Two, please - grad school and significant others

[theallpwrfulroot]

So who else is trying to navigate the grad school application nightmare with two people in mind? How are you negotiating things with your SO? And how do you deal when one person gets accepted to the favored school while the other does not?

[Andorin]

Career > SO

[was1984]

Well, one school I'm applying to is in a location where my girlfriend could easily (and happily) transfer. If I get in there, there is no issue.

If I end up going anywhere else, we haven't really fleshed out what is going to happen. I suspect either she will come with me right away or we will be accumulating a lot of frequent flier miles. Separating is out of the question.

[demondeac]

My SO is applying to medical residencies, and here's the kicker: she has to rank her programs in a week, then a computer "matches" her to a program to which she is contractually obligated to attend. Good thing I've heard practically nothing from my 12 programs .

[psychomachia]

Happily, my SO is not an academic (at least, not anymore) and his career is such that he could move if we needed to. He'd prefer to stay here, but he supports me and knows how important this is. As a bit of a compromise, I've applied to schools that are relatively close to where we currently live, including a school in my city (U of T). If I get accepted at an American school, well then we'll have to figure out how to get him there on my student visa. He's likely going to stay here for the first year of my program while we both save up money, and then haul our two cats and furniture to wherever it is that I am. I'm lucky to have such a supportive partner, but it's taken a long while of discussion on both our ends -- he's known since day one of our relationship that a PhD was in my future, and we've discussed it at every stage of our relationship.

[cupcake_phd]

Career > SO

I don't know if I agree with this. I really really want a PhD and it's a definite career goal for me, but I don't know if the scale tips toward PhD when choosing between career and marriage/family. Ideally it'd be a happy medium and there would be compromise on both sides. Note: this doesn't apply if you've been dating someone for 3 weeks or something.

[Tinyboss]

I don't know if I agree with this. I really really want a PhD and it's a definite career goal for me, but I don't know if the scale tips toward PhD when choosing between career and marriage/family. Ideally it'd be a happy medium and there would be compromise on both sides. Note: this doesn't apply if you've been dating someone for 3 weeks or something.

Exactly. Those of us who are married with a kid are in a quite different situation from the guy with a six-month girlfriend (or vice-versa). Then there's everything in between.

[t_ruth]

My SO is applying to medical residencies, and here's the kicker: she has to rank her programs in a week, then a computer "matches" her to a program to which she is contractually obligated to attend. Good thing I've heard practically nothing from my 12 programs .

wow that royally bites. Is there any way you can put out some feelers to your programs? I know it is usually a no-no, but given your situation I would hope they would be willing to give you at least a hint.

[rinneron]

I got really lucky as well, my SO isn't an academic (god bless him) and is very willing to move with me. However, I didn't apply to schools in cities where I knew he wouldn't be happy, and to be honest, I applied to a few schools that I'm now realizing are not in the best place for us, so I would decline.

To be honest, I decided a long time ago that, no matter how much I want a PhD and to be an academic, a few things (like my SO and my horseback riding) come before that because they make me happy, whereas an academic career only fulfills me intellectually. I want to teach, but I would be very happy teaching at a small "second rate" college/university/community college, if it means my SO can have his career and happiness too, we can be in an area well suited to us, and I can have my horses. I researched how to do this financially and wisely, and I think I'm making the right decision.

In a nutshell, if I have to choose, it'll be SO over school. Thankfully I've already been accepted somewhere where my SO is very willing to move, so now I'm just waiting to see if I'll have other choices.

[Sinope]

Career > SO

I had to make my decision last week (. . . long story), and while my SO wasn't an overriding vote, he was a factor. Both schools are at the top of their field, though with different strengths; both, other professors assured me, would give me equally strong starts in the job market. So without a clear career preference, I did let personal reasons intervene. (Not just my SO, but the question of living somewhere where I know I'll have a community I like, vs. somewhere where I don't see myself putting down roots.)

Career matters. So does whether or not you're happy outside the classroom for the next five years.

[guenevere01]

My last serious SO before the current one (to whom I am happily married) broke it off because he couldn't see himself giving up his job for my academic dreams, even after 4 years together. Never mind that now I might actually end up in that same city where he works! The lesson I learned was this: his priorities were way different from my own, and that's the REAL reason we didn't work, not my ambitions to get a PhD. I value intellect and family, he valued money and... well, I don't know what else.

My current SO, on the other hand, has known from the start about my goals and supports me wholeheartedly. He will probably stay to finish out the job he's doing right now while I do my first year of grad school, then come join me and find another job. I do worry about whether he'll be happy in our new city, which is the hard part. There has to be a balance there between personal life and professional life - it's finding the right balance that is so difficult!

[poiuyt]

Yeah, so I really don't like this "career > so" stuff. If you and your SO are not S enough to fight for a common solution that's your own thing, but that equation doesn't work for many of us. My SO is awesome and we do not want to separate over our careers. So thank Darwin for compromise.

Our plan was the following: I would only apply to places where he could transfer with his job.

This meant that I didn't apply to some very good programs, and did apply to both out of reach places and not so great ones.

This also meant that he would have possibly had to move somewhere where his career growth potential would be limited.

There was one city in particular where moving would have been fantastic for him, and great for me had I been accepted to one of those out of reach schools. Luckily, he is fully willing to move to any of the places we chose and it looks like we will be moving to a place that's second on his list (he's very quickly warming to it). The other compromise we agreed on is that if we go to his #1 place he would have to commute to work from my school's neighborhood, and if we moved anywhere else - I would commute from his work neighborhood.

He and I are lucky because we are able to be flexible. I don't know how things would have worked out if he was unable to move, but we would have certainly tried to find another compromise. We are grown up enough to know that we have an unusually good relationship in which raising children and building a life together would be a completely pleasant experience. Other people may be in a situation where they only need a good excuse to break it off...

I do find it funny, that in the best relationships, the people are fully willing to compromise and if no compromise can be met to part ways amiably. It's sad to part ways in that case because you know you're losing a special thing.

I am definitely grateful for how lucky I am in this case.

[Tritonetelephone]

Career > SO

This has always been the climate of my relationship, too. Definitely not the case for everybody, I totally understand those that disagreed. But neither of us wants to hold the other back, and we're still very young and have no plans to marry, so...

BTW, would it be ethically wrong to send in job applications on his behalf without him knowing, once I know where I'm going to be? (JK)

[Lizzle]

Perhaps the key here is distinguishing between SO and "boyfriend/girlfriend". Big, big, difference.

[thepoorstockinger]

My partner and I decided to apply to some of the same schools and then sort it out later with the understanding that things won't work out. Fortunately one of the programs we applied to is really interested in both of us so we're now in the process of trying leverage some addition cash out of before we make a decision. We're both in the same field (sort or close enough) and she has insane grades so it made it easier.

It looks like we'll end up in the same program, but it was not the deciding factor. I do think it's silly not to make it at least one factor among many in making the decision - it's kind of absurd to factor in where a specific professor is and then not factor in where the person you love is.

[ejuliast]

For us, it's a bit different from the responses I'm seeing so far. My career (and therefore grad school) will decide what happens to our family. So whichever school is the best choice for my career (my goal is academia) is where we're headed, and my husband will find a job there eventually, once we're settled. We decided that this would be the arrangement way before we got married (we've been together for almost 9 years), before I even knew that this would be my career of choice...

[sonnyday]

We applied to all the same schools, and cast a wide net. But my husband made it clear that he will move if I get in to a top school and I'd move with him if did. And then apply the next year.

Either way, we'll be happy no matter what happens. SO and Career doesn't have to be mutually exclusive.

[psyched]

I am currently dealing with this dilemma! When my SO and I started dating we both knew we were going to each be applying to schools and we said that the schools and research should come first, however that was several years ago now. This year we both applied to a lot of schools and tried to have them overlapping and the areas overlapping. Unfortunately, I just got an offer from a school with great research that i would be thrilled to go to, but its not an area I want to live in and it is one of the few schools that I applied to that my SO did not apply any where near. I am still waiting to hear back from other schools and so is he, but its a hard decision when the school i already got into is so great. We would end up doing long distance for the next 6 years!

[thepoorstockinger]

I posted this in another thread but I thought I'd mention it here, too: It's possible to act as a "collective bargaining unit" with your partner at some programs. If the program wants both of you and you make it clear that you're a package deal they may be more willing to free up extra funding for you and your partner, or at least that is our ongoing experience.

[moleculeboy]

I agree that you should let the schools know if you can only attend if your SO is admitted. In my experience they appreciate you telling them so they can get an idea of how likely it is that you can attend (i.e. make other offers) or can put some pressure on the other department to admit your SO. Anyway, it can't hurt you and it might help somebody else.

[mylstisr]

it's caused so much tension between my SO and i.

we've had a lot of heated discussion about whose career comes first, his or mine. he just got a promotion and raise and in this failing economy doesn't want to leave and downgrade in jobs. but i can't give up my phd program if it's far away...

i'm afraid this is going to tear us apart and then i will end up 45 with a phd/great career and alone. :-(

[amazingtomatoes]

Slightly different situation here. SO and I are in the same field. He was a year ahead of me, got into an Alright School. I have now gotten offers from Alright School, but also Sweet University that is far, far away. Thing is, for my specific area, there is a Sweet Advisor at AS, and not so much at SU - it has more of a strong faculty profile all around, whereas Sweet Advisor is the only person at AS working in my chosen area in the field.

Ugh.

[lycoris]

):

My boyfriend just got rejected from the school that is, so far, my top choice. There are still half a dozen or so more schools out there that we're both waiting to hear from, so there's a chance that something will work out, but I'm really, really bummed today. We work in different fields and even though we applied to ten of the same schools (plus a couple more in the same areas), we knew the chances of being able to stay physically together were pretty slim. Still, now it's starting to feel real - in six months or so, we won't be in the same city anymore, and I don't think either of us is sure what that will mean. We've been together a year, and things are great, but that's still not a lot of history to keep us going while we weather out the tough times and the distance.

I am also finally having to accept that wishing fervently for things every time I see a digital clock read "11:11" does not actually accomplish much.

Personally, I'd go for the great adviser over the great department, particularly if it meant being able to stay with my boyfriend (and not have to deal with the pain and expense of relocating). But if you are not 100% certain about the specifics of your field, the great all-around department is probably a safer bet.

[piccali]

My boyfriend started grad school this past fall, and applied in 2 (out of 3) cities that do not have programs in my field. Due to a car accident, he was only able to take an audition at his safety school, which (luckily) is only 4 hours away from my undergrad (and what will most likely be my grad program too). Neither of us really consulted the other as far as where we were applying because, at that point, neither of us wanted to sacrifice our career for the other. Long-distance is working out okay. Not ideal though, obviously. He's going to finish his degree a semester to a year before I do and we haven't really discussed what happens after that yet. But that's 2 years away, we'll get there.

[theallpwrfulroot]

I'm in a similar situation as Lycoris, only I've been in the relationship for much longer.

It would be horrible for him to reject a good phd program in exchange for a nonexistent job. And I'll probably regret giving up on my first choice of schools - I was so excited I'd already bought a sweatshirt and worn it for months, and been in contact with a potential advisor. But both of us together at my second choice school is hardly a hellish prospect, right?

I suppose we'll see after the school visits whether or not I can muster enthusiasm for the other school. :shock: