wtncffts

I think the whole tenor of your comments suggests that you're resigned to your situation: you talk about coping, etc. You have to realize that nothing's going to change if you don't make an effort. I certainly know that feeling: you're absolutely miserable in your situation but you are so accustomed to it that you can't even imagine anything else. I think it's right that you seek psychological support, but there are a few things you could do to create a sense of separation from your mother right now.

For instance, you've talked about being 'forced' to surrender your savings, etc. I'm assuming, and correct me if I'm wrong, that means you're somehow dependent on your mother financially, i.e., you have joint accounts or something, such that you can't do anything without her. If that's the case, you should set up your own accounts and make sure your earnings are deposited there. That way you'll have complete and exclusive control over your finances.

Second, do not rely on your mother or her car for transportation, or do so as little as possible. I know that sounds small and kind of trivial, but I'd suggest that depending on her to go anywhere only reinforces your actual and psychological dependence. Take public transportation, walk, get a bike, whatever you need to do to inculcate in yourself a sense of independence.

I know you say you can't move out, but I think it's really a necessary and vital step. Especially from your last post, you whole living environment seems incredibly toxic and damaging. See if you can move in with friends, even for a short time, or look for a roommate to lower the costs.

Going back to my first points, you absolutely must stop thinking of yourself as a victim; it's self-reinforcing and destructive. You are an adult; you are an autonomous human being of independent moral worth, and you cannot be forced to do what you don't want to do. In a real sense, it isn't your mother who is, for instance, forcing you to apply to grad school (what does that even look like?), but you forcing yourself to obey your mother. This you have to break out of.

of course not. I'm not really sure what you expect, especially since you're talking about a top 50 school. If it were a 'degree mill' versus a top ranked school, it would make sense. But do you really think just because a school is ranked by some external actor using some highly flawed methodology as lower than another, they dumb down the work? Any good university's goal is to produce the best scholars and researchers possible.

EDIT: I suppose that depending on faculty expertise some particular schools would have advanced courses that others wouldn't, but I don't think that has much to do with ranking. The material is out there, it's not exclusive. It's not like Harvard or wherever has a monopoly on superadvanced califragilistics.

I'm truly sorry you're in this situation. It sounds awful. However, I have to say that you need to have some courage, stand up for yourself, and be an adult. Unless there's some real coercion going on which you didn't mention, nobody is 'forcing' you to go to school. Move out, or move to another city; do whatever you need to do. You have no say in how you run your life because you're allowing yourself to be dictated to. As for the degree, it's absolutely silly to think a Fine Arts degree of any stripe is going to guarantee a six-figure salary. Certainly not an MFA. Get out now.

I'm truly sorry you're in this situation. It sounds awful. However, I have to say that you need to have some courage, stand up for yourself, and be an adult. Unless there's some real coercion going on which you didn't mention, nobody is 'forcing' you to go to school. Move out, or move to another city; do whatever you need to do. You have no say in how you run your life because you're allowing yourself to be dictated to. As for the degree, it's absolutely silly to think a Fine Arts degree of any stripe is going to guarantee a six-figure salary. Certainly not an MFA. Get out now.

From a pamphlet I found at a nearby health-centre yesterday afternoon:

In a relationship, have you ever experienced:

1. physical violence?
2. threats that the person will abandon you if you don't do what he or she says?
3. being kept away from friends and family members?
4. not being allowed to speak to other people?
5. having to justify your whereabouts?
6. the other person using guilt trips to get his or her own way?
7. not being able to go out without the other person?
8. any put-downs about your physical appearance?
9. the other person never being satisfied with you?
10. fear or intimidation from the other person?
11. being treated badly or humiliated in front of friends or family members?

If you answered 'yes' to one or more of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy relationship.

Call 911 or your local police immediately if you are in danger.

United States Domestic Violence Resources by State
National Network to End Domestic Violence
The Hotline

(psycholinguist again: the links above are American counterparts to the Canadian ones listed in this brochure. Also, note that 'domestic violence' isn't at all limited to physical violence, nor to romantic relationships! Wikipedia cites this scholarly definition of 'domestic violence': "a pattern of abusive behaviors by one or both partners in an intimate relationship such as marriage, dating, family, friends or cohabitation". From the same book is a definition of economic abuse: "Preventing [the victim] from getting or keeping a job; making [the victim] ask for money; giving [the victim] a [tiny] allowance; taking [the victim's] money; not letting [the victim] know about or have access to family income". In other words, the fact that you don't have enough money to escape is ITSELF a sign of dominance and control, and it's exactly what your mother wants.

Yeah, I agree. It's not the content, which may very well be on to something (I'm Canadian, so can't relate), but the form, which is textbook spam.

God, this makes me so sad and, frankly, a little frustrated. The whole "suicide will always be an available option" hits very close to home, but speaks to an already defeated mindset. I'm telling you, as long as you believe that, you'll never have the courage to change. It seems like you're just utterly defeated and unable to see anything beyond that, hoping for some sort of miracle which will take you away. And I have to say, have you considered any of the advice which has been given in this thread? It seems like it's all just passed you by.

I literally have no idea what you mean when you say you can't afford to leave home. I think I recall earlier in this thread you did have a job of some sort, so you must have some savings. Even if you don't, I'm sure you have enough resources to take a bus somewhere, anywhere. I'm also curious, as the above reply, to know whereabouts you live, because I can't imagine that there's anywhere in the US where you have absolutely no options. If that's indeed the case, you need to move to where the opportunities are, but you also need to be humble and willing to do hard things and live frugally. It seems to me that, despite the horrible psychological issues, you're fundamentally comfortable where you are and are unwilling to accept 'lower' standards of living.

I also don't understand the obsession with six figures. Why, exactly, do you need to make that much, and why is anything less a failure? A tenure track assistant professor's starting salary is in the 50 to 60,000 range. According to a quick check on wikipedia, the median salary for a FULL professor is $98,974. By you or your mother's standards, this is failure. Ridiculous.

Again, I have to reiterate my frustration and sadness that you're in such a place as to consider suicide an "always available option". I know how impossible it is for you to see beyond your own circumstances, to get beyond the psychological blocks. But everyone here has given good advice. It's up to you to act on it. Sometimes you just have to take that leap into the unknown.

I think the whole tenor of your comments suggests that you're resigned to your situation: you talk about coping, etc. You have to realize that nothing's going to change if you don't make an effort. I certainly know that feeling: you're absolutely miserable in your situation but you are so accustomed to it that you can't even imagine anything else. I think it's right that you seek psychological support, but there are a few things you could do to create a sense of separation from your mother right now.

For instance, you've talked about being 'forced' to surrender your savings, etc. I'm assuming, and correct me if I'm wrong, that means you're somehow dependent on your mother financially, i.e., you have joint accounts or something, such that you can't do anything without her. If that's the case, you should set up your own accounts and make sure your earnings are deposited there. That way you'll have complete and exclusive control over your finances.

Second, do not rely on your mother or her car for transportation, or do so as little as possible. I know that sounds small and kind of trivial, but I'd suggest that depending on her to go anywhere only reinforces your actual and psychological dependence. Take public transportation, walk, get a bike, whatever you need to do to inculcate in yourself a sense of independence.

I know you say you can't move out, but I think it's really a necessary and vital step. Especially from your last post, you whole living environment seems incredibly toxic and damaging. See if you can move in with friends, even for a short time, or look for a roommate to lower the costs.

Going back to my first points, you absolutely must stop thinking of yourself as a victim; it's self-reinforcing and destructive. You are an adult; you are an autonomous human being of independent moral worth, and you cannot be forced to do what you don't want to do. In a real sense, it isn't your mother who is, for instance, forcing you to apply to grad school (what does that even look like?), but you forcing yourself to obey your mother. This you have to break out of.

I'm truly sorry you're in this situation. It sounds awful. However, I have to say that you need to have some courage, stand up for yourself, and be an adult. Unless there's some real coercion going on which you didn't mention, nobody is 'forcing' you to go to school. Move out, or move to another city; do whatever you need to do. You have no say in how you run your life because you're allowing yourself to be dictated to. As for the degree, it's absolutely silly to think a Fine Arts degree of any stripe is going to guarantee a six-figure salary. Certainly not an MFA. Get out now.

I think the whole tenor of your comments suggests that you're resigned to your situation: you talk about coping, etc. You have to realize that nothing's going to change if you don't make an effort. I certainly know that feeling: you're absolutely miserable in your situation but you are so accustomed to it that you can't even imagine anything else. I think it's right that you seek psychological support, but there are a few things you could do to create a sense of separation from your mother right now.

For instance, you've talked about being 'forced' to surrender your savings, etc. I'm assuming, and correct me if I'm wrong, that means you're somehow dependent on your mother financially, i.e., you have joint accounts or something, such that you can't do anything without her. If that's the case, you should set up your own accounts and make sure your earnings are deposited there. That way you'll have complete and exclusive control over your finances.

Second, do not rely on your mother or her car for transportation, or do so as little as possible. I know that sounds small and kind of trivial, but I'd suggest that depending on her to go anywhere only reinforces your actual and psychological dependence. Take public transportation, walk, get a bike, whatever you need to do to inculcate in yourself a sense of independence.

I know you say you can't move out, but I think it's really a necessary and vital step. Especially from your last post, you whole living environment seems incredibly toxic and damaging. See if you can move in with friends, even for a short time, or look for a roommate to lower the costs.

Going back to my first points, you absolutely must stop thinking of yourself as a victim; it's self-reinforcing and destructive. You are an adult; you are an autonomous human being of independent moral worth, and you cannot be forced to do what you don't want to do. In a real sense, it isn't your mother who is, for instance, forcing you to apply to grad school (what does that even look like?), but you forcing yourself to obey your mother. This you have to break out of.

I think the whole tenor of your comments suggests that you're resigned to your situation: you talk about coping, etc. You have to realize that nothing's going to change if you don't make an effort. I certainly know that feeling: you're absolutely miserable in your situation but you are so accustomed to it that you can't even imagine anything else. I think it's right that you seek psychological support, but there are a few things you could do to create a sense of separation from your mother right now.

For instance, you've talked about being 'forced' to surrender your savings, etc. I'm assuming, and correct me if I'm wrong, that means you're somehow dependent on your mother financially, i.e., you have joint accounts or something, such that you can't do anything without her. If that's the case, you should set up your own accounts and make sure your earnings are deposited there. That way you'll have complete and exclusive control over your finances.

Second, do not rely on your mother or her car for transportation, or do so as little as possible. I know that sounds small and kind of trivial, but I'd suggest that depending on her to go anywhere only reinforces your actual and psychological dependence. Take public transportation, walk, get a bike, whatever you need to do to inculcate in yourself a sense of independence.

I know you say you can't move out, but I think it's really a necessary and vital step. Especially from your last post, you whole living environment seems incredibly toxic and damaging. See if you can move in with friends, even for a short time, or look for a roommate to lower the costs.

Going back to my first points, you absolutely must stop thinking of yourself as a victim; it's self-reinforcing and destructive. You are an adult; you are an autonomous human being of independent moral worth, and you cannot be forced to do what you don't want to do. In a real sense, it isn't your mother who is, for instance, forcing you to apply to grad school (what does that even look like?), but you forcing yourself to obey your mother. This you have to break out of.

I'm truly sorry you're in this situation. It sounds awful. However, I have to say that you need to have some courage, stand up for yourself, and be an adult. Unless there's some real coercion going on which you didn't mention, nobody is 'forcing' you to go to school. Move out, or move to another city; do whatever you need to do. You have no say in how you run your life because you're allowing yourself to be dictated to. As for the degree, it's absolutely silly to think a Fine Arts degree of any stripe is going to guarantee a six-figure salary. Certainly not an MFA. Get out now.

It's strange I didn't see this thread earlier. I was going to start one for UWO but didn't see anyone else in the last few months even applying to Western. Glad to see some others! I'm excited to start, although, to be really honest, I'm somewhat less excited about the town than the university and my program itself. Not that it looks dreadful, just that, coming from Vancouver, and doing my MA in Montreal, it seems so much more 'small town'-ish. I'm looking for places constantly (btw, I'm having a hard time finding places for August or September - I guess I just have to wait until it gets closer?), but many seem to be in the middle of nowhere, and I've noticed the public transit isn't great. It seems difficult to find places close to bus routes to UWO which are also close to things I need to be within walking distance, since I don't have a car: supermarkets, drugstores, etc. I'm sure I'll learn to love London, and in any case, I'll be spending most of my time at the university anyway, but I just haven't found myself warming to it yet.

And poliscijunkie, if you're around, we'll be in the same department! Are you an MA or PhD? What are your interests? PM me if you want to talk, it'd be great to get to know a future colleague.

Others will vouch for this, but I've consistently read that grades don't matter on the job market. If you can publish, write a good dissertation, get teaching experience, and present yourself and your work well at job talks, interviews, etc. nobody will care that you got a B instead of an A in coursework.

Now, if you truly do consider yourself a 'weak candidate' regardless of the grades, and don't have the passion anymore for academia, by all means, do what you think would make you happier. But if you're still enjoying your academic life, and are funded, I don't see why you should quit now.

Like the other responses, I'm confused by the choice here. You got into these programs, so I'm not questioning your credentials, but these are two entirely different fields. It's not like a Mercedes and a Ford, it's like choosing between an automobile and, say, a boat. They're different vehicles for different purposes. At this point, you should know which field is more appealing to you; I agree with the above that the question of funding is separate. The question of which path is "more likely to be survivable and intellectually fulfilling" is entirely dependent on your passion and curiosity in each field.

Having said that, it sounds like you're much more invested in public policy than English, in which case it comes down to taking an unfunded PhD now or applying again, hoping for a funded offer. Personally, I would do the latter; it's almost never a good idea to do an unfunded PhD.

Others will vouch for this, but I've consistently read that grades don't matter on the job market. If you can publish, write a good dissertation, get teaching experience, and present yourself and your work well at job talks, interviews, etc. nobody will care that you got a B instead of an A in coursework.

Now, if you truly do consider yourself a 'weak candidate' regardless of the grades, and don't have the passion anymore for academia, by all means, do what you think would make you happier. But if you're still enjoying your academic life, and are funded, I don't see why you should quit now.

My mother is a nurse's aide (or care aide, I think is the actual title), and, yes, you do have to do a lot of 'dirty work', since you basically attend to all the patients' non-medical needs. i guess it also depends on what kind of facility it is; my mom works at a seniors' facility where most of the residents are incapacitated to some extent, and many have alzheimer's, etc. I know you didn't mean to sound condescending, but I consider my mom the hardest working, most dedicated person I know, and hearing about the things she does at work makes me feel a tinge of absurdity every time I complain about the 'difficulty' of academia.

I don't know, though, how much such a job is preparation for nursing. They seem like quite different jobs, and I don't believe going from nurse's aide to nursing is common. I guess to the extent that you will simply gain experience being in the healthcare environment, it would be useful.

So, I've recently learned that a former student of mine (as a TA) is a candidate in the federal election up here, and has some chance of winning and becoming an MP (Member of parliament). Keep in mind, I had him in 09-10 and he's still a student at that university. I have absolutely nothing against the kid; he was one of the better students in the class. But since learning of this, I can't shake the feeling that I've had off and on many times, mostly when hearing about people I knew in school (not close friends but acquaintances) who seem to be working their dream job or succeeding in what they want to do.

The feeling essentially is that I'm terribly unsuccessful and going nowhere, always in the process of getting there, but never arriving, that things, events, the world is just passing me by and I've missed whatever opportunities I may have had. I don't think it's jealousy or envy at all, in that I have absolutely no desire to run for office or to do the various other things which have sometimes prompted this feeling. That is, I'm not thinking "I wish I was in their place", but rather something like "I wish I could be succeeding as they seem to be". It is completely irrational and absurd, but it gnaws at me.

I know by any standard I'm doing well and doing what I want to do; I have an MA and will be entering a PhD program in the Fall. Still, I've been in post-secondary education now for almost 9 years, will have four or five more, at least, and have not accomplished anything I've wanted to accomplish (at least it feels that way), and seeing people of my age and younger seemingly accomplish so much has this terrible effect on me. Maybe it's also, at least this time, because I've been rather idle and unproductive the past few months while working on and then waiting for applications and results, and so I kind of feel like I'm stuck in mud. Whatever psychological neurosis is screwing with me right now, I really hope I can get over it soon.

Anyone had similar feelings? I have acknowledged how ridiculous all this is and completely accept that there are no reasonable grounds for me to feel this way, so there's no need to say it. I guess I'm kind of just hoping for some reassurance that I'm in a good place and really am going somewhere, and that others sometimes experience such absurd feelings in reaction to perceived success of others. However, if you do want to call me a whiner and other, worse, things, have at it. Maybe I do need a kick in the butt to be rid of this.

So, I've recently learned that a former student of mine (as a TA) is a candidate in the federal election up here, and has some chance of winning and becoming an MP (Member of parliament). Keep in mind, I had him in 09-10 and he's still a student at that university. I have absolutely nothing against the kid; he was one of the better students in the class. But since learning of this, I can't shake the feeling that I've had off and on many times, mostly when hearing about people I knew in school (not close friends but acquaintances) who seem to be working their dream job or succeeding in what they want to do.

The feeling essentially is that I'm terribly unsuccessful and going nowhere, always in the process of getting there, but never arriving, that things, events, the world is just passing me by and I've missed whatever opportunities I may have had. I don't think it's jealousy or envy at all, in that I have absolutely no desire to run for office or to do the various other things which have sometimes prompted this feeling. That is, I'm not thinking "I wish I was in their place", but rather something like "I wish I could be succeeding as they seem to be". It is completely irrational and absurd, but it gnaws at me.

I know by any standard I'm doing well and doing what I want to do; I have an MA and will be entering a PhD program in the Fall. Still, I've been in post-secondary education now for almost 9 years, will have four or five more, at least, and have not accomplished anything I've wanted to accomplish (at least it feels that way), and seeing people of my age and younger seemingly accomplish so much has this terrible effect on me. Maybe it's also, at least this time, because I've been rather idle and unproductive the past few months while working on and then waiting for applications and results, and so I kind of feel like I'm stuck in mud. Whatever psychological neurosis is screwing with me right now, I really hope I can get over it soon.

Anyone had similar feelings? I have acknowledged how ridiculous all this is and completely accept that there are no reasonable grounds for me to feel this way, so there's no need to say it. I guess I'm kind of just hoping for some reassurance that I'm in a good place and really am going somewhere, and that others sometimes experience such absurd feelings in reaction to perceived success of others. However, if you do want to call me a whiner and other, worse, things, have at it. Maybe I do need a kick in the butt to be rid of this.

I apologize if my post sounded patronizing, I honestly did not mean it so. I thought the point I was trying to make was that the GRE is a poor indicator of one's intelligence and/or the time spent in studying for it. If I could get pretty high scores without much prep beforehand, and some people get worse scores after studying more, it seems to me there's not much point in general to spending a lot of money and time on it. If you're really rusty on math, I think it does make sense to brush up on the basics, but from what I remember the GRE does not require much more than high school level math. I didn't intend to brag about my "natural talent"; I admitted that much of my GRE performance was luck. I happened to get questions for which I happened to be able to figure out the answer. Believe me, I've done GRE practice tests since and I haven't done as well.

As for my first statement, I merely meant that I don't get this philosophy because I don't understand how it works. I mean, how do you know when you've 'studied enough' to reach that critical level? And when you have, do you just stop? I remember when I was a TA and students used to ask me straight out things like "What is the minimum I can do to get a B on my paper", and I was befuddled. I've just never thought like that.

I don't mean to be flippant, but your 'goal' should really be 800 on each. I never understood the studying philosophy of aiming for a particular grade rather than just preparing as much as possible and doing your best.

For the preparation, I have to say my GRE scores (770 on each part) were obtained through luck and, frankly, previous education. I did no studying at all but for flipping through a guide in a bookstore a couple days prior. I don't know if there's any correlation at all between paying hundreds or thousands of dollars on 'GRE courses' or books and actual performance. The posts on this forum make me think that there's no relation, or even a negative one - I've read some people have gotten worse scores after such efforts.

Edit: I did do the free Powerprep tests, but not very rigorously, just to see the kinds of questions that would be asked.

Well, I can't say I ever thought much about what I had accomplished compared to others. Rather, I felt that I had made choices that had, ultimately, left me in a place I didn't particularly want to remain in. Typical stay-at-home mom story -- put aside my goals to deal with raising kids. Now the kids are teens taking college classes. I felt that I had had my opportunities in life,and that I had chosen a different path. I wasn't really sure what I could do now. I was really afraid it was "too late" for me -- my hard-earned credentials were now all outdated, I didn't have much in the way of work experience, etc. Fortunately, I started taking classes and met great people who advised me not to let age, time home, or any other "excuses" keep me from whatever it might be that I wanted to do. So now I, too, am going to be starting a PhD program in the fall, and I am super excited (and more than a little terrified). I'm sure it's going to be challenging, but I have a great support network in place now, and it feels like the right thing to be doing and the right time to be doing it. Don't focus on the past -- you can't change it. You still have time to accomplish great things.

I didn't say that humility was the exclusive purpose of the peace corps. Of course I know people use it for career advancement, experience, and so on. But I don't get the attitude that it entitles you to being accepted or on the waitlist; your original post certainly made it sound like they owe you something. Now, you're right, I don't know anything about the program. If they say they give 'special consideration' which you feel wasn't extended in your case, then fine. You're entitled to feel however you want. But unless they somehow have a policy of accepting all peace corps volunteers regardless, I don't see, frankly, why you're special. Do you think others, those who got in and others rejected, haven't worked just as hard as you and don't deserve it just as much as you? It's a competitive process. Many of us feel like we've worked hard enough and have received rejections. Again, if the process was arbitrary, that is cause for complaint, but only on that basis and not because of your situation. And I'm sorry if I misread your views; I'm only going by what you've said, and it does seem to me that it boils down to "Hey, I was in the peace corps, now accept me. Anything less is an insult." To me, that is false entitlement.

I didn't say that humility was the exclusive purpose of the peace corps. Of course I know people use it for career advancement, experience, and so on. But I don't get the attitude that it entitles you to being accepted or on the waitlist; your original post certainly made it sound like they owe you something. Now, you're right, I don't know anything about the program. If they say they give 'special consideration' which you feel wasn't extended in your case, then fine. You're entitled to feel however you want. But unless they somehow have a policy of accepting all peace corps volunteers regardless, I don't see, frankly, why you're special. Do you think others, those who got in and others rejected, haven't worked just as hard as you and don't deserve it just as much as you? It's a competitive process. Many of us feel like we've worked hard enough and have received rejections. Again, if the process was arbitrary, that is cause for complaint, but only on that basis and not because of your situation. And I'm sorry if I misread your views; I'm only going by what you've said, and it does seem to me that it boils down to "Hey, I was in the peace corps, now accept me. Anything less is an insult." To me, that is false entitlement.

I didn't say that humility was the exclusive purpose of the peace corps. Of course I know people use it for career advancement, experience, and so on. But I don't get the attitude that it entitles you to being accepted or on the waitlist; your original post certainly made it sound like they owe you something. Now, you're right, I don't know anything about the program. If they say they give 'special consideration' which you feel wasn't extended in your case, then fine. You're entitled to feel however you want. But unless they somehow have a policy of accepting all peace corps volunteers regardless, I don't see, frankly, why you're special. Do you think others, those who got in and others rejected, haven't worked just as hard as you and don't deserve it just as much as you? It's a competitive process. Many of us feel like we've worked hard enough and have received rejections. Again, if the process was arbitrary, that is cause for complaint, but only on that basis and not because of your situation. And I'm sorry if I misread your views; I'm only going by what you've said, and it does seem to me that it boils down to "Hey, I was in the peace corps, now accept me. Anything less is an insult." To me, that is false entitlement.