Making a school choice with your significant other in mind

[ROM]

I'm sure this must come up frequently. I feel smooshed between a rock and a hard place. Boyfriend of 7 years has uprooted his life to come do a post-bac year with me in a part of the country he dislikes very much. I've now been accepted to masters programs for fall near here, back where we're from and where he wants to go back to, and a couple of other places in the country. I should really go to the best program I got into, which is not somewhere he wants to live. (He works for himself & from home, and therefore can technically work anywhere. I am grateful for that fact, but also don't want to abuse it.) I feel really guilty for dragging him somewhere he is so miserable. And I can't believe I'm in the position again where I have to choose between what's best for me and what's best for our relationship. We'll be getting married when I'm done with my masters program, so this isn't some trivial fling I should disregard. My decision about location for my masters program is crucial both to the success of our relationship, and to my career. Unfortunately they're opposite scenarios.

What's the best way to deal with a stubborn significant other when it comes to making grad school decisions??

I've definitely heard the "if he really loves you, he'll understand..." argument. And it's true, but I also don't want to suffer through another 2 years of bullshit relationship drama because he hates where we are; especially not while attempting a rigorous masters program.

[000]

You're not gonna like this, but if your boyfriend works from home, has been with you for seven years, and isn't saying with complete sincerity that you should go to the best program you get into even if it's in the middle of freakin' Siberia, you should really be re-evaluating your relationship. That's outrageous.

[gcp]

I'm going to have to disagree with 000. Relationships are about compromise, and the "best" program is not always the ones that fit for you (and this isn't just having the right supervisor, but also family, financial, friends etc. etc.). It is amazing that he can move to be with you, and shows a lot that he will (and has before). I understand your concerns, as I am also in a long-term relationship (6 years; have a house, dog together), and have been accepted into PhD programs in the US (from Canada). While there are lots of great programs that could have fit for me, I only applied to those in the same time zone, so that a long-distance relationship could work... he has a very location specific job that he LOVES. So there is always room for compromise. Long-distance (crappy but doable), going to the best school with a bad location, or somewhere you both want to be and has a good program. So much of your experience will be dictated by your home life and your ability to enjoy and focus on school, and that may be a lot easier in a place where he is also happy. Given that he is making some big sacrifices to support your dreams, it's not "outrageous" for him to express some of his own opinions on where you go TOGETHER.

[UnlikelyGrad]

So much of your experience will be dictated by your home life and your ability to enjoy and focus on school, and that may be a lot easier in a place where he is also happy. Given that he is making some big sacrifices to support your dreams, it's not "outrageous" for him to express some of his own opinions on where you go TOGETHER.

I second this.

[000]

Oh, I certainly wasn't suggesting that relationships are not about compromise; quite the opposite, really. And I probably jumped the gun given that I do not have all the facts. But here we are comparing "does not like location, does not affect career, only lasts two years," versus "dramatically affects career prospects." Seems like a no-brainer to me. If he has an amazing location-specific job, or he has family that needs to be taken care of (not just that he wants to be able to see all the time), then that's a completely different situation.

The way the OP presented it, she has a choice that rises above the others in the worst location. The boyfriend should jump at the chance to get this. In his situation, I'd swallow my opinion about location and never even attempt to convince my SO to go somewhere else for my sake, because her future is infinitely more important than where I live for two years.

Edited March 20, 2010 by Guest

[fuzzylogician]

Assuming that you only applied to schools that you would like to go to and are good fits, I think you should be mindful of your boyfriend's wishes. He's already moved with you once so he knows he doesn't like the surroundings where you are right now, and it's not like he didn't make the effort. On the other hand, you have a viable option at a location that he prefers. Seems like a no-brainer to me. An important part of your graduate career is of course the program you go to, fit, etc., but a no less important part is what you go home to. Your relationship will most probably suffer if he is unhappy, and that can't help but hurt your research as well. Bottom line, I think you should choose the option that gives the best work-home balance.

[ootg]

Have you spoken to your boyfriend about this? Ask him for his opinions. I think it will help in the relationship too.

My partner chose to do a PhD in a local institution to be with me, but guess what? The university decided to close the campus (an overseas campus) after admission. That meant moving overseas and the main reason for choosing the school disappeared!

[ROM]

We've talked plenty about the situation...good conversations, teary conversations, a little bit of yelling, laughter. He does seem to understand that if going to the top-5 school in the place he'd rather not be translates to me making more money and getting a job in a situation I prefer and opening up better prospects for further education beyond the masters than the lower-tier school would, then that seems like the logical choice. But his attitude is still "I'll do it but I'm not gonna like it." Which makes me feel guilty. It's kind of shitty.

I think the trick is for me to a.) get some more evidence that the difference between school A and school B really DOES translate to significant differences in my future career, but in reality maybe it doesn't truly matter. Part of the problem is the vast assortment of unknowns about a program that can never really become clear until one takes the plunge (and then of course has no way to judge the path not taken). And b.) I should find some sort of factor that would really shift his perspective about the place we'd live in when I accept the better school's offer. Maybe I am not playing it up enough.

The worst case scenario for me would be to accept the not-as-good school, but then realize it was a huge mistake and resent my boyfriend for it. Yet equally as bad is picking the better school and having our relationship fall apart, or at least be strained. I totally agree with fuzzylogician's point about the best work-home balance.

le sigh. Thanks for everyone's input, it helps to see some other perspectives.

Edited March 21, 2010 by SDorUWslp

[ScreamingHairyArmadillo]

He works from home and you're going for a 2 year degree?

Go there. He needs to get over it.

[peppermint.beatnik]

You're not gonna like this, but if your boyfriend works from home, has been with you for seven years, and isn't saying with complete sincerity that you should go to the best program you get into even if it's in the middle of freakin' Siberia, you should really be re-evaluating your relationship. That's outrageous.

I agree with this. Especially since it's short-term. You don't have to spend your life living there.

[oldlady]

Jobs come and go, but the best relationships last a lifetime, and all successful relationships are grounded in compromise. However, I neither made nor asked for compromises until I had a ring on my finger. Since that time, we've lived in four different cities -- I've moved twice for him, and he's moved twice for me -- and we've each held four different jobs. Neither of us has regretted any of the moves, and in May, we'll be married 13 years...

Edited March 22, 2010 by oldlady

[robinsparkles]

I agree with gcp, if your relationship is heading towards marriage then you should be able to compromise. I see you're going for SLP. My (very limited) knowledge of SLP programs from a couple of friends currently attending is that many people choose programs within the area they want to work after graduation. I suppose you'll make connections in grad school that will make it easier to get a job within that region. If this is the case, you and your boyfriend would be committing to a new city for longer than just 2 years. Have you thought about what you will be doing after graduation in terms of relocating or staying?

As I said, I am far from an expert on SLP programs so I am not quite sure how drastically a higher ranked program would improve your job opportunities. You mentioned you applied to several schools, are there any other programs you would consider? Choosing the right grad school isn't all about ranking-- if your quality of life will be miserable while you're in the top ranked school, I personally don't think it would be worth it.

[res2135]

In terms of SLP programs, what I have heard is that it does NOT matter where you get your degree from. All that matters is getting certified. So if I were you, unless you know you want to go on for a PhD in SLP, I'd go to the school in the area he wants to be. Everyone I have talked to about SLP programs has told me that as long as you're certified, where you went to school really is irrelevant.

[000]

If that's true about SLP, then it definitely makes sense to go to your favorite location.

But I just noticed your username... and I'd like to say, if this is still between SDSU and UW, your boy is nuts! I'm hoping you recently tossed a school from the deep south or something in there, because I can't imagine how and why someone could adamantly hate Seattle.

[Jota]

Uff, I'm in a similar situation. Unfortunately due to the laws of our great country my (European) partner of five years and soon to be spouse can't enter the US to accompany me (because we're both men). It's a real bitch when he can't even choose to be with me.

Edited March 23, 2010 by Jota

[oldlady]

Uff, I'm in a similar situation. Unfortunately due to the laws of our great country my (European) partner of five years and soon to be spouse can't enter the US to accompany me (because we're both men). It's a real bitch when he can't even choose to be with me.

I am angry on your behalf.

[Medievalmaniac]

I am angry on your behalf.

Me, too, Jota! It's so unfair, and so wrong, and - yeah.

For the main argument - I hope you get your situation sorted out to where you can accommodate both of you and your likes and dislikes. Seven years is a long time to be together - but honestly, if he knows there is a finite time during which you are getting this degree, and he loves you, he will either stay there with you while you finish out, move elsewhere and insist you do the degree and suck up the two year gap, end the relationship, or make it impossible for you to go where you (apparently) want to go via guilt tripping and/or threatening to break up over it. Which decision is right for you in the long run? I can't answer that, and I don't think any of us can. I will say that I chose a school for my then-husband, to accommodate what he wanted. Then, a year into the two year program, I had to leave the area immediately because we separated and he went stalker on me. Never finished that degree, and it has caused me trouble ever since....so, that's my cautionary tale on the idea of going anywhere based solely on an SO who does not have to move for his own job.

[Jota]

Thanks for the commiseration, all. No, you can never say never but I'm not in the least worried about the solvency of our relationship after my program if I choose to do my program in the US. You have to count gay relationships in dog years (because they don't tend to last very long and there are always lots of dogs in the park), so I'm pretty thrilled with what I have. I think regardless of the outcome this will be an exercise in emotional maturity!

-J

Me, too, Jota! It's so unfair, and so wrong, and - yeah.

For the main argument - I hope you get your situation sorted out to where you can accommodate both of you and your likes and dislikes. Seven years is a long time to be together - but honestly, if he knows there is a finite time during which you are getting this degree, and he loves you, he will either stay there with you while you finish out, move elsewhere and insist you do the degree and suck up the two year gap, end the relationship, or make it impossible for you to go where you (apparently) want to go via guilt tripping and/or threatening to break up over it. Which decision is right for you in the long run? I can't answer that, and I don't think any of us can. I will say that I chose a school for my then-husband, to accommodate what he wanted. Then, a year into the two year program, I had to leave the area immediately because we separated and he went stalker on me. Never finished that degree, and it has caused me trouble ever since....so, that's my cautionary tale on the idea of going anywhere based solely on an SO who does not have to move for his own job.