After experiencing some really awful behavior, I can no longer be a member of this forum

[habanero]

After I began to get single negative downvotes on random old posts ( etc). I dropped around ~10 positive votes in 1 day without posting any new information. Many of the downvotes have been on highly-rated old posts in very inactive threads. I, of course, don't mind people expressing their opinions--but I don't feel like that is the case here. Right after the linked thread ended, the negative user began voting down all of my new comments obsessively. I spoke to a mod, but they said that they were unable to do anything about it. I stopped caring, but I can't ignore it after logging in today and seeing that the user has gone so far back. I've tried hard to be a positive member of this forum, but it is impossible when a user is systematically stalking my posts. It's taking an emotional toll on me. It might be silly to want to rack up positive votes on an internet forum, but I don't care. If this kind of behavior were going on in real life, I'd be getting a restraining order.

To the rest of the awesome posters on here: thanks for everything. Best of luck in graduate school! Don't say anything to make that user upset, or they might do the same thing to you.

[ktel]

If you look at the thread you linked, you can see that other posters have experienced the same thing. ANDS! has a -20 rating on a perfectly innocuous post. I think you are perhaps being a bit sensitive, as I don't think anyone really takes the ratings very seriously. I have to physically go look at your profile to see it, and I can't remember the last time I looked at someone's profile on here.

[felicidad]

I think that it may be more than one person, and they may be doing it because it annoys you. If you don't enjoy the forum anymore, it doesn't make sense to stay. However, I hope this one potentially fleeting incident doesn't drive you away permanently, all by itself. If you change your display name, you may find that some of it stops.

[Eigen]

As evidenced by the linked post, I think you are being quite sensitive.

And as to old threads being randomly up or downrated, that happens all the time. Sometimes it's someone stalking you, but at this time of year the board is also flooded with lots and lots of random people reading old threads and deciding they like or dislike posts.

I'll also note that you (at least in that post) took the attitude of telling someone who's been here a good bit longer than you that they were "going against the theme" of the message board.

Lots of the most valuable advice you'll find here are fairly blunt (and sometimes lightly sarcastic) posts when people are being told something they don't really want to hear. ANDSI in the thread you linked was one of those.

Many of the "newer" posters seem to have the idea that this board should be all about support, good vibes, and positive thoughts, whereas I'm of the opinion that it should be a place for advice, whether it's what you want to hear or not.

[GRAPEFRUITS]

Oh my god, this post is actually the most pathetic thing I've read in a while (and the War on Women is going on right now, you know).

[psychgurl]

I remember reading this thread a long time ago, habenero, and I remember thinking how some of the responses were needlessly harsh. And I think you have to remember that this isn't a popularity contest, and I think you have to ignore people who are rude to you. I do think that sometimes the posts go beyond sarcasm and bluntness (hey biogirl2012!)...totally unnecessary. No need for bullies here.

[QxV]

If being downvoted on an anonymous internet message board is that traumatic you should probably see psychologist irl. Is this your first time on the internet?

I think the assumption here is that a forum catering to graduate students would be excempt from the rubbish that goes around the rest of the internet.

Edited April 11, 2012 by QxV

[Bdeniso]

I dont understand why people care about fake internet points?

[Eigen]

And yet, people only seem to really complain when it's this particular kind of issue.

No one seems to have a problem with poor grammar, and typical "internet writing" (at least not to this degree), nor do people have a problem with the profusely positive-yet-unhelpful comments, or even the enormous threads of "pass your time playing word games".

It's just when someone bluntly states an opinion that they didn't want to hear. And then there's a long discussion of how this board should be "positive, and supporting of our fellow grad students and applicants". And honestly, I don't think any of ANDSI's posts in the initial thread were out of line, and given they hugely over-the-top title of this thread, I don't think many of the posts here were either.

If anything, this board goes towards a snowball effect of down-voting on anyone that doesn't rain sunshine and rainbows on the OP, often enough.

[psychgurl]

And yet, people only seem to really complain when it's this particular kind of issue.

No one seems to have a problem with poor grammar, and typical "internet writing" (at least not to this degree), nor do people have a problem with the profusely positive-yet-unhelpful comments, or even the enormous threads of "pass your time playing word games".

It's just when someone bluntly states an opinion that they didn't want to hear. And then there's a long discussion of how this board should be "positive, and supporting of our fellow grad students and applicants". And honestly, I don't think any of ANDSI's posts in the initial thread were out of line, and given they hugely over-the-top title of this thread, I don't think many of the posts here were either.

If anything, this board goes towards a snowball effect of down-voting on anyone that doesn't rain sunshine and rainbows on the OP, often enough.

The board doesn't have to rain sunshine and rainbows to foster a respectful environment. I only down vote when people are extremely rude and inappropriate...NOT when I merely dislike an opinion I didn't want to hear. For example, I don't like your posts on this thread, but I didn't down vote them. I don't see what comments above (about the thread being pathetic and the OP needing a therapist) accomplish.

[comm1980]

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Edited April 11, 2012 by comm1980

[Bdeniso]

I can't wait for OP to get feedback from her dissertation committee...meltdown.

This.

Or Oral defense of comps.

Or even just a first year paper rough draft.

[awvvu]

I'm not even sure what the purpose of those points are? Do people click on other people's names to view their score? Anyway, it's not like you're receiving harassing replies or private messages, so I don't see what the big deal is.

Edited April 11, 2012 by awvvu

[Eigen]

The board doesn't have to rain sunshine and rainbows to foster a respectful environment. I only down vote when people are extremely rude and inappropriate...NOT when I merely dislike an opinion I didn't want to hear. For example, I don't like your posts on this thread, but I didn't down vote them. I don't see what comments above (about the thread being pathetic and the OP needing a therapist) accomplish.

And my counterpoint would be that the original post in this thread did not foster a respectful environment. It did not invite discussion and discourse, but rather was phrased as a slightly paranoid-sounding rant following an ultimatum.

There were several posts in this thread that weren't particularly respectful, granted, but I'm referring more to other recent threads. See ANDSI's responses in the thread posted by the OP. They were not rude, or overtly harsh. Slight bit of biting sarcasm, perhaps, and fairly blunt. And they had an emmense snowballing of downvotes. Perceived "unsupportiveness" on these forums at around this time of year results in a dogpile effect unlike any other, and I'm not just talking about this thread.

[Semester Photon]

I think the point the original poster was making is that she came to the grad cafe for a supportive environment. I don't think it's fair to imply that she can't hack it in grad school. It's all about situation versus expectation.

Now some of us have thick skin from being amateur writers (everyone's a critic), so we may be more jaded than the rest. I really didn't expect this forum to act much different than other forums on the internet. There will always be people offering their most helpful (read: critical) advice, and people making humorous (read: mean) remarks. It's important to take it with a grain of salt as these aren't usually people who know you in any real way. Just as you don't know them.

I do hope you don't let it get to you. Making it through tough times (like grad school) can be dependent on finding people that are supportive of you. I know it can be hard to develop "thick skin." However, for me, it was mostly a matter of going back into the "lion's den" time after time like I had no memory of how much it hurt the time before until I was able to look on the positive side (read: hear what wasn't said. Lol)

[comm1980]

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Edited April 11, 2012 by comm1980

[Sigaba]

I can't wait for OP to get feedback from her dissertation committee...meltdown.

This.

Or Oral defense of comps.

Or even just a first year paper rough draft.

And how do either of you know what these experiences are like?

I think that some of the members of this BB who are dog piling on the OP are using the anonymity of the internet to practice habits that are going to lead to profoundly unhappy moments in graduate school.

Here's the deal. Everyone (including tenured prize winning professors) has buttons they'd rather not have pushed. Almost everyone (including tenured prize winning professors) are going to get those buttons pushed. Most of the time, the buttons are pushed accidentally. Sometimes, the buttons are pushed to see what you're made of. Rarely, the buttons are pushed because someone wants to make you look bad.

How are you going to respond when you don't have +1/-1 buttons in front of you? Are you going to make a public statement about pulling back? Are you going to get snarky with someone face to face? Or are you going to laugh into your sleeve? How will you want to be treated when you're the one whose buttons are getting pushed? Will you want sympathy, empathy, or callous snark?

[go3187]

I'll also note that you (at least in that post) took the attitude of telling someone who's been here a good bit longer than you that they were "going against the theme" of the message board.

Are you referring to the OP's posts in

In my opinion, she didn't come close to telling someone that they were "going against the theme" of the board. The way I read post #9 in that thread, she wrote what drew her to the board ("I was drawn to TheGradCafe.com for the supportive and positive environment."), and how she thinks many others view the forum ("I think that many other posters feel the same way about this forum."). To me, that means sharing her experience and opinion ("I was drawn", "I think"), not telling anyone what's the "theme" of the board.

In reference to the other thread, would it hurt the OP to send the professors a personalized email if that's what she wants? I don't think it would, although I wouldn't have done it myself (but then, I also wasn't in that situation when I applied). And if it doesn't hurt sending personalized emails, then ANDS!'s advice was not really better than different views presented in the thread.

ANDS! first reply there, and the OP's reply to his/her post, were polite. But because the OP (politely) disagreed with ANDS!'s suggestion, she got back a sarcastic reply, "Well then by all means, craft personalized emails for these instructors you have had these substantive conversations with who I am quite sure will remember you in 5 or 10 years.", followed by another, "But hey I'm sure someone will come along and tell the OP what they want to hear: personalized hand written cards (perhaps scented) expressing deepest regrets and the hope that this doesn't completely shatter their graduate program." There were others who agreed with ANDS! that a canned email would suffice. The OP didn't/doesn't seem to be bothered by those, so was she really upset because she "wasn't told what she wanted to hear"? I'm not so sure. She's the only one who can answer that, but I would assume that what bothered her was the part of ANDS!'s post that she quoted in her 2nd reply to him/her (post #9). It's the same that bothered me, too.

Among all the fluff existing on the board, the experienced grad students who give good advice, imo, do it bluntly, but with clear good intentions. I hope we all reply to others with good intentions. But while I see the good intentions behind ANDS!'s first reply, I fail to see them behind the unnecessary, repeated sarcasm.

That said, giving negative reputation points for reasons that have nothing to do with the actual posts isn't exactly what I would call "really awful behavior." I've seen so much worse online. I understand it can be upsetting though (been there; it took some gentle guidance from a dear friend to learn not to care).

[GRAPEFRUITS]

Yo I got downvoted like three times on this thread.

I'm leaving, you mean, mean, poopyheads!

[Sigaba]

The point is that if the OP can be this upset on an anonymous internet board, which is extremely PG compared to the rest of the internet, because a a few people downvoted their post (something extremely trivial which half the people on this forum don't even know about) then how are they going to take actual personal criticism.

Whats even more funny is that after reading the OP I gleefully downvoted it, then checked the OPs profile only to see she(?) had a positive rating in the high 20s. I have never seen one that high. The fact that just a couple (literally) downvotes, which are not even noticeable in her reputation, made her upset enough to quit the forums is funny. How can you function in the real world if you are this sensitive?

sheneron--

I think we're reading the OP differently. From my perspective, the issue isn't just that she's being down voted but her perception that she's being stalked and does not feel safe on this BB.

[comm1980]

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Edited April 11, 2012 by comm1980

[psychgurl]

sheneron--

I think we're reading the OP differently. From my perspective, the issue isn't just that she's being down voted but her perception that she's being stalked and does not feel safe on this BB.

totally. this is about trolling behavior, not just random reputation points.

[comm1980]

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Edited April 11, 2012 by comm1980

[Eigen]

Are you referring to the OP's posts in

In my opinion, she didn't come close to telling someone that they were "going against the theme" of the board. The way I read post #9 in that thread, she wrote what drew her to the board ("I was drawn to TheGradCafe.com for the supportive and positive environment."), and how she thinks many others view the forum ("I think that many other posters feel the same way about this forum."). To me, that means sharing her experience and opinion ("I was drawn", "I think"), not telling anyone what's the "theme" of the board.

In reference to the other thread, would it hurt the OP to send the professors a personalized email if that's what she wants? I don't think it would, although I wouldn't have done it myself (but then, I also wasn't in that situation when I applied). And if it doesn't hurt sending personalized emails, then ANDS!'s advice was not really better than different views presented in the thread.

ANDS! first reply there, and the OP's reply to his/her post, were polite. But because the OP (politely) disagreed with ANDS!'s suggestion, she got back a sarcastic reply, "Well then by all means, craft personalized emails for these instructors you have had these substantive conversations with who I am quite sure will remember you in 5 or 10 years.", followed by another, "But hey I'm sure someone will come along and tell the OP what they want to hear: personalized hand written cards (perhaps scented) expressing deepest regrets and the hope that this doesn't completely shatter their graduate program." There were others who agreed with ANDS! that a canned email would suffice. The OP didn't/doesn't seem to be bothered by those, so was she really upset because she "wasn't told what she wanted to hear"? I'm not so sure. She's the only one who can answer that, but I would assume that what bothered her was the part of ANDS!'s post that she quoted in her 2nd reply to him/her (post #9). It's the same that bothered me, too.

Among all the fluff existing on the board, the experienced grad students who give good advice, imo, do it bluntly, but with clear good intentions. I hope we all reply to others with good intentions. But while I see the good intentions behind ANDS!'s first reply, I fail to see them behind the unnecessary, repeated sarcasm.

That said, giving negative reputation points for reasons that have nothing to do with the actual posts isn't exactly what I would call "really awful behavior." I've seen so much worse online. I understand it can be upsetting though (been there; it took some gentle guidance from a dear friend to learn not to care).

I can certainly see that perspective on the thread. It's just not how I read it, and I would assume by ANDS!'s response, not how they read it either.

To me, it seemed like a "usual" case of someone asking a very open ended question, getting one of the two possible answers, and then disagreeing with it. Which is frustrating.

If you have a specific opinion, why not state it in the original post? A pattern of asking for (and then disagreeing with) the opinion offered is kind of annoying, and it seems to happen a lot at this time of year.

I don't see the sarcastic reply as rude, and in fact, it made me chuckle, but I can see why it might have set the OP on edge, just as I hope they can see why their posts have done the same to others.

But it's not good form to ask someone to not reply to thier posts if they can't do it according to specific guidelines. Just like it's not generally a good idea to ask questions to which you want a specific answer.

[GRAPEFRUITS]

totally. this is about trolling behavior, not just random reputation points.

TROOLZ R SRS PROBLEMS RLY

I can't wait until there are real world -/+ 1 buttons. Life will be so much more dramatic and awesome.