Living alone or with roommate

[juilletmercredi]

When I was in graduate school, I lived with a roommate.  The city I moved to precluded living alone, as it was too expensive; however, I think I would still have chosen to live with a roommate even in a cheaper place.

 

Graduate school can be really isolating, but having a roommate takes away some of that loneliness and isolation.  For me, I just needed a roommate I felt comfortable and friendly with, but also a personal space I could retreat to (i.e., I couldn't share a bedroom - just an apartment).  The apartment also needs to be sufficiently large to satisfy the number of people living there.

 

You can find roommates of all stripes - I would have been delighted to live with someone with two small dogs, and would've helped walk and feed them as well as taken care of them while you were away if you needed.  (I love dogs, but I didn't get one personally until after I finished my PhD.)  Some roommates are also more understanding than others when it comes to dating and having partners over; one of my former roommates was in a long-term long-distance relationship just like I was, so we were both very accommodating when it came to partners coming over and staying because we'd both "been there".  And all of my roommates from graduate school are still good friends of mine.

 

I gotta say, though - I live alone now during my postdoc, and it's pretty glorious.  I can do whatever I want whenever I want.  I'm pretty clean as a person, but I can leave dishes in the sink overnight, walk around with no clothes on, arrange everything in every room the way I want...it's great!  Of course, it's great for the particular point in life that I am currently in; my postdoc is fairly regular hours so I can go out after 5 with friends and such, and it's not quite as isolating as the intense experience of graduate school.

[Tall Chai Latte]

It's a personal choice. For me, the benefit of living alone outweighs rooming with someone. I also have two cats, with family visiting from time to time, thus having a place of my own is a much better option. It is more expensive, but my stipend is not that big anyway to make a difference in the amount of money I could save each month. 

[music]

I live alone. I think the benefits of being able to sleep/eat/shower/study when I need to, without having to be considerate of someone else's potentially differing schedule, or relying on a roommate to be respectful of my needs, outweigh the somewhat inevitable loneliness. I like being able to act like a disgrace (eating out of saucepans, not getting dressed all day, having obscenely long baths, naked dancing in the living room etc) without feeling guilty.

 

It's great when my partner visits to have my own space. I think having a roommate would be a real downer on the relationship thing and make visits less comfortable. I feel like in the past, that has been a real issue for both myself and others who have roomed with me - there's not really a good way to make excuses for sex noises.

 

I would say that if you plan to live alone, be really proactive about socialising. It's hard enough to justify that time for most students, but living alone makes it very easy to make excuses and stay home with your books.

[doyouevenchop]

I'm also curious about this. Probably planning on living on my own for the first 6/12 months of grad school until I get to know some people. Of course, depends on where I end up.

 

I've had pretty good-to-great experiences with roommates throughout my undergrad. I'm pretty social though, so having a group of people that I can interact with (or not) is really nice. So far, both sets of roommates I've had have been very laid back, and we were all friends before rooming together. It's also nice because I've only ever roomed with people outside of my major, so it gives you access to lots of new people to meet and interact with.

 

Making friends is one of my biggest fears for grad school. I have no problem making friends, but it seems like a lot of people that I'll be around (looking at you, chemistry majors) are not always the most social type, especially the ones that choose to go to grad school.

 

What kind of experiences have you guys had in social interactions/meeting people once you started grad school?

[ion_exchanger]

As a person who is a pretty big introvert, it has been surprisingly easy for me to make friends in grad school. My cohort is 5 people, all around the same age, and we are all really different, however we all are pretty comfortable and hung out and talked quite a bit during the first year of school. They also aren't extreme social butterflies however we bonded over all the classes and ridiculousness that was grad school. We studied together since we were all taking the same classes. Also, since a lot of the biomedical programs share the same core classes, you meet people outside of your immediate program, and it's the same way. You meet nice people in your lab, who know nice people in other labs, and it becomes a big meet and greet. I thought that grad school was full of more introverts like myself, but I have come across a lot of really nice extroverts who know how to comfortably pull you out of your shell. Also grad school has a lot of forced social interactions built in, so there really isn't a choice haha.

[rising_star]

The social interaction/meeting people thing really depends on your program. The incoming cohorts in both my MA and PhD programs were about the same size (13-16/year) but the social interactions varied widely. In my MA program, most of us were new to town so we did a lot of exploring the area kinds of things (hiking trip, camping trip, going out to bars and restaurants, going to concerts/shows) that everyone was invited to and about half the people would show up for. We also took a required course together, which helped us bond as well. In my PhD program, only a couple of us were new to the area and everyone else already had partners, friends, etc. established before they began. So, it was harder for those that moved to make friends and connections, though we did connect with one another as the "outsiders". When folks would try to arrange for people to go out for drinks or dinner after required courses, hardly anyone would come. I ended up making great friends in my PhD program but most of them were from outside my cohort and outside my department. Obviously, that took longer to work out but I ended up making some awesome friends by pursuing and getting super involved in a new hobby, which also was great because none of those people ever tried to talk about work.

[shadowclaw]

Making friends is one of my biggest fears for grad school. I have no problem making friends, but it seems like a lot of people that I'll be around (looking at you, chemistry majors) are not always the most social type, especially the ones that choose to go to grad school.

 

What kind of experiences have you guys had in social interactions/meeting people once you started grad school?

 

My graduate program is pretty small (since it's a masters program only), and many of our courses are mixed with undergrads. However, I've found that there have been many opportunities to meet and get to know other grad students through our coursework. A few of our ecology-oriented courses have fieldtrip components, which provided lots of time to chat with other students, especially in the evening when our fieldwork was done. For one of our more difficult courses that was taught using the Socratic method, a lot of students would come to the classroom a few hours beforehand to look over notes and reading assignments, as well as pose questions to other students. A lot of bonding occurred during that course.

 

This year, we got a lot of new students, so we decided to try to actually plan events, with some success. We had a BBQ at the graduate coordinator's house on a Friday night towards the beginning of the semester, and we got most of the students to attend (I think only 2 couldn't make it). We planned another outing to just go to dinner, but it ended up just being a few of us. It was fun, though. Sometimes if we happen to cross paths around lunch or dinner time on campus, we'll eat together, too. One of my committee members also takes her lab members out to lunch and dinner sometimes, too, and she'll look around for any grad students that look hungry and invite them, too.

 

I also agree with ion_exchanger in that you'll find some extroverted people that do a good job of pulling you out of your introverted shell. Truthfully, though, grad school has been a bit transformative. It really started in my senior year of undergrad and continued as I progressed through grad school, but I have gone from being very shy and avoidant to somewhat social. I'm still quite the introvert, but I can function in social situations and sometimes I have rather extroverted days.

[Guest]

I lived all four of my undergraduate years alone off-campus. No regrets.If I go to graduate school, I will be 23. I might try to opt for the roommate option. But, an apartment with separate rooms and separate bathrooms for sure.

[nightfarmer]

The pros of roommates: cheaper (esp. if looking to live in a cool or nearby neighborhood), people may be around for the rare occasion you really need to talk to someone whether or not you're friends with them (but they may not, then you're still upset and alone)

 

The pros of alone: get up when you want, shower when you want, study when you want, drink beer and listen to music when you want, have people over when you want, go to sleep when you want, no quibbles over air temperature or dishes, have furniture you actually like, put up wall decorations you actually like, nobody 'noticing' how much or little you're drinking/smoking, have fun times with significant other without worrying about noise, don't have to listen to roommate'+significant other's fun times

 

you get the idea. of course, i have lived with close friends, and that is really great because you regularly have your friends around. but that was an undergrad phenomenon that will probably never happen again. so, if it wasn't obvious from the above lists, i much prefer living alone. some people above wrote that if you're sick your roommates can bring you stuff? i would never ask my roommates to do anything like that, but that's just me

[tspier2]

I commuted the entire time I was doing my undergraduate studies, so this was the first time I actually moved out. Seeing as I wanted to experience that independence, I didn't get a roommate. In fact, I'm extremely satisfied with my decision. I'm obviously paying more in rent than I would if I had someone else here; however, I'd have to concern myself with the impact of my existence on someone else. I like doing what I want to do and when I want to do it.

[lickcakes]

I wish I could afford to live alone - I'm the type that needs to not talk to any humans once I leave school.

 

That being said, I'm glad I moved into a room with roommates at first. Everyone in the house was a transplant, and that helped me as far as understanding the adjustments of living in the town.

 

Like everyone said, don't even worry about the possibility of not making friends.

 

Also, here's a tip: if you end up needing to look for roommates, try to live with the most educated people you can. Freshman won't usually understand why you are spending so much time with school when you could be drinking. My best roommate I ever had did his Master's at the school I went to, and that's no coincidence. However, assholes exist at every level of education.

[maelia8]

@lickcakes unfortunately, more educated roommates does not mean cleaner, tidier roommates or ones with less weird tics (I have learned this from a LOT of experience). There may be less drinking and partying, but you could still end up with neurotic people and/or covered in filth. In my experience, the most important factors in choosing roommates are similar ideas about cleanliness/tidiness, similar ideas about noise and guests, and a willingness to compromise on cooking and showering schedules. If you're compatible in those three ways, you've struck gold.

[Crucial BBQ]

 

 

Also, whats to worry about when you have a roomate? He/She just recognizes the bro code and stays in his room, or you just stay in yours. Everything fun happens in the bedroom anyway =D (like mario kart).

Eh, my roommate stories range from the totally hilarious to the absolutely insane.  For what it is worth, and call it agism if you like, I will never live with another early 20-something again.  When you get to my age you will know exactly what I am talking about 

 

I lived alone for awhile, but I lucked out in that I made friends with my neighbors (who went to the same school). On a few nights out of the week, either they or I would cook and we'd all have dinner together. It was nice because at the end of it all I had my own place to go back to, and it was only a few steps away.

So perhaps there are particular apartment complexes that many students in your future department live in, and something similar could work for you. The advantage of this situation is that it's as social as you want it to be, but you can always hermit up if you want time alone.

 

I've lived with friends from school, but this was only difficult because we had similar schedules. There were passive-aggressive attempts to steal the bathroom in the morning -- on one occasion, the bathroom door was shut and I could hear the shower running inside...but my roommate was in the kitchen, trying to prevent me from taking the shower so that she could shower when she wanted to.

 

The first time I lived on my own, my roommate became psychotic and was diagnosed with schizophrenia 1 month after moving in. He turned all of the furniture in the house upside-down and started screaming from underneath the upside-down couch at 2am. His parents took him back to their house and I had to pay rent alone while I found a new roommate. I doubt that this is a common problem, but I would make sure that your potential roommate is stable and reliable (kinda goes without saying, but I learned it the hard way).

I had a roommate who was schizophrenic.  I knew him prior to his moving in and it was not something that he kept a secret.  As long as he was taking his meds he was fairly normal --to the point where it seemed as if his schizophrenia itself was made up-- but when he was off meds things got weird, fast.  One time his prescription ran out and he just disappeared.  He called a few months later to let everyone know he was okay.  Turns out that he got on a Greyhound and went to some random State for who knows what reason.  

 

He did have some paranoias, but nothing extreme.  For example, he just knew that people were teasing him, even though nobody was. Sometimes he would claim that people were taking advantage of him even though they weren't, but that was about as extreme as things would get while he was on meds.  Otherwise he seemed to have a good grasp on what was going on inside his head, what was real and what was not, able to work a normal job and so on (he once said that instead of having a psychotic episode, because of the medication he got a ringing in his ears instead). 

 

I am currently working on my MS and living with family. I am in the middle of applying to PhD programs and have been thinking about whether I prefer to live alone or with a roommate throughout my PhD. I realize that my ability to live alone will depend on the cost of living of the area I move to and isnt guaranteed. Assuming I move to St Louis or somewhere on the cheaper end though, what are you guys thoughts?

 

I am a bit nervous to live with a roommate since I will be bring my 2 small dogs with me and also want the ability to date without worrying about dating with a roommate. The negative to living alone though would be potential loneliness. I like being around other people and could definitely see myself getting lonely if I spend night after night in my apartment. This might be solved by putting effort into meeting up with people for study groups and being social. Do any of you live alone and if so, do you like it?

I lived alone for a year.  The first few days were lonely and strange.  I mean, it was quiet.  You get used to the background noise and for the first time I did not hear the faucet running, toilets flushing, someone watching TV in another room, opening/closing of the fridge, and so on.  By the end of the second week I absolutely loved it.  I realized there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.   

 

You also get to have things how you want:  decorating, furniture arrangement, and the like.  There are no arguments over who drank your beer or passive-aggressive notes left to remind "you" not to eat their food, even if it were they who ate it while they were drunk from drinking your beer.  

Edited February 5, 2015 by Crucial BBQ

[thr0waway]

It's better to live alone if you can, so you can let parents/significant others/other people stay over without having to bother your roommate, and besides there's more space in the fridge, and you can play whatever music you want all the time.

[juiceboxrampage]

I live in a huge co-op and I love it. I can't imagine living alone now. It's kind of hectic at first, but I love being able to have privacy and alone time in my room if I want, or I can just walk into my living room if I want to hang out. There's always someone around if I want someone to study with, someone to eat with, someone to talk to, whatever. I am actually an extremely quiet and reserved person, but I love having so many roommates. We learn to have alone time together, you know? Plus I live in a very active and political house, which really inspires me and pushes me to be a better person.

[insaneinthemembrane]

Does anyone think that having the ability to live alone should factor into a grad school decision? I've been thinking alot about wanting to have my own space after a long day in the lab and classes but it's not realistic in some places. I've been giving other schools where I can afford to live on my own slightly more weight but it feels strange to not make a decision based purely on the quality of research happening at the institution. 

[ss2player]

Does anyone think that having the ability to live alone should factor into a grad school decision? I've been thinking a lot about wanting to have my own space after a long day in the lab and classes but it's not realistic in some places. I've been giving other schools where I can afford to live on my own slightly more weight but it feels strange to not make a decision based purely on the quality of research happening at the institution. 

 

I don't see anything wrong with factoring it in, quality of life will affect your grad school performance! Research fit is important, but there's no reason it also can't be a place you'd enjoy living. If there's several profs you could work with and the school has a good reputation, I'd lean towards the places with lower cost of living.

[CoolZero]

Lots of good stuff here

Although, I have a question which I didn't quite got the answer from the posts here. I have never lived alone and I kinda think that I am kind of a person who would enjoy living alone more than living with other people but being an international student I think having someone as a roommate wont hurt at all.

The most important question regarding this matter is that, if I end up deciding to live alone, is there anything I would miss on? because I think in a few years, I would totally want to be alone and these years are my last chances to experience having a roommate.

[juiceboxrampage]

Lots of good stuff here

Although, I have a question which I didn't quite got the answer from the posts here. I have never lived alone and I kinda think that I am kind of a person who would enjoy living alone more than living with other people but being an international student I think having someone as a roommate wont hurt at all.

The most important question regarding this matter is that, if I end up deciding to live alone, is there anything I would miss on? because I think in a few years, I would totally want to be alone and these years are my last chances to experience having a roommate.

I mean, there's pros and cons to both situations. I think one thing you might "miss out on" is the learning experiences from having roommates. I've found that having roommates has helped me with learning how to compromise, how to deal with shitty people, how to communicate effectively, and how to set boundaries. It was a lot easier for me to start living with my partner, because I had already figured out how to live with other people, so we weren't fighting about stupid little things like most people do when they first have to live with someone else. I also feel like I've had a lot of those cheesy, fun moments that I can look back on when I'm older.

Whatever you decide doesn't have to be permanent, either. You can move in with someone for a semester or two, then get your own place if you don't like it (or vice versa).

[CoolZero]

I mean, there's pros and cons to both situations. I think one thing you might "miss out on" is the learning experiences from having roommates. I've found that having roommates has helped me with learning how to compromise, how to deal with shitty people, how to communicate effectively, and how to set boundaries. It was a lot easier for me to start living with my partner, because I had already figured out how to live with other people, so we weren't fighting about stupid little things like most people do when they first have to live with someone else. I also feel like I've had a lot of those cheesy, fun moments that I can look back on when I'm older.

Whatever you decide doesn't have to be permanent, either. You can move in with someone for a semester or two, then get your own place if you don't like it (or vice versa).

That makes lots of sense, thank you very much

[music]

Does anyone think that having the ability to live alone should factor into a grad school decision? I've been thinking alot about wanting to have my own space after a long day in the lab and classes but it's not realistic in some places. I've been giving other schools where I can afford to live on my own slightly more weight but it feels strange to not make a decision based purely on the quality of research happening at the institution. 

Your research will surely be affected somewhat by the quality of your living situation. If you have roommates keeping you up late/waking you early, time taken up with dealing with house situations (no matter how dumb they seem - I spent a year living with someone who would run into the bathroom for their hour-long morning routine the second I got back from the gym and needed to shower before working, without fail, which wasted hours of my time), or a general low mood, that is likely to have a negative impact upon productivity. Quality of life was a high priority when I decided where to apply and I am really glad I made the decision that I did, ie, turning down NYU because I didn't want to commute or have no option but to live with roommates, which may or may not have turned out to be ok. You do you! If this is something which is instinctively important to you, then stick with your guns.

[Pitangus]

Your research will surely be affected somewhat by the quality of your living situation. If you have roommates keeping you up late/waking you early, time taken up with dealing with house situations (no matter how dumb they seem - I spent a year living with someone who would run into the bathroom for their hour-long morning routine the second I got back from the gym and needed to shower before working, without fail, which wasted hours of my time), or a general low mood, that is likely to have a negative impact upon productivity. Quality of life was a high priority when I decided where to apply and I am really glad I made the decision that I did, ie, turning down NYU because I didn't want to commute or have no option but to live with roommates, which may or may not have turned out to be ok. You do you! If this is something which is instinctively important to you, then stick with your guns.

 

I honestly would not have moved somewhere that required living with roommates year-round. I have to share accommodations with people in the summer at my field site, and I deal with it by reminding myself that it is temporary and a common occurrence in field research. Living with people and worrying about inconveniencing them is stressful for me, and having my own space where I can be alone is pretty much my one requirement for happiness, so cost-of-living factored into where I applied for grad school.