angesradieux

In terms of tailoring the SoP, I did pretty much what you described. I wrote up my statement, and then ended with a paragraph about why each school would be a good fit. I may tweaked a few things for the various applications, but I didn't make any huge changes to the main body of my SoP for each application unless one application had a very different word count/length requirement. However, I think this also varies depending on how many schools you end up applying to. Personally, I only applied to four, and all four had similar strengths, so an SoP that was applicable to one was able to work well for the others provided I included a paragraph at the end discussing specific people I'd like to work with and resources that would be beneficial for each school. If you're casting a wider net (As a side note, I would recommend it applying more broadly. I planned on applying to more schools, but my dad got sick right around when applications were due, and in the midst of everything I ended up losing track of some deadlines and not spending as much time as I probably should have on applications, so I ended up narrowing my list more out of necessity than anything else. All that to say that while applying to a small number of similar programs worked out for me, it wasn't entirely intentional, and it's not something I'd advise someone else to do.), you may find that the strengths of the programs on your list are more varied, in which case it may be beneficial to tweak your SoP a bit more. You still probably won't have to do a complete overhaul or anything, but just adding a sentence here or there to highlight aspects of your work you think might make a better case for why the strengths of a specific program work so well for your research interests can't hurt. Anyway, I would advise looking at the list of schools you're interested in, thinking about the ways in which their different, and deciding how much you need to tailor your SoP based on how wide a net your casting and how significantly one program differs from the next. As far as the MA, I would only do it if it's funded. Personally, I don't think the return on investment is necessarily worth taking on debt. I think how much having an MA helps your application really varies. If you have a chance to talk to people at any of the programs you're interested in, it might be worthwhile to ask how they look upon students with a BA vs. students with an MA and if there's a preference for one over the other.

That's what I meant. I don't have problems applying for funding, and I'll certainly do so wherever I end up, because sure, I'd love to get a Fullbright and have that extra year of funding. What concerns me is having to rely almost entirely on that external funding in order to get my research done and complete my degree. At Vanderbilt, there's enough internal funding that if I do manage to get an external fellowship for research, I have an extra year of funding and more time in the archives, so it's great. But if I apply and I end up not getting anything, I have a guaranteed research year funded by the department to fall back on so I don't fall behind while working on the next round of fellowship applications. Meanwhile at UNC, the department doesn't have much funding to offer, and I get the sense that students working with the professor who would be my advisor are less competitive for university fellowships than others, so if I apply and end up not getting external money I'm afraid I'll end up basically losing a year because I won't be able to get to the archives and I'll be very limited in how much research I can get done. It's not the prospect of applying that concerns me so much as the feeling that if I don't actually get the fellowships I can't finish my dissertation.

I'm actually working on France. If I were working on German history, the decision would be easier. However, while Vanderbilt has a French historian whose work lines up more closely with my interests, UNC has French historians who are older and better known in the field. UIUC also has some better known French historians. But, I work on music and Vanderbilt has the advantage of having a music historian on the history faculty. At either UNC or UIUC, if I wanted guidance on musical aspects of my research I would have to go to the music department. However, both of those schools have larger music departments with more musicologists on faculty than Vanderbilt, so they can more easily facilitate interdisciplinary work. Whenever I try thinking about it, I end up just talking myself in circles. Although I'm finding I'm leaning towards the school with more resources to fund my research. I guess I kind of fear that at UNC I'll have a tough time finishing because it'll be really difficult to get funding to travel. Again, I know students there manage to get the external money they need, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am having to rely on that to get my research done.

You're correct. My options are UNC, Vanderbilt, and UIUC. My subfield is early modern Europe, focusing particularly on cultural history. I really liked the program at Illinois, but I'm not sure I can justify going there given the other options. I went to visit days, and I got the sense that at UNC I'd have a difficult time getting internal funding and I would really have to depend mostly on external grants and fellowships. That's one of the big things that makes me hesitate. On the one hand, I was told their students are competitive and do get fellowships, but I guess I'm sitting here imagining myself four or five years down the road kicking myself because I'm just muddling through, having a tough time because I can't get the funding necessary to get to the archives I need or didn't develop the necessary level of fluency in a necessary language because I was TAing all the time and couldn't fit the classes in. Conversely, the professor I would work with at UNC is older and has been in the field longer than the person I'd work with at Vanderbilt, so he's better known. So if I choose Vanderbilt, maybe I'll be kicking myself when I'm on the job market, wondering if I'd be having an easier time with a degree from UNC with a better known advisor. And again, I really like Illinois. Their faculty was great, and they have great resources for interdisciplinary study. But if I'm being practical, I don't know that the advantages of that program are enough to justify choosing them over either of the other two. I guess right now it feels like I'm going to have some regrets no matter what I do and I'm trying to figure out what I'll regret the least in the long run.

Anyone have any wisdom on prestige vs funding? One of the reasons I'm having a tough time turning down one program is that it's ranked higher than the other programs I have offers from. I think the usnews has it tied with some other schools for 11. Meanwhile, the other schools I have offers from are both tied for 23. However, one of the other universities is offering me a much more generous funding package that will make it much easier to travel for language training and research as necessary. How much does prestige/ranking matter if my progress will be delayed by a heavy TA load and the need to really fight for funding to travel? The school that's offering me better funding is also a private institution, and I guess I'm also figuring that given the current attitude towards education in the country, I might be more secure in a private institution as opposed to a public university that's more dependent upon government funds. Any thoughts?

Apparently there's also a chocolate museum in Manhattan. So clearly a trip to New York is necessary. Maybe I'll head to the chocolate museum in the morning and take a cab to the Museum of Natural History, wander around Central Park for a bit, and maybe try to catch a show. Not sure if any of this will actually happen, but if it does, it will be a fantastic day.

I visited everywhere and I'm still not entirely sure. There's one school I'm leaning towards--I think over all, the way the program's structured would work better for me. However, there are a couple factors weighing heavily in favor of another program that make me hesitant to pull the trigger and make the official decision. Plus, another program is ranking a bit higher than the others, which I guess makes it difficult to turn down the offer despite having some reservations. I'm meeting with a mentor from undergrad today to discuss the options and see what advice she has to offer. I guess from a purely logical standpoint, I feel like the school I'm leaning towards makes the most sense. But then whenever I think about committing to go there, all of the "what if's" start attacking and I begin to wonder if I'm absolutely sure I want to turn down the other two offers. Hopefully talking to someone who really knows the field and has no vested interest in selling one school to me over another will help me figure things out.

As far as the GRE goes, I don't think you're alone in putting off studying. I bought the books and stuff, but had a really hard time making myself actually use them, and for a while I was concerned that I wouldn't actually apply to graduate school, because I just wouldn't ever get the GRE done. Finally, I just picked an arbitrary date--July 14th, because Bastille Day is easy for me to remember--and registered to take the exam. Having that tangible deadline helped give me the push I needed to actually study. I also highly recommend the Princeton Review book of practice exams. In addition to the book, it gives you access to online practice tests where someone will actually read and score your writing section. I know a lot of people find the ETS PowerPrep exams on the computer helpful, too, but I can't personally vouch for those since I was never able to get the software to run. But long story short, I'd definitely advise biting the bullet and registering. First, it gives you a real, tangible deadline. Second, at that point you've spent the money on the exam, and I can tell you it's painful enough dropping $200 on the GRE once that I was pretty motivated by not wanting to have to do it again. However, I also recommend taking the GRE early. Like I said, I took mine in July. That way in the event that I hadn't prepared as well as I thought and didn't do well, I would have plenty of time to go back through the prep materials, figure out what weaknesses I needed to fix, and take it again. I think knowing that I had time to do it again if I absolutely had to also helped relieve some of the anxiety. Personally, I found the application process incredibly daunting and kind of terrifying. Knowing full well that I'm the kind of person who tends to avoid things that scare me and that I'm very good at justifying it, there were times when I felt like I was telling people my plan was to apply to grad school, but I would never actually get it done. I was pretty sure I'd get cold feet and come up with dozens of reasons that I couldn't possibly get the applications done. It's really easy to do, and I ended up applying to fewer schools than I'd originally intended, partially because I did drag my feet a bit. But, I did manage to get applications in. If I managed it, I'm sure you can, too. First, I'd recommend taking it one step at a time. Take the GRE first. There's a sense of satisfaction in clearing that first hurdle, and once you take the test you'll also have invested some money into the process. I found that helpful--the idea that if I didn't apply all the hours and hundreds of dollars I'd spent on the exam and prep materials would go to waste gave me a bit of a push. Second, reach out to your professors. If you do that early, you can work to reestablish relationships that might have become a bit distant. See if they're open to giving your writing sample a read through. That way, you get feedback, which is great, and they're reacquainted with your work and will be able to write a better letter of recommendation for you. Maybe also try to meet with them to talk about specific programs you want to attend/professors you want to work with. If they're willing to be involved and help you out, their advice will be invaluable. Further, this gives you more accountability. Once you start having these conversations with professors, you have a group of people you respect expecting you to apply. From there, I found it kind of just started snowballing, and by the end of the season, I'd actually applied. I think you'll be surprised how much motivation you can draw from having taken the first step of investing time and money into the process by taking the GRE and then from the accountability that comes from talking to professors and subsequently having people who expect you to apply. Several years ago, I heard someone say "How do you eat a whole elephant? One bite at a time." The process as a whole seems massive and daunting, but if you can try not to focus so much on the finish line and everything you need to do to get there just yet. Try taking it piece by piece, and I think you'll be surprised at how the momentum starts to build.

Yup. I'm in the Freehold area, so a bit south of Rutgers. Thanks for the suggestions! Speaking of Rutgers, I need to fit in a couple more lunches at Old Man Rafferty's. So many places to go and so much food to eat before I leave!

That looks pretty cool. I admit, though, most of the things on my list are a bit less academic than museums. ^.^; I haven't been to Medieval Times in like four years, I can't even remember the last time I went to Six Flags, and I didn't get to the boardwalk/aquarium much last summer. I also really want to go to Hershey Park, but that might be a bit of a long shot since that's in another state. It's still a whole lot closer to where I am now than it will be in grad school, though. Though now that I think about it, it would be nice to get to the Museum of Natural History... That might also be a bit of a long shot, though, since that's also in another state and I'd really need an entire day to devote to it. I'm not sure how much of it I'll actually get to. I guess it depends on what both time and money allows.

I second the HIghland Park suggestion. It's a pretty nice area not too far from campus. Several professors live there. You might also look into East Brunswick. You won't really be able to walk to campus from there, but it's a pretty short drive. That's where we lived when I was little and my parents brought my sister and I to Rutgers' for pretty much everything--daycare, kindergarten, summer camp, and swim lessons--and we attended ag/field day (now renamed to Rutgers day) every year when we lived there. We also went out to eat at the restaurants right off of College Ave campus frequently, so Rutgers was always really easily accessible. As others have said, you'll also probably be fine living right near College Ave just as long as you use common sense. As an undergrad, I felt perfectly safe walking around the area during the day. Most of the crime reports involved someone walking around alone really late at night. If you're out late, definitely go with a group and stay aware of your surroundings. Other than that, though, you should be fine. However, if you're looking for something quiet and peaceful, I'd stay away from College Ave. There are plenty of bars and restaurants, so you'll probably find an abundance of undergrads out partying. Also, there are a ton of fraternities and sororities on College Ave campus. When they're all having fundraisers, walking down the main strip of the campus can get really annoying really fast, and unfortunately that's the best place to catch a bus to another campus.

So, as the reality of relocating to another state hits me more, I've started thinking a lot about all the things in/near by my state that won't be in or at least as easily accessible from wherever I end up going. Most of it is stuff I haven't gotten around to in years because it's just always there, so I've taken it for granted and never made any real effort to get there. While I know I'm not leaving forever and plan to be home for holidays, I realize my time will be by far more limited and it'll be harder to fit things in when I'm here. So, I've started concocting a list of things I'd like to do in the remaining months before I leave. Anyone else doing something similar?

I mean it was in reference to Paris, so perhaps it's the big city thing. But something about the way they did it just struck me as really out of place. I don't know, though. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seemed kind of jarring to me.

I would start thinking about what subfield you can see yourself working in for an extended period of time. For me, it was easy. I've always been fascinated by France and I've only ever really wanted to study French history. Perhaps sit down and talk with a professor about at least narrowing it down to a continent. The reason this is important is language training. You'll want to have at least some grasp of the languages perinent to your research. Mandarin and Spanish are great, but they won't do all that much for you if you won't be needing to read sources in those languages. If you truly don't feel strongly about a particular subfield yet, perhaps consider what best fits your current language training. Once you have an idea, if your school offers the option of writing a senior thesis, plan to take advantage of it. First, it will give you a long writing sample with extensive primary source research. Second, it will help you build relationships with professors. Your recommendations will be stronger if they come from people who have seen your ability to do independent research. As a sophmore, you can begin thinking about what you think you'd like to research and whether there's a professor you'd like to work with as an advisor. But I think the first step is to start thinking about a subfield that interests you. That way you can tailor your classes to give you the best understanding of said subfield you can achieve, start working on whatever languages are most pertinent, and making connections with professors within that field. For example, I'm interested in France, so it was important for me to get to know the French historians where I did my undergrad, because a letter from them would be far more convincing than a letter from an Americanist. Likewise, a medievalist would have wanted to cultivate relationships with a different set of people. You don't have to have a super specific topic, but I think trying to get some sense of which field you'd like to pursue will be really helpful in figuring out where to go from here.

Thanks for the advice. The second option's offer includes a year of no classes or TA responsibilities. That year of no on campus obligations gives me the freedom to travel as much as I need to, so even if there music library is underwhelming I can get to others. I guess it's hard because they do have some resources. There's a musicologist on the history faculty who I'd be able to work with, and there is someone from the music department I could also work with. But, the course offerings within the music department are limited, so while the history department would allow me to take classes in other departments, if I wanted to take a music theory or music history course as a refresher, availability might make it difficult to fit in. Because the other school's music program is so large, it would just be easier to find things that work. Also, it has no real impact on my work, they have a phenomenal performing arts center that's drawn in some of my favorite opera singers, and it's also 2-3 hours away from a major opera house. Having been rather spoiled being not too far from New York and having Broadway and the Metropolitan Opera within a 1.5-2 hour trip, I've been concerned that going to grad school would effectively cut me off from theater. Meanwhile, the school where I'm being offered better funding is in a city where there are occasional operas and ballets, but the reviews from people I've spoken to were less than stellar. Apparently there's a wonderful symphony, but that's about it, so I won't have many opportunities to be around theater. Again, being able to go see operas and stuff isn't anything crucial to my research, but it's something I'd have a bit of a hard time giving up. But, with a much smaller stipend and more TAing, would I have either the funds or the time to get to any of those wonderful operas or concerts? I don't know. I don't know. I guess it's a choice between more money, less TAing, but fewer resources for interdisciplinary study and lackluster theater and less money, more TAing, but a great music program that I can take advantage of, and some interesting theater. It's tough. I don't want to be in grad school forever, so I'm leaning towards the option that offers more financial security and allows me more time to work on my dissertation, thereby letting me finish more quickly. I was talking about it to someone else, and as I was kind of talking myself into that option, he said "Yes. Keep talking yourself into it. It sounds great." But the music program is a big hang up for me. Probably more so than it should be from a purely logical standpoint. And this isn't even taking into consideration the third program I'm considering. But I haven't visited that one yet, so I don't have as clear a picture of the department and its resources as I do for the others. I guess I'll be able to weigh this one against the others more effectively after I get back from the visit. Maybe I'll get there and I'll hate it? But I'm more inclined to believe I'll get there, find out some really neat things, and still be hopelessly torn. This last one is the highest ranked of the three, so there's that to consider. However, my mentors from undergrad told me that this one is a little more prestigious than the others, but their reputations are all in the same ballpark, so any difference in the rankings isn't really significant enough to be a huge factor in the decision. They also told me I was going to have a really hard time choosing, because I'd get to all of these schools, look around, and totally be able to see myself going to any one of them. And as much as I wish they weren't, they were totally right!

Mini little vent. I went to see Beauty and the Beast today. For the most part, it was really good. But then there's a mention of the plague, and I was like huh? There was nothing else medieval about the scenery. From the music, fashion, scenery, etc. it looked like there was a lot of baroque influence and I'd say it was 18th century France. So the plague just seemed totally out of left field, and I spent a fair amount of time after sitting there confused, thinking "Wait. What time period iis this?" And I'm just going on a little rant here because that anachronism really irritated me and no one else I know really cares about stuff like that. Silly little vent, but there it is.

I'm likewise waiting to visit everywhere before choosing. I leave for the last visit tomorrow. Still wondering how that happened. 0.o But I'm still really hung up on one aspect of the first school I visited. Like the second one makes way more sense financially, and there are great professors there. But the first school had like one of the ten largest music programs in the country, and their music library was incredible. Since I'd really like to do interdisciplinary work that incorporates music, and I'd like to take some music classes to ground my studies, that's important to me. Meanwhile, the music program is pretty small at the second school. I don't know how many classes I'd be able to take and I didn't get a chance to see the music library because no one knew where it was when I was on my tour, and then when I tried to find it myself during some downtime I got lost. And as much as I'm like "second school makes sense", I'm thinking about the amazing music program and the opportunities for interdisciplinary study at the first school. I mean, people at the second school were super supportive of me wanting to work with people from other departments and bring music into my work, but I'm just not sure they have the same resources to facilitate that. Before visiting, I had no idea there was such a huge difference in that regard. I made sure to ask if I can see the music library while visiting my last school. I don't know. I really thought visiting would make things easier. But learning more about the different programs is just complicating matters. Like I've learned things I really like on both visits, as well as things that I'm a little lukewarm on. I'm hoping I'll be able to sit down with one of my mentors from undergrad to talk through some of the pros/cons. Right now, I'm just really overwhelmed and confused.

If you go to Montclair, it's actually a really nice place to be. There's a fantastic used book shop in Montclair and some nice restaurants. If you'd rather live a bit further away, Roseland isn't too far. It's a small town that's nice and safe. You might also want to look into Morristown. There's an interesting local museum you can go to if you're looking for something to do. I also know people who've been very happy living in New Providence and Berkley Heights. I'm not sure exactly what apartment rent looks like there, but those might be some good places to start looking. I don't know how far you're willing to drive, but New Brunswick and Highland Park might also be worth checking out. They're a bit farther though--about 30-40 minutes away from Montclair. But, New Brunswick is where Rutgers is, so there are lots of restaurants and things, and lots of students living there, so affordable housing shouldn't be too hard to come by.

Everywhere I applied required that all transcripts be sent. I was similarly stressed mostly because I started off somewhere, my grades were less than stellar, and then I transferred from a four year school to a two year school, earned an associates degree, and then transferred again to a different four year school to earn a BA in a field totally unrelated to the one I was studying when I first started school. When all was said and done, I had a transcript from two years spent at a state school with no degree awarded, two associates degrees from a community college, and a BA from another state school . When I talked to my mentors about it and expressed my concern over the need to send all transcripts, they told me to just be upfront about it and address it in my personal statement. They said give a brief discussion of how I started working in one area, discovered it wasn't working, and then started down a new path. That way it wouldn't look like I was hiding anything and I had some control over the narrative rather than just sending the transcripts and letting the admissions committee draw their own conclusions. That strategy seems to have been successful. Maybe try talking to one of your letter writers to see if they think you could do something similar? For what it's worth, I've been accepted to fully funded PhD programs and no one I've spoken to on visits so far has brought up my grades from the first two years. If transferring and all that jazz came up, it's been because they were curious about how I decided I wanted to be a historian after leaving my original field. It was more of a discussion about what experiences, choices, etc. finally sent me off in this direction. They never made me feel like I had to explain myself or justify why I'm still a worthwhile candidate despite my unorthodox path through undergrad. Honestly, I've been pleasantly surprised by how much of a non-issue it's been. My advice would be to talk to a professor and see what they think about briefly discussing your situation in a personal statement.

American History R_Escobar (20th century, American Indian), crazedandinfused (antebellum, intellectual), hopin'-n-prayin' (southern, religious), stevemcn (transnational), Simple Twist of Fate (early American), zb642 (20th century, labor/working-class culture), BCEmory08 (19th-20th century Catholicism, labor), irvinchiva10 (20th century, immigration/immigration reform) natsteel (early American political culture and intellectual history) unforth (19th century US political and military history, US Civil War) hbeels (colonial, early national, 19th century, transappalachain west, historical memory of these eras/areas) thedig13 (20th century U.S.; built environment, modern consumer culture, race, and immigration) Weepsie (North American Mapping, Exploration and Trade, Anti-Communism/Socialism in Interwar period, bit of a mixed bag) lafayette (19th c. [with a dash of 20th], urban, intellectual) vtstevie (Revolutionary/Early Republic New England, infrastructure/economic) macmc (Feminist, gender, and LGBT history) HistThrift (early America, indigenous history) junotwest (19/20th century African-American, Cultural/Intellectual, Gender & Sexuality) calhoun&caffeine (19th cen. Southern [political]) tampopo ramen (19th-20th century capitalism/business) BookishVixen (late 18th-early 20th ce maritime communities, cultural, gender & sexuality) hardtack&coffee (19th Century American Social & Military History, American Civil War) spellbanisher (economic and cultural history of the gilded age, progressive era, and the 1920s) European History Kelkel (Modern Germany, political), goldielocks (Britain), SapperDaddy (Eastern and Central Europe), kotov (Modern Romania, Holocaust, labor), RevolutionBlues (Modern Western Europe/France labor and leftist politics), theregalrenegade (18th/19th cent British Empire/environment), jrah822 (19th century Britain; emphasis on colonial relationship to India), grlu0701 (Intellectual & cultural history,fin de siecle Germany and Italy), naturalog (modern European [mostly German] intellectual and cultural/sexuality and gender/political radicalism), runaway (Eastern/Central, memorialization & visual culture), Sequi001 (Modern France, gender and sexuality, colonialism/imperialism) Abetheh (19th/early 20th century Germany and France, religious politics vs secularization) NeutralKate (Modern Russia, modern European economic history) Crackerjacktiming (Modern Germany, gender and sexuality) GloFish (USSR, Stalinism, Soviet-American Relations) jamc8383 (19th/20th century France, interwar culture, relationship between body, mind & place) Heimat Historian (19th/20th century Germany, migration, settler colonialism) AshleyJuneBug (Early Modern France and Britain, gender and sexuality) maelia8 (19th/early 20th century Germany, imperialism and colonialism, travel, exploration) BookishVixen (Victorian and Edwardian English imperialism/gender & sexiality) episkey (19th/20th century France, gender and sexuality, Holocaust) AngesRadieux (18th/early 19th century France, cultural history, music) African History Oseirus (precolonial/early colonial West Africa), Singwaya18 (20th century East Africa), Safferz (20th century Horn/Northeast Africa), The People's Scholar (Spanish colonialim in Africa- i.e. middle/West Africa) Jogatoronto (Psychiatry in early colonial West Africa) ronwill06(Social and political radical movements) Heimat Historian (German settlements in Southern Africa) Latin American History CageFree (20th century, Southern Cone), BH-history, The People's Scholar (18th-19th century Colombia) StrangeLight (20th century Central America) Heimat Historian (German settlements in Southern cone and Mexico) Mujereslibres (German informal colonization of Peru, Brazil, and Chile) East Asian History alleykat (Modern China) getitlow (Modern China: Republican, Women, Gender and Sexuality) kyjin (Pre-Modern Japan) aec09g (Modern Japan) pudewen (Late Imperial China) kdavid (Modern China; focus on the Republican period) Near/Middle Eastern History uhohlemonster, (modern Israel, Iran, Palestine) oswic (modern Egypt, gender) Conmel (modern pan-Islamic thought/networks) Atlantic World sandyvanb crazedandinfused Global/World History cooperstreet (Cold War) melissarose8585 Heimat Historian (German settlements throughout world) Jewish History uhohlemonster, (modern Israel) hopin'-n-'prayin, kotov (Holocaust), naturalog (sometimes modern European/Holocaust), runaway (memorialization & visual culture), ticklemepink (20th c. Germany/U.S) awells27 (Late Antiquity: Roman Empire/Palestine/Byzantine) Science/Technology/Environment shaxmaty1848 (Cold War) StrangeLight (environmental history, ecological distribution conflicts) sukipower (20th c. forensic science & anthropology, 19th c. science and medicine) Social annieca (Cold War and Post-Cold War East and Central Europe) BookishVixen (Spheres of influence, Progressive Era reforms affecting immigration) Classical and Medieval Hogs of War (Monastic Studies and Conflicts in Authority) telkanuru (high Medieval intellectual and social history, Cistercian studies) AbbeyRoad (Monastic History, Gender, Cistercians) Kirialax ("Dark Age" Byzantium; the Komnenoi) Cultural StrangeLight (gender, race, ethnicity, and religion) hbeels (race/ethnicity, religious, masculinity/feminimity, print/literature) crazedandinfused (race, nationalism, performance, rhetoric) alleykat (religion, race/ethnicity, cultural relativism) Heimat Historian (German culture in transnational context) Canadian History truthfinder (New France, religious)

Anyone else here headed to Illinois in a few days? I just got my itinerary for the visit and while I'm not totally sure what I was expecting, I'm surprised by how much they've crammed into the few days I'm there. Honestly, I find it a little intimidating! Anyway, if anyone else is going to be there, it might be nice to put a face to some usernames.

Possibly, though it's down to just months away, anyway. I can't really afford to go anywhere until it gets closer to the start of the semester.

I've vented on here about my sister before, but she's just making me crazy. She's one of the most ungrateful, self-centered, thoughtless people I know, and this past week makes me really wish I didn't want a relationship with her. I know I would be so much happier if I didn't care, but I can't stop wanting to spend time together and actually act like sisters. I keep trying to be nice and supportive, but she never reciprocates and it always ends in my feeling taken for granted and hurt. A few days ago there was a big argument between my sister and my parents. It was a bunch of things building up, but what finally did it was my mom went out and only bought pork sausage for dinner. My sister doesn't eat pork. She was upset that our mom bought dinner for everyone in the house except her. I agreed it was thoughtless. I also offered to go out with her so she wouldn't be home and wouldn't have to sit there eating leftovers when everyone else had sausage. She refused and decided it would be better to just complain about it to our mom. When things were already tense, my dad asked her how her day at work was, which only made her more upset, because she hates her job. She started ranting. At one point, she snapped at my dad, and then my mom snapped at her that she should be more grateful and shouldn't have complained about the leftover chicken. My sister started crying. My parents have been spending weeknights in the city, so they left to go back to the city. To try to diffuse the situation, I made brownies to give to my sister. She started ranting at me about our parents, which I expected. But then she started making disparaging comments about the "grad school club" in our family, which doesn't actually exist, and implied that she's upset that I'm going for a PhD. That made me feel great. But I didn't say anything. I let her rant and offered her a brownie. Her boyfriend called, and I guess she decided she'd rather talk to him than me, so she picked up the phone and just went to her bedroom. Since the whole hullabaloo started over chicken, the next morning I cooked. Usually our schedules work out so I'm at work when she gets home. So, I started cooking in the morning so it would be in the fridge when she got home. I made chicken stuffed with cheese in a sherry sauce--one of her favorites. Later I had to go to the mall for something, and I stopped at Starbucks and brought back a cookie butter bar for her. Turns out she came home early and was back around lunch time. So I gave her the cookie butter bar, which she took but didn't thank me for. Then I told her I made chicken and put it in the fridge for her if she wanted it. She opened the fridge, looked at it, and then snubbed it and heated up frozen taquitos instead, which made me wonder why she made such a fuss over leftovers the previous night and didn't just heat up taquitos then. I was pretty unhappy--first, I would have at least liked a thank you, and I was kind of annoyed that not having chicken turned into a big fight the night before, so I made her chicken, and then she didn't eat it. I went to work, and on the way home I stopped and got a meal from Stewart's and her favorite soda to bring home. When I offered it to her, I didn't even get a "no, thank you." She just kind of shook her head and then proceeded to more or less ignore me for the night. Has she shown any kind of gratitude? Nope. In fact, today she's been out with her boyfriend the entire day, happily pretending I don't exist. I really don't need much. Just a "thanks" now and again would be nice. And maybe if she were to say "Hey, how about we spend some time together?" But no matter what I do or how hard I try to make her happy, she never thanks me and never wants anything to do with me. It's also gotten to the point where I don't talk about grad school plans around her, because I'm afraid it'll upset her. The other day, I showed my dad an offer letter on my phone so I didn't have to say anything out loud and she didn't have to hear about it and get all snarky about whatever "grad school club" she's fabricated. That especially frustrates me, because when she got her full time job and was actually excited about it, I bought sparkling wine and a cake to celebrate. Meanwhile, my career's starting to move forward, and I feel like I can't talk about it in the house because she'll get upset if she overhears. Also, her Christmas gift to me was a Groupon for two, which is apparently just going to expire because she never wants to go anywhere with me. But, whenever I get upset and make it known to her, she hangs the stupid Groupon over my head. It's along the lines of "Oh, well I never said anything about it to you or even asked if it might work in your schedule, but I was going to do that with you next weekend. But you made me mad, so now I'm not." Keep in mind, the "Well, I was going to do it with you, but now I'm not because you made me mad" situation is the only time she ever acknowledges it. And it never occurs to her that I have a life, too, and whatever weekend she claims she was going to actually spend time with me on might not work for. Like today, she gave me the same spiel. But you know what? I'm traveling next weekend, so even if it were true, it wouldn't work for me. But she just assumes that I'm sitting around waiting for whenever she deigns to finally acknowledge that I exist. I'm just sick of it. I try to be supportive and show her that I care. But no matter how hard I try, I feel like I could just disappear tomorrow and she wouldn't care. I really feel like I might actually never see her again once I go to grad school. She can't make time for me when I'm actually here and available. There's no way she's going to make time when I'm only home a few times a year and definitely can't bend over backwards to accommodate her and things have to be more on my terms. I've reached a point of desperately wishing I could just stop caring and not want an actual relationship with her. It would make my life so much easier.

Right now, I'm kind of just waffling back and forth. I'll lean towards a program, but then I'll start thinking about the strengths of another school, and I just really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm hoping visiting will help clear some things up for me. Just planning the trips has given me some things to think about--it turns out one school is by far more difficult to get to and from than the others. It's not a make it or break it factor, but it's another consideration that I hadn't thought about previously. I guess I assumed the process of getting back and forth would be more or less the same from one school to the next. On the flip side, though, the faculty there is a great fit... I am a little nervous about committing to an advisor, so the big thing I'm hoping visiting will do is give me a sense of who I might be able to be comfortable around. I'm a pretty nervous and neurotic person and there are certain personalities I have a really hard time working with. With that in mind, I'm hopeful that talking to faculty and getting an idea of what they're like as a mentor will make the decision making process a bit easier.

Have you checked the student handbook? There may be a clause in there about not working while completing a PhD. If this is the case, it's possible that your advisor was totally fine with it and didn't realize it was an issue until later on. Perhaps if its an issue with policy, internship and paid work are defined differently, and while an unpaid internship would have been fine, but a paid job is in conflict with a policy outlined in the handbook. I would look around and try to figure out whether this is the case. If it is, maybe sit down with your advisor, talk about it, and see if the two of you can figure out any way to make this work. Would it be permissible if it were unpaid? I know you said it isn't really related to your current research, but could you make a case for its usefulness by saying you'll develop skills there that can carry over into your current research? Maybe it's allowable if you can demonstrate that it will in some way further your ability to do your current research. If the issue is that your advisor changed her mind for some reason, again, the best thing to do might be to try to talk to her about what caused the change of heart. In any case, I think the best thing to do is first to determine whether it's a change of heart on the part of your advisor, or whether she was simply made aware of a policy that she hadn't previously realized was in place, and then see if your advisor is willing to have a conversation about it. It doesn't guarantee it'll work out--if there's some policy in place, it could well be that her hands are tied--but a discussion can't hurt.