Help! I'm an infant!

[EmilyChopin]

I was accepted into my dream program a few weeks ago right out of undergrad, and have already committed to attending. I'm twenty years old, and finished undergrad in three years. I knew I would be on the young side for grad school but when I visited the program this past week I realized I'm significantly younger than anyone else in the program. The degree is one that people often go back for after working for a while, but I've known for a while that this is the career I want, and so I applied much earlier.

My academic adviser told me my application must have been quite impressive, because the program doesn't usually admit students that are still doing their undergraduate degrees. It was a nice compliment. : ) But now I'm worried I won't be taken seriously by the faculty or my cohort. I also don't feel like I have much to talk about with the current students and am worried we won't get along because we are at different life stages--many of them are married and/or have kids. Whenever I try to share information about myself I feel as if I am reminding the person I'm talking to how young I am. Furthermore, I'm incredibly socially awkward when I'm caught off guard (like, I can give a smiling, confident speech when I know I'll have to, but try to start a conversation with me in a coffee shop and I'm non-functioning). I'm afraid these combined will give me a reputation as some kind of aloof wunderkind, or worse, someone who got into grad school not knowing what it entailed and is in over her head from the beginning. To top it all off, I'm a first-generation college student, and occasionally I feel a little lost among the academics as it is!

I know I'm smart enough and capable of handling the workload, but I'm afraid that lack of confidence from faculty or my peers will throw me off. I've always readily gained the support of professors in my undergraduate institution, and have succeeded partially thanks to their votes of confidence through letters and the grapevine.

Can someone give me advice? I don't even know what I'm asking, but some reassurance at the very least would be appreciated.

[sociologo]

I'm 22 and finishing my Masters this spring. If you want to PM me, I will try to give you some re-assurance and share my own experiences as being the youngest in a graduate program.

[Chasely]

I would hope that your future advisers would respect you based on your intellect, not your age.

There probably will be a couple of awkward moments you'll have to deal with, like when you first get there in the fall and your colleagues want to go out for a drink, but don't worry about that.

You colleagues might be a little jealous of you. If you were coming into my program, you would be finishing up at the same age that I'm starting.

[EmilyChopin]

You colleagues might be a little jealous of you. If you were coming into my program, you would be finishing up at the same age that I'm starting.

That's a big thing I'm worried about. Jealousy does not breed great relationships. Although maybe me feeling like I have to prove myself and them feeling like they have to beat me will be mutually beneficial?

[Chasely]

That's a big thing I'm worried about. Jealousy does not breed great relationships. Although maybe me feeling like I have to prove myself and them feeling like they have to beat me will be mutually beneficial?

I don't think the jealousy would last. For me it would be more like "I wish I had that direction when I was your age, I was too busy doing X (insert worthless thing here)."

I don't know how your program works. For my future program, it doesn't seem cutthroat, more communal and helpful, as if we'll be working towards a common goal (mainly, getting our adviser what he wants when he wants). I think that's more a function of who's in the program though. Did you get a good sense of that during your visit?

[oswic]

EmilyChopin,

First, congratulations on your acceptance! You must be so proud and should enjoy this time. I wouldn't worry about your age and I don't think jealousy is going to be a significant issue. In fact, it may not be an issue at all. You may find that the older students will feel endeared toward you or even protective. I promise you that your peers will be worrying about their own impressions. It's like going to a gym for the first time and worrying that other people are judging you. You might worry that people don't like your clothes or are laughing at the way you workout - that you don't belong in the gym. But almost everyone else in the gym have similar fears. In actual fact, everyone is caught up in their own heads worrying about everyone else around them.

Older students have similar concerns about going back to school and being judged. I went abroad for my MA and the average age in my cohort was 24. One of my closest friends was 46 years old at the beginning of our program. Some students thought she was a bit weird but most admired how she packed up her life (and her cats) and moved half-way around the world to take a risk and study what she loved. Her adjustment was a challenge but her performance, dedication to her studies, and respect for her peers earned mutual respect.

The bottom line is, try to stay rooted in the present. When you're overwhelmed with doubt and find yourself imagining horrible scenarios and trying to plan in your head a thousand ways to prepare for those scenarios, try to remember to bring yourself back to the present - to what is really happening. Where are you at that given moment? How are you feeling? Where are you? The thoughts you're having are just thoughts and they're not true.Focus on what's true (e.g. I just ate a sandwich, I emailed my adviser a question, I'm feeling anxious about my paper, my neck is stiff, etc.) As someone who deals with chronic worrying, I empathize with your concerns. There might be one or two people in your cohort who judge you harshly, but I promise you that it's only because they have low self-esteem and their over-confidence mask their insecurities. Level headed peers will be able to see this clearly and as long as you are true to yourself, work hard, and treat everyone with respect, they will respect you. It is entirely possible to have close friendships with older classmates. The worry and fears are natural to anyone embarking on a new and challenging adventure, but they are magnified because of your age. In time, you will trust yourself more and care about what other people think a little less. Allow yourself to grow during this process.

Once again, congratulations and have a wonderful time in grad school!

[EmilyChopin]

Chasely: I did feel that the students I met were very kind to one another, and I sat in on a class session where they encouraged everyone to contribute to the discussion, even me.

oswic: Thank you so much for the kind response. I cannot articulate how much I appreciate you going out of your way to comfort a stranger. Thank you. : )

[SeriousSillyPutty]

From what I've picked up on (and I haven't started grad school yet, so take this for what you will) programs that people tend to do right out of undergrad tend to be more cut-throat, whereas programs that appeal to people with work experience tend to function more like the work environment -- where some people may be cut throat, but most people are trying to work together to get things done. In that sense, if you were with 22-year-olds, they may feel insecure that someone young is as successful as them, but if you're with older people, they probably care more about their own progress than how they compare to you.

The other thing about the working world is that there's a lot more interaction among people of different ages, so you classmates may be used to working with younger people. You are exceptionally young for grad school, so people will comment on it probably, but don't take it as a bad thing; it's just interesting to people. For instance, I was with a group of peers and somehow the "hanging chads" incident of the 2000 election came up, and I mentioned that I was too young to vote at the time. One of the other people in the group (who I hadn't really thought about being 10 years older than me) said, "You were still in HIGH SCHOOL?! I feel so old!" -- but it was all in good fun.

Just don't act like you know everything about the world, and try to accept "mothering" with grace. If you're not put off by asking people about their kids, it's a topic most parents are quite adept at carrying on, and could save you some conversational burden.

Congrats & good luck!

[milam1186]

Day one, single out the toughest member of the cohort and beat them up. From then on, you'll have cred with everyone and they'll leave you alone.

[mandarin.orange]

From what I've picked up on (and I haven't started grad school yet, so take this for what you will) programs that people tend to do right out of undergrad tend to be more cut-throat, whereas programs that appeal to people with work experience tend to function more like the work environment...

Oh my God, I meant to +1 this. Sorry! Stupid iPad...

[OregonGal]

Day one, single out the toughest member of the cohort and beat them up. From then on, you'll have cred with everyone and they'll leave you alone.

Best advice ever

Seriously though, I know someone who graduated college at 20 (skipped a grade in middle school, used AP credits to graduate in 3 years) and went straight into a Masters in Social Work. That's a degree where the average age is late twenties, so it was intimidating for her to be with a lot of people who were, yes, married/with kids or at least with a lot more 'life experience' than her. However, it meant she could benefit from their input in classroom discussions and from what she's said she didn't have personality conflicts with them along the lines of "what can she know she's so young". I definitely agree with SeriousSillyPutty that in programs weighted towards experience, the cohort seems much more collegial because people are used to working with others of all ages and backgrounds, versus a younger program where many are still in 'class competition' mode.

Also, don't discount your own experiences. Just because they're a bit more compressed than your cohort's doesn't mean you don't have valuable input to give in class discussions or coursework.

Congratulations on all your accomplishments so far! First-gen college student graduating in 3 years and going straight into a professional graduate program is pretty amazing.

[EmilyChopin]

Thanks for the kind words everyone!

I feel much better already. I think I knew it probably wouldn't be bad, but it is such a relief to hear it from someone else who's been there.

[echolikebells]

Really just wanted to stop by and say you won't be going through this situation alone. I just turned 21 last week and am about to graduate undergrad and enter an M.Ed that attracts a lot of people who have already been working for years. I'm nervous about it too-- I'm just banking on them not realizing how young I am until they already either like me (hopefully) or don't like me (you can't win everyone over).

Edited April 4, 2012 by echolikebells

[busybee3]

I finished my first graduate degree at 20 and didn't experience any conflicts with my classmates. If anything, I was more of a novelty to them. There were awkward moments when my friends would go out and I couldn't hang with them due to age restrictions. That's par for the course and probably something you've already experienced as an undergrad, though to a lesser extent.

[oswic]

Best of luck!

[MaxiJaz]

I finished my first graduate degree at 20 and didn't experience any conflicts with my classmates. If anything, I was more of a novelty to them. There were awkward moments when my friends would go out and I couldn't hang with them due to age restrictions. That's par for the course and probably something you've already experienced as an undergrad, though to a lesser extent.

Holy smokes! *Bows* I hope you didn't mean "finish first undergrad at 20".

Edited April 6, 2012 by MaxiJaz

[busybee3]

No typos...correct as written :-)

[habanero]

I've always been 'the baby' and got my undergrad degree at 19. I totally understand your fear, but you will be a novelty. People aren't going to be envious of you unless they are very shallow and petty. Please enjoy yourself! You will do well. Make sure to get some friends your own age lest you become too serious! haha

[Ennue]

I agree that it shouldn't be a problem for class discussions and such, and if it is, that is -their- issue, not yours. You deserve to be there, and you have things to contribute!

I was also a fairly young student though, went to undergrad when I just turned 17, started a master's when I just turned 21. And I would advise you, especially if the other students in your program are all older, married, and busy with other things in their life, to make friends your own age like habanero said. This is not just a time to study and develop yourself academically, but also to do so emotionally, and when going to grad school so young one of the risks is that you get stuck in what you like now, rather than keep developing as a person.

Ugh, that sounds cliche. I just mean: join some clubs on campus with age-peers, and make sure you take time to enjoy stuff, not just to learn!

[annieca]

@Emily -

Yay! I'm in the same boat as someone else! I'll be starting grad school at 20 which is a little more than scary.

My biggest concern has to do with the awkwardness of the drinking situation. My sister (a grad student at Oregon) has occasionally had class in a bar. While I know that's a whole lot less likely than a bunch of grad students getting together for a drink after grading massive amounts of finals, it still worries me.

Anyone else have the experience of class in a bar?

[ANDS!]

Can someone give me advice? I don't even know what I'm asking, but some reassurance at the very least would be appreciated.

If these students don't warm up to you for artificial reasons - f*** em. Let them stew in their jealousy (and there probably will be folks there who deep down have issues, that they wont vocalize - and shouldn't). Plain as that. You are there because you are just as good as they are, regardless of age. I could see if this were a Psych program, or something where "life experience" is something valued in an applicant.

Anyone else have the experience of class in a bar?

o_0 I doubt this is something most people should have to worry about; and that if it did happen, it would happen for a VERY small class and be something spur of the moment. I - wouldn't be worried about it.

[TeaGirl]

Can someone give me advice? I don't even know what I'm asking, but some reassurance at the very least would be appreciated.

I went to do my Master's right after college when I was 21 years old. I may have been the youngest there (not sure) but I think most grad students are generally welcoming and looking to make friends. I have a bit of a shyness issue, and it took me a while to sort that out. Most of the closest friends I'd made were significantly older than me, by at least 5 years, and a few over 10 years older from completely different walks of life. My advice is not to focus so much on the differences between you, but just take it in stride. Just pay attention to whatever they're saying, talk about your own experiences (You are not too young. Your experiences matter) and don't focus or worry so much on what you ought to be doing or saying. Try to get involved in a few student activities/trips and invite them to come along, or suggest a group get-together at a coffee shop or restaurant so you all can get better aquainted.

And if someone is being unfriendly or making you feel unwelcome, then that person is simply not worth wasting an effort on!

And trust me, those who've been out school for a few years also worry about coping with classes and studying again. Everyone comes in with a few confidence issues. Given the fact that you've finished your degree and are going to grad school so quickly tells me that you'll fit right in at your grad school.

[ekans]

Can someone give me advice? I don't even know what I'm asking, but some reassurance at the very least would be appreciated.

I posted about a year ago. Since starting in my program, I've tried to keep a lid on the age issue--I never ask about anybody else's age, nor do I actively offer mine. But word does spread pretty quickly, and unfortunately the 'telephone effect' can result in distorted versions being passed around through the grapevine. I've mostly learned to deal with it by disregarding any disparaging comments that anyone tosses at me. It was wonderful to realize that if the worst things anyone could say about me were remarks about physical characteristics that I can't change, I was in pretty good shape! You're definitely not alone. Feel free to PM if you'd like to vent.

Edit: Also, not being able to go drinking isn't necessarily a bad thing. If your diet is anything like mine (i.e., terrible), then cutting out those useless carbs + not being hungover for work/class the next day isn't a bad deal, I'd say.

Edited April 9, 2012 by ekans

[juilletmercredi]

I was the youngest person in my primary cohort, and one of the youngest people in my secondary cohort. My primary field is also not one that normally accepts people straight out of undergrad. I'm doing just fine I had the same fears, but if they accepted you it's because they thought you had an appropriate background. Do the reading, take your time and build some confidence.

As for socializing…that was different. I did hang out with the next oldest person in my cohort, but she had a habit of reminding me how young I was (among other undesirable traits) so we don't hang out much anymore. The other people in my program didn't really have the same recreational interests as me when I was just 22 - so while I would definitely say we were friends and I am still friendly with them all, and we got together for studying and at each other's houses, I sought out a base of friends outside my cohort to party with. The master's students at my institution were closer in age and more diverse racially, so I was able to find some peers who still wanted to party the way I did my first couple years here. Most of my friends are still master's students who are outside of my cohort, but closer in age to me. (Not as much partying, though. Mostly we study together, and chill out.)

Jealousy wasn't really a problem, except from the one student who kept reminding me how much of a "baby" I am (really, she was only 3 years older than me, and everyone else in the program was older than her). All of the other students were friendly and welcoming and treated me like an equal.

I will say, Ekans is right about the grapevine distorting things. I was never very forthcoming with my age - I would only share if people asked me - but somehow me being 22 and coming straight from undergrad managed to mutate into me being a child prodigy who was a 19-year-old doctoral student. (Seriously. An MPH student I did not know very well asked my name, and when I told her, another MPH student who I knew as an acquaintance told her that I was only 19 and a child prodigy. I have no idea where she got that from. This was also my second or third year in the program, lol.)

Edited April 9, 2012 by juilletmercredi

[starbelliedsneetch]

i'm 21 and in an ma/phd program. like ekans said, do not ever ask anyone their age nor offer your own age (unless asked, then be honest). keep a low profile about age related stuff (don't say "oh, a high school reunion! whats that like?"), don't be obnoxious, and you'll be fine. often, when people find out how old i am after knowing me or working with me for a bit they express shock, saying things like "oh you seem so mature! i thought you were at least 25!"

another important factor has to do with how you dress and present yourself. if you're worried about being taken seriously, dress well (and professionally) every single day. it's very superficial and it shouldn't matter, but the sad truth is that it does make quite a difference. pay attention to what folks in their mid to late 20s are wearing, and emulate them.