age-wise if you take some time off. 

[brown_eyed_girl]

This isn't a rant, but I thought I'd put it here.  I complain about my job a lot, and I will be glad when I'm in the Ph.D program.  But, I am a CPA at a public accounting firm, it is the Friday before April 15th, and I am sitting in my bed eating ice cream (to soothe a sore throat of course) after being rained out of the dog park. I have worked 40.5 hours this week, and worked about that last week too. I won't be going into work this weekend.  Most of my friends in public accounting are tax season zombies at this point.  So I guess that makes me pretty blessed, regardless of what happens.

 

I like your gratefulness rant. We could all use more of those.  

 

I too am pretty grateful. I've got a great boyfriend, some really wonderful friends, a fine-for-now job that has given me tons of great experience in my field, and in the Fall I'm going to one of the best PhD programs in my field and getting paid to learn stuff -- what an awesome luxury. Life is good.  

[SublimePZ]

On the baby topic, I feel like my viewpoint has changed dramatically. Coming out of undergrad I couldn't even imagine having a kid or settling down in any fashion (not being in a relationship notwithstanding...).

After working in a company for a year and being surrounded by people either settling down or having babies (sometimes second babies!), I can feel my opinion about it changing. I see how happy having a child and a settled, committed relationship has made them, and I feel more than a little jealous. Obviously I don't see the 4 am wake-up to a crying baby or the fresh brown trout in a child's Huggies every morning, but everyone that i've talked to says that having a child has changed their entire lives for the better.

 

Now, this isn't to say that I'm going to jump into a relationship with the explicit intention to have a child (baby steps, people.), but I can definitely feel myself changing my opinion about having a child, settling down, etc.

 

Maybe... just maybe... is this what they call growing up?!?!?! Just kidding (...I think).

[BiochemMom]

Mine changed six years into marriage--a switch flipped and it went from eh maybe I won't have kids to OMG WE NEED A BABY NOW. My husband had already been at that point for two years.

If it happens, it happens. If not, that's fine too. There's never a perfect time to have a kid. You'll always be juggling something--grad school, career, whatever. One day, it'll just feel like the right time for you (assuming you do decide you want one!) and you'll figure out how to make it work.

[ERR_Alpha]

I see babies and my brain goes "look! A baby! You've at your peak fertility! You should make a baby!" then I gush over how cute the baby is. Sigh. Someday... Haha.

[BiochemMom]

I see babies and my brain goes "look! A baby! You've at your peak fertility! You should make a baby!" then I gush over how cute the baby is. Sigh. Someday... Haha.

I see babies and think, "how sweet. Now please don't expect me to babysit just because I have a kid" Edited April 12, 2015 by BiochemMom

[busybeinganxious]

I have 5 children.  I have should have satisfied my maternal urges in spades.  My youngest two are 12 (yeah, twins...) That said, the cooing, "oh-babies-are-cute" thing still happens every so often.  I think in part that's a biological reflex honestly. I am NOT having any more kids.  EVER.  I love my kids more than I could possibly say, but want no more diaper duty, sleepless nights or sore nipples.  A good number of my age cohort are doing the 2nd family thing either with their original spouse, or with a new one.  My reaction is still "No thanks."

 

What I'm trying to say, albiet ham-handedly is that maternal (or paternal) twinges happen from time to time for almost everyone.  Wisdom lies in realizing the difference between a twinge, and a real desire for parenthood for lack of better terms.  Babies are a pain in the ass.  Toddlers are the same (though more entertaining).  Young children are like toddlers much of the time.  Tweens and teenagers revert to baby status (PITA).   

 

Were my kids worth it? Absolutely.  Would I recommend the same path (IE having biological or any children) for everyone?  Oh hells no.  Feeling guilt, or questioning yourself over not wanting kids ever or not wanting kids "now" is fruitless.  If you don't want 'em, don't second guess it too much.  Live a happy life as someone without them, or at least for the time being.

 

The take away?  Babies are like puppies.  They're always cutest when they belong to somebody else.

Edited April 12, 2015 by busybeinganxious

[ashiepoo72]

School is the one thing going extremely well for me. My entire life is a complete shitshow, utterly falling apart, I wish I didn't quit smoking mess. But school is fabulous. Also, I have trouble crying even though I probably need to badly right now.