Non-grad school friends

[Jenmm]

Hey everyone,

I'm new to this community and I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with a situation that is stressing me out.  I am in the process of writing my thesis and I'm set to defend in the beginning of April.  Obviously, the amount of free time I have right now is severely limited.  Almost everyone in my life has been super supportive of my preoccupation. Except for one of my best friends that is.  I have only been able to make social plans about once a months since January, and when I do make plans, I want to spend time with more than just her because all my friends are important to me. Not to mention my significant other who has put up with me all this time.  All of a sudden this friend unloads on me because apparently me not making time for 'just her' makes me a selfish b**** that doesn't think our relationship is important. This friend is not in grad school, although she is applying to med-school, and works a normal desk job. My problem is, now I'm having so many problems focusing on writing and I don't know how to resolve this situation with her so I can sleep at night....maybe sleep anyway.  There is very little info out there on how people in a similar situation have dealt with it and I would love to know if any of you have handled something like this. My anxiety levels are through the freaking roof right now. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

[St Andrews Lynx]

Personally, I'd deal with this by not dealing with it...at least right now. 

Your friend is upset. You are upset and rather stressed. Even if you apologise to her, you still have several more months where writing is your priority and will be taking up most of your time. 

I'd send her a short message saying (i) you are sorry that she's unhappy (ii) you appreciate her as a friend and know that you've not been able to give her your full attention (iii) right now you need to focus on thesis writing until April and it is detracting from ALL your friendships, not just hers (iv) how about we do something nice/fun together in April once you have finished with the crazy thesis stuff? 

If she isn't conciliatory after your response...don't waste more time and energy on it. Focus on quality time with your supportive friends (if any of them can try and gently explain to BF about grad school stresses & time commitments it might be better than you getting sucked in). It might be that your friendship has run its course, or you have grown apart with your different life experiences...but you can deal with that after the thesis.  

[juilletmercredi]

I understand both sides of this dispute: you're frustrated because you feel like your friend doesn't understand your work and she's frustrated because she feels like you don't make time for her.

I remember writing my dissertation and being in the last few months of it. It's a stressful time, and you can be really busy especially if you have an ambitious timeline. Your socialization time will be limited, and good friends will understand that this is an unusual period in your life. And in the last couple weeks before the defense I think it's perfectly acceptable to sort of shut out the world and work work work.

But if we're talking about months and months of time in which your friend feels neglected...well, it kind of depends on whether your friend is dramatizing it or whether you really haven't been spending that much time, but I'd at least give it a thought. Only socializing once a month for three straight months sounds a bit unhealthy. From her perspective, she never gets to spend any quality one-on-one time with you, which is one of the things that strengthens a close friendship - you only get to socialize once a month and you're throwing all of your friends together so you can just get face time with all of them in at the same time. That doesn't really allow you to develop individual relationships. And no, she's not in graduate school, so she doesn't understand your position - but everyone has had stressful times or lots of work before that allows them to relate at least somewhat.

Have you considered discussing this with this friend in this way? Explaining to her that you're really swamped and you need for her to understand that, but that you also understand her point of view? What if you guys make a standing appointment at a different time each month - maybe 30-60 minutes to grab coffee or lunch together once a month, something you can both look forward to. One of the things that made my dissertation period really good is that I made time for myself, including time to hang with my friends and de-stress. If you're working on your dissertation 97% of the time, you're going to burn out.

[Mommy2boox2]

Hi there! This sounds a LOT like what my experience getting married & having children has been like. There were most definitely friends who disappeared or squeaked when I/we couldn't or wouldn't be available to their liking. Those people tended to weed themselves out eventually and I don't feel bad about it in retrospect--but I sure did at the time. In the end, it was a blessing in disguise because it opened doors for new, very understanding and supportive friends to enter. The kind where you don't see each other for 6 months and then getting together is just like no time has passed and you pick up where you left off. And maybe you only have 3 of them, but the complete and total lack of drama is priceless. There's so much drama to regular adult life anyway, it shouldn't come from those who love you the most. 

You have clear obligations right now and a real friend will understand. (Gosh, I'm sounding really harsh today!  )Eventually, regardless if it's med school, a new job, family or ??? she will find herself in a similar spot eventually. On the off-chance that she doesn't understand what really happens when someone writes a thesis, perhaps one coffee and a hashing out of things might make sense.Then at least you will be on the same informational playing field. I have no tolerance for name calling, so if she is calling you the b-word, that's just not okay.

I'm starting graduate school this fall after many years not in school to go live life. I've got to say how nice it is to not have to worry about if my friends will understand the new time constraints. My advice: Let this one go. If her friendship was meant to be, she'll come back around. 

Best wishes!

 

 

[Eigen]

I'll be honest, I've been on both sides of this as well, and I'm generally of the opinion that you make time for the people that are really important to you. 

When my closest friend was writing up and went through a six week period of not having time to do anything (and I mean even take 15 minutes to grab coffee), not answering phone calls, and only rarely responding to texts or emails, I told him that he was being a crappy friend. I was making the time to be there for him (and had for the last 6 years), and he wasn't able to do the same for me. It got through to him, we talked, and we've both considered it a turning point in our relationship. We're across the US from each other now, but we still make time to Skype and drink a beer weekly, no matter how busy our week has been. 

It's a lesson I remembered when I wrote my dissertation- I was in a time crunch, and needed to write a lot in very little time, but it wasn't worth neglecting my marriage, my family, or my friends during that period. I have undergraduates that still need mentoring, and friends that, well, still need a friend when they're having problems in their life and someone to talk to. 

There will always be busy times in your life, but going through a multi-month period where you don't have any time to spend 1 on 1 with your closest friend isn't healthy, either for you or for them. To be honest, your writing will go better if you don't do it for 18 hours straight a day either. Take breaks, use those breaks to take care of the other things in your life. 

The next step of your career isn't suddenly going to make you have more time- things will likely continue to get busier and busier. By setting a schedule *now* that lets you keep your priorities in check, it will benefit you moving forward as well. 

Now, as Juliet said- if your friend is exaggerating, you may already be putting enough priority on her. Or maybe she really isn't as high in your priorities as you (or she) think she is, and it's a good time to re-evaluate that.

[rising_star]

On 4/4/2016 at 10:25 PM, Eigen said:

I'll be honest, I've been on both sides of this as well, and I'm generally of the opinion that you make time for the people that are really important to you. 

THIS! I make time for my friends because we are all busy, whether it's grad school, having young kids, having a demanding job, etc. But, it's also up to you to figure out what the frequency of conversation/interaction in that friendship needs to be. I have friends I only talk to on the phone once every few months and others who I email almost every day (though often the emails are very short). It varies based on our friendship. What I've found is that, most of the time, I don't need to talk to my friends every single week the way we did when we lived in the same place. YMMV, obviously.

[janetjanejune]

Great advice here already.

A friend in grad school told our friend group contact would be limited in the next few weeks. Nothing personal, he has a lot going on with school/work. We understood, wished him well, and are waiting for him to go back to normal. Another friend is missing my birthday because work is increasing, out of the country family is in town, and she got a new dog.

We're adults. We're no longer in high school or undergrad. Your friend should understand that. However, one friend is in grad school, full-time job, internship, and married and we phone call almost everyday. Making time for her and just her is possible. See what time and communication y'all need. Text, phone call, lunch. Now's a great time to evaluate the friendship.

Good luck.