Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

[Ksu]

I literally got rejected by every school I applied to for PhD for another year of applications.

[Anudeep]

Hey!, whom should I contact regarding university grad college fee refund?

PS:I was an international student.

Edited April 7, 2022 by Anudeep

[Cogni]

On 3/26/2022 at 6:18 PM, Ksu said:

This is another year of applications for PhD programs and I literally had to change all of my letters of recommendation as I suspect the old ones were written to discredit me. I had revamped my applications entirely. Then program of first choice demands letter from director of the last program who  probably wrote bad letter. To test, I only used that letter in one program. I did not get in.

]I am boiling in my own juice waiting to hear from all programs and my family is in the war zone right now, at least some of them. I barely get any texts from them.  

There are some of my so-called friends who are telling me to give up on getting a PhD, telling me to get a "real job" and stop pursuing education career. One of former professors told me not to feel bad, that "eventually I will get my PhD" meaning I won't  it was clear from his face what he meant. 

If I count how many people told me I won't get a PhD I would be at least millionaire. Well, exaturating  a bit but at least would get a $100 for entire number.

My mornings start with roll call of family in the war zone and ones who are safe. As in each morning. 

Then I check on grad school applications. Last school is taking forever and makes me so antsy I finally emailed grad admissions and they refused to give a deadline when decisions will be posted. Not reaching out to the program. No.

I had to severely cut down number of friends by how people act and if they truly support me. Not sure what to tell you about the rest. Considering everything I go through I act as a sane person with iron clad polite demeanor. I don't even bother reacting when someone is screaming at me on the phone if I need to talk to them and wait until they are done. 

Yesterday, while reading Ukrainian news, it affected me. That cannot be fully avoided. I could probably go on, but there is a point where I need to stop. I don't expect anyone to respond, but at least I vented and got some of it out.

 

Trust me, there is worse situation. Imagine you seeing an acceptance letter from the program where you got rejected from plastered over your Facebook stream early in the morning, with all unicorns and rainbows added to it from one of your previous program's classmates. All while you got rejection letter from the same program.

 

Not sure if it will help you, but it helped me. I did DBT therapy group and not only my grades went up, I got more motivation and resilience to do everything. Academics tend to get under your skin so I found it helpful. DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy if I remember right. 

Best of luck! It's always hard to make dreams come true and carry out true desires. Hope it's your true desire that comes out of your heart and not an attempt to prove something to somebody, copy some significant person in your life etc. 
If it's completely yours and if it would lead you to more happiness it will come true by all means))

[Ksu]

On 4/14/2022 at 6:31 AM, Cogni said:

Best of luck! It's always hard to make dreams come true and carry out true desires. Hope it's your true desire that comes out of your heart and not an attempt to prove something to somebody, copy some significant person in your life etc. 
If it's completely yours and if it would lead you to more happiness it will come true by all means))

I got no one to copy. My immidiate family has no one with PhD

[Ksu]

On 4/14/2022 at 6:31 AM, Cogni said:

Best of luck! It's always hard to make dreams come true and carry out true desires. Hope it's your true desire that comes out of your heart and not an attempt to prove something to somebody, copy some significant person in your life etc. 
If it's completely yours and if it would lead you to more happiness it will come true by all means))

Additionally, your words are quiet offensive. I have my own piece of mind and don't copy others. You owe me an apology.

[Cogni]

I had absolutely no intention to offend you and don't feel any guilt. Instead, I wished you best of luck and underlined that fact that if the desire is true, it always comes true. I even don't know you))) and ofc I have nothing against you dear. How can I read your mind and guess what's on it? Cannot you see the word "if" in my phrase? Did I say anything like "hey, it's not your desire, you have literally copied it!" - no. Hope you see it. please don't create the meaning I never meant. I feel sorry for that thing that you get offended about nothing and feel that an absolutely unknown person wants to offend you. Nobody wants to do harm to you and the world is a safe place.

[Carly Rae Jepsen]

I've been in a program for a few years and forgot how anxiety inducing application processes are now that I am applying for a few external fellowships. Even if these opportunities are not life/death for me (my program has a more or less acceptable stipend for humanities grads), I still need to embellish my CV. I recently got published which made me realize that academia is certainly my path. I just wish it didn't demand as much as it does!

[clarowe1]

On the Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities program page, it says that applicants will find out if they are invited for an interview mid-late December however the offices were closed from December 23rd-January 2nd. I haven't heard anything yet but I've seen that some people in a different psychology program have received emails inviting for interviews. 

 

I've got about 7 years experience with intellectual/developmental disabilities. I have a BS in psychology (3.08) with a M. Ed in Foundations of Behavior Analysis (4.0). I don't have extensive research experience but I've worked in psychiatric settings in addition to clinical experience working 1:1 with severe autism. I have previous supervisor recommendation in addition to the diagnostic clinician I worked closely with. My gut is telling me that this would make me a great candidate but it's difficult to continue this confidence as time goes on. I'm not the greatest writer but my statement of purpose was very personal to me and why I am a good fit for this program. My strength is in communication and early intervention for children with autism to which I requested working with a faculty member that specializes in exactly that. 

 

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I don't have anyone to relate to about this experience so it's been a bit lonely and overwhelming.

[RC4]

I'm almost 30, and I'm feeling really anxious about only just finishing my graduate program. I've only ever had one job before and I feel like my life has never even started. I feel like I'm constantly in limbo and I am incredibly afraid that I haven't properly developed any real skills as a college student. I felt horrible imposter syndrome through grad school, especially when I was a teaching assistant. I found a job between grad school that helped alleviate that feeling but I feel like I'm back at square one again. I'm still not enough for my field, and need to go back another year or two for a clinical program for certification. I'm operating off of pennies after emptying my savings on grad school and I feel incredibly hopeless about my future. I hope I can find a job as an assistant, I don't feel like my graduate degree actually helps me at all without the requisite experience and certifications. I feel worthless.

[Psynaptix]

I feel like I had a very promising career as a scientist, researching at one of the top international institutions and developing my thesis on a topic of my choice. But I have since lost it all, and now I feel that I won't be able to live doing what I love anymore. You see, I was able to pick my research topic because I joined this PIs lab on the condition that I would choose my own research topic. In hindsight, this was a big mistake. Not only did I get no support from the PI or the lab, I felt that I was ostracized from the lab all the time. This situation became highly stressful for me and discouraging, I can still remember the pain of working by myself and struggling to learn how to teach myself new techniques. Yet, I was determined to see my research go through, but all of this spiraled out of my control when that PI kicked me out of his lab.

It was funny because the week leading to this person kicking me out I had expressed another research idea to them, in which I detailed all the experiments necessary with the theoretical justification for them. And, unsurprisingly, this PI tried to give this research idea as theirs away to others who considered joining the lab after they kicked me out. Even less surprising, an ex colleague from that lab ended up publishing a paper on that same research idea, yet it was severely lacking the most important aspects that would have made it a breakthrough publication.

After being kicked from this lab, I was forced to scour for labs within the institution who would have me, and many of the labs who had previously shown interest in me straight out rejected me. I was fortunate, however, in that a different lab took me in despite my situation. Yet, throughout the process I always felt like I was at fault, that I did something wrong, because even the administration who was supposed to help me and back me, made me feel guilty about my situation. Words can not express how depressed and disillusioned I was towards science throughout this whole ordeal. Even worse, I had just signed a new rental contract at the time that I was kicked out, in which I had negotiated a longer term rental for a lower price, and as such I was locked into the area. I came from a working class family, unlike some of my peers, so I had no means to free myself of this situation.

The new lab didn't seem particularly intellectually challenging, but I was now researching a topic that I had no interest in. Every experiment felt like slog, I felt that with every action I lost my sense of self. I just kept doing it out of survival, trying to get through it such that I could later move towards something more fitting. I felt as if I had resigned my fate to others, I longer had any semblance of control over my life. Pandemic came, and I think the situation worsened overall. While I was able to take a significant break from the daily struggle in lab, I had to eventually return to lab to continue the research work, with the same expectations, but with limited time at the lab. This continued for some time, until about a year later, the current PI forwarded me a letter from administration and expressed that I was not working enough, that I had to sign it and agree to the conditions, which entailed constant surveillance from administration, and basically become an indentured servant during the summer or else, suffer the consequences. This made me very angry, so much so that I felt I was chocking my self trying to restrain what I truly wanted to say. I took the paper, unsigned, and walked away. On my short walk, I felt as if my mind was about to explode, so I valiantly came back to my PI and just told them I would quit their lab, that I wouldn't submit myself to such abuse. For some reason, they reached out and hugged me, and I started to cry waterfalls. It was as if all the pain of being submitted to others came out. This was the last day I ever worked at a lab.

The program director allowed me to finish with a Masters degree. I tried looking for work shortly after, to no success. It's been more than a year since I graduated. I tried my luck with other career paths, even took the MCAT and applied to med school. Yet, I've been rejected by more than 15 different schools. I've been thinking of returning to science, but I'm afraid that I have burned all my bridges given my situation. I don't know what to do. I feel that I've never been able to live up to my potential.

[dimsum_johnson]

man where tf my admissions at

[The Penguin and Podiatrist]

I feel so sad about everything. I feel so burned out and stressed out from the pandemic and all that's happening in the world and in my personal life. It just all feels like too much sometimes. I am mad about capitalism and that a rich owning class owns everything and we have to sell our labour to them and if we don't then we die in the streets even though there's enough food and housing for everyone in the US and working 40 hours a week is ridiculous since most jobs can be done is less time than that. I am mad that in the US we've just all resigned ourselves to our rights being slowly stripped away and the racist policing system and trans people being under attack and people dying from lack of access to healthcare ... In other countries riot and protest in the streets and Americans we just kind of take it lying down. We need a general strike, but Americans just refuse to get involved. I've been a political organizer and getting people involved (even when fighting for their own person rights) is so hard, it's like pulling teeth. And I am scared for the people I love and for myself too. 

[Carly Rae Jepsen]

I really really wish fellowship decisions came out earlier than mid-May! It is so useful to know if you are relocating somewhere before the summer!

[The Penguin and Podiatrist]

I am teaching abroad and my plan was to only stay 2 years and apply for grad school in the autumn of my second year (coming up), but now I am not sure I want to return to the US. Now I am second guessing this choice. Maybe I should stay here as long as possible and build a life here for a bit. Applying for graduate school is so draining, too.  But I also would love to be a graduate student again (I loved it getting my masters). And also I kind of want to move on. I feel stagnated here. I feel in limbo. But also, I am happier here than in the US overall. Perhaps I would regret giving up my job here for an unknown life in grad school, in a field with few jobs, in a country that is falling apart and destroying people. But am a coward for being here? Perhaps I should be in the US helping vulnerable people fight back against cruel policies to strip people of their rights. But also do I want to be somewhere where I can legally be shot for ringing the wrong doorbell? 

I wish I could have the best of both worlds. The relative freedom and fulfilling nature of being a grad student with the financial stability, security, affordable housing, and access to excellent public transportation etc.. of my job now. I miss being able to speak my native language and not have to travel to a major city to find community. I miss being able to see my friends and family with relative ease. I just want the US to do better, but it's getting worse and worse. And knowing what it's like to live in countries with good public transportation, walkable beautiful cities that are affordable to live in, universal healthcare, etc.. it's so hard to go back to the US where all the walkable and beautiful cities are impossibly expensive to live in.

I could do grad school abroad, but the programs/applications work differently and funding doesn't seem as widely available in the countries I'd like to live in for international students/scholars. It's stressful trying to navigate the systems of other countries--- even other English speaking countries. And that would still not help with my feelings of wanting to be nearer to my loved ones. 

I feel like I don't really belong anywhere fully. That's the price of being able to travel, you leave parts of yourself in other places and no place ever feels quite right. But also the US just needs to suck less. 

[Carly Rae Jepsen]

Whoa I was not expecting this thread to be in such a state of, well, agonizing. 

I was hoping to find an outlet online to vent about the academic job market in the humanities--I've done some of it on Reddit but it is not...ideal. Anyways, as far as finding a job, I knew that it would be challenging from the get-go, and the relative scarcity I anticipated too. I think what upsets me most is the lack of transparency and time management skills from HR and, to a lesser extent, committees? I would appreciate if applicants were informed more frequently about decisions being made. I had a campus visit almost five weeks ago, and I have heard close to nothing from them! I was lucky to find one of the faculty at a conference who implied they went with another candidate, but clearly they must not have sealed the deal if I am still being kept in the dark! I think it would help a lot if at least other places reached out in the meantime but it seems that all due dates are in mid-March so I will not know anything until April, which is terrifying given that by then I will be very close to the defense. It is the chronology too that kills me.