I love my field, but can we talk about something else now?

[maelia8]

I like all of the people in my cohort and most of the people in my department, and we frequently go out for drinks after seminar or take our lunch break together. Most of these people are avid conversationalists, are eloquent, and are not prone to droning on or anything in that vein. 

 

That being said, a couple of them are absolutely incapable of making conversation about anything besides our field. And frankly, after spending a whole day talking about theory, methods, and research topics, I prefer my lunch break/dinner/happy hour to be filled with conversation about ANYTHING else: indie film, travel, sports, dreams for the future, relationships, tv shows, restaurants, cooking, recreational reading, gossip, pretty much anything but our field, because I feel like I'm going a little crazy if it's all I talk about all day every day (even my roommates are in my department, so that's all I talk about with them either).

 

Sometimes I try to change the topic to something unrelated and the others look at me confusedly, and once I even mentioned politely that I'd rather talk about something besides our work for a bit, but within minutes, the topic had switched back to something field-related.

 

Is this experience common? Do you prefer talking to people in your field exclusively about subjects within it, or would you rather save break time for other topics? I do have some friends outside of the department, of course, and talk with them about unrelated things when I have time

[ss2player]

Grad school tends to attract people like this, for better or worse. I mean, it's awesome we get paid to N3RD THE F%^K OUT about our field, but I agree some variety would be nice.

 

I've tried to make non-academia friends whom are more "normal" so I don't end up trapped in the bubble. MeetUp.com has really helped, as well as showing an interest in sports and shooting guns (I am in TX, after all).

 

What do people like to do in the Bay Area? Comedy shows, live music, hiking, biking? You're not going to be able to change your cohort, but maybe you can get your needs met elsewhere and segment them off a bit.

[TakeruK]

I agree with what ss2player said. Sometimes you just can't change people and it's healthy to have friends that are completely outside of academia. 

 

However, I'm definitely a type of person that will default to "safe" topics like classes or work or science when I can't think of good conversation to make! Even if I desperately want to be talking about something else. I found that in my first year, my default conversation topic was school because that's what I knew I had in common, but as time went on, I know my cohort a lot better and we have lots of conversations that are about our science as well as other common interests! But I find that when trying to talk to new students that I don't know as well, I tend to default back to "safe" topics.

 

So, one strategy might be to assume others are like you, wanting to change the topic, but like me, are not great at conversation and they don't know how. One thing that we did to help us avoid talking about work was to make it into a game, kind of. Like, when we are at lunch, or at dinner or getting drinks etc. we just make it a "rule" that we can't talk about work. And if someone slips and accidentally says something, the others jokingly and gently remind them. Eventually, it just becomes natural to find other topics, especially if the "forced topic change" opens up and reveal other common interests! 

 

Also, you could try to find other "safe" conversation topics that are not work related. e.g. "What did you do last weekend?" or "What are your weekend plans?" However this can backfire during stressful times since the answer might be "working!". But maybe you can think of other topics! And even if you are more skilled at conversation than me (i.e. you don't need "safe" topics), people like me appreciate when you start a conversation that way since that's how we can learn new, non-work related, "safe" topics.

[Sigaba]

Is this experience common?

@maelia8,

You are attending one of the top universities on the planet. You are in a department with a well earned reputation that is matched by a mere handful of others.

I very strongly recommend that you lean forward and learn all you can about your craft from these conversations. If you have the opportunity to share knowledge with your peers, do so.

If you want to change things up, bring up issues that are still related to the craft but present opportunities for playfulness.

However, under no circumstances do I think you should attempt to change the conversations. Those talks are arenas in which participants are sharpening their skills and building bonds of intellectual fellowship, if not also life long friendships.

It is not enough to love Klio. She will, sooner or later, break your heart. When that happens, it will be your skills as a historian that will get you through.

[Vene]

However, I'm definitely a type of person that will default to "safe" topics like classes or work or science when I can't think of good conversation to make! Even if I desperately want to be talking about something else. I found that in my first year, my default conversation topic was school because that's what I knew I had in common, but as time went on, I know my cohort a lot better and we have lots of conversations that are about our science as well as other common interests! But I find that when trying to talk to new students that I don't know as well, I tend to default back to "safe" topics.

I think that this is the major factor right there. Nobody in my program is going to get offended if I start talking about post-translational modification of proteins. They may get a bit more upset if I discussing national politics, even though I find them to be interesting and important.

[ProfLorax]

I have two sets of grad school friends: the circle that shares my academic interests (the rhetoric folks within a largely lit-focused department) and the circle that shares my life interests. This wasn't an intentional split, and there is some overlap. I love hanging out with my rhetoric peeps because we can bounce ideas off each other, and I get to learn so much from their expertise. But my cohort besties? They are the ones who share my values, hobbies, and sense of humor. It mostly happens in conversation, when someone says something like, "Last Friday at Nats Park," then I'd interrupt, "Oh! You like baseball?" Then, we'd make plans to go to a baseball game. BOOM. FRIENDSHIP ACHIEVED.

 

Also, it took me a year or so to locate and solidify the kinds of friendships you're craving. It will happen! Just listen in for cues that you have more in common than just grad school and make your move!*

 

*Also relevant: no one ever told me that making friends as an adult post-college would be like dating. It so is! Asking someone to hang out for the first time solo can be pretty nerve-wrecking. My strategy is to usually just joke about the awkwardness of making new friends because I have found it's something that most people can relate to!

[Eigen]

With a few of my closest friends from my cohort, we have a two work topics per person rule. 

 

Everyone needs to rant some about something from their day, their lab, etc. But the two topics helps keep it from getting out of hand. 

[ERR_Alpha]

My cohort and I always joke that we only talk about school because that's the only thing we have going on in our lives... Sad but true statement.

[GeoDUDE!]

The most interesting topics are talking about Kanye and getting ladies. Everyone has an opinion on those things. 

[juilletmercredi]

Yes, this is quite common...as others have said, doctoral programs tend to attract the kind of obsessive student who loves talking about their field and their work all day long.  It's one of the reasons that few of my close friends in graduate school were other doctoral students.  I only hung out with the ones who proved that they could talk about something other than the department/our field when we went out.

 

It also took me quite a while to make lasting friends who I enjoyed hanging with.  In the beginning I mostly hung with master's students, because our program was a professional master's program and the students were far less likely to debate the finer points of some esoteric scholarly topic I didn't want to talk about (when we did talk about our field, it was from a professional or policy standpoint, which I enjoyed because I didn't really want to be an academic).  After most of my master's friends graduated I actually made friends with a lot of people outside of my school entirely through other channels.  

[spellbanisher]

I totally get where you're coming from. So what's your position on Sonderweg? 

Edited November 22, 2014 by spellbanisher

[WriteAndKnit]

I have non-cohort veteran friends, as well as cohort friends. It helps to have a balance, since the non-cohort friends care absolutely zip about rhetcomp. They're my trivia group, too -- it's good to have a writing/lit person for the "works of literature" rounds. (Even if I DO know Springsteen better than Jane Austen.) 

 

Of course, my cohort friends understand the specific papers and projects and literature works and authors, so if I *want* to talk about how The Waste Land is awesome, I can -- though there's no guarantee that won't become a discussion of either modernist poets or poets/writers who write under the influence. Or apocalyptic books/movies/poems.