Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

[Between Fields]

One of the other PhD students down the hallway forgets my name, constantly, and calls me "honey" or something like that, even though my freakin' name is on my freakin' office door. She asked me about the results of a search committee I'm on and I told her politely that I couldn't discuss that until an offer was made and signed by a candidate and she proceeded to vent loudly with another student in the hallway outside my office about how awful she thought our second candidate was. I don't feel like I can say anything about her to anyone because I'm a first-year and she's a fourth or fifth year. Ugh.

[shadowclaw]

One of my friends has perfected the art of having and raising children inexpensively. She and her husband are really good at finding quality used items, repurposing materials, and making a little bit go a long way. She also has a lot of generous ladies in her life who got her a lot of good stuff at her shower. So I know that it's possible to inexpensively raise a child. However, I am also in a pretty selfish stage of my life, so I don't think having a kid in the next few years is a smart plan.

I completely echo the sentiment that having kids later in life deprives them of time with their parents and even grandparents. My parents had me in their mid-30's, and it really saddens me that I will probably lose them when I'm in my 50's (or maybe even 40's), and if I wait until my mid-30's, my children will lose them as teenagers. Meanwhile, my older sister will have spent over 60 years with them, and her daughter will be in her 40's by then.

I was thinking that maybe I could have kids later in my PhD program, but I just don't know how that would work with a TA position. I'm hoping that I can do some successful grant writing with my PI to help fund me with an RA which might make childbirth more convenient. Either way, I do feel like I am at a disadvantage that I really can't stay at home with kids even if I wanted to. I used to joke that my husband could be a stay at home dad since I am the one who went to college and will hopefully get a decent job. However, I doubt I could ever find a job that paid enough to make that work.

But I guess there really isn't any perfect time for kids. I guess my friends got really lucky. One left the Air Force because her husband (also in the Air Force) was stationed at a different base. So she was kind of in a good position to start having kids, since they were financially stable (no student loans and good income and savings). My other frugal friend happened to have free housing from her husband's job when she got pregnant, plus they had been putting most of their income towards student loans and had barely any left, so even though he didn't make a lot (and she gave vocal lessons part time), they could manage everything. Sigh.

[MangoSmoothie]

I completely echo the sentiment that having kids later in life deprives them of time with their parents and even grandparents. My parents had me in their mid-30's, and it really saddens me that I will probably lose them when I'm in my 50's (or maybe even 40's), and if I wait until my mid-30's, my children will lose them as teenagers. Meanwhile, my older sister will have spent over 60 years with them, and her daughter will be in her 40's by then.

 

I also agree a lot with this. My mom had me when she was 40, and my dad was 38. All but one of my grandparents had died before I was born, and the remaining passed from breast cancer when I was five (she was 75), but we lived out of state and far away until I was three, so I only spent two years with her, and I barely remember them. The last few months were visits to the nursing home when she was in very poor health.

 

I guess even if they hadn't died, the other three grandparents I would have had were apparently horrible anyway. Paternal grandfather was violently abusive, maternal grandfather was violently abusive and an alcoholic, and paternal grandmother was a violent alcoholic who abandoned my dad as a kid and he never saw her again until her funeral. So they weren't people that would have been in my life anyway. Still, if they weren't horrible people, they wouldn't have been in my life for long, because they wouldn't have been relatively young when I was born. It makes me sad I lost my grandmother when I did, and while I'm grateful for the time we had, I'm quite envious of people with grandparents who were with them for a long time. I really don't know what it's like to have a grandparent or that relationship.

 

I'm just starting grad school in the fall and my mom has been retired for three years now, and my dad will probably retire before I finish. I really want my parents to meet any kids I may have and have a presence in their lives, but we're all getting older, and I won't be having any for at least the next five years, likely more, so how much time will they even have together. I have a niece and nephew now, and I can see how important my parent's presence is in their lives, although my niece and nephew have parents who are a little less stable than I plan to be, so having my parents as grandparents is particularly important for them.

 

My mom's health isn't the greatest either and has already been pretty steadily declining (albeit slowly) for a long time, so I'm constantly worried about how much time she has left. It's a morbid thought, yes, but it bothers me a lot. I'll also have loads of debt from school, and I want to travel quite a bit, so I don't know when I'd even be ready to have kids. I know I really do want kids, but I don't think any time will be the just right time.

 

Of course, before having kids, I need to get over my chronic singlehood. That's another vent right there. Admittedly, I haven't really been in any situations to meet new people for awhile, although I tried online dating for a few months since I was back in the US from abroad and didn't know many people in the area, but I didn't have the best experience. I'm getting really tired of being single though, especially when more and more of my friends are entering long term relationships, getting engaged, or getting married. It's not that I think I should be getting engaged soon or anything because they are. I was really shy before around 21 and had never dated before then, so I know I'm "behind" in that respect. It's more that the more they enter serious relationships, the less we have time to do things together, which I guess is a natural process of getting older. This is fine, and I'm happy for them and like their partners, but I don't have that kind of relationship to turn to, especially since most of my very best friends are scattered around the world. I have one other good friend in the area who is single, and we definitely hang out and do things together the most. I need to get out there more and try to meet new people, but it's not always easy, and it takes a lot of time. I'm moving to a new city in August though, so for now I'm just accepting of my singlehood, as much as I think it would be great to be in a relationship.

Edited April 13, 2015 by MangoSmoothie

[BiochemMom]

I'd like to echo the other side of older parents. My father passed away when I was 27 at the age of 82 and my mother is currently 63 (yes they were far apart!). I knew I'd lose my dad young and I'll probably lose my mother by the time I'm fifty since she's in poor health. However, my father was able to retire and be a stay at home father my whole life and because of his age, we spoke on the phone daily for hours while I commuted every single day until he passed--I was actually the last person to speak with him because my mother was at work. So while my older siblings had much longer lives with my parents (I'm the youngest by a lot due to infertility and my father had children in his first marriage), they never got the same quality time I did due to my parents already being completely settled and fully promoted in their careers by the time I came along. For me, that means a lot and I don't regret my parents age at all. I'll miss my father for the rest of my life, but I was so close to him while he was here every minute was worth it and counted.

[shadowclaw]

I had a lot of issues with romantic relationships, too. My first at 17 was short-lived and a terrible idea. The guy was way too old for me and had a lot of issues. Luckily I wised up quickly. My second started a few months later after I was 18 with a friend from school. It lasted two years, but it really wasn't a very good one. While I was in college and starting to grow up, he was still in high school and was pretty immature. The worst part was that there was a great guy who was interested, but I had to turn him down, of course. The relationship ended when he realized he was gay, and it took several years to meet someone else.

I tried online dating sites, which for me only resulted in going out on one date with a guy who was just interested in getting laid, and unfortunately for him, I didn't put out. I also had people try to fix me up with guys, but that never worked out. The only one that could have was quite a bit older than me and I didn't want to go down that path again. I eventually just gave up and then someone just sort of walked into my life and I married him. So don't lose hope. Sometimes I think we just need to focus on other things and let relationships fall into place.

[Cheshire_Cat]

Well, I have only had two grandparents for almost all of my life, and they aren't particularly close to me.  My maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother both died at 55, when I was a toddler.  So having kids young doesn't always stop your kids from losing their grandparents.  I adopted grandparents, a childless older couple who were our next-door-neighbors when I was young, and they did grandparent like things with us.  Unfortunately that grandmother passed young as well, when I was 13, and that was devastating.  I really want my kids to have good grandparents.  Luckily, the great-grandparents that didn't die young lived into their 90's, so there is a good chance my parents will still be around for a while.  I hope so.

[Sword_Saint]

I like the idea of having kids and the whole family thing, but the actual process of carrying a child and giving birth freaks me out. 

I relate to this... I am very conflicted about the baby thing. I always thought that I would have a husband and kids but as I get older

I know the feeling.  I mean, I'm sure I want kids, but I also know I want to do this too. And then I want to enjoy having money for a little while before I have to spend it all on kids.

I feel this conflict.

I've also thought a bit about the kids thing. I'm definitely not at a stage where I want kids right now (in my mid-twenties), but I know I'd like them eventually, and I'm about to enter a PhD program.

I thought I would never want kids, but that certainly changed after entering my mid-twenties/a serious relationship.

 

Definitely something I've thought about- don't have to worry about the bearing children bit, but unsure whether it'd be 'appropriate' to ask my fiancee about the prospects of children while I'm attending graduate school. Certainly want kids at some point though. One of the faculty at my institution had a child after she gained tenure, both her and her husband are late 30's/early 40's tenured faculty an the move makes sense to me but thats a long wait an then there's thinking about having kids into your older age (50's - 60's). 

 

Perhaps this is wrong, but I almost feel like I have a moral obligation to have children. Discouraging to see many of my former f***-up high school classmates with multiple children. Irrational fear that the movie Idiocracy (2006) is predicting the future.

 

 

 

Edit: This was apparently unclear but what I meant by appropriate was that having children while I'm pursuing a PhD program would likely mean more work for my significant other as my focus would not be on children but on academic success. Physically speaking with her is not the issue, the issue is roles and responsibilities of parenthood while focusing on other endeavors. I like to think I'd be a good father, but my focus would not be on kids despite wanting kids, until I'm done with the program.

Edited April 13, 2015 by Sword_Saint

[mockturtle]

Oh god, all this talk about older parents is close to my heart. I was my parents' first child at 39 and 45, so now at age 20 they're 59 and 65 and easily the oldest parents of anyone my age that I know.

 

I still have 2 of my grandparents, thankfully... but my children might not unless I start pumping them out soon (and that's not happening). I don't even know if my dad will be around to walk me down the aisle by the time I'm married (also probably not happening soon), considering my family's medical history. It's a really chilling thought and I don't know anyone else my age dealing with it yet.

[brown_eyed_girl]

Definitely something I've thought about- don't have to worry about the bearing children bit, but unsure whether it'd be 'appropriate' to ask my fiancee about the prospects of children while I'm attending graduate school.

 

I don't see why it would be inappropriate to ask. I talked to my boyfriend about the issue because we eventually plan to marry and have kids and I don't really see it happening while I'm in grad school, which means putting it off for 7 years. I think it would be unfair not to tell him that now. When to have kids is a big issue for a lot of couples, so I think it's better to talk about it before you're married to make sure you're on the same page. 

[_kita]

Definitely something I've thought about- don't have to worry about the bearing children bit, but unsure whether it'd be 'appropriate' to ask my fiancee about the prospects of children while I'm attending graduate school. 

 

You should be able to talk to your fiancee about the best way to have children. It's a major life event they need to be a part of, after all!

 

I've talked to my boyfriend about it seriously. We haven't talked about timing, other than I want to have children mainly after graduate school. I'm okay with the idea of waiting to have kids until I'm early-mid thirties. We might re-visit the idea if the PhD program is less intensive than I imagine, but I don't want to saddle him with the bulk of the work.  I'd rather be able to support the child as well.

 

I'm lucky where his work is as an artist, so he's okay with having an at-home studio. That way we can have one stay at home parent, but he'll still have a career. 

[MidwesternAloha]

Definitely something I've thought about- don't have to worry about the bearing children bit, but unsure whether it'd be 'appropriate' to ask my fiancee about the prospects of children while I'm attending graduate school. Certainly want kids at some point though. One of the faculty at my institution had a child after she gained tenure, both her and her husband are late 30's/early 40's tenured faculty an the move makes sense to me but thats a long wait an then there's thinking about having kids into your older age (50's - 60's). 

 

Perhaps this is wrong, but I almost feel like I have a moral obligation to have children. Discouraging to see many of my former f***-up high school classmates with multiple children. Irrational fear that the movie Idiocracy (2006) is predicting the future.

 

You should be able to talk to your fiancee about the best way to have children. It's a major life event they need to be a part of, after all!

 

I've talked to my boyfriend about it seriously. We haven't talked about timing, other than I want to have children mainly after graduate school. I'm okay with the idea of waiting to have kids until I'm early-mid thirties. We might re-visit the idea if the PhD program is less intensive than I imagine, but I don't want to saddle him with the bulk of the work.  I'd rather be able to support the child as well.

 

I'm lucky where his work is as an artist, so he's okay with having an at-home studio. That way we can have one stay at home parent, but he'll still have a career. 

 

I actually based my grad school decision on which place had the best (and wound up being the ONLY) maternity leave policy.  I am not running off tomorrow, but my husband and I aren't going to wait til I finish a PhD to start a family.

[Sarochan]

Oh god, all this talk about older parents is close to my heart. I was my parents' first child at 39 and 45, so now at age 20 they're 59 and 65 and easily the oldest parents of anyone my age that I know.

 

I still have 2 of my grandparents, thankfully... but my children might not unless I start pumping them out soon (and that's not happening). I don't even know if my dad will be around to walk me down the aisle by the time I'm married (also probably not happening soon), considering my family's medical history. It's a really chilling thought and I don't know anyone else my age dealing with it yet.

The being the only one I know dealing with it thing is really hard for me. (That was not an elegant sentence, but hopefully it gets the point across.) Most people I know around my age have parents in their 40's or 50's, and don't really have to worry about them (in terms of health, etc.) My dad had two heart attacks and my mom keeps getting respiratory infections and I just can't help but feel that they are very fragile. And here I am, their only kid, living across the country and unable to really do much to keep an eye on them besides calling and making sure they're doing alright.

On a completely different note, I am very anxious right now because my PI at the university I think I'm going to choose sent me an email that seemed to indicate she thought I had chosen a different school. Now I am freaking out that maybe that option is closed, even though the letter I got indicated I had until the 15th to decide.

[shadowclaw]

Perhaps this is wrong, but I almost feel like I have a moral obligation to have children. Discouraging to see many of my former f***-up high school classmates with multiple children. Irrational fear that the movie Idiocracy (2006) is predicting the future

I get you. I know someone else mentioned that having kids could be somewhat immoral, considering the earth's rapidly increasing population. I agree to an extent... I don't think it's a good choice to have a ton of kids. I'm not quite ready to call it immoral, but I don't think it's very... responsible.

At the same time, I think it's important for the educated and financially well-off to have children. I've never seen Idiocracy, but I think I know what it's about. I recall reading that educated people tend to put off children until their 30's, resulting in fewer children, while the uneducated have them earlier and have more. This only applies to the U.S., although it could apply to other countries as well. Being uneducated doesn't mean you're going to be a bad parent or that your children will grow up uneducated, but I'm pretty sure there is a correlation between the education levels of parents and their children. We want more educated people in the world who are going to make intelligent and informed decisions. So I feel like not having children might be bad for society.

[Sword_Saint]

At the same time, I think it's important for the educated and financially well-off to have children. I've never seen Idiocracy, but I think I know what it's about. I recall reading that educated people tend to put off children until their 30's, resulting in fewer children, while the uneducated have them earlier and have more. This only applies to the U.S., although it could apply to other countries as well. Being uneducated doesn't mean you're going to be a bad parent or that your children will grow up uneducated, but I'm pretty sure there is a correlation between the education levels of parents and their children. We want more educated people in the world who are going to make intelligent and informed decisions. So I feel like not having children might be bad for society.

 

Yeah, that is at the basis of why I philosophize about the morality of having versus not having children. Fundamentally I question whether individuals have an obligation to society to do what they are most capable of doing. Again, not that having a graduate degree makes you 'most capable' of being a good parent, but lets say you have the potential to be a phenomenal engineer or world renown surgeon, but decide to instead do something for the rest of your life that does not directly contribute to society. Is this morally reprehensible? 

 

I feel like I'm skirting the topic of eugenics by hinting at requirements to be a parent, I do not mean to. Just curious about whether or not individuals have a moral obligation to society with respect to child rearing. Seems like a difficult dialogue to me.

[brown_eyed_girl]

On a completely different note, I am very anxious right now because my PI at the university I think I'm going to choose sent me an email that seemed to indicate she thought I had chosen a different school. Now I am freaking out that maybe that option is closed, even though the letter I got indicated I had until the 15th to decide.

 

Just reply and let her know that you have been taking time considering your options but are still very excited about her program and intend to respond before the 15th. It should be fine! 

[Sarochan]

I did, and everything is fine, just as you said. Damn anxiety making me freak out uselessly.

Thanks to all the friendly and positive people here who've helped me when I had questions, whether reasonable or caused by excessive anxiety! I really appreciate your help and kind words.

[Cheshire_Cat]

Yeah, that is at the basis of why I philosophize about the morality of having versus not having children. Fundamentally I question whether individuals have an obligation to society to do what they are most capable of doing. Again, not that having a graduate degree makes you 'most capable' of being a good parent, but lets say you have the potential to be a phenomenal engineer or world renown surgeon, but decide to instead do something for the rest of your life that does not directly contribute to society. Is this morally reprehensible? 

 

I feel like I'm skirting the topic of eugenics by hinting at requirements to be a parent, I do not mean to. Just curious about whether or not individuals have a moral obligation to society with respect to child rearing. Seems like a difficult dialogue to me.

I've always wanted to adopt- the prospect of being pregnant is not pleasant, and adoption is encouraged in my community. However I also want to have my own, kind of for this reason.  It sounds bad. But I know I will marry someone smart, and everyone in my family is incredibly intelligent and with few health problems. It would be sad to deprive the world of us.  Prideful? Totally. But I have thought it.

[gsc]

Not related to the baby conversation: I'm excited about starting my program next year, but I'm coming to the realization that I actually have no idea what I want to do after graduate school. I'm twenty years old and I feel like I literally have to figure out my entire life right now and the pressure is killing me. 

[MidwesternAloha]

I get you. I know someone else mentioned that having kids could be somewhat immoral, considering the earth's rapidly increasing population. I agree to an extent... I don't think it's a good choice to have a ton of kids. I'm not quite ready to call it immoral, but I don't think it's very... responsible.

At the same time, I think it's important for the educated and financially well-off to have children. I've never seen Idiocracy, but I think I know what it's about. I recall reading that educated people tend to put off children until their 30's, resulting in fewer children, while the uneducated have them earlier and have more. This only applies to the U.S., although it could apply to other countries as well. Being uneducated doesn't mean you're going to be a bad parent or that your children will grow up uneducated, but I'm pretty sure there is a correlation between the education levels of parents and their children. We want more educated people in the world who are going to make intelligent and informed decisions. So I feel like not having children might be bad for society.

I've heard this phenomenon called "high investment parenting" referring to the older (not only, per se, just older than the counterparts) population who waits to stay a family til they have accomplished and established themselves a little more.

[geographyrocks]

I broke up with my boyfriend of several years. There just wasn't a future for us. So now I go from being happy that I'm single to being sad that it didn't work to being irritated because his ass still lives in my house. And he won't be able to move out for weeks because he's been unemployed for many months. *sigh*

On the plus side, I've known I don't want children for years so at least my biological clock keeps its nose out of the conversation.

[spectastic]

what's this deal where 80% of all the sublets you see are "for girls?" gender discrimination is not ok!

[1Q84]

I want to just give up on this MA thesis but I also don't want my readers to think I'm a complete moron.

[Page228]

Glad to see I'm not the only person thinking highly enough of my own intelligence to think that the world needs my children to prevent an idiocracy.

Not right this moment though. Right this moment Nothing in life seems to be going quite right, and school can't start soon enough.

[spectastic]

Glad to see I'm not the only person thinking highly enough of my own intelligence to think that the world needs my children to prevent an idiocracy.

Not right this moment though. Right this moment Nothing in life seems to be going quite right, and school can't start soon enough.

unfortunately that's not up to you. producing a few geniuses won't prevent the oversupply of idiots. 

[spectastic]

Not related to the baby conversation: I'm excited about starting my program next year, but I'm coming to the realization that I actually have no idea what I want to do after graduate school. I'm twenty years old and I feel like I literally have to figure out my entire life right now and the pressure is killing me. 

 

 

the 20s is a period of self-examination, according to John Gray