Strangefox

For what it's worth, I agree with this post 1000 times over. It's hard to say, and even harder to hear, but you must break out, by yourself and for yourself. And much better to do it while you're still young. As other posters have also said, some counseling will help you, and I strongly advise that too.

The question of whether you earn an MFA or PhD, or five PhD's, is really irrelevant. You mother is running your life, and you must take charge of it and break free of her.

Feel free to personal-message me if you'd like any further details, my own broad outlines are very, very similar though the details are totally different, in fact, opposite.

Been there done that. You don't want to follow in my footsteps.

Wishing you all the best!
John

I think the whole tenor of your comments suggests that you're resigned to your situation: you talk about coping, etc. You have to realize that nothing's going to change if you don't make an effort. I certainly know that feeling: you're absolutely miserable in your situation but you are so accustomed to it that you can't even imagine anything else. I think it's right that you seek psychological support, but there are a few things you could do to create a sense of separation from your mother right now.

For instance, you've talked about being 'forced' to surrender your savings, etc. I'm assuming, and correct me if I'm wrong, that means you're somehow dependent on your mother financially, i.e., you have joint accounts or something, such that you can't do anything without her. If that's the case, you should set up your own accounts and make sure your earnings are deposited there. That way you'll have complete and exclusive control over your finances.

Second, do not rely on your mother or her car for transportation, or do so as little as possible. I know that sounds small and kind of trivial, but I'd suggest that depending on her to go anywhere only reinforces your actual and psychological dependence. Take public transportation, walk, get a bike, whatever you need to do to inculcate in yourself a sense of independence.

I know you say you can't move out, but I think it's really a necessary and vital step. Especially from your last post, you whole living environment seems incredibly toxic and damaging. See if you can move in with friends, even for a short time, or look for a roommate to lower the costs.

Going back to my first points, you absolutely must stop thinking of yourself as a victim; it's self-reinforcing and destructive. You are an adult; you are an autonomous human being of independent moral worth, and you cannot be forced to do what you don't want to do. In a real sense, it isn't your mother who is, for instance, forcing you to apply to grad school (what does that even look like?), but you forcing yourself to obey your mother. This you have to break out of.

My boyfriend's dad is rather similar- only wants him to get a PhD, despite the fact that he's happier (and making more money!) working for industry. As a pretty passive person, I know how hard it is to stand up for yourself- I am a people-pleaser that avoids conflict at all costs. Perhaps you can take a more roundabout way? Don't tell your mother that you don't want to get an MFA, present it as wanting to work a few years so that you'll be not burned out and more committed to school when you eventually go. Then once you get a job and the ability to move out (and I know that's much easier said then done, both due to the economy and the hold your mother has on you), you can freely decide not to go, without it being tied to your housing and financial stability. Making a stand is a great idea in theory, but in this situation doing it quietly and gradually can be more to your advantage (and less scary. And there is no shame in taking baby steps ).

Hey Just me,
I don't have any advice for you, but I can tell you about my situation... and maybe you can tell me which kind of nagging is worse...

I'm female and asian american. But unlike my other asian american friends, my mom doesn't care much about pursuing higher education. In fact, she was disappointed that I had not found a husband by the end of my undergraduate degree. According to her logic, the reason why I should go to a great university is so that I can have better choices on the man that I should marry. "Doctors are preferred... no lawyers because they're dishonest," she says.

Anyway, long-story-short, she thought it was silly of me to want to pursue grad school and spend all my time in the research lab. I applied anyway and got into a great program at one of the Ivy leagues. When I told her this, she changed her tune. She is now ecstatic because she has convinced herself that I've "saved" myself throughout undergrad so that I can go to grad school at an Ivy league and find me a nice husband there. Can we say "delusional"?? haha The twist is that I do not plan to marry a man because I like women!

Well you obviously are not an adult yet, since you rely so much on your parents and cannot stand up for yourself.

One thing that I've learned is that everything is for the better. You got into a good school, right? So congrats! The universe wanted you to end up in this school

So dry your tears and remember:

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

I have been wait-listed here. If anyone who has been accepted and is not planning on going, I would appreciate informing the dept asap. Thanks.

It must be the gut feeling. Follow your heart. Don't do what others want you to do. Think about things what make you happy, that would you like to spend the rest of your life doing. Your intuition is the key!
If you don't know it yet, may be you have not really tried understanding yourself. You must not rush. Just relax and think about different activities that make you really happy, about your skills and talents - and I am sure you have those! And be true to yourself. Don't lie to youself. Understanding yourself may not be easy but it is totally possible.
Good luck!

Thanks for posting that thought-provoking response video, saecla vincere - it bucked me up enough to watch the original video, which I had been avoiding.

I doubt this woman would benefit from going to an anthropology class. In my experience the students who are forced to be in classes with a heavy emphasis on diversity will deeply resent it and sulk the whole time, as well as mulishly refusing to even consider the authors' perspectives if it doesn't immediately jive with them. They think in terms of us vs. them to such an extent that they don't even recognize the fact that there is no such thing as THE black or THE Asian perspective, so any experience voiced by people of color they take as oppositional and, of course, self-centered and wrong. I don't know how students like this can be jarred out of their complacency, but they see efforts to do so from a mile away and have already hardened their minds against it. As you can tell, I tired quickly of such classmates.

And you know what? Fuck this woman's opportunity for a degree. Her classmates don't deserve to be subjected to her. If she expressed those thoughts to another person it would be bullying, and I think it is progress that we can say (via social pressure) "No, this perspective is so invalid that you can't meaningfully contribute to the community here anymore." It isn't like she was making the most of her educational opportunities while she was there, so maaaaaybe this reaction will snap her out of it. Even if it doesn't, UCLA is better off without her.

As for the death threats, well, just goes to show that bad behavior is universal, especially when you throw in the anonymity of the internet.

I thought this was a very reasonable response to that video.

Whether death threats are warranted is a completely different matter than whether what she says is offensive! Which, in all seriousness, SHOULD NOT BE UP FOR DEBATE.
ETA: The OP's wording confused me, and I read the above line backwards and inside out. We agree on this point--the girl who made the original video is insensitive and offensive. My bad.

But sure--let's all rush to worry about the crying little white girl and how she's been hurt by everyone calling her a racist. Sure. Because that's not racist at all. What about the Asian and Asian-American students at UCLA who received yet another reminder of the vitriol with which some people hate them?

"Hello, Professor, do you think we could schedule a lab meeting after dinner--in your bedroom?"

"Sure, just let me change into my pajamas." [undresses at dinner table, puts on Snuggie]

I'm all for attenuating hierarchies, but this would just be going too far for me! But hey, if it works for some people, all the power to them. I can't imagine that level of accommodation is at all common, though. Good luck on finding housing!

Hola! Nice to see a feathered friend out on these parts. Hard to type with this beak, right? This touch screen on my iPad doesn't make it any easier. I mean, I'm pecking and dragging, but it won't zoom in! Oh well, I guess I'm just going to perch on this branch here and check my stocks in Amazon, maybe break out my Kindle. I've been reading The Jungle Book. Hakuna matata! Oh, wait, wrong movie. Oops, got to preen now, will "fly" by this forum later!

Hey, stay positive! May be if you were accepted to a certain school and not to other programs it is because this school is a perfect fit for you and others aren't! Remember, addmission decisions are based first and foremost on fit.
Do not reapply!

It's an adaptation of a big hit that you guys might recognize. (
) (warning: language!) I wish I could actually sing and make a video for this song, but I'm only the Uni OF Cee-Lo, not Cee-Lo himself. How unfortunate.

NOTE: this is not directed at any professor, student, or university. It's just a celebration of a great song and a way to cope with the painful application (i.e. rejection) process. Warning: language!


- - - -


Fuck You

CHORUS
I see you applyin' 'round town
With my POI and I'm like,
Fuck you!
ooo-ooo-OOO
I guess the grades on my transcript
Just weren't good enough
I'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck him too!

I said, if my GPA were better, I might be admitted (ya)
Ha, now ain't that some shit? (ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Fuck you!
ooo-ooo-OOO!

VERSE
Yeah I'm sorry, I can't get cum laude,
But that don't mean I can't publish there.
I guess he's an XBox, and I'm more Atari,
But the way you play your game ain't fair.

I picture the foooo-oooool that applies to work with you
(oh shit he's a mean professor)
Well
(just thought you should know, loser)
Ooooo-oooooh
I've got some news for you
Yeah, go run off to your big shot conference

(CHORUS)

Now I know, that I had to study,
To deal with that grad school itch
Trying to sway ya, trying to persuade ya.
'Cause applyin' to yo' program ain't a cinch.

I pity the foooo-ooool that applies to work with you
(oh shit he's a mean professor)
Well
(just thought you should know, loser)
Ooooo-oooooo---ooooh
I've got some news for you
I really hate yo ass right now!

(CHORUS)

Now proffy, proffy, proffy, why d'ya wanna wanna reject me so bad?
(so bad, so bad, so bad)

I tried to tell my advisor but he told me
"this is one for your dad"
(your dad, your dad, your dad)
Uh!
Whhhy?
Uh!
Whhhhyyy?
Uh!
WHHHHYYYY PI?
Oh! I love your research oh!
I still love your research. OOOOOOHHH!

I see you applyin' 'round town
With my POI and I'm like,
Fuck you!
ooo-ooo-OOO
I guess the grades on my transcript
Just weren't good enough
I'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck him too!

I said, if my GPA were better, I might be admitted (ya)
Ha, now ain't that some shit? (ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Fuck you!

ooo-ooo-OOO!

Many schools have off campus coordinators who know all the best places to live, can put you in contact with tons of people and are a great resource. That said, I've found the best roommates I've ever had on Craigslist. They are not all horror stories.

Has anyone said Kijiji yet? That's what I used to use. Craigslist has always scared me. Most schools have off campus housing lists too. That's a good way to search.

There are always sketchy people and scams though. Just be as careful as you can. Good luck.

I've also used Craigslist successfully a few times, sometimes for a sublet (posted by the renter) and other times for the lease (posted by the landlord). But in all honesty, the best apartments that I've ever rented where ones that came from a legitimate real estate agency. I know that it means you might have to dish out some extra money (unless there's a free apartment locating service, which there are many of in Austin) but it really is worth it in the end because, from my experience, they tend to be the most efficient and the most legitimate landlords. I found my last apartment through a real estate agency and I did have to pay the realtor a fee but the apartment had really cheap rent, it was a great place with a terrific location, and the landlords were ON TOP OF THINGS, seriously. I never had an issue that wasn't resolved within the next couple of days.

Also - a good thing to try to do when you find a property or even a landlord, google them. If you're looking at a place in an apartment complex, you can check out apartmentratings.com or another similar site. Folks who have lived in any given complex will post reviews about what their experience living there was like, pros and cons, and how the landlords are with maintenance, are they friendly, etc. It's a really useful tool. Sometimes you can also find reviews on Yelp. But googling a landlord's name or the name of the apartment complex can sometimes give you a sense of how things are looking.

Best of luck!

I agree with this. Even when I was careful one time to find a student at the same school to live with, it turned very negative very quickly. That doesn't always happen, of course, but caution is a very good idea.

By the way, I wholeheartedly second the recommendation of using Google Street-View! To find my place in Toronto, I: a) spent a couple of weeks doing the legwork on there and getting a good feel for which neighbourhoods looked the most appealing to me; got on sites such as viewit.ca to do a general apartment-search and zeroed in on the single area I liked the best, identifying a few buildings that looked promising; c) flew out to Toronto in July, went out to that neighbourhood (okay, can I just say that wandering around a place you know well thanks to Google is incredibly weird? * laughs *), went by the buildings I liked the look of, wrote down phone-numbers for all of them, made calls to find vacancies for September, and made a few appointments. The second apartment I toured, I absolutely loved, and it is the one I'm sitting in right now.

Yes, that's fine - nothing wrong with it. I have a friend who grew up in the city to which I'm moving, and I've been sending craigslist postings to her, asking what she thinks about the area. Sometimes, one block of a neighborhood can be okay and the next one has more problems, and that's hard to know when you don't live in a city or are new there.

I cannot agree with you here. I don't think that SOP is about convincing somebody, it's about showing yourself as a person, something beyond tangible scores, and telling about yourself, your potential research, your fit. That is why most people recommend writing a SOP using the easiest language possible. It's not your hooks and brilliant style that will make you stand out, but your fit as a person and as a researcher. If there is fit, they will want you, if there is no fit, they won't, no matter how exellent your rhetoric skills are.
And of course they need to see that you can express your thoughts clearly, otherwise how will you be able to write articles and to communicate your ideas to other scholars?

It seems that when you write about convincing, you refer to a negative connotation of this word, that is, making somebody believe something while this something is not exactly true. For example, convincing adcomms that you are a good scholar while you actually aren't. I, personally, see SOP not as convincing but as revealing, revealing your fit, your experience, etc.
Scores, on the other hand, do not reveal neither your research, nor your personal fit with a department, that is why they are less important.

I cannot agree with you here. I don't think that SOP is about convincing somebody, it's about showing yourself as a person, something beyond tangible scores, and telling about yourself, your potential research, your fit. That is why most people recommend writing a SOP using the easiest language possible. It's not your hooks and brilliant style that will make you stand out, but your fit as a person and as a researcher. If there is fit, they will want you, if there is no fit, they won't, no matter how exellent your rhetoric skills are.
And of course they need to see that you can express your thoughts clearly, otherwise how will you be able to write articles and to communicate your ideas to other scholars?

It seems that when you write about convincing, you refer to a negative connotation of this word, that is, making somebody believe something while this something is not exactly true. For example, convincing adcomms that you are a good scholar while you actually aren't. I, personally, see SOP not as convincing but as revealing, revealing your fit, your experience, etc.
Scores, on the other hand, do not reveal neither your research, nor your personal fit with a department, that is why they are less important.

Um - can we keep this thread on topic? If you wish to discuss the merits of stat vs. intangibles-driven admissions, and its implications for less-privileged applicants, please feel free to start another thread. Thank you.

I have the opportunity to do a poster presentation (not even a "real" one, but at an event with very few people - it's basically just Fulbrighters and some professors etc.). I would like to do this as a "dry-run" for real poster-presentations. But to be honest: I have no idea what this is exactly. I have never seen one. So please forgive my probably stupid questions, but...

The poster should be quite big, right? Which format?
Which programs are used to design those posters? Can I learn them in 5 weeks? Or: Can I even do a complete poster and everything in 5 weeks? (That's how long I have time)
How do you transport them?
What should be ON the poster? Just text? Mostly images? Should it be structured like the chapters of my thesis (which is the basis of this poster)? Or should it be more like a mindmap?
Does the name of my university need to be on the poster? Is there any other content that MUST appear on the poster? (my name? my adviser's name? date? anything?)
Am I supposed to do the poster in black-and-white or can I use colors? Or do I HAVE to use colors?

So, then I just get there and display my poster. What now?
Do I have to prepare a presentation?
Do I have to tell the people who come look at my poster something? Or am I just there to answer questions and should keem my mouth shut when not being asked?
Do I have to stay with my poster at all times or can I go and take a look around?
How long are these poster presentations? 30 minutes? 6 hours? I have absolutely no idea...

Please don't laugh at me.... I'm really VERY inexperienced in this field and I hope some of you can provide some insight... Thank you!

Re: Roommates. You just never know. Even if it's a friend of a friend, you will have no way of knowing if your roomie "chemistry" is right. When I was a freshman in college, my roommate was a girl I'd known all throughout high school. The experience of being roommates destroyed our friendship. I was a night person, and she was a morning person, and we drove each other crazy )she got up at 7am to study---shudder). Many times, I lived with people (both male and female) who worked out great. I am a BIG believer in first impressions, too. Sometimes just talking to someone for 10 mins (and asking the right questions!) can give you a great idea of how you would be living together. Here are the key issues that you need to know, in my opinion:

Are they a night person or a morning person?
Do they like to listen to loud music while studying?
How often are they home (it can suck to have someone home ALL THE TIME)?
Do they have a bf/gf or frequent overnight guests? (no need for the dreaded "third roommate"!)
Are they messy or clean freaks?
Do they like to have parties, frequent get-togethers?
Do they have pets?

Stuff like that can really give you an idea if you can live with someone or not. Also, it's a good idea to set "ground rules" before moving in. I always tell my roomies: If you get a bf/gf, that's fine, but they can't be over all the time. If you want to live with your bf, you have to agree to move out. Since I am home a lot, I always love having roommates who are computer science majors or pre-med or whatnot--they're never home!

I've used internet sites to get roommates. Once, I put an ad in for a roommate in the local paper, and it was great. I interviewed all the people and the person I chose later became one of my best friends.