Significant Others and Grad School

[ProfessorChaos]

Being married has brought its own unique challenges to applying and choosing programs.  I sent applications anywhere I thought I could fit, but I really gravitated towards programs in larger metro areas towards the end.  For my wife's career, it would be much easier to find a job in a place like Minneapolis/St Paul or Austin than a smaller college town.  Plus, the location of her family affected my decision making quite a bit.  While the school in her home state was definitely among my top choices to start off with, it became almost impossible to turn down once I got a great funding offer.  So it's kind of nerve-wracking in a way, because I feel like I got stove-piped into choosing a particular program, but on the other hand it really does help her out quite a bit, and her family couldn't be happier.  It's probably the least I could do, since she'll be earning way more money than me for the next several years. 

 

The ironic update to all this is that she got offered a great job in an adjacent state, so now we're going to be doing the distance thing after all. 

[Ely]

I am in the middle of a divorce that should be final before the end of the year.  As devastating and stressful as it is, I'm glad it happened before the move half-way across the country and the onset of PhD-level workload.  As it is, I'm looking at grad school as a chance at a fresh start. 

[Linelei]

That is rough, Ely! Sorry to hear you are going through that. I completely agree with you, though, on the timing. If a relationship is faltering, it's probably much better to end BEFORE moving and starting a rigorous PhD program. Here's to fresh starts!

[EdYouKateOr]

although i'm neither married nor a parent, i've spent a good amount of time away from home, starting with 2 months of sleepaway camp from ages 8 until 15, all the way through bouncing around the world during my late high school and undergrad years. i loved it, but my mom and i have always been close, so being apart was hard. we would play games by letter, e.g., each drawing one line or one shape onto something at a time, and mailing it back and forth to create hilarious, strange things (usually friendly monster-critters!) together. as i got older, we kept in touch as much as possible by phone, skype, etc., but we still writer letters and send "surprise" packages to each other. i think having tangible mail to look forward to, share, and enjoy is really nice.

Thanks for these great ideas! I too have been away a lot (went away to camp, boarding school and college). In fact, my mom andi have just recently (7yrs) been in the same state since I got married. Never thought about using some of those techniques to stay close to my hubby AND daughter! Thanks again!

[csibaldwin]

I am going to UNL in Lincoln NE, and my wife is going to NDSU in Fargo ND. I will go to Fargo and stay with her for spring break, winter break, and summers to work on my thesis and spend time with her. Basically I will see her 140 days out of 365 days a year. We see this as an investment into our future and to be able to do the careers we are passionate about. We think it is work it. We are 33 and have been together since 2006, and married since 2010. We have lived together since 2006 as well. Everyone is different I guess, we like traveling and college, and we do not want kids, so it works for us.

[StephanieM]

I'm applying to programs pretty much across the US; I'm lucky that my husband works remotely so commuting and moving aren't an issue for us. But before that, he lived in Russia and I lived in the US and we still made it work! Distance doesn't have to be a problem.

[kabelo]

We did long-distance before, I studied at the East Coast and she was in Hong Kong. It was just for one year, so it was bearable.

Now I'm moving back to America and she moves to Continental Europe. We planned that in a year or two, she gets a job in the States, but that's easier said than done if you're not American. Bottom line is, long-distance can be manageable if you have a clear perspective, but this uncertainty sucks. Oh well, there's still the option to get married...

[Phoenix!]

Hello! 

 

My boyfriend and I, we've been together for 9,5 years and although I will be 17 hours away, we have no intention of breaking up! 

He is really supportive and we trust each other so much, I do not think we will face any difficulties...

He is currently an undergraduate student and we have plans for him to move in with me after the first year or after the Quals.

I do not know if our way of thinking feels like living in utopia, but I know we are determined to make it work!

[peternewman89]

I'm starting in the fall and my girlfriend of 2.5 years will be moving down with me.  The issue is that she's also applying to medical school this summer and will be interviewing this fall.  She's applying to a couple of schools in Nashville, where I'll be, but also all over the country, so it's a total crapshoot, and we have no idea what will come in 2014.  Hopefully she'll get into Vandy and we'll be able to go to school together, but otherwise we're looking at 2-4 years apart, which would be terrible, but I think we'd get through it.

[GeoLing]

I starting dating my SO while I was getting my MA and she was working on her BA. I tried to be honest and up front about my educational goals and priorities. I was actually in the process of applying to PhDs at the time (none within 1500 miles of where we currently are). I fell head-over-heels for her, so I switched to a different (and better) MA program, then took this last year off of school while I applied to PhD programs again (completely different schools than before, and I'm so glad that I waited those two years to figure out what I really want to do).

 

I drew up a list of programs based on my academic and geographic preferences, then gave her veto power. We don't have much money these days, paying my loans and her tuition, so I ended up only applying to 4 schools in places that we'd both want to live. I'm pretty lucky in that my SO doesn't have any firm plans, and is up for the adventure.

 

My SO finishes her BA in August, and the next day I'm heading to the University of Hawaii at Manoa (unless my Alternate status changes on my Fulbright application to Romania, in which case SO is totally not going to miss out on a year in Transylvania). She needs to do some grad work where she can definitely get in to a program (meaning in our current town) in order to either get the kind of job she wants or get into a grad program at UHM. So, she'll be in Texas for at least a year (hopefully not more!) while I get settled into grad life in Honolulu. Not ideal, but we both support each other and believe that these are investments that will really pay off later in our lives.

 

I've never really tried long distance, and it's going to be a huge adjustment, but it's great hearing that a lot of these situations work out well. Thanks for all the stories!

[peppermint.beatnik]

I starting dating my SO while I was getting my MA and she was working on her BA. I tried to be honest and up front about my educational goals and priorities. I was actually in the process of applying to PhDs at the time (none within 1500 miles of where we currently are). I fell head-over-heels for her, so I switched to a different (and better) MA program, then took this last year off of school while I applied to PhD programs again (completely different schools than before, and I'm so glad that I waited those two years to figure out what I really want to do).

 

I drew up a list of programs based on my academic and geographic preferences, then gave her veto power. We don't have much money these days, paying my loans and her tuition, so I ended up only applying to 4 schools in places that we'd both want to live. I'm pretty lucky in that my SO doesn't have any firm plans, and is up for the adventure.

 

My SO finishes her BA in August, and the next day I'm heading to the University of Hawaii at Manoa (unless my Alternate status changes on my Fulbright application to Romania, in which case SO is totally not going to miss out on a year in Transylvania). She needs to do some grad work where she can definitely get in to a program (meaning in our current town) in order to either get the kind of job she wants or get into a grad program at UHM. So, she'll be in Texas for at least a year (hopefully not more!) while I get settled into grad life in Honolulu. Not ideal, but we both support each other and believe that these are investments that will really pay off later in our lives.

 

I've never really tried long distance, and it's going to be a huge adjustment, but it's great hearing that a lot of these situations work out well. Thanks for all the stories!

 

Best of luck. LDRs can definitely work out as long as you both have similar expectations of the relationship. I've been in one for many years.

[ChocoLatte]

Hope it's alright to bring this thread back up--

 

My SO and I have been dating for a bit over four years.  We've discussed marriage, and have lived together for the majority of those four years.  I am entering a masters program this fall, he finished his this spring.  He wanted to go to a PhD program, but stubborn advisors didn't write recommendation letters in time and he wasn't accepted anywhere.  I know he intends to try again, but there is a year between now and those possibilities during which he needs financial stability (car payments, rent, etc) and to stay a student (to avoid loan bills).  This has led to him likely staying in the CT/RI area as I go off to FL...

 

We're going to do what we can as far as skype and visiting and writing (lol old school) but I still have that pit-in-the-stomach feeling and it's getting to me a bit.  (My best friend is in MA and her boyfriend is in Peru, so she's been understanding and showing me websites and ways to watch movies together, etc...which helps.)  I like to think that because my SO and I have the same long-term goals and dreams (professors, cute little house with a beautiful bedroom and large bathtub, two dashunds...) the temporary split won't be too damaging?

 

-sigh-

[StenderB]

Hope it's alright to bring this thread back up--

 

My SO and I have been dating for a bit over four years.  We've discussed marriage, and have lived together for the majority of those four years.  I am entering a masters program this fall, he finished his this spring.  He wanted to go to a PhD program, but stubborn advisors didn't write recommendation letters in time and he wasn't accepted anywhere.  I know he intends to try again, but there is a year between now and those possibilities during which he needs financial stability (car payments, rent, etc) and to stay a student (to avoid loan bills).  This has led to him likely staying in the CT/RI area as I go off to FL...

 

We're going to do what we can as far as skype and visiting and writing (lol old school) but I still have that pit-in-the-stomach feeling and it's getting to me a bit.  (My best friend is in MA and her boyfriend is in Peru, so she's been understanding and showing me websites and ways to watch movies together, etc...which helps.)  I like to think that because my SO and I have the same long-term goals and dreams (professors, cute little house with a beautiful bedroom and large bathtub, two dashunds...) the temporary split won't be too damaging?

 

-sigh-

I think it's just going to continue to be a good idea to revisit what the long-term goals are and have updates and reminders and just a genuine love of what each other is doing and how they're making themselves better.

 

I had a panic when I realized (At the end of my SO and I applying to and hearing back from schools) that we were going to be apart and it was a reality now.  At first everything was just hectic enough waiting for answers and making decisions on grad schools but once things started to settle it hits you hard.  We have been living together since 08 and are in our 5th year of marriage with him going back to a nursing program in his native country of Sweden and me going to graduate school back to my hometown in San Jose, CA.  Luckily he doesn't start until Spring so we have a few months of being in San Jose together before 3 years of separation.  The hardest part is figuring out how to visit because the first year I can go there (Summer 2014) but the summer after that I'll be tied up graduating from my MSW program as well as having to find a job so I can pay-back the stipend I will be receiving during my school time.

So we just remind ourselves about why we're doing what we need to and how 3 years isn't long to wait to have our educations in order and ready to jump-start a new phase when we're back in the same place again! I think in a lot of ways we've also been-there-done-that because before we lived together we had met online and dated and were only able to see each other in person once in a 2 year span so we've gone through the waiting and skyping and snail mail before.  Snail mail really does help.  It's fun to see handwriting or get a package from your SO.

I'm also mostly just hoping that graduate school keeps us both really busy.

[MSDubbs]

I'm also mostly just hoping that graduate school keeps us both really busy.

Yep. That's my plan, too. 

 

I'm moving three hours away from my girlfriend, which was a small part of the reason I chose that city. It means that visits can happen every once in a while, so I feel grateful for that. So for me, anticipating being super busy with the program is both a blessing and a curse...less time to sit and think, also less time to visit. 

 

We're going to be doing the long distance thing, and fully expect it to suck. I've done distance before, but this time without a specified plan for afterwards. We'll see how that goes. I'm trying to be okay with seeing how the relationship changes and grows and am less concerned about there being some huge issue because we have a really strong relationship and knew I was going to be moving *somewhere* for school when we started dating. But I fully anticipate it to suck. Good luck to everyone doing the long distance thing! I'm right there with you! 

[Datatape]

I'm leaving town in a week and a half; tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to my ex after one last dinner with him.  He was my first love and someone who I still have very strong feelings for, but who ended it amicably with me some time ago (he also would never have been able to come with me and neither one of us would have been good at the long-distance thing).  He's been incredibly supportive of me and has encouraged me to no end when applying, and I know I'm going to miss him like crazy.  I'm trying to use this as a clean break and to start fresh in a new city and a new state, but every time I think about it, I get choked up.  I know once I'm out in Nevada I'll be in a different frame of mind and will have pretty much a whole new dating pool to enter, but the heart wants what it wants.

 

tl;dr:

 

[i.am.me]

I have mixed feelings about LDRs.

 

I am in between semesters for school. People keep telling me to date while I have time now since when I start school it might be harder. I normally don't reply to this piece of advice though. I travel so much and spontaneously that it's hard for me to remain emotionally attached to someone in this short period. Also, I don't like dating in general and don't really care for casual dating or casual relationships all that much...I wonder if people really took the time to consider my preferences when suggesting that I start the beginnings of an LDR. I just am not interested in starting anything with anyone when I know I am going to leave soon. It just doesn't seem fair.

 

Of course, I'll be leaving room for "fate" too...you never know who just might drop in or out of your life between now and September.

[yhk331]

Life at grad school can really consume away your energy and time meeting and developing relationship with another person. That's basically what happened to me. Glad that I am almost over with it.

[Angua]

I got married a month before starting law school.  Many people, including several attorneys, told me that law school was hell on a marriage--especially a new marriage!--and I was really worried about it when I started.  But I don't think I could have done it without him.  He was my source of support throughout law school, and I made him my top priority, and I made sure he knew that.  Because he knew that, he was very understanding when I needed to work late, or when I was psychotic with stress/busy-ness, or when I needed him to take over some of my household chores (like cooking for most of the summer of the bar exam).  In the end, I don't think law school was a strain on our marriage at all -- but it took some effort and flexibility from both of us to make sure that was the case.

 

So, while I know grad school will be stressful and difficult for both of us, I take the dire predictions of relationship stress with a grain of salt.  It helps, of course, that we both know why I'm doing this, and we're both looking forward to me being a professor (he's looking forward to my flexible hours and increased salary, so that he can pursue his own career goals).

[TheCrunchfish]

in a relationship with a professor at a school in georgia. i will be attending a phd program in nc. we've been dating six years and two of those years have been long distance. once i move for school, we'll be even further away from one another; four hours away is going to turn into seven hours away. not ideal but my parents live pretty much at the midpoint between us so we'll probably meet there a lot on weekends. its hard but it can be done. we're supposed to be planning our wedding but thats moving along very slowly since we dont live in the same town