I think my advisor hates me

[ELM616]

Seriously I don't know if I did something or said something to piss him off, but he obviously doesn't like hearing me speak.

In our weekly meetings he is all jokes and smiles with the other three grad students. But with me he's all stern and makes this face like he wishes I would just die.

So I asked him how I was doing. Here is how it went.

ME: "So, how am I doing?"
HIM: "Good, you're doing just fine."
ME: Oh ok....
[Awkward pause]
ME: "I ask because its hard for me to read you sometimes and it seems like you're upset with me."
HIM: "No, you'll know if I'm ever upset with you."
ME: [awkward chuckle] "OK, thought I should ask. Well thank you. Have a nice day."

So maybe I should just let it go. There's no reason why we need to be friends and apparently I'm doing just fine. But seriously WTF? Why the attitude?

Maybe he thinks I should be doing better than "Good, you're doing just fine" and he's trying to be stern so I'll work harder?

Maybe its because our football team sucks and he is a big fan? What do you guys think, should I just let it go and ignore it?

[TMP]

Honestly, if you're early in your program, don't worry too much.  You just need to keep working at proving yourself and becoming a colleague.  It may be that you have yet to reach your candidacy exams when your world will change.

 

You just may not have hit the "sweet' spot for good rapport yet.  Time will come as you two get more comfortable with each other.

[mini monkey]

I recommend giving it some time. I was constantly second-guessing myself when I first started, and things were a little awkward between my advisor and I because I'm socially awkward! There were lots of awkward jokes and pauses. But now, after meeting with him once a week for my research project and seeing him 5 days a week almost for classes, everything's great. Show your advisor what kind of research you're capable of! It wasn't until I really started talking about my research and producing results where things started to become more comfortable. 

 

It's just going to take time to get used to this arrangement for the both of you! Don't feel too bad just yet. 

[fuzzylogician]

As TMP says, it's possible, especially since it's early in the relationship, that you just haven't fully adjusted to working together yet but things will improve. Some people are socially awkward and it just takes time to get to know each other and become comfortable. 

 

However, this is not fun to hear, but we are all people. Both students and advisors. As people, there are other people who we get along with more and others who we get along with less. It's possible that your advisor likes you less or gets along with you less as a person than some of his other advisees, and I don't think there is too much that he can about that. As long as he is doing a good job advising you, he is doing his job. It may not be possible for him to 'like' you more as a person, and that's not required by the job, either. If it doesn't improve and it does bother you (it would bother me!) then I think there are just two options. Either you find someone else who you get along with better and you switch advisors, or you value his advising too much and you stay despite the personal uncomfortableness. If you do, I'd urge you to seek out a second mentor who you do get along with. I think it'll make your life a lot better. 

[fuzzylogician]

Female Science Professor asked this question in her blog a long time ago, and some of the comments are interesting: 

http://science-professor.blogspot.com/2012/02/on-importance-of-liking.html

[ELM616]

Thanks everyone for the comments. I guess for now I'll just keep my mouth shut, head down and work my ass off. 

 

It is early in our relationship. In my program first year students take all of their coursework in Economics dept even though our assistantship and offices are located in a different dept on the opposite side of campus. At the end of the first year, we take an insanely high pressure written qualifying exam in the economics dept. If we pass, we advance to the 2nd year and start taking more courses in our home dept. So even though its the start of my second year, I really haven't spent a lot of time with my advisor, and he is just now giving me significant research assignments.

 

You all are probably right. Hopefully things will smooth out. I do not want to switch advisors, that seems like it would be dicey. Plus he has some really interesting research projects, which could be a huge opportunity for me. 

[Taeyers]

I kind of had the same impression as fuzzy, at least in part because I can think of similar situations with my past students. I say "almost" because I'm sure I've never been particularly stern with or made a "face" at them, but there were a handful that I connected with more, and as a result I would chat and joke with them during the long lab periods. Meanwhile I liked my other students just fine, but if there was no interpersonal connection, I wouldn't end up behaving the same way toward them. I really hope I didn't make any of them feel badly about that, and from evaluations I know 100% of them found me "approachable and friendly", but I think it's just a fact of life as a human that some people will like you more than others. 

 

Your advisor's feelings could be a more extreme version of that. It's entirely possible that there's no interpersonal connection, hence the unpleasant attitude, but you're a perfectly capable student and have nothing to worry about as far as your degree progress. If that's the case try to look on the bright side: you will never be in a position where you're taken advantage of because of your chummy relationship. There are some very positive aspects to keeping things strictly professional, even if it's not all that fun sometimes. I've had my arm twisted by friendship with a boss, and it's not cool. 

 

Personally, I'm pretty sure the head of my department really finds me to be not his cup of tea. He cut my grad program interview significantly short, and I've gotten a great deal of "I wish you would die" facial expressions from him. Two things I've come to learn:

1) I was still the committee's top choice for admission out of all the applicants

2) He makes that face at many people outside his lab and a couple in his lab. It's just his version of the "resting bitch face". 

And now, after knowing the man for two years, he actually forces his version of a smile and greets me by name when he sees me. Give it time

[JD2PHD]

Are the other students in the meetings further along the program than you? If so, seems like just a case of your advisor already having a rapport with them and you are the "new" person who has to fit in. Give it time.

[ELM616]

Are the other students in the meetings further along the program than you? If so, seems like just a case of your advisor already having a rapport with them and you are the "new" person who has to fit in. Give it time.

 

No actually I'm the most senior student of his. I'm a second year PhD. There is one first year PhD and the two others are first year MS students. That's why I was initially thinking that he is just babying them.

 

It hasn't always been like this. During my first year, even though I didn't see him that much he was always really pleasant around me. It may be a case of me trying too hard and thus not really being myself around him. I don't know. Its probably best that I just stop focusing on it and let the relationship just take its course.

[Karajan]

I feel like my advisor hates me most of the time -- He has a really odd personality.  

 

I think if we had a virtual show of hands as to how many of us feel like this sometimes, most people would raise their hands. 

 

*Raises hand* 

[ELM616]

 

Personally, I'm pretty sure the head of my department really finds me to be not his cup of tea. He cut my grad program interview significantly short, and I've gotten a great deal of "I wish you would die" facial expressions from him. Two things I've come to learn:

1) I was still the committee's top choice for admission out of all the applicants

2) He makes that face at many people outside his lab and a couple in his lab. It's just his version of the "resting bitch face". 

And now, after knowing the man for two years, he actually forces his version of a smile and greets me by name when he sees me. Give it time

 

 

I feel like my advisor hates me most of the time -- He has a really odd personality.  

 

I think if we had a virtual show of hands as to how many of us feel like this sometimes, most people would raise their hands. 

 

*Raises hand* 

 

 

Hahaha thanks! These two comments made me feel a lot better.

[ilovelab]

I thought my old PI in undergrad didn't like me at all. It wasn't till I had  an awesome lab presentation on the work I had done for the previous 3 months he changed completely. He apparently would appear to be cold/indifferent b/c he wanted you to prove yourself in lab. Super weird but it was awesome afterward.

[docjourney]

OMG Thank you!

 

I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one that freaks out like this! I'm always so worried about whether I said the right thing OR did the right thing. After EVERY meeting, I just can't stop thinking about how it went and if it went well. OMG Thank you!

[BeatrizBear]

For my MA, I had an adviser who was in charge of all the MA students in my program and I had a professor who was the director of my thesis. With the director we got along super well to the point where we told each other personal things. With the MA adviser, he seemed really off-putting. I remember once I was explaining something to him that I was really passionate about so I was gesturing a lot and looking really excited and he just stared at me and told me to calm down. It was incredibly hurtful and totally ruined my self confidence with him. After speaking to other students I realized that he had no social skills. It still hurt me when he said things, but I took them much less personally because this man apparently did not know how to be friendly with students. Some people just have a type of personality that won't match well with yours and you won't have the kind of relationship where you feel that person is your buddy. Don't take it too hard.

Edited February 21, 2015 by BeatrizBear

[ELM616]

Update:

 

Not sure exactly what happened but my advisor has done a 180. He is friendly, encouraging, smiles a lot now, and overall the relationship is good. This change coincided with my completion of a big project I had been working on as part of my RA duties. He did tell me that I did a really good job and that my work was being shared with others in the department and being utilized in various models.So I guess my successful completion of the project and job well done is what turned things around.

 

Not sure why he was so tense about it before though. Maybe he was receiving pressure from people above his pay-grade that I wasn't aware of, or any number of things. It is just kind of funny though, because I didn't change anything about my attitude or approach with him. I just kept working my arse off and I guess that was the right thing to do. Either way I'm glad things have turned around!

[Humulus_lupulus]

That's good! It's taken me a while to develop a rapport with one of my advisors this year. I had him for two classes last semester, and while going to office hours was super helpful with him, I sometimes felt utterly stupid and unworthy of even being in grad school. I think I had a lot of proving myself to do, switching from life sciences to engineering. Now, though, I've found what makes him tick (talking up his classes and relating them to my research) so he's been really cool with all of that. He's also invited me and his other advisees to his house for Thanksgiving and has done a couple of other small personal favors for me as I am not geographically close to family/friends.

 

It takes time, I suppose, and taking initiative, playing to their interests, and working hard tends to really be the key to building rapport. Good for you for not giving up!