Holy shit, that blew up! ? *waves awkwardly* So, yeah, I'm totally fine! Sorry to have worried anyone unnecessarily.
Yes, I did choose to leave Draft for my own mental health purposes. I found that a lot of the latest interactions that were occurring on there were really causing me to spend more time than necessary on and in the group, and recent exchanges especially were actually causing me some pretty deep pain in my heart and causing me to get into a bit of a negative head space, and it just wasn't life-giving for me anymore (and it certainly didn't seem like my contributions were life-giving anymore to others), so I decided to remove myself from the group for everyone's (both myself and the group's) overall wellness.
While I absolutely have loved (and still love) celebrating in everyone's successes and journeys to and through the MFA, some of the posts I made recently in Draft really seemed to do more harm than good for some Draft members, especially for members of color, and that is absolutely the LAST thing in the world I ever, ever wanted my words to cause or be a part of, especially within the context of me being a white woman.
Essentially (and I will try to sum this up as briefly as possible), the "Black" issue Marshall is referring to is (which, btw, Marshall, that's racist--Black people have every right to speak up, and I would hope they can feel safe speaking up with me, if I said something that hurt them, or any member of color, frankly, especially within the context of if a statement I made (however inadvertently) triggers or causes trauma to people of color--I'm glad they speak up, so I can take a step back and learn. I do not know everything, nor can, or should, I try to police a BIPOC person's lived experience. Anyway, I digress.) (I guess?) what kind of kicked off the whole thing. I think it was about a week ago, that I was just feeling incredibly grateful and heart-full in my heart, at seeing how many BIPOC members had succeeded in gaining acceptances this year. It was just one of those overflowing joy moments I sometimes get. It was so moving for me to see this in the context of all I had learned over these past several months about systemic racism, and, personally, I just think it's a milestone to be celebrated, especially in the context of all the racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and threatened existence that marginalized communities have not only continued to experience, but have endured being amped up publicly on steroids with all of the crisises of this past year, especially with these people out here feeling emboldened to publicly, violently act on their racist beliefs, ipso facto far-right domestic terrorists acting out their shitty, chauvinistic fantasies, and thinking they're invincible from consequences while doing so. All of us have seen the news, seen the lives lost, seen the tragedies that occur.
I wrote a post on Draft that was intended to celebrate these milestones, both systemically and individually, because I think it's a tremendous accomplishment to persist in goals despite, and even with, such uncertainty and tragedy occurring in multitudes around oneself (and especially within the context of how difficult this season was overall within the context of COVID). One of the ways I tend to write and relate to people overall, both as a human and as a creative, is to discuss how events, stories, etc. have deeply moved me and inspired me, in my own heart; and, in the context of discussing issues affecting marginalized communities, especially as an ally, I want to express, loudly and clearly, my support, encouragement, and acknowledgement that I recognize how many barriers they have had to cross (the whole, "work twice as hard for half the result" thing) to even get to a place that I, in my privilege, either have had easier access to, or can easily take for granted without stopping and taking a moment to consider others' experiences.
I saw last summer in my own personal life and online activity how insanely, insanely vital and important it was to my own Black, international, first-generation, etc. friends in my own life, that white people actually speak up and take a stand against racism, especially in the face of so much silence, denial, avoidance, violence, and dismissal from other white people. (In my own life, I sobbed, several times, at the hardheartedness and the intractability I saw from members of my own faith, from family and friends, and just from so many in society at large, regarding issues of racism, and especially in brushing off or glossing over at how these issues were resulting in losses of beautiful, precious lives, that (as an example) Black men being murdered by police aren't just numbers on a graph; they're humans, with vital, beautiful stories of their own, and they deserve to be honored, treasured, and remembered with dignity, not expostulated upon as a conglomeration of stereotypes or dehumanizing rhetoric (which I witnessed from white friends and family in spades, and which I have tried to speak out against as much as I could, because it's the freaking right thing to do, and their lives MATTER).)
Perhaps naively, I brought this same mentality of just wanting to express celebration and joy, and be my naturally vocal, enthusiastic self, to my initial post on Draft intending to celebrate BIPOC success, and so I wrote the post, and published it. Within about thirty minutes, I received a private message from a fellow Draft member letting me know that a lot of what I had posted had triggered and/or hurt and/or traumatized members of color of the group, and they explained to me certain aspects of how I had done this via my narrative choices. I immediately deleted the post because I did NOT want to trigger anybody else, or cause anymore trauma, and since there had been no public emotional labor done in terms of a person of color explaining what was troubling to them about the post (which I would have most definitely left up to serve as a teachable moment and just for accountability's sake in general, as well as in recognition of the emotional labor that would have been performed by said hypothetical person of color), I evaluated the situation and concluded that deleting it would be the wisest and most loving thing to do in that moment.
Later that day, because of the information shared with me via that private message, that my initial post had traumatized several members of the Draft community, I wrote a public apology post stating essentially what I told you above, that hurting or triggering BIPOC members of the community was the last thing I intended with my initial post, and that I welcomed anyone messaging me if they wanted to share how I had hurt them, or if they wanted to vent, or just be heard in general, and I would be happy to listen, and try to take to heart what they shared, so I could be a better ally/friend overall moving forward. This post (I still don't totally know why totally, tbh, but I tried to take it as an opportunity to take a step back and reflect, and just listen and learn more overall) resulted in a mute for three days, which I tried to understand as best I could, and which I actually messaged the moderator about privately and said thank you (I don't believe the moderator has read or seen my message, at least as of this writing), and apologized once again for any hurt I had caused to vulnerable members of the community. I also said to please let me know if there was any further action I needed to take from a reparational standpoint, and that I would be happy to do it.
After I took some time to reflect on the words in my post (I do regret deleting it without saving it, because I unfortunately don't have a textual record of it to better reflect/analyze how what I said could have harmed people of color, so I can adjust any future communications I make accordingly), I DMed (for the second time) the person who had initially alerted me to the discomfort my initial post had caused for Draft members of color, and thanked them for taking the time to speak up and let me know the issue right away so I could prevent any further damage/harm from being done via my words in my initial post. I also just wanted to let them know that, after taking some time to reflect, I could see how one of the points they had made in their initial message (essentially, how a post that seemed to intend celebration ended up (via the aforementioned expression of my feelings, and talking about how the events of this past year had moved me to my core) ended up centering myself and my feelings instead, and triggering/traumatizing members accordingly), and that their words had had an impact on me, and I appreciated them taking the time to write out their message to me, especially because I was conscious that it must have taken emotional labor on their end to do so. They responded, and I was told by them that their silence to my initial message should have been clue enough that they weren't inviting any further responses from me, and that my message saying, "Hey, I heard you; your words impacted me," was still centering myself and my feelings, that they weren't inviting any further communication from me, and that I should not message them any longer, especially as a way to work out my "white guilt." I just said, "Absolutely. No problem," and left it at that.
I took a step back at that point, and tried to understand, the best I could, if there was anything I could have done or said better, reflect on what I could learn from this experience, etc. I tried to just post congratulatory messages from thereon out, and, again, on Friday, a few days back, pretty spontaneously, I decided to share my joy in a decision I'd made about the next chapter in my life (moving to South Bend), and I explained a little about what had inspired me to make this decision. I was just (and still am!) really excited and enthusiastic about this decision, and I wanted to share my joy with the group because the past few months in Draft (and here on GradCafe) had inspired some of my thought processes that had led to my decision to move to South Bend. What I learned via feedback, is, in hindsight, a pretty self-evidential lesson, that the information I provided in my "life update" post, in no way could encapsulate how much this decision in my life was the result of undercurrents in my life that had been occurring for sixteen years, and that it wasn't just a rash decision (which I can understand why people concluded that, based off the limited text they had in front of them) in reaction to getting rejected from Notre Dame. In essence, I wanted to share my joy, and just encourage people to keep persisting after this year, and just emphasize that rejection didn't have to be the end of things, and, hey, look, here's a practical example in my own life that I think shows this, and that I'm pretty stoked (and of course terrified, in a good way) to take action on in the next few months.
The final facet of choosing to leave, ultimately, for me, came from reactions to a comment I made on a member's decision to accept a school's offer yesterday. I essentially said how proud I was of them (phrasing I've used on pretty much every congratulations statement I've made thus far), and used the phrase, "Kid, you're going places!!" and this member commented that they felt infantilized via that statement. I apologized, stated that it's a moniker I use regularly with people in my life, essentially as a term of endearment/figure of speech (much like, "You go, girl!" or "Rock on, homie!" or something to that effect). A moderator also stated that that choice of language was infantilizing and that I needed to cut it out. I once again apologized, said that was truly the last thing I intended, and tried to reiterate what a tremendous accomplishment this member's acceptance was, and that it had been a joy seeing this member's journey of successful acceptances, and I just tried to keep my responses more professionally-toned after that, and respect this member's wishes.
I actually wrestled with leaving Draft, because I asked myself if I was reacting this way due to white fragility, was I letting members of the group down by bowing out--essentially, was I making a cowardly decision?--and was my leaving implicitly affirming a narrative that people of color can't express their opinions strongly, and that some "white lady's tears" took precedence yet again in online discussions, and that it was essentially a situation of, "Oh geez, another white lady can't take the heat and do the internal work necessary to confront racism inside herself," which, again, is the last thing I wanted to propitiate, either online or off.
At the end of the day, though, I looked at myself, and I know that I am committed to doing the ugly work, however much time it takes. I don't need to blast that or advertise that, and I'd like to believe that my actions (and my words) will speak to that without the need to go round and round online, or to blast it from the skies that, "I'M AN ALLY, LOOK AT ME!!" As another layer, I also have spent the better part of the last ten years holding myself back from things that truly made me happy (read: writing, reading, writing my novel), because I was angry at myself for a decision I made years back, and I used self-anger as a mechanism of self-protection to keep my heart from getting hurt again by myself. Especially this past year, I have worked really, really hard, to see myself as worthy of love, kindness, respect, and dignity, and to treat myself as such, and to take concrete risks on myself again, to give myself a chance to succeed (and fail), and to just let myself be freaking happy and live. After the recent chain of events in Draft, I noticed myself second-guessing almost everything I said, and being hesitant to continue my work and contributions to and towards other groups, journals, and movements (both online and offline) that I've become involved in over this past year (before ever joining Draft) that have involved a lot of anti-racism advocacy, discussions, and really fruitful friendships and moments of learning for me, and being in Draft was quickly turning into it being more of a yucky mental path I was going down, especially one of over-analysis, which, frankly, with all the upcoming commitments and events happening in my life, I just don't have time for right now, nor do I want to make time for, in terms of engaging in that type of harmful internal interplay.
In Draft, it seemed like what I was saying was hurting people more than helping them, and I realized that there was also the context that, as much as Draft has been a fun place and a place of laughter and learning, the reality is that Draft members don't know the entire context of my life and heart the way that family and friends in my life do, and because my writing is just an extension of my heart, ultimately, I guess I made that same presumption of intimacy and contextualization of who I am as a person in the way I wrote on Draft, when that clearly was not the case (nor, could it be--these people have only "known" me, persay, for a few months). I decided to remove myself from the group, for my own mental wellbeing, as a conscious act of love to myself to use my time and mental energy productively, fruitfully, and lovingly, and to avoid making any more contributions that were seeming to just create more problems than anything, especially for the members of color of the group, who already have enough on their plates to deal with.
Per usual, this post was a lot longer than intended (of course, ha), but I didn't want to continue to participate in an environment where my contributions were not seeming to bring any more life or joy to the very communities I have committed my career and heart to amplifying and encouraging, and where I saw some yucky, unkind negative mental health things starting to wrest my attention from things that matter to me in my own self, too; so, I quit. I didn't mean to worry anyone or anything; I just decided to exit for the greater good, both my own and the group's, and I'm happy with my decision. It certainly frees up more time on my end, ha!
Also--I stopped posting here as much, because I wasn't getting anything else done in my life, and I was neglecting my responsibilities, lol! I've kept up with this thread somewhat, and am very glad to see everyone's successes here as well.
Overall, I'd like to wish congratulations to everyone, I wish everyone the best of luck on their programs, decisions, writing, and future applications, please know I'm doing well, and God bless you all! If someone who is still on Draft wants to let people on there know I'm all right, and copy and paste any part of this post on there so people there are in the loop, and/or aren't worrying unnecessarily, please feel free to do so.
I hope everyone remains well, and I hope y'all are getting excited for spring.
Yes I did! I'm going to be going into the BISI program and I'm so excited to move to Maryland and I'd love to get to know absolutely anyone who's going to be there at the same time!!
Congratulations! Just got a poetry waitlist notification from them as well.
Was yours pretty generic? I didn't get any info about numbers, possibilities, etc, unlike my Hopkins waitlist note.
Also got my Iowa rejection in the mail today, so that's all for me: 1a (VCU), 2w (UVA, Hopkins), 3r (Syracuse, Cornell, IWW). My first round of applications and, while of course I would've loved to get in everywhere, overall I'm delighted with how this turned out!
I didn't get a waitlist for Maryland (congrats everyone who got in I cheered for you all!!) so that probably means rejection. With UVA and Boston my only other two options, Rutgers being radio silent, and Temple not coming through with funding, I may have to call it a year.
Honestly, I was more upset about it a week ago. It was mainly because I hinged ALL of my plans and aspirations for the upcoming year on going to grad school, and I didn't even entertain the idea that I might be able to use my time in a different way. I had a breakthrough this week, and I realized that I was allowed to be sad about this, but I had so many other options for how to spend my year.
My girlfriend and I are currently looking for apartments together, and I have it in good standing that my university may be willing to give me an adjunct position next year with only a BA, because I have assisted in teaching composition before. I might even be able to read for our lit mag for another year, which would be so great!
In short, thank you all for your support. I'll let you guys know how my final decisions pan out, but I'll be lurking until then.
If I get a miracle, you guys will be the first to know ❤️
See you next year!
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