Dating younger men

[wildviolet]

OK, I cannot believe I'm actually going to ask, but I really want to know what the GradCafe community thinks, so here goes... what do women think about dating younger men? And, what do men think about dating older women?

Now, I don't mean cougars chasing after 20-somethings.

Here's the situation: When I went on my campus visit, I met several current students. One of them was a very cute first-year doctoral student. We had a great hour long conversation--the kind that you wish would never stop. Afterwards, a few minutes of web searching revealed that he graduated three years after I did. So, assuming, he graduated when he was 22, that would make him at least three years younger than me (I'm 33). I completely forgot to check his ring finger (and some married men don't wear rings anyway), and I have no idea if he has a girlfriend or is engaged. But, if he isn't, I plan on strategically bumping into him in the building.

I've never considered dating younger men. I always thought (for whatever deluded reason) that the "perfect" age would be two years older than me--well, my ex was two years older than me, so that didn't quite work out. But, now that I'm in my early thirties, things are different. Younger men (i.e., late twenties) aren't all necessarily immature and selfish.

Anyway, thoughts on this? First-hand experience? Thanks for commenting.

Edited June 25, 2012 by wildviolet

[jeffster]

Honestly, I know a number of people in relationships where the woman is older, though maybe it's less common than the reverse. The older you get the less age matters anyway, and once you're both in your 30s, I wouldn't even spare it a second thought. You probably have more in common with a 3-year (or even 10-year) younger fellow grad student than you do with someone the same age who has no college education and four kids.

[ktel]

^ God somebody ban him already...

To the OP, I would hardly consider a 3 year age difference significant, especially at your age. My mom is 6 years older than my dad, they met when she was about your age.

[imonedaful]

Agree with the poster above. Three years is a wash. You should look at men as being in your age bracket, not younger/ older. A few years one way or the other does not drastically change a person maturity level. Make your decision based off on personality factors. Older does not necessarily mean wiser. It actually makes more sense from an athropologic standpoint for women to marry younger men since we typically live longer them. haha

[Eigen]

Go for it.

I'm two years younger than my wife, and I know a number of other couples with similar age differences.

As has been said, once you get older, the couple of years matters less and less.

[OregonGal]

I think that when you're talking age differences, the older you are the wider they can be before there's a serious barrier. Like: in high school, a senior dating a freshman or even sophomore (3-4 years difference) can be viewed as somewhat shady because an 18 year old can be so much more mature and experienced than a 14 or 15 year old. However, by the time you're graduating college it's less of a big deal to be a senior dating a sophomore. I know I as a mid-twenties person would have doubts about dating a junior in college because you have so many experiences between graduation and a couple years into your career; however a 30 year old and a 27 year old probably are in similar stages in life. Once you get older, such as in your 40s and 50s, I think it spreads out even more--like a 45 year old dating a 54 year old.

[wildviolet]

Agree with the poster above. Three years is a wash. You should look at men as being in your age bracket, not younger/ older. A few years one way or the other does not drastically change a person maturity level. Make your decision based off on personality factors. Older does not necessarily mean wiser. It actually makes more sense from an athropologic standpoint for women to marry younger men since we typically live longer them. haha

Right, LOL.

Yeah, it makes sense to think of it as age brackets. I just hope he's not attached already 'cause I have the biggest 16-year-old crush on him.

[robot_hamster]

30 vs 33, not a big deal in my opinion. I think everyone else is right on this. Good luck!

[bedalia]

Right, LOL.

I just hope he's not attached already 'cause I have the biggest 16-year-old crush on him.

So sweet! I hope you'll keep us posted!

[Hank Scorpio]

Yea, I agree with what others have said above...well, with what everyone above has said (except one post..can you guess which? lol). Within reason, it's more being at different stages in life than in age itself that would present a problem. My parents are 9 years apart, and met when my dad was 35 and my mom was 26, but they were at the same stage in life when they met, so it wasn't a huge deal (if at all).

For me, I'll be turning 30 in a few months and I would go as low as 25 or so, and as high as 35 or so...but again, just as others said, it would depend on their maturity, their personality, and where they are in life.

Best of luck!!

[brancan]

Interesting post. I'll be moving to a small city in the midwest (from Toronto) in a few weeks, right before my 28th birthday. Since the city (Columbia, MO) is about a quarter undergrads, I'm a bit worried about my dating prospects for the next four years. There are grad students and people not affiliated with the university, sure, but I'm scared. I'm also gay and, even though there are two gay bars, I'm not really optimistic about the LGBT scene. I mean, it's hard enough to date in Toronto - where there are tens of thousands of homosexuals and I live in the gay village.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is that I've already started to look at my list and attempt to decide which things are deal-breakers and which are negotiable. Age is negotiable for me, but only to a point. I don't think I would date anyone under 25. And that's actually a compromise, because my ideal man would be between 27 and 35. That said, I think I'd reconsider if I met a 24-year-old who blew my socks off. This guy obviously blew your socks off within an hour, so I say go for it. And then tell us how it goes!

Edited June 26, 2012 by brancan

[wildviolet]

So sweet! I hope you'll keep us posted!

Thanks! We'll see...

This guy obviously blew your socks off within an hour, so I say go for it. And then tell us how it goes!

Yes, and I wish you luck, too. But, in my field, there are many more women than men, and many of the men are married or otherwise engaged. If this guy doesn't work out, I may have to branch out to other fields, like engineering!

[Sigaba]

MOO, the issue is not the age difference, but the context -- a first-year doctoral student in your field. Will you be able to stake out enough space/time for yourself if a relationship develops? Will you be able to step back from the personal to focus on the academic side of your interaction with him or he with you? (For example, one of you pulls punches out of concern for the romantic aspect of the relationship.)

And then there's the issue of your personal privacy. The amount of, ah, comparing of notes, that can go on in a department is something you will have to experience to believe. And I'm not talking about the graduate students. Even if things unfold brilliantly--and I hope that they do, you deserve to be happy--people are going to know your business.

Finally, the pressures of graduate study can be a third person in the room. Everyone freaks out. At least once. Will you be able to handle your freak out while he's going through one of his own? Will you be able to handle freaking out and him taking a step back so he can stay focused? Yes, the other side of the coin is that you and he can be each others rocks. But what are the odds?

And if things go swimmingly, what then? Do you have the discipline to pick the suck of grad school over joy consistently enough that you can stay focused on your studies?

Regardless of your decision, please do come back to this thread from time to time to let everyone know your choices and the consequences thereof.

[ktel]

^ God somebody ban him already...

To the OP, I would hardly consider a 3 year age difference significant, especially at your age. My mom is 6 years older than my dad, they met when she was about your age.

Unrelated, but since the offending post above mine got deleted, it looks like I want someone to ban jeffster...

[wildviolet]

MOO, the issue is not the age difference, but the context -- a first-year doctoral student in your field. Will you be able to stake out enough space/time for yourself if a relationship develops? Will you be able to step back from the personal to focus on the academic side of your interaction with him or he with you? (For example, one of you pulls punches out of concern for the romantic aspect of the relationship.)

And then there's the issue of your personal privacy. The amount of, ah, comparing of notes, that can go on in a department is something you will have to experience to believe. And I'm not talking about the graduate students. Even if things unfold brilliantly--and I hope that they do, you deserve to be happy--people are going to know your business.

Finally, the pressures of graduate study can be a third person in the room. Everyone freaks out. At least once. Will you be able to handle your freak out while he's going through one of his own? Will you be able to handle freaking out and him taking a step back so he can stay focused? Yes, the other side of the coin is that you and he can be each others rocks. But what are the odds?

And if things go swimmingly, what then? Do you have the discipline to pick the suck of grad school over joy consistently enough that you can stay focused on your studies?

Regardless of your decision, please do come back to this thread from time to time to let everyone know your choices and the consequences thereof.

Sigaba--thanks for your concern.

Well, I have thought of all of that and consequently scoured all of the GC postings about dating issues in grad school, especially within one's cohort or department. That's why I didn't ask--I thought that the existing threads on the topic were sufficient.

The upside of going through a messy and emotional divorce about five years ago (I married my college sweetheart when I was 24), was a renewed focus on taking care of myself and my future. I'm more confident and happy with life than I've ever been, and my primary goal in grad school is to write a kick-ass dissertation that will help me get a job. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship necessarily, but it happened. I think there are pros and cons to everything (yin and yang, you know?), so I'm not expecting a smooth ride. But, if it does go somewhere, I'm not going to stop it. Other people on GC have mentioned the importance of work/life balance, and I don't expect to be spending 100% of my time and energy on grad school.

[honkycat1]

Like everyone said, age is irrelevant.

What I'm more interested in is if this person is single. In my department, it seems like 85% of the people are not. So, best of luck if he is single Maybe there are more single 30year olds than early 20s.

I do have a theory, people who get married under 25 have a insanely high divorce rate (~70%?) as opposed to people married after 25, and I think that is a result of SO MANY PEOPLE getting married to their college sweethearts or whatever before anyone has a big boy job, enter the real world. Thats why so many of them are divorced by the time they hit 30.

[Riotbeard]

I live my life by the parks and rec. creep rule. half your age and add 7 for the minimum age you can date, so 3 years younger is just fine. So for me being 25 I can date girls 20+. I would date an older girl and have, and in particular three years is hardly a meaningful difference.

[GreenePony]

I live my life by the parks and rec. creep rule. half your age and add 7 for the minimum age you can date, so 3 years younger is just fine. So for me being 25 I can date girls 20+. I would date an older girl and have, and in particular three years is hardly a meaningful difference.

My husband operated under that rule before we met (it seems to have been around before parks & rec), the only time we discouraged friends from dating older/younger is when a 30 yo wanted to date a not yet 21 yo (never-mind that their personalities wouldn't match) so it violated the creeper rule.

DH and I are 3.5 or so years apart (albeit in the reverse of your situation but in my mind, at the age you are talking guys seem to have more or less settled into their "adult" personality) and we started dating when I was 18 so I personally don't see a problem with an age gap if personalities are compatible. Of our coupley friends, there are age gaps between a couple months to close to 7 or so years with sometimes the wife being the elder.

[wildviolet]

What I'm more interested in is if this person is single. In my department, it seems like 85% of the people are not. So, best of luck if he is single Maybe there are more single 30year olds than early 20s.

I do have a theory, people who get married under 25 have a insanely high divorce rate (~70%?) as opposed to people married after 25, and I think that is a result of SO MANY PEOPLE getting married to their college sweethearts or whatever before anyone has a big boy job, enter the real world. Thats why so many of them are divorced by the time they hit 30.

Yeah, I'd like to know if he's single, too! I'll find out in a few weeks...

Yes, what you described was my situation.

Something that I should add, though, is that my ex is bipolar and he never shared that with me directly. He finally told me about it when we were on the verge of separating. I read all I could about bipolar disorder, and it all started to make sense--his bizarre energy levels, moods, violent outbursts, uncontrollable temper, and charismatic personality. If he had told me about it truthfully, when we first met, I probably wouldn't have stayed with him let alone marry him (that's probably why he didn't tell me). Any kind of mental illness just complicates things in a relationship; it's not impossible, but it's more difficult. So besides youth, there may be other factors.

Edited July 18, 2012 by wildviolet

[amandacarol1215]

I'm glad to see someone is potentially in the same situation I am. I've recently met a guy and we have gotten extremely close over the past month or so. I'm 23 (just finished my first year of my PhD) and he is 20 (turning 21 in September, working on his undergrad degree, planning on going to school for Physical Therapy). It has taken me some time to mentally get over the fact that he graduated high school a year before I graduated college, but we will see how things go!

[TheFez]

Just what I don't need in my 1st year of a PhD program.... dames.

[R Deckard]

Just what I don't need in my 1st year of a PhD program.... dames.

Going to disagree with you here.

Edited July 28, 2012 by R Deckard

[Duna]

I think this whole thread is simply adorable. Girl, I wish you all the best!

And if it doesn't work out, there'll be others...

[wildviolet]

I think this whole thread is simply adorable. Girl, I wish you all the best!

And if it doesn't work out, there'll be others...

Thanks!

Now that I'm on campus and about to begin my program, it's becoming very real. I'll keep you all posted.