St Andrews Lynx

For me at least, the point where I *knew* where I wanted to study came after I'd visited a selection of universities. After I'd physically seen the campus, chatted to faculty I was interested in for 5-10 mins and met some of the students I could make my mind up, and the decision wasn't that difficult. My first filter was general location - I decided to apply to universities on the Eastern Seaboard of the USA. I prefer big cities to rural areas, so I filtered it down a bit more. Then I thought about my research interests, the PIs I'd like to work for and the universities with a decent reputation in that field. I applied to a range of schools, not just focussing on the elite ones. There's no point in trying to find the "perfect" university simply by Google searches or browsing official school websites. Yes, you don't know if you will be happy at University X - apply there anyway. Then if you're accepted you can visit and find out.

It might be an idea to try using your university's counselling services - they can give you confidential advice and help you work through the problem. If it is an issue with harrassment, bullying or other "cold/hostile work environment" scenarios, then there are university ombudsmen with whom you can officially report the incident(s) and create a paper trail. There are two aspects to personal problems that you can control: (i) how you respond during the "generation" stage of a personal problem (ii) how you respond in the aftermath. Sometimes there's nothing you can do to prevent a problem from occurring (e.g., working in the same lab as a bully), but you can control the aftermath of any problem - how much you let the problem affect you, whether you try to resolve an argument or just let it go. Problems tend to repeat themselves throughout your life (there's more than one bullying jerk in the world), so I would encourage you to look at ways of dealing with the personal problem you have, instead of trying to run away from it. Even if you successfully transfer universities, you will still probably have to repeat some coursework, qualifying exams, etc. (At my school you need to complete x amount of coursework credits before you can transfer any from your previous school, which usually means you need to take a full 2 semesters of coursework, regardless of what you've already got). The publications you're working on now almost certainly wouldn't count towards your final thesis at your second school - unless you joined the group of a collaborator. It's going to come down to balancing the gains vs. loss if you decide to attempt a transfer. You'll lose a great advisor (those things are rare, believe me), a productive thesis project, and a lot of the PhD coursework/bureaucratic goals that you've already completed. The risk is that you'll end up with an advisor who is a worse fit, on a project that stalls or doesn't work, and there will still be the risk of complicating personal problems.

I go to the gym about twice per week - I know I should get it up to 3 times...but I usually suddenly find myself at the end of the week and realise I've only been there once or twice. In my case I quite like going to the gym. I enjoy exercising - it makes me feel good and gives me more energy - and I like the fact that it gets me off campus. I think the key is to find a type of exercise that you actually enjoy doing, and go stick at that. Be it cycling, yoga, salsa dancing, basketball, weight lifting, hiking - there has to be at *one* kind of cardiovascular/health-boosting activity that really fires you up!

I have a very handsome moleskine calendar/planner that I carry around with me all the time. But I'm also a person who really likes handwritten stuff (I've kept a daily diary for ~14 years!). If electronic calendars are what works best for the OP...I wouldn't force the paper planner. The advantage of the e-planners is that you don't have to worry about losing them: I left my moleskine planner at the supermarket once, and was panicking that if I couldn't get it back then my schedule would fall to pieces. The Evernote program is a good way of organising lists, 'To Do' notes and uploading useful files into one place. I would recommend it.

If you can, I would try to talk to Dr Y. (in person, by himself) about the opportunities available to you in his group before you make a decision. I don't think that you can reliably infer that Dr Y is "disinterested" in you from one interaction, or that since his grad students looked "sad" that they are unhappy with his style of advising (most grad students don't happily skip along the corridors - a lot of them are serious people, but that doesn't really mean anything). Professors often find the process of interviewing students all day a chore, but are much more invested in their own group members. I'd be up for giving him the benefit of the doubt. Based upon your additional interactions with Dr Y., then you can decide if you really want to join his group/the program or not. Ask Dr X. what would happen if Dr Y. is unable to take you as his student - are there other PIs you could work for. A lot of the time in grad school the onus is on the prospective student to contact PIs, ask if they're recruiting and generally sell themselves. The professor you've been in contact with should be willing to vouch for you or maybe send an introductory email, but I don't think they are obliged to do all the work for you.

Your boyfriend repeatedly saying "I don't know," when asked a straightforward question ("Are you willing to give a LDR a try, or do you think we should end it?") to me sounds like "I don't think that our relationship is going to work out, but I don't want to be the one who officially breaks it off." In the OP's situation I'd go with what *you* want, rather than trying to establish out what your boyfriend wants. If you don't see this relationship working out in the long term then tell him you're ending it.

As well as being field dependent, time to 1st first author publication is also sub-field and (most importantly) project dependent. If you're continuing on from (successful) preliminary work that another student started, it will be quicker to publish than starting a project from scratch (when your PI only has a hunch it will work). Getting published can often hinge more on your relationship with the PI than the quality of your work. There are a lot of academics out there who are perfectionists or procrastinators - manuscript drafts tend to sit on a pile at their desk for months or years - and egging your PI into submitting your paper is 80% of the battle. If your goals seem to long-term and far away to inspire you, consider coming up with some smaller, quicker ones. Perhaps a chunk of your preliminary results could be presented at a conference soon? Maybe if you wrote up a project summary report you'd see that actually you have done more work than you thought you had.

The amount of time off you can get in grad school often depends on the individual advisor/lab culture. Some PIs won't mind you taking a long weekend off, it your average monthly research output is good, for example. Working from home for a few days is rarely 'totally out of the question' in any field. Even if your boss is strict, supportive colleagues are usually willing to cover for you if you want to sneak off for a long weekend ("Oh, I think he's away taking [an instrumental measurement] right now. I'll pass the message on when he gets back."

Hopefully it means that the professor wants to give you a better grade than your final exam performance warranted, so they are looking for more evidence that you DO know what you're doing. Look at this as an attempt by the professor to help you out. It isn't very common to ask for something like this...but I think the reasoning behind the request is more common (professors decide on the curve in graduate classes and the weight they'll give different assignments)

Actually, in your situation my advice would probably be to just quit with a Masters. It will be field-specific, but in Chemistry right now it seems like there are more industry jobs advertised for Masters-level than PhD-level students - so a terminal Masters degree is actually a rather good option. In the worse case scenario you will have several years added on to your PhD if you switch labs. Schools are getting stricter and are more likely to stop funding you after ~7 years in a PhD program. There are always going to be challenges associated with a PhD in any lab - there is a risk that things may get worse for you rather than better...leaving you with +2-3 more years of unhappiness in addition to the 3 you have already. Quitting a PhD program isn't a sign of failure - it's a sign of strength, that you know things aren't working out and that you are prepared to make a tough decision do what is best for you.

I do freelance writing for websites to earn a bit extra on the side. This is a continuation of work I did before starting my PhD - if you're in a "writing" field or have written for your student newspaper, etc, then you're qualified.

I think that it is OK to explain to a professor that you need a letter of recommendation when you are setting up an appointment to speak with them. Academics appreciate that you need 2-3 letters for every position you apply for, and once your advisor is spoken for you've got to ask several other people, too! So don't feel bad about what you're doing: I think that most faculty would appreciate that you're getting to know them (and making their subsequent letter-writing easier!).

If the OP is at the point where they report missing social events (plural), then I think they have been there long enough to at least mention that they have a boyfriend. Especially since it sounds like its making life awkward for the OP and his partner. Given the hetereosexuality is a highly non-personal thing (heterosexuals talk about their partners to strangers in the queue at Starbucks! and wear "Will Sell Boyfriend For Chocolate" t-shirts), I think that a declaration of homosexuality can be as personal or as public as the individual so wishes. If the OP mentions that he has a boyfriend and the lab mates suddenly get presumptious...well, that's their problem and their loss. They can then start to go about finding a new and better group of (non-Engineering) friends to have lunch with.

...Even more important than rank & prestige is advisor fit. Figure out what kind of research you'd like to do, then apply to schools where there are 3-4 faculty you would be willing to work for. Read plenty of research group websites, see what interests and excites you. Then follow that.

Even if there are few (out) gay Engineers, it is likely that your labmates will have friends, acquaintances or even family members who are gay. Or at least they will know *of* gay people. So it might not be that big of a deal for them. I can't help but think that it might get harder for you to come out to them the longer you leave it. Just mention at some point in a conversation that you have a boyfriend, the way that straight people tend to mention their SOs. If you laugh & shrug if off like it's no big deal, then the labmates aren't going to see it as a big deal, either. As for your advisor, I don't think you need to tell him directly. But if he can't accept you for what you fundamentally are...is his personal opinion really worth caring about?

At this time of year the Graduate Advisor is probably quite busy dealing with a lot of incoming students' Q&A and admin for the upcoming academic year. So, I'd just go ahead and talk to the instructors themselves once classes start. Actually, I'd think about the situation in completely the opposite manner: first book the tickets, register for the conference and then bring a print-out of the registration confirmation email to the instructor when you inform them of about your upcoming absence. That way it proves you aren't making an excuse to get out of class - there's a valid reason why you're out of town. I'd also let the instructors know of your absence well in advance. It might be that there's an in-class exam or assignment that you'd miss, and the more notice the instructor gets, then the easier it is for them to accommodate you.

I guess it depends what you're looking to get out of your membership and what is available to members that you might find useful. If there are weekly trade magazines or a conference you want to attend coming up soon, maybe just sort out membership now? Either way, 1 or 2 months won't make much of a difference to anything.

The American Chemical Society and the Royal Society of Chemistry (since I'm from the UK). I think that 2 is the maximum I've seen for grad students, and that I'm in fact something of an outlier.

There's as much school after a PhD as you want, baby!

Graduate student. Usually. If I'm back in the UK I tell people I'm a PhD or "postgraduate" student (you become a "graduate" after you complete your undergrad degree).

...If I'd recently attempted suicide and was put on antidepressants/entered into therapy, I think some of my inter-personal skills would get kinda icky, too. Most of your posts seem to follow the logic: "Person A is an asshole...and now they're acting suicidal." I think the more logical way to look at it is: "Person A has a lot of mental health issues...which makes their behaviour seem assholish."

Person A being suicidal and Person A threatening you are two separate issues. First, I would talk to the university's mental health center. There are probably policies in place to handle this sort of situation and it might be more useful to talk to them than the police. The police are who you talk to if you want to get a restraining order or if Person A is waving a knife in your face.

Some professors I know are serious bikers who regularly commute to work. When I was in London everybody would get to the university via public transport - getting through big cities like London or NYC in a car is a nightmare, and then you've got to find parking at the end of it - and that included the faculty. In a lot of places, schools & disciplines the salaries for younger professors aren't actually all that great - they might forgo a car to save money. Or they have one car to share with their spouse. So no, I don't think it's weird. We're no longer in high school - we shouldn't be embarrassed to discover that professors have a life outside of school. Hell, I even like some of the professors at my university and enjoy their company.

I think that the "right thing" to do would be to tell somebody about the attempted suicide. TakeruK's suggestion of the counselling center/mental health support sounds like a good bet. Personally I'm not sure if you should tell your PI or not - if you trust them and they appear capable of handling sensitive information discreetly then it would be a good idea. In this instance I would avoid broaching the matter with the person in question, and would be careful about gossiping with your fellow group members (in case word spreads/get distorted/accidentally reaches the wrong ears). This person doesn't sound like the most stable individual, even if suicidal thoughts aren't their main problem. That's why I would want to create a paper trail.