What's Hanging in the Balance for You?

[bfat]

Well, it's January 2, so officially time to either freak out or distract myself with this forum. I choose the latter.

 

I just thought it would be interesting or cathartic to talk about what's up in the air for each of us during this miserable waiting period. For me, it feels like a whole heck of a lot. I'm married with a small baby, so basically, depending on whether or not I get in (and where) I've got to deal with the following:

 

If I get in:

• We'll have to sell our house in crappy housing market (in an increasingly crappy neighborhood)
• My husband will have to find a job in a new city
• We'll need to find a new (more affordable) house (or apartment? Ugh), and manage to move there with 2 dogs, a cat, and a baby over the summer
• We'll be moving away from our families, which means finding (and paying for) childcare from strangers in a strange city

All of these things are scary, but I'm perfectly happy to do them--it's just not knowing whether I will need to and where we will need to do them... and also the pressure of getting it all done in the 4-month period or so between being admitted and actually starting the program. And of course, if I don't get in, I'll need to find some kind of temporary employment and save up money to go through this whole mess again.

 

I'm sure there are others in similar situations. What are you anxious about besides admissions?

[whirledpeas13]

Bfat-- I am I'm the same boat!! I am soo stressed out because I also have a small baby and husband to consider. I am typing this on my phone as I wait for my baby to wake (showing just how obsessive I am right now!). We have to relocate with a ton of stuff (my husband's music equipment, our kitty, baby gear, etc). Not to mention the trip itself -- **hopefully** a cross country car trip (should I get into my top choice program). I am the family planner and I feel cathartic not being able to do anything right now and terrified should I not get in anywhere. I'm worried about cost of living, daycare/preschool programs, SAFE and AFFORDABLE housing, the COST of moving.... Oh my. I've never done this before and have literally no help, so I really would like to get started, but there really is no use looking into all of that for each city until I know if I've been accepted (although at some point I will probably begin anyway).

[radiomars]

I truly don't have a back-up plan and am kind of refusing to make one at this point, so here's hoping Plan A works out. I feel you on the whole wanting to plan but not being able to plan thing. I could be in any of four cities next year and it's driving me crazy not being able to prepare for it.

 

And I actually had to end a relatively great relationship recently as I've been traveling for 5 months and am moving out of our city, but I also don't want to start dating new people now because of the same reason. It's weird being in limbo like this.

[viggosloof28]

I'm with you, radiomars. I applied to ten different schools, only one of which is in the state I'm currently living in. It's impossible to begin planning any kind of logistics before I figure out where I'll be moving...and it seems pointless to begin dating someone now. I don't have any kind of back-up plan yet either. Jobs aren't too thin on the ground here in Texas, so I'm sure I can come up with something...but I've been in limbo so long now, feeling like I'm just waiting for my life to really start (whatever that means), that I'm terrified by the prospect of not getting in anywhere. It's going to be a rough couple of months as these admissions decisions arrive! Best of luck to everyone! Hang in there!

[foreverfree]

I truly don't have a back-up plan and am kind of refusing to make one at this point, so here's hoping Plan A works out. I feel you on the whole wanting to plan but not being able to plan thing. I could be in any of four cities next year and it's driving me crazy not being able to prepare for it.

 

And I actually had to end a relatively great relationship recently as I've been traveling for 5 months and am moving out of our city, but I also don't want to start dating new people now because of the same reason. It's weird being in limbo like this.

Same here, though I figure if I don't get accepted I'll just look for a job. That being said, I'm pretty sure somewhere will want me, right!? But not being able to plan yet is driving me crazy. I'm looking at houses in all the places I could be in as well but not knowing is disappointing because I'm super excited for grad school and to move on with my life. 

[LMac]

Thank you for starting this thread. I know I'm not the only one facing these challenges, but sometimes I lose site of that. @bfat and @whirledpeas13, I can't imagine pursuing this with a baby and I have a lot of respect for both of you for doing so. @radiomars, I'm sorry you had to end your relationship. As I tell my husband, the only way to guarantee that we will never improve our situation is to not try, so here's to all of us for putting ourselves through this.

 

For me...

My husband and I own our home, which we would have to sell or rent. It's worth about 75% of what we paid for it, so that's fun.

We have lived here for 8 years meaning we have a TON of stuff we'd have to figure out how to move, including a baby grand piano.

My husband owns his own business, which he would have to give up and rebuild somewhere else

I'd most likely move by myself at first and my husband would be 6-12 month behind me while he wraps things up.

We will have to find affordable housing that allows our 2 dogs and 2 cats.

Not to mention leaving friends and his family

 

And as previously mentioned by other posters, I can't plan for any of it until I know if/where I'm going. This means that my husband and I can't discuss the reality of what the move would mean for him because it could be any 1 of 7 cities. He's so supportive, but I feel guilty for putting him through this.

[Bearcat1]

I'm going crazy not being able to plan as well. I go on Craigslist daily and look at rentals, but not know which of the 9 cities (if any) I'll be in is driving me bonkers. We sold our house in preparation for this (we heard it could take a year to sell and it took three weeks!) and our rental situation isn't long term. Meaning if I don't get in, we'll still have to plan a move somewhere. I'll also have to get a "real" job, as I'm working part-time now, so although I don't technically have a Plan B, there are a bunch of things that have to be done. 

 

I've never moved further than about 25 miles, so packing up our lives is a daunting task. And how do you even select a moving company?!?!?! Then my husband will need a new job wherever we go, and when do you start looking? Immediately? What if he gets a job immediately and has to move in May when I have a job through July here? And we're facing a cross-country road trip with a small menagerie. (To echo LMac, I have so much respect for bfat and whirledpeas13; I am so stressed out thinking about moving pets, and you have kids. You guys are my heroes.) Additionally, several of the places I applied would allow me to ditch my car, for which my lease is up a couple months before we'd actually move, so I'm trying to figure out the logistics of living in a place where you absolutely need a car for 2-3 months without one. 

[shadowclaw]

While I don't have any children, I will have a new husband this July and we will be moving in together (we currently both live at home with our parents). So there are three possible outcomes:

 

1) I get accepted into a program with funding and have to move. Depending on where I am accepted, I might move three hours away, four to five hours away, or I might move halfway across the country. We've got a lot of stuff sitting in my basement right now for our future apartment, and we're going to get more closer to the wedding. So basically, getting into any of my top choices means piling everything into a moving truck and hoping my husband can find himself a job in our new town. The thought of moving so far from my family scares me quite a bit (ALL of my family except for one brother live within an hour drive of me - and that includes aunts, uncles, cousins, and the like), but when I applied to graduate school, I made the choice to not let fear of the unknown dictate my life.

 

2) I don't get into a program with funding, but do get accepted to a Master's program at a local state school (possibly with a very low paying TA position and a discount on tuition). This means more student loans (which I really don't want, but the tuition is fairy inexpensive), and I'll have to work while I go to school, which I've been doing anyway as an undergraduate. However, I can barely stand my current job and the only reason I haven't let is because I don't want to get another job and then have to quit in a few months to go to grad school. So realistically if I want to remain sane, I'd need to try to find a good paying job that doesn't require a lot of hours so I can focus on my studies. And my husband and I would probably live in my parents basement for two years to save money.

 

3) I don't get in anywhere, and I get myself a real job. Student loans start getting paid back, and if my soul isn't completely crushed, I reapply next year

[Robin_Sparkles]

I'm right there with you on not knowing.  Granted, I don't have children or husbands to worry about which I'm starting to feel rather thankful for right about now.  However, I don't even know what to expect in the next few months in regards to traveling.  A few of the programs I applied to offer interviews by invitation-only.  I already know I'll be driving to Cincinnati, flying to New York, and driving to Louisville in the next couple of months for guaranteed auditions, but not knowing if I'll have to make extra trips for callbacks or interviews is very stressful!  Particularly considering the high cost of travel.

 

And I don't think there's anything more nerve-wracking than not knowing where you'll be living.  I haven't applied to any programs near my current location and I also did not apply to any programs around my family.  I could end up in New York, Florida, California, Illinois, or a place or two in between.  Or- and this is the terrifying part- I could be rejected by every program and end up with no home to speak of and no other plans.  My apartment lease is up in the middle of May.  Not knowing where I'll be heading or if I'll have a place to call home is terrifying.  

 

Couple this with the fear of being able to afford grad school (and hoping for a generous financial package)...and 2013 is starting off on a rather unsure foot.  So happy to hear the fears and concerns of others- as opposed to the generic "Don't worry about it, you'll get in" I'm usually faced with.

[Bearcat1]

1) I get accepted into a program with funding and have to move. Depending on where I am accepted, I might move three hours away, four to five hours away, or I might move halfway across the country. We've got a lot of stuff sitting in my basement right now for our future apartment, and we're going to get more closer to the wedding. So basically, getting into any of my top choices means piling everything into a moving truck and hoping my husband can find himself a job in our new town. The thought of moving so far from my family scares me quite a bit (ALL of my family except for one brother live within an hour drive of me - and that includes aunts, uncles, cousins, and the like), but when I applied to graduate school, I made the choice to not let fear of the unknown dictate my life.

Edited January 2, 2013 by Bearcat1

[Bearcat1]

The good news is that all the stuff you get as wedding gifts will already be in boxes so you won't have to pack any of it to move! Silver lining!  

 

(Clearly I don't know how to work this thing...I couldn't make this one post.)

Edited January 2, 2013 by Bearcat1

[shadowclaw]

The good news is that all the stuff you get as wedding gifts will already be in boxes so you won't have to pack any of it to move! Silver lining!  

 

An excellent point!

[queenleblanc]

Ugh, you guys are dealing with a lot! My husband also vows to find a new job wherever we decide to go or wherever I get in, but we are also considering the possibility of me actually living in a roommate or single bedroom rental situation and commuting to school as our gas budget allows. The farthest away from our current work/home is about 6 hours away, and everything else is within the 3 to 6 hr away range, so we think we can do it if we have to... Because we are facing the reality of actually having to keep afloat and pay our bills... Ugh! Anyway, I don't know how much longer I can wait to hear from my applications! We need to plan to move and figure out his job situation ASAP, so I am definitely trying NOT to go crazy!

[Bearcat1]

Ugh, you guys are dealing with a lot! My husband also vows to find a new job wherever we decide to go or wherever I get in, but we are also considering the possibility of me actually living in a roommate or single bedroom rental situation and commuting to school as our gas budget allows. The farthest away from our current work/home is about 6 hours away, and everything else is within the 3 to 6 hr away range, so we think we can do it if we have to... Because we are facing the reality of actually having to keep afloat and pay our bills... Ugh! Anyway, I don't know how much longer I can wait to hear from my applications! We need to plan to move and figure out his job situation ASAP, so I am definitely trying NOT to go crazy!

 

A friend from my MA program commuted 3.5 hours to school and rented a little studio there for during the week. It worked out great for her!  

[queenleblanc]

A friend from my MA program commuted 3.5 hours to school and rented a little studio there for during the week. It worked out great for her!  

Thanks for the encouragement... We have explored the option in the past of him moving for a job and me finishing the school year (I am a teacher and breaking contract = loss of local supplement), so we are hopeful that if the split situation becomes reality that we can handle it... But ultimately we want his new job to materialize. We are definitely praying every day about it!!

[Bearcat1]

Thanks for the encouragement... We have explored the option in the past of him moving for a job and me finishing the school year (I am a teacher and breaking contract = loss of local supplement), so we are hopeful that if the split situation becomes reality that we can handle it... But ultimately we want his new job to materialize. We are definitely praying every day about it!!

 

 

I hear ya. We haven't even discussed what we'll do if my husband doesn't find a job right away, but it will likely be something similar. Not ideal, but doable for the short term. 

[laura_b]

Reading these posts, I am really glad I don't have kids to worry about yet! If I don't get in anywhere, I'm going to start sending query letters to agents and publishers. I have been saving my novel to workshop it first if I get into a program. I may also buy a new car with the money I have been squirreling away.

[amlobo]

I have a similar story to some of you, and it's good to know there are a few of us out there   My husband and I will have to sell our house and move across the country (most of the programs are over a day's drive away, easily).  Luckily, we only have a cat... though she hates to travel, which should make it fun.  I love our house, and I know we will be downsizing but paying more wherever I end up.  My husband will have to find a job in a new city... and he's an attorney, so he will have to take the bar exam in that state, too (he's rooting for different schools based on that state's exam, lol).  We will be moving away from my family, and we will have no family within driving distance wherever we end up.  I haven't even told my family that I'm applying because my mother would stage an intervention, I'm pretty sure.  I will break the news to her if I get in. 

 

I will have to quit my job (also as an attorney), but I think that is what I am most looking forward to.  The idea of getting in nowhere is scary, but mostly because I would have to stay at my job for another year!  I am glad to have steady employment, though... even if it's kind of miserable.

[PhDhopeful2013]

This is a great thread. It is nice to know that I'm not the only one feeling this anxiety.  Hopefully I will get in somewhere, which means that my soon-to-be fiance and I will be moving and planning a wedding over the coming months.  I'll be finishing my MA thesis this semester also, while all of these changes are (again, hopefully!) taking shape.  I'm so excited for the potential changes, but the uncertainty is stressful. plus it's not just me that's affected anymore.  I'm so lucky to have such a supportive partner, so I really hope he is able to find a fulfiling job wherever we end up!  these threads are therapeutic, but I wish i could just put the future out of my mind until I know what my options are.  oh and don't even get me started on the financial stresses!!  I do find that focusing on the excitement factor helps a bit.  That and checking my email constantly, reading these forums, and looking at last year's results to predict when I'll hear decisions!!  What a process this is!!

[Vader Was Framed]

For those with spouses in non-academic careers, how is your spouse dealing with the whole finding themselves a job in a TBD city thing going? I'm applying next year, my wife is generally supportive, BUT she loves her job in our current city. It's certainly going to be a two-person decision (both in where I apply and hopefully where I accept). She has her preferences on which cities we end up in. But it just so happens that one of the top programs I'm applying to, isn't exactly in her ideal city at all.

 

Any sage advice for folks who had to woo their spouse over time? What helped?

[Bearcat1]

For those with spouses in non-academic careers, how is your spouse dealing with the whole finding themselves a job in a TBD city thing going? I'm applying next year, my wife is generally supportive, BUT she loves her job in our current city. It's certainly going to be a two-person decision (both in where I apply and hopefully where I accept). She has her preferences on which cities we end up in. But it just so happens that one of the top programs I'm applying to, isn't exactly in her ideal city at all.

 

Any sage advice for folks who had to woo their spouse over time? What helped?

 

This is going to make me sound like a gigantic a-hole, but I basically laid it out for my husband by telling him I would end up resenting him if he held me back. (This was after an extensive discussion about my graduate career and the need for me to travel for research, for us to eventually move for my PhD, and all of the things I needed to do for the career I'm working towards before we got married, so I didn't marry him and then spring it on him.) We both agree that we don't love were we live now, so although most of the places I'm applying are not his idea of a great place to live, we've decided to look at the next five to seven years as an adventure. I assure him that wherever we go for my PhD is likely not our final destination, and I think that helps. He is VERY nervous about leaving a job he likes (not loves) with a company he's been with for a long time, but he's coming around to the adventure part of things slowly but surely.

 

We've talked about this move for about a year, and I think he's as excited as I am at this point about moving and doing something new. I really think the "this isn't forever" approach is a great one, especially since you will have many options in terms of places to live and use your degree. Another thing I've been doing is renting movies that make particular cities look fun/interesting, and finding shows on the Travel Channel and Food Network on the places I've applied to. Anthony Bourdain has actually very much helped in this process. 

[amlobo]

For those with spouses in non-academic careers, how is your spouse dealing with the whole finding themselves a job in a TBD city thing going? I'm applying next year, my wife is generally supportive, BUT she loves her job in our current city. It's certainly going to be a two-person decision (both in where I apply and hopefully where I accept). She has her preferences on which cities we end up in. But it just so happens that one of the top programs I'm applying to, isn't exactly in her ideal city at all.

 

Any sage advice for folks who had to woo their spouse over time? What helped?

 

Well, I had planned to apply in 2 years (for Fall 2015)... and it was actually my husband's job situation that led to me applying much sooner than anticipated.  Right now, he has a one-year term position, so he will have to start a new job in August anyway.  He told me I might as well apply now and see what happens.  He hopes that I find out where I'm attending by March so he can start job searching in the new city to start by August.  We also are saving up money in the event we have to live off of savings for a few months.  I had to relocate a few years ago for his schooling, and we lived on my part-time income for 9 months until I found a full-time job, so we are no strangers to pinching pennies.  The big thing for us was really discussing what we both needed.  We made the decisions together.  We agreed that I would apply only to fully-funded programs, in cities large enough for him to find a job.  One of the top programs in my field is in one of his least favorite options, but he has already said that if I get in, I can't turn it down. 

 

He was skeptical at first, but he eventually realized how miserable I was at my job and how perfect a career in academia and in my particular discipline would be for me.  It kind of took me being intolerably unhappy and providing him with endless information on funding, career prospects, etc. for him to see this as a viable option.  I encouraged him to research on his own, and he did... and he eventually got very excited about it.  I also threw in a few schools that are not perfect fits but are in areas he wants to live (and that I would still happily attend), to appease him.  Lol.

[bio0930]

I'm in a similar boat to bfat and whirledpeas with a few interesting logistical challenges of my own.  I'm in the Air Force serving in Japan with a Japanese wife who is pregnant with our first kid who is due in the summer.  So we have to figure out how to move everything we own from Japan to the States, and when we get there get vehicles, etc.  I haven't even thought about looking for cars yet.  Also, I'm getting a little tired of hearing from Japanese and Americans alike, "You guys leave in the summer, how do you not know where you're moving yet."

So I need to work on getting passports and visas for the wife and the kid, she'll need a visa.  Our cat will need all sorts of papers and shots and possibly quarantined.  

Also a couple schools have contacted me about how exactly I plan on doing interviews in the United States when I'm a half a world away.  They have offered to fly me from any American city to the interview city, but it's a $1500 round trip ticket from Tokyo to anywhere in the states.

 

I'm just trying to stay positive and focused.  My backup plan is to extend one more year in the Air Force, stay another year in Japan and reapply next year to probably a host of M.S. programs as a backup option.  I'm not getting any younger though at 31..

[Bearcat1]

  Our cat will need all sorts of papers and shots and possibly quarantined.  

 

I realize you have several other more pressing issues, but I wanted to pass along that in looking at what to do about my pets if I decide to go to Canada, I found the National Fish and Wildlife website and local office extremely helpful. The USDA has some info, too, but their websites are garbage and I couldn't get a human on the phone. But the NFW people were amazing, returning emails and messages, and helping me find info on taking my pets into Canada and how to bring them back after earning my degree. 

[amlobo]

Another thing I've been doing is renting movies that make particular cities look fun/interesting, and finding shows on the Travel Channel and Food Network on the places I've applied to. Anthony Bourdain has actually very much helped in this process. 

 

I seriously look for House Hunters or other shows on cities for schools I'm applying to... or search for houses/apartments in various areas online to entice hubby into seeing the wonderful options that await.  And, I point out his friends that live close to certain schools...