How to cope with forced schooling

[DrFaustus666]

I'm truly sorry you're in this situation. It sounds awful. However, I have to say that you need to have some courage, stand up for yourself, and be an adult. Unless there's some real coercion going on which you didn't mention, nobody is 'forcing' you to go to school. Move out, or move to another city; do whatever you need to do. You have no say in how you run your life because you're allowing yourself to be dictated to. As for the degree, it's absolutely silly to think a Fine Arts degree of any stripe is going to guarantee a six-figure salary. Certainly not an MFA. Get out now.

For what it's worth, I agree with this post 1000 times over. It's hard to say, and even harder to hear, but you must break out, by yourself and for yourself. And much better to do it while you're still young. As other posters have also said, some counseling will help you, and I strongly advise that too.

The question of whether you earn an MFA or PhD, or five PhD's, is really irrelevant. You mother is running your life, and you must take charge of it and break free of her.

Feel free to personal-message me if you'd like any further details, my own broad outlines are very, very similar though the details are totally different, in fact, opposite.

Been there done that. You don't want to follow in my footsteps.

Wishing you all the best!

John

Edited March 28, 2011 by DrFaustus666

[anonthropology]

I'm afraid I can't offer much advice, but I just wanted to say I read your story and I'm wishing you strength and good luck. I also agree with another poster's suggestion that you call the counseling center at your university and see if you can work out a time to go in, or at the very least whether they can suggest a hotline you could contact for help in the meantime.

[Just me]

Unfortunately the school is two hours from where I live and since I am not "allowed" to either drive by myself or take a bus down there, I pretty much haven't got a way to go. And no one to take me either. Soooo I think my best bet is remote help for the time being.

[wtncffts]

Unfortunately the school is two hours from where I live and since I am not "allowed" to either drive by myself or take a bus down there, I pretty much haven't got a way to go. And no one to take me either. Soooo I think my best bet is remote help for the time being.

I've been very sympathetic about your situation, but this: really? Are you telling me you can't go to school by yourself? Has your mother been taking you to school all this time? I've been hesitant, without really knowing the situation, to call for some kind of criminal/legal intervention, but this just seems completely screwed up. I know the advice 'grow up' isn't helpful at all, but you absolutely MUST start learning how to live independently. That you can't even do something as trivial as go to school on your own, for whatever reason, is extremely worrying.

[LJK]

You do go to this school for class though, right? Call counseling services, briefly outline your situation and see if you can have someone meet you at the time class meets. Or tell your mother that you have an extra required meeting. If there is a will there is a way, you just seem to have had the will sucked out of you. Don't make excuses, even good ones - just find a way to get help from your school, your community, the police, - aka someone in real life, not the cyber world - or nothing will change: your mom will run your life, you will be depressed about it and the hole you are in psychologically and financially will keep getting deeper. There are many good suggestions about how to take concrete steps on this thread - just start doing something, starting to create change is often the hardest part.

[fuzzylogician]

You are living in an unhealthy situation and you need to extricate yourself from it. You'll have to take active measures and get help from real people to do this. Given the state that you are in, I think that it's unrealistic to expect you to be able to leave home right this second -- you seem to be too dependent on your mother. As an important first step, it's good that you started seeking help online. The next step, however, is to also get help from people in your community, for starters from the counseling office at your school. There is good advice in this thread about how to get in touch with them. Start talking to someone, I can't stress enough how important it is to get someone else's perspective on the situation. I think that you are in many ways lost; you need to learn how to live as an independent adult. Start making a plan for yourself for what you'll do when you move out and how you'll live. This is something that you can research online - there are many resources out there: forums, blogs, advice columns, etc. that you can read so you can start assembling a picture of what it'll be like and what you need to know. Your plan should include things like moving out (deciding where to go to, researching areas you would want to live in - neighborhoods, rent, cost of living.. are there friends or other family members who you could move in with while you get your life together? ), getting a job, thinking about means of transportation, learning to do the cooking, cleaning, etc.; it's important to have an idea of what factors are important once you move away. You should get help from others when thinking about all these things, but this is something that you can start doing right now at home. Please remember that it is entirely within your power to do this. Every healthy adult moves out and becomes independent at some point in their lives, and you can do it too. Don't worry about what your mom will say or do; you need to take care of yourself, and right now the situation you are in is destructive. Starting to create change is often the hardest part, as LJK says, but you've already started! Now don't stop - instead move on to the next step. Do what you need to do so you can get out as soon as you can.

[Strangefox]

So I've just looked for hotlines and very quickly found this website: http://www.thehotline.org/

I don't know if it's for free but I guess it probably is.

And here you can send a message to this hotline and tell about your problems in writing: http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/contact-the-hotline/

Please call/write there and tell us the results.

Don't forget, we are all here to help you and support you.

Another useful link, to help you to define domestic violence: http://www.oprah.com...mestic-Violence

Edited March 30, 2011 by Strangefox

[Amalia222]

there's little point to getting an advanced degree in art unless you plan to teach, IMHO. the reality of the job market is that you may end up in a huge financial crisis after you graduate, thousands of dollars in debt (if not tens of thousands of dollars). I recommend doing some serious soul-searching about what you want to do. Graduate school is not for everyone. At the end of the day, you may be happiest looking for a job, leaving graduate school, and then spending a few years working towards paying back those loans. Most importantly, at 23, you need to move out and establish independence from your parents and your family. In my opinion, your family should only want whatever makes you happy. My mother has told me numerous times that she wouldn't care if I was washing dishes for a living if that was what made me happy (although, like most parents, she'd like to see me making more than minimum wage! :-) ). It's time to grow up and start making choices for yourself, whether your parents like it or not. I've done a lot of "crazy" stuff that threw my parents for a loop (I took off for the Caribbean and spent 2 years teaching scuba diving, for example), but once my parents saw how happy I was and how I was living my dream, they loosened up.

[Just me]

What my mother should want and what she does want are two radically different things. It's okay if what I want is also what she wants, but if it's not, she doesn't care because what she wants me to do is all that seems to matter. My happiness is second to the plan she's got worked out for my life.

Seeing me in the single most horrific panic attack I've ever had - one that made me unable to even stand up and walk for about an hour afterward - did nothing to change her mind. Just made her sob and tell me she only wants what's best for me and how I don't appreciate everything she does for me, etc. I won't even lie - I was hoping I would have just stroked out and died right there in the car. Considering how badly I was hyperventilating, I thought for a bit I would actually have died...and that was okay with me. She can somehow make everything about her...I'm ungrateful and stupid for not realizing that she makes so many sacrifices for me and why can't I just do this favor for her that costs $50,000 and four years of my life?

Also, thanks for the info, Strangefox. I sent them a message, so I'll see what they have to offer.

And yes, I am not "allowed" to drive myself anywhere. The only experience I have had driving alone was between dropping my mother off to her job and going to mine, and taking my road test. Since my mother is afraid to drive long distances and is too afraid to drive out of town, she expects me to be and will not let me take her car alone anywhere. Because heaven forbid, I might actually got he speed limit. And to her, anything over 40 is too fast and the last time I drove on the highway with her, I was forced to go 40. People behind me were not pleased.

When I was in school in Pittsburgh, she forced her partner to drive six hours one way to get me. Then I got verbally abused the entire way home. Thankfully, I found someone to carpool with who was fun to talk to (whom I still travel with for the rare opportunity I am "allowed" to visit a college friend), but then I heard about how my mother felt compelled to give the lady in excess of $200 for the round trip when it was school time and this was somehow my fault. I'm not even allowed on a bus or a plane or a train, though once I did take a bus alone to St. Louis to see someone...never told my mother about that because she'd keep an even tighter grip on me. I personally am not afraid to drive at night, drive on the highway, go 65 miles an hour, etc. But I don't know how I'll ever learn when I'm not even allowed to try.

I need to work on finding the will to leave, I know. And it's true - I have had all the will, the effort, the confidence sucked right out of me. There is little left of me except destroyed self-esteem, no self-worth, a totally shattered soul and a lot of tears. When I see myself as this, you can imagine how difficult it is to do even the simplest of things as far as gaining independence. I try my hardest to fix myself, but I don't know what kind of progress I'm going to make. It's not that I don't want to be independent and have freedom...it's just getting there is a battle I'm not sure I have the inner strength to fight. You can only break something so many times before it's too far gone to put back together, and then you're just left with the pieces.

[Strangefox]

Also, thanks for the info, Strangefox. I sent them a message, so I'll see what they have to offer.

I am so glad you did it! Please let us know what they will tell you.

I think that the very fact that you are looking for help means that you still have strength and there is something to put back together. Don't give up and step by step you will gain your independance and your self-esteem and confidence.

[psycholinguist]

I am so glad you did it! Please let us know what they will tell you.

I think that the very fact that you are looking for help means that you still have strength and there is something to put back together. Don't give up and step by step you will gain your independance and your self-esteem and confidence.

Agreed! There are definitely ways out of this; just stay in contact with any sources of help until something works out.

[psycholinguist]

More stories of hope and support here!

[mechengr2000]

Are you financially dependent on your mom? Since you are over 18 years of age, you can be independent now if you choose to be. Also, what school/major did you do your undergrad in? I could use your help by the way - I need to learn some digital media and basic drawing skills for some of the projects I am working on. Make a LinkedIn account and display some of your work on there. My friends and I get emails quite often by job recruiters through LinkenIn, and I'm sure you will also.

Thankfully, I do not share an account with my mother. I simply made the error of mentioning saving up for a car of my own and she told me that since she could not pay for my college all herself, I was expected to give up all my money for tuition. Also, I live way, way out in the country...no buses, walking would just take too long (about 20ish miles to town), and I just do not have the money for a taxi to come out here every day to take me to work. None of my friends who are within reasonable driving distance own their own vehicles either, so they could not come and get me. Basically, it's a matter of going with my mother. I bought myself a bicycle once too, but it mysteriously disappeared...I think because my mother is convinced people would intentionally run me over on the road, so she just kind of threw it away and said someone stole it.

And yes, I admit I do live in a toxic home. It's not only my mother - her boyfriend is another always-right type who verbally abuses me, but his crap I can usually laugh off because he's a moron. But my mother also makes me kowtow to him and do favors for him because she needs him to do "men's work" around the house. Like if he wants me to do something, I have to drop everything and do it that very second or he tattles on me, and then my mother lectures me. I might have to look into the low-income housing locally since that may be the only place I (or some friends and I) could actually live. I certainly could not afford a normal living space on my salary. Hell, last time I was in class, I was in NYC. I contemplated not going home and just living out of my suitcase on the street for a while.

I know I sound like a 'professional victim,' but I try my best not to. I guess it's just because I have tried so many things and had them fail miserably. And I admit often times I just give up - I have basically learned to not fight because a struggle will just make my defeat even more painful, so my automatic response seems to be to just not argue and do what I'm told. Which might make me a good employee, but maybe not a good person. I know I'm weak, fearful and dependent, and I know I need a kick in the behind. And I know the folks here may not be shrinks and can't give me counseling, but I promise I am grateful for all advice, commiseration and encouraging words. It does help a lot to not be told what a childish idiot I am. I wonder if I'm messed up enough to write a book about my life...

I've told people in class about this because they noticed I was sorely depressed when I was there and they all kind of told me to just buck up and enjoy the program. I never said I hated the program...I hate the cost.

Edited May 22, 2011 by mechengr2000

[StrangeLight]

this is... wow.

you really do need to just leave home. leave the art program. and quit giving your mother your money. anything less than that will not save you.

[Just me]

Sadly, I cannot afford to leave home. Even if I did, I guarantee I would just end up right back here because I cannot afford to live, even if I do find a job (which there are none I would be qualified for where I live. Truck drivers, etc.) She doesn't give me money, but I do live with her. I guess that means she can decide where I go to school since I'm not contributing to the rent (I can't with no job anyway).

And I did undergrad at an Art Institute, which has a reputation as a bunch of diploma mills and for churning out ill-educated graduates. I have a LinkedIn account with my work posted...never once have I gotten anything from there. The school I went to is for-profit, meaning they just give good grades to everyone so they can get their money when, in reality, I am, at best, a mediocre artist. I can't even get freelance jobs for two dollars an hour.

If I had no debt and a job and a vehicle, I could probably pack up and leave. But having none of those things, I am stuck. There's not even any available income-based housing because it's all filled with broke people. At the very least, I believe some of my private loans will get forgiven when my mother dies since she's my co-signer. Maybe if she drives me to insanity, I can claim I am too disabled to work and get my loans forgiven like that too. I don't think that's too far out of a possibility.

I can't help but get used to going to school against my will because I have been informed if I don't make six figures with this master's degree, I will need to go back to college for yet another art degree. A higher one. The way I see it, though, if I ever really do feel trapped enough, suicide will always be an available option. I may not be able to make myself do it now, but one day I might just get that depressed.

[mechengr2000]

What city/state/region of the US are you in?

I strongly recommend making some cash a priority. And do not tell ANYONE that you are making it, especially your mom!

I recommend being a waiter. When I was a waiter, I used to make $200 in tips by serving breakfast and lunch on weekends. This was at a very nice but humble establishment where breakfast costed about $7 a person.

Edited May 22, 2011 by mechengr2000

[wtncffts]

Sadly, I cannot afford to leave home. Even if I did, I guarantee I would just end up right back here because I cannot afford to live, even if I do find a job (which there are none I would be qualified for where I live. Truck drivers, etc.) She doesn't give me money, but I do live with her. I guess that means she can decide where I go to school since I'm not contributing to the rent (I can't with no job anyway).

And I did undergrad at an Art Institute, which has a reputation as a bunch of diploma mills and for churning out ill-educated graduates. I have a LinkedIn account with my work posted...never once have I gotten anything from there. The school I went to is for-profit, meaning they just give good grades to everyone so they can get their money when, in reality, I am, at best, a mediocre artist. I can't even get freelance jobs for two dollars an hour.

If I had no debt and a job and a vehicle, I could probably pack up and leave. But having none of those things, I am stuck. There's not even any available income-based housing because it's all filled with broke people. At the very least, I believe some of my private loans will get forgiven when my mother dies since she's my co-signer. Maybe if she drives me to insanity, I can claim I am too disabled to work and get my loans forgiven like that too. I don't think that's too far out of a possibility.

I can't help but get used to going to school against my will because I have been informed if I don't make six figures with this master's degree, I will need to go back to college for yet another art degree. A higher one. The way I see it, though, if I ever really do feel trapped enough, suicide will always be an available option. I may not be able to make myself do it now, but one day I might just get that depressed.

God, this makes me so sad and, frankly, a little frustrated. The whole "suicide will always be an available option" hits very close to home, but speaks to an already defeated mindset. I'm telling you, as long as you believe that, you'll never have the courage to change. It seems like you're just utterly defeated and unable to see anything beyond that, hoping for some sort of miracle which will take you away. And I have to say, have you considered any of the advice which has been given in this thread? It seems like it's all just passed you by.

I literally have no idea what you mean when you say you can't afford to leave home. I think I recall earlier in this thread you did have a job of some sort, so you must have some savings. Even if you don't, I'm sure you have enough resources to take a bus somewhere, anywhere. I'm also curious, as the above reply, to know whereabouts you live, because I can't imagine that there's anywhere in the US where you have absolutely no options. If that's indeed the case, you need to move to where the opportunities are, but you also need to be humble and willing to do hard things and live frugally. It seems to me that, despite the horrible psychological issues, you're fundamentally comfortable where you are and are unwilling to accept 'lower' standards of living.

I also don't understand the obsession with six figures. Why, exactly, do you need to make that much, and why is anything less a failure? A tenure track assistant professor's starting salary is in the 50 to 60,000 range. According to a quick check on wikipedia, the median salary for a FULL professor is $98,974. By you or your mother's standards, this is failure. Ridiculous.

Again, I have to reiterate my frustration and sadness that you're in such a place as to consider suicide an "always available option". I know how impossible it is for you to see beyond your own circumstances, to get beyond the psychological blocks. But everyone here has given good advice. It's up to you to act on it. Sometimes you just have to take that leap into the unknown.

[spctle342]

Sadly, I cannot afford to leave home. Even if I did, I guarantee I would just end up right back here because I cannot afford to live, even if I do find a job (which there are none I would be qualified for where I live. Truck drivers, etc.) She doesn't give me money, but I do live with her. I guess that means she can decide where I go to school since I'm not contributing to the rent (I can't with no job anyway).

And I did undergrad at an Art Institute, which has a reputation as a bunch of diploma mills and for churning out ill-educated graduates. I have a LinkedIn account with my work posted...never once have I gotten anything from there. The school I went to is for-profit, meaning they just give good grades to everyone so they can get their money when, in reality, I am, at best, a mediocre artist. I can't even get freelance jobs for two dollars an hour.

If I had no debt and a job and a vehicle, I could probably pack up and leave. But having none of those things, I am stuck. There's not even any available income-based housing because it's all filled with broke people. At the very least, I believe some of my private loans will get forgiven when my mother dies since she's my co-signer. Maybe if she drives me to insanity, I can claim I am too disabled to work and get my loans forgiven like that too. I don't think that's too far out of a possibility.

I can't help but get used to going to school against my will because I have been informed if I don't make six figures with this master's degree, I will need to go back to college for yet another art degree. A higher one. The way I see it, though, if I ever really do feel trapped enough, suicide will always be an available option. I may not be able to make myself do it now, but one day I might just get that depressed.

I think you can leave, even with nothing. Is there a domestic violence shelter in your city/state/region of the country? What you're experiencing is abuse. You sound as though you've been beaten down to the point where you believe you have no options left. If you can do nothing else, make a phone call to a domestic violence hotline. They won't call the cops or force you to do anything, but they will listen and explain to you that there are options for someone in your situation, as desperate as it seems.

They can help you develop a safety plan to get help without your mother's knowledge. They can build you back up and allow you to reclaim your independence once and for all, if that's genuinely what you want. Nothing bad can come from reaching out to someone, but you know as well as all of us that nothing good can come from continuing down the path you're on. It sounds like your mother did have your best interests in mind at one time, but she's no longer oriented in reality. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one will. I really hope you can find some peace, whatever you decide to do.

[Just me]

I did have a job, but I was fired from it for many reasons...one of them being my need to take time off for school. But I was also verbally and mentally abused at that job, so it was not a big loss. I honestly almost hit my boss because I thought I could have a little escape from the abuses I suffer at home. But I got them worse at work on top of my home life and I genuinely wanted to hurt her badly. And I honestly have nothing in savings. All I have right now is maybe fifty dollars and that is going toward homework (need lots of posters printed).

And I have read the advice offered here, and I admit I'm afraid to take it because deep down, I really do feel like nothing will work. I feel deep down anything I do will backfire and just make my life even more miserable when I end up right back here. I feel like any domestic violence shelter would laugh me out the door because I'm not being abused by a spouse. Maybe I'm just so used to the crap I deal with regularly that I have learned how to overall cope with it,and I've learned that my life is simply not mine to live and it never has been. I feel a sense of defeat only because that's all I've experienced - there have been no small victories to encourage me further down the path to freedom. It's all just been a bunch of failures when I step outside the little box people expect me to stay in. Besides, I couldn't live for the rest of my life in a shelter.

Unfortunately, since I live with my mother, there's no way for her to not know how much money I bring in from any job. Believe me, my mother has been poor her whole life. I am poor. Living frugally has never been an issue because we've never had another option. Also,I'm not saying I personally am holding out for a six-figure job - my mother is the one who believes a master's degree will guarantee me a $100,000 job. I just want to be able to afford to live - I couldn't do that at my last job, at which I was making less than $10K annually. And yes, my mother maybe did at one time have my best interests at heart - maybe when I was five and I was prone to doing silly kid things that might harm me. But now she's at a point where she just feels she is right and must reign over me that if I deviate from the plan she's got laid out for me, I will hear about it. I wish for one second she would think about whether or not I actually want to do something...or more importantly, if I can afford to do it to begin with.

She expects me to do everything her way, but if I want something, I either can't have it or I have to endure lots of screaming and sobbing to get it. Like visiting a friend of mine a few hours away. I don't ask for money, don't ask for a ride, nothing. But I literally have to put up a fight and be so stressed out just to do something that in no way inconveniences my mother. And frankly, I am at a point where I am just sick of fighting for myself - I can do it for friends, but not for me. Otherwise, I would be fighting every single moment of every single day for the rest of my life. I can fight, but not that much. I know because I've tried, and eventually I weaken, crumble, and end up defeated. I only feel this way based on what I have been experiencing my entire life: Giving in and fighting yield the same result, but fighting makes it a lot more difficult for me.

Despite all of it, I honestly do find joy in little things, and my friends and significant other keep me going each day. I only hope they will continue to have that effect; I worry one day even my friends won't be enough to make me want to keep on living. I honestly kind of hope one day I go absolutely insane and get admitted to the psych ward. That way, maybe my mother can see just how much she has damaged me and maybe be able to talk to someone about it and they can see I'm not truly insane - just someone who is broken.

[fuzzylogician]

I did have a job, but I was fired from it for many reasons...one of them being my need to take time off for school. But I was also verbally and mentally abused at that job, so it was not a big loss. I honestly almost hit my boss because I thought I could have a little escape from the abuses I suffer at home. But I got them worse at work on top of my home life and I genuinely wanted to hurt her badly. And I honestly have nothing in savings. All I have right now is maybe fifty dollars and that is going toward homework (need lots of posters printed).

And I have read the advice offered here, and I admit I'm afraid to take it because deep down, I really do feel like nothing will work. I feel deep down anything I do will backfire and just make my life even more miserable when I end up right back here. I feel like any domestic violence shelter would laugh me out the door because I'm not being abused by a spouse. Maybe I'm just so used to the crap I deal with regularly that I have learned how to overall cope with it,and I've learned that my life is simply not mine to live and it never has been. I feel a sense of defeat only because that's all I've experienced - there have been no small victories to encourage me further down the path to freedom. It's all just been a bunch of failures when I step outside the little box people expect me to stay in. Besides, I couldn't live for the rest of my life in a shelter.

Unfortunately, since I live with my mother, there's no way for her to not know how much money I bring in from any job. Believe me, my mother has been poor her whole life. I am poor. Living frugally has never been an issue because we've never had another option. Also,I'm not saying I personally am holding out for a six-figure job - my mother is the one who believes a master's degree will guarantee me a $100,000 job. I just want to be able to afford to live - I couldn't do that at my last job, at which I was making less than $10K annually. And yes, my mother maybe did at one time have my best interests at heart - maybe when I was five and I was prone to doing silly kid things that might harm me. But now she's at a point where she just feels she is right and must reign over me that if I deviate from the plan she's got laid out for me, I will hear about it. I wish for one second she would think about whether or not I actually want to do something...or more importantly, if I can afford to do it to begin with.

She expects me to do everything her way, but if I want something, I either can't have it or I have to endure lots of screaming and sobbing to get it. Like visiting a friend of mine a few hours away. I don't ask for money, don't ask for a ride, nothing. But I literally have to put up a fight and be so stressed out just to do something that in no way inconveniences my mother. And frankly, I am at a point where I am just sick of fighting for myself - I can do it for friends, but not for me. Otherwise, I would be fighting every single moment of every single day for the rest of my life. I can fight, but not that much. I know because I've tried, and eventually I weaken, crumble, and end up defeated. I only feel this way based on what I have been experiencing my entire life: Giving in and fighting yield the same result, but fighting makes it a lot more difficult for me.

Despite all of it, I honestly do find joy in little things, and my friends and significant other keep me going each day. I only hope they will continue to have that effect; I worry one day even my friends won't be enough to make me want to keep on living. I honestly kind of hope one day I go absolutely insane and get admitted to the psych ward. That way, maybe my mother can see just how much she has damaged me and maybe be able to talk to someone about it and they can see I'm not truly insane - just someone who is broken.

Just me, I understand that I probably can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you. And I understand that the advice in this thread that simply says "get out now" may be too difficult for you to follow right now. But I sincerely hope that you start doing little things to get yourself out of this situation. There's a lot of information out there on the internet about how to deal with these kinds of situations--read up on it. There are professionals who could help you--I hope you've already gotten in touch with them, but if not please do it now. Start building a network of friends who could support you when you move out. I think it's important for you to have a clear plan of what you'll do. But you do have a job and you can learn whatever skills you are missing. Don't give up and don't throw your life away. Leaving home and creating an independent life for yourself will be a GREAT victory. If there is a shelter you could go to, that's a place to start. Of course it's not where you'll stay all your life, but there will be people there who could help you get back on your feet. You won't fail--you'll win back your life--just don't quit before you even start!

[spctle342]

I did have a job, but I was fired from it for many reasons...one of them being my need to take time off for school. But I was also verbally and mentally abused at that job, so it was not a big loss. I honestly almost hit my boss because I thought I could have a little escape from the abuses I suffer at home. But I got them worse at work on top of my home life and I genuinely wanted to hurt her badly. And I honestly have nothing in savings. All I have right now is maybe fifty dollars and that is going toward homework (need lots of posters printed).

And I have read the advice offered here, and I admit I'm afraid to take it because deep down, I really do feel like nothing will work. I feel deep down anything I do will backfire and just make my life even more miserable when I end up right back here. I feel like any domestic violence shelter would laugh me out the door because I'm not being abused by a spouse. Maybe I'm just so used to the crap I deal with regularly that I have learned how to overall cope with it,and I've learned that my life is simply not mine to live and it never has been. I feel a sense of defeat only because that's all I've experienced - there have been no small victories to encourage me further down the path to freedom. It's all just been a bunch of failures when I step outside the little box people expect me to stay in. Besides, I couldn't live for the rest of my life in a shelter.

Unfortunately, since I live with my mother, there's no way for her to not know how much money I bring in from any job. Believe me, my mother has been poor her whole life. I am poor. Living frugally has never been an issue because we've never had another option. Also,I'm not saying I personally am holding out for a six-figure job - my mother is the one who believes a master's degree will guarantee me a $100,000 job. I just want to be able to afford to live - I couldn't do that at my last job, at which I was making less than $10K annually. And yes, my mother maybe did at one time have my best interests at heart - maybe when I was five and I was prone to doing silly kid things that might harm me. But now she's at a point where she just feels she is right and must reign over me that if I deviate from the plan she's got laid out for me, I will hear about it. I wish for one second she would think about whether or not I actually want to do something...or more importantly, if I can afford to do it to begin with.

She expects me to do everything her way, but if I want something, I either can't have it or I have to endure lots of screaming and sobbing to get it. Like visiting a friend of mine a few hours away. I don't ask for money, don't ask for a ride, nothing. But I literally have to put up a fight and be so stressed out just to do something that in no way inconveniences my mother. And frankly, I am at a point where I am just sick of fighting for myself - I can do it for friends, but not for me. Otherwise, I would be fighting every single moment of every single day for the rest of my life. I can fight, but not that much. I know because I've tried, and eventually I weaken, crumble, and end up defeated. I only feel this way based on what I have been experiencing my entire life: Giving in and fighting yield the same result, but fighting makes it a lot more difficult for me.

Despite all of it, I honestly do find joy in little things, and my friends and significant other keep me going each day. I only hope they will continue to have that effect; I worry one day even my friends won't be enough to make me want to keep on living. I honestly kind of hope one day I go absolutely insane and get admitted to the psych ward. That way, maybe my mother can see just how much she has damaged me and maybe be able to talk to someone about it and they can see I'm not truly insane - just someone who is broken.

I can guarantee you that no one would laugh at you or look down on you for seeking help at a shelter. You are involved in an abusive relationship. Unlike many other women, you didn't even have the ability to choose that relationship for yourself. You were born into it. How could anyone fault you for existing in a situation entirely beyond your control? I am certain that you would be able to relate quite well to any survivor of domestic violence. It doesn't matter who the perpetrator is... you all still face the physical and emotional isolation; control of resources and time; verbal assaults, guilt, and blame; and complete despair. I can think of no one who would be better equipped to help you than a domestic violence advocate. And if you don't believe me, why not try and call? If they laugh at you, then you can be vindicated in your prediction. But I know enough to say that you will find nothing but compassion and understanding.

People who go to domestic violence shelters typically stay there between 4-6 weeks. That's seriously as long as it takes to get someone a job with a living wage, independent housing, furniture, food and other necessities, transportation, and everything else. They know what they're doing, and they do it well. A brief stay in a temporary environment may be a small sacrifice to make if it means reclaiming your future. You're so young. You have your entire life ahead of you, but there's no reason to wait. Beyond that, I can't imagine that you would find living in a shelter to be any more unpleasant than living with your mother. You could still go to school if you chose. You can come and go as you please. You really don't have to answer to anyone, but you would have the structure and support that you need, having been dependent on your mother for 23 years. I really hope you find the strength to take that first step and pick up the phone. You truly have nothing to lose. I wish you could see what we all see waiting for you on the other side. I know that if you can reach out to someone, you will never regret having done so.

You say you wish you could go insane and get admitted into a psych ward. You don't have to be hearing voices to do this. If your primary motivation to keep trudging through one more day is the comfort of knowing that you could end your own life at some point in the future, mental health services are clearly warranted. If nothing else, I hope that someone in your life recognizes your pain and makes the effort to connect you to people who can truly help you. If I could do that from where I'm at, it would be done already.

[psycholinguist]

Anything is better than suicide: there are so many people out there (including all of us!) who are eager to see you find a new life for yourself. It's much easier than you think! There's such a great world out there beyond the reach of your mother, whose actions have long since become criminal. She has single-handedly convinced you that there are no other options than to live with her, and that the best way to get away from her is to harm yourself. This is not the case! Healing is very, very possible once you get out of there. You were courageous enough to ask us for help, and we're totally on your side; you can be courageous enough to ask a transition-shelter and/or the police and/or a domestic-violence professional for assistance in getting the heck out of there. You can do it!

[StrangeLight]

if you've decided that you don't want help, then why post all of this?

the problem is not how you can learn to love your situation. it's how you can get out of it. but this is like talking to a brick wall. it's not your fault. it's full-on stockholm syndrome. but when everyone is telling you that you need to leave, and you say you can't, there's not much anyone can do. i hope you decide, at some point, that you actually want the help you need.

[Bison_PhD]

My older brother lived with my mother until he was well over 30 and it was toxic for both of them. I know that it seems like your helping your mother by staying, but I can tell you that she will never be happy as long as her happiness is dependent on you. Both my brother and my mother are much happier and more fulfilled separately even though they thought that they were helping each other before. Please, let us help you. Suicide is not an option, and the worn out saying is true, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Is there any way that you would feel comfortable telling us what area if the country you are in? At the very least we could try to research the options available in your area, and maybe one of us (since we are all around the country), could help you get to the help that you need. If you happen to be within an hour of Nashville, I will personally give you a ride to a shelter or somewhere that can provide you with help and the ability to get out of your situation.

[juilletmercredi]

there's no way for her to not know how much money I bring in from any job.

Yes, there is. You are over 18. Get a bank account in your name, and when you get paid deposit your check in there or get direct deposit, and then don't share the account number or the balance with anyone. Don't even leave a copy of the account number at home where she can find it. And if she asks, refuse to tell her. There is literally no way that she can find out what the account number is or what your balance is unless she does something illegal like misrepresents herself as you at the bank...or unless you tell her.

She doesn't give me money, but I do live with her. I guess that means she can decide where I go to school since I'm not contributing to the rent (I can't with no job anyway).

It does not. No one has the right to force you to do anything you don't want to do - go to grad school, hold a specific job, etc. I know it's hard to realize when you are in the midst of such abuse. But NO ONE can decide where you go to school, or whether. If you stopped going to school today and just dropped out, what could she do? Nothing. Maybe kick you out of the house, but that might be a positive thing!

I have a LinkedIn account with my work posted...never once have I gotten anything from there.

Most people don't get job offers through LinkedIN...they don't just show up. You may make contacts on LinkedIn that can help you when you apply for a job, but jobs don't fall into people's laps like that unless they are quite privileged.

At the very least, I believe some of my private loans will get forgiven when my mother dies since she's my co-signer.

That's not the way co-signing works. As a co-signer, your mom agrees to pay the loan only if you default. She's like a guarantor. If she dies, you are still the primary debtor and you will still be responsible for paying the loans. She's just a little extra guarantee for them.