I Need a Hug.

[meowth812]

First year grad student here. I was in a PhD program, but I realized a few months in that the program was not for me at all, and after deliberating for a few months, I decided that I should drop down to the Master's program. I told my professor about it about a month ago, and he seemed all right with it, but he really wanted me to think about it. I walked in today and told him that I would like to drop down to do a Master's, and I got an unexpected response from a guy that is incredibly laid back and cool with everything. 

 

He was furious -- in a way where he's not yelling, but very quiet about it, which is almost scarier. He told me, in a nutshell, that I had been a "waste of time and money" and that he couldn't "waste anymore money on me" and that he felt betrayed and shitty. I was shocked, because he seemed absolutely fine with it the last time we talked! And he just kept on reiterating it over and over again like he really wanted to drill into my head that should be ashamed of myself. And then he said that he was stupid for bringing in an undergrad to start a PhD and that he learned his lesson. 

 

I couldn't control myself. I started crying. Oh god, how embarrassing. And he just sat there in silence and looked at me as I cried and I finally just had to get up and leave. The only nice thing he said was that he didn't hold grudges, but I never believe that. I am terrified now and feel like a terrible, miserable failure and disappointment. 

 

I also wanted to take that Masters and use it to get into a PhD program that actually fit me, but now I feel like the likelihood of getting in is pretty low now that I won't have any recommendations to send in. Same thing goes for funding -- I'm cut off, so if I want funding, I have to apply for scholarships, and those require a recommendation from the instructor. I'm freaking out. He has no reason to recommend me for anything at this point; he acts like he just wants me to get out of here. He even implied that I should just quit.

 

*big sigh*  I'm kind of distraught... any words of kindness, advice, or similar experiences would be appreciated. 

 

 

[Dal PhDer]

*hugs*

 

Honestly, if that wasn't the right PhD program for you, then you were completely right to switch down to an Masters. A PhD isn't something that you just do for fun, and does require investment and a bit of 'desire'.

 

I think your supervisor was in the wrong- but perhaps it was just a knee-jerk reaction. Regardless, you (as all students) should do what is best for you. A supervisor who respects their students and wants them to succeed in life (and happiness) will respect a student's choice. It doesn't matter about the money and time- if you're getting your masters that still a POSTIVE and FANTASTIC outcome and not a waste of ANYTHING!

 

I think a lot of supervisors think about themselves and what it means to have one more tick under the PhD Supervision box on their CVs. But in the end, that tick in their box (sounds so dirty...) doesn't help you, does it? So think about yourself and what is best for your career path!

[BioNeu91]

I'm so sorry for you.

Maybe he was having a bad day? Still, nothing can justify what said to you.

I really don't know what to say, but I'm virtually hugging you.

[fuzzylogician]

*hugs*

Take time to recover, but then schedule a meeting with your Director of Graduate Studies or the department chair. Try and negotiate a way to continue your Masters degree, perhaps with a different advisor. If that is an option that is on the books in your department, you have the right to try and make it work for you and hopefully there will be people in your program who will understand and agree to help you. Honestly, what your advisor did sounds completely out of order. Your reasons for wanting to switch programs are perfectly legitimate and you shouldn't have to apologize for them; a change in interests in no one's fault, and bad fit to begin with (if that was the case) is a bad decision on both sides, not just yours. I agree that getting a letter from this person now could be a problem, so you need to concentrate on finding replacements (like the DGS, dept. chair or other professors). All is not lost just because of this one bad interaction!

[St Andrews Lynx]

Hugs and sympathy. 

 

Perhaps the news came as a shock to your supervisor? He might not have realised when you first talked just how serious you were. I think it's likely that the words he said were in anger, and he'll probably regret he said them later. 

 

Anyway, its *far* better that you made the decision to get off the PhD program in your 1st year than realise 2-3 years in when it would be harder to get out. Deciding not to do a PhD DOESN'T make you a failure. 

[ohgoodness]

I'd just reiterate what has already been said: take some time to think about what has happened and how you feel about it.  You have taken a great step in a direction that you felt was right and big up to you! 

[Amerz]

I agree with everything everyone else said, and add my *hug*. That's awful, and completely innapropriate and unprofessional of him to vent at you like that! Like Fuzzylogician said, focus on working closely with other people to get letters from them instead. Maybe you can even fall back on some of your old recommenders from the last round. And when you reapply somewhere, you'll definitely have a chance to explain that you dropped out for a mature reason etc, and this was the outcome. There's definitely a way to explain it with that positive spin.

Good luck with everything!

[Tall Chai Latte]

I will add my hug too! *hug* At your stage, it is the best time to leave and switch. It's good that you realized this program is not for you, and really there is no shame in that. It takes more courage to admit something is wrong. 

[Miro]

*hugs, comfort food, long run in the woods, chocolate, umbrella and rain boots for this rainy day* what ever you need.

is the master program DGS different from the PhD program DGS? is so you need to talk to the master program whom might have some ideas on where you can find funding ir help you with the application process. also talk to your current DGS and see if he can help you find a different advisor to work for or even talk to the PI whose lab you are in now.

 

For recommendations in the future, you can always get one of the professor who taught you. you have a year to cultivate those relationships so that you may get strong letters of recs.

 

lastly, do not lose sight of what you want to do. Its always better to follow your dreams that to go through the motion of things.

 

good luck.

[katerific]

Dude, a million e-hugs to you. Honestly, his reaction sounds completely inappropriate. COMPLETELY f'ing ridiculous. I think everyone has given some good tips, but definitely talk to your program director. Personally, I suggest explaining to him/her what exactly happened. I assume it varies from program to program, but my impression is that programs would rather help students get a degree of some sorts rather than just, you know, yell at them inappropriately and cut them off completely. It is true that they HAVE invested time and money in you, but it'd be infinitely more constructive to help you get a degree and help you not fall off the map--wouldn't it look better for the school and the advisor?

I mean, that's just my logic, so yeah.

Here are some dogs hugging.

[meowth812]

Thank you, everyone! This was much better than I could have hoped for... so much love and support (and good advice!). 

 

I am going to work on building a good relationship with another professor, who I actually do the majority of my research with anyway. He is a lot nicer and more understanding. Officially, I am going to stay under my current professor, since he and I don't really see each other that much anyway and I think things will eventually simmer down. I'm currently avoiding all places he might frequent until we absolutely have to see each other for something.

 

I'm also working on finding some student aid and might have to find a night job, but I will do what I have to to get through this next year. 

 

Thanks again for all the support. You guys made me realize that my prof was being a jerk and that I should focus on how much better this is for me.