Living with parents while getting your Ph.D.

[kaister]

Is this totally lame?  The school where I think I may attend is in my hometown (I got extremely lucky and the fit is amazing at that school) and consequently I will most likely live with my parents.  The rent and cost of living is pretty high here, also I would ideally like to pay some of my student loans (from undergrad) down, so financially it's the smartest thing to do.  Thankfully I have a wonderful relationship with my parents, they're like my best friends, so I really have no issue with this at all, plus I get to enjoy time with our two dogs again.  Just wondering if anyone else is in this similar situation?  Thankfully I had a few years living alone as an undergraduate, so it's not like I haven't been on my own before.  It just feels like regression now.  Just wanted to hear opinions.

[uromastyx]

I would if I could.

[Eigen]

I would if I could. And I'm married. 

 

But then, we've always been supportive of a multi-family household. And we're close to my parents. If we can save rent by living under one roof, why not?

[misskira]

If it works for you, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. 

But since you asked, I think there is a difference between living with your parents as a responsible choice and living with your parents because you have to emotionally depend on them.  If that makes sense.  I wouldn't think poorly of you.

Edited February 12, 2013 by misskira

[St Andrews Lynx]

Me, personally? Could not live with my parents for 5-7 years. I'm having a tough time right now being back at home while I look for work. I've become used to complete independence.

The silver lining of living with parents at least is that you don't sign any type of rental contract with them: so if they drive you crazy you can find a flat and escape quickly!

[TeaGirl]

I don't think it should be a problem at all, especially since as you say, you get along great with them and you're doing it for financially responsible reasons. It's not like you're going to be taking pocket money and asking their permission to extend curfew. I'd think of it as sharing a house with your family and being there for each other in an equal relationship, rather than guardian/child one I think.

[kaister]

 I'd think of it as sharing a house with your family and being there for each other in an equal relationship, rather than guardian/child one I think.

Well, when you put it like that, it sounds much better.  Thanks!

[ArtHistoryandMuseum]

Also for financial reasons, I did part of my my master's while at my parents' house. There is likely no way to avoid completing some studies at home, but I found myself often in coffeehouses and sometimes the library to work, because parents unfortunately interrupted me. Taking out the dog and doing the dishes always had be done right now, lol

 

The advantage of the strategy I did is concentrating on your work elsewhere... and returning to the house to do whatever you need to do, or want to do. Plus, once your tasks for the day are in a good place, or finished, you'll feel more up to doing household chores, and anything else.

 

While you mention getting along with your folks, should that change or become strained during your stay there, I wonder if arriving early, or staying longer, on campus would also do the trick for your sanity/normalcy/clearheadness. Giving your parents space may also be helpful to them to keep sane/normal/clearheaded!

 

Finally, while returning to live with the parents is a more commonly elected choice these years, the decision will probably feel like a regression, a failure -- all with the possibility to erode deeply into your self-esteem. You may feel judged by others, in addition. That in mind: keep your head high, the brain focused, and remember the temporary pain is for the long-term good!

[SeriousSillyPutty]

My friend lived with her parents after her master's degree for several years, because she got a job in her home town and like others have said, it made the most financial sense. It made it a little trickier to invite people over, but she was also able to save up funds and just bought a house (she's 30). I don't know if you were planning to pay rent, but doing so may remove any stigma that gets sent your way -- maybe you pick up the internet bill or something that you'll be taking advantage of? Either way, as long as you and your parents talk about what's expected, I think it's a good setup. (Ex: If your mom is a worrier, maybe as a courtesy you let her know if you won't be coming home that night. Or maybe you set up beforehand if you will be doing dinner with them.)

Look at it as being financially savvy now to be more physically AND financially independent later.

[ak48]

I think it's a fairly responsible idea, as long as it's not some weird emotional attachment. From the evidence it's clear you'd be fine by yourself, it just makes financial sense.

 

The one sticking point may be a starting relationship with a significant other, which may be awkward with parents in the house.

[wildviolet]

I lived with my parents while I was doing my Master's part-time and working full-time. It was great! I paid them a little money for watching my kids, and I bought groceries and a new car for them in lieu of paying rent.

 

Now, I'm doing my PhD full-time and live halfway across the country from them. I'm sad about that, but I made the decision that was best for my career, not for my short-term comfort.

 

I personally don't think it's regression. If it works for you, then it works for you. Grad school is hard enough. If you have the support of your parents, all the better. Good luck!

[Dal PhDer]

I lived with my mom for the first two years of my PhD. I did it because it made sense financially and worked with my family dynamics (helping my mom take care of my grandfather). 

 

I won't lie, I kind of felt weird telling people about it, thinking they would think that I wasn't independent or self-sufficient...but honestly, everyone I talked to said they would do the same thing if they could! {{On a side note, I actually LOVED living back home...it was kind of nice to have someone be all like, 'oooh, you're working so hard dear, here's a snack!' or 'ooh, you're getting home so late tonight, I'll make sure to have dinner ready!' ...it was literally heaven! It was also nice to spend time with my mother who saw me as a roommate, and a woman- rather than a child. I had a lot of great time with her and enjoyed it!}}

 

But I knew it was temporary- just like it's temporary for you! And it's also a great way to ease into the transition of your program without the worry and stress of finding a place, roommates, etc. You can worry about that later - if you choose to!

 

I also think if you're spending 10-14 hours a day at school/work, then why pay for a place where you're hardly there? 

 

On another note: I think the western culture pressures children to leave from the nest early and go off to find their own lives- it's a sign of success and growth. In a lot of eastern cultures, the family stays together through out the entire lifespan..the same sense of success that leaving has in the western culture, is accomplished by being there for your family and creating a sense of community. So, in other cultures, it's normal for a child to live with their parents well into adulthood, and be there to support their parents in a bunch of ways! This has always bothered me, because I live close to my family and see them everyday- I do this to help them in a number of ways, but people often see it as a co-dependence and me not being self-sufficient...but I'm choosing to do it- I don't need too...ok...done tangent rant!

[ANDS!]

About the only cons: dating and throwing parties.  If you never bring anyone back to your place or prefer to be the invitee it's really a no brainer move.

[kaister]

Thanks all the for the advice and insight.  It's definitely not some emotional attachment.  I love my parents and enjoy spending time with them, but would do perfectly fine if I had to move away.  If cost of living weren't so high here, I would probably think about getting my own place, but it just doesn't make financial sense.  I do plan to pitch in with living expenses like grocery bills, internet bill, and doing errands for them, so it's not like I'm freeloading.  It's a situation where we're all mutually happy about the situation, which is great.  I'm sure spending a lot of my time at school will definitely help for me to not feel too smothered lol.  I'm going to need to find friends who have their own place, so I can hang out there hah.

[Dal PhDer]

About the only cons: dating and throwing parties.  If you never bring anyone back to your place or prefer to be the invitee it's really a no brainer move.

 

This is why I am no longer living at home!

 

 

 

Thanks all the for the advice and insight.  It's definitely not some emotional attachment.  I love my parents and enjoy spending time with them, but would do perfectly fine if I had to move away.  If cost of living weren't so high here, I would probably think about getting my own place, but it just doesn't make financial sense.  I do plan to pitch in with living expenses like grocery bills, internet bill, and doing errands for them, so it's not like I'm freeloading.  It's a situation where we're all mutually happy about the situation, which is great.  I'm sure spending a lot of my time at school will definitely help for me to not feel too smothered lol.  I'm going to need to find friends who have their own place, so I can hang out there hah.

 

I honestly think you'll look back and really value that time. It's different living with your parents when you're an adult! Please, if you decide it's not for you, you at least are in a situation where you can find a roommate and a different situation without having a time pressure. Good luck!!

[Miro]

totally agree with what everybody has said, most westerners view living at home with your parents as a regression and not an opportunity to save money while helping your parents are the same time.  I am currently living with my parents, not because I cannot afford to live on my own, but because its cheaper. They have a spare bedroom with its own bath and its own entry way so why pay somebody $700.000 of more each month. I am however planning on moving out after this academic yr ends in order to get more freedom and would be more secure in myself since i now have emergency money for myself and have help my parents for one yr by paying some of the bills. 

 

Take this time that you will live with your parents to:

1. save money

2. find good roommates whom you might want to move in with when you are ready to move out

3. help your parents pay their bills ( once you have family or bills of your own, this will be difficult)

4. take time to define who you are and whom you would like to date and settle down with someday. ( living at home has forced me to have platonic relationships, which is great since i can now figure out who is really interested in who i am)

5. show your parents that four yrs of college really change you for the better ( you should be more responsible, etc)

6. cultivate a different type of relationship with your parents ( I think of my parents more like wise friends and they think of me more like a a friend who can use good advice)

[prettyuff1]

 i wish i could... my stipend is pennies on the dollar

[quick1]

Not at all. I have a friend from undergrad who went right into a Ph.D. after graduation and lived at home. He did live at school in undergrad though. He recently finished his doctorate and works in his field and still lives home.

Edited February 22, 2013 by quickinstinct

[Chasely]

There's nothing wrong with it, but I would be sure to contribute financially to the household (pay your share of rent/utilities) so you don't seem dependent on them.

Just make sure the they will be okay with any form of social or romantic life you plan to have.

[TyKohn]

I have just been accepted into a fully-funded Phd program in my hometown as well and I plan to live with my parents for the foreseeable future. I will be able to put a lot of my stipend towards student loans from undergrad, and may even have them all paid off by the time I finish up my degree. For me, this is worth the drawbacks. Plus I get to spend more time with my kid brother, which is always nice.

Whether its "lame" or not is up to your tastes. Most people around my age go to the bar now instead of throwing house parties so that shouldn't be a big problem. Dating can become complicated I suppose, but the best thing about living with your parents is that there are no strings attached. You are free to move out if it starts to stifle your personal life.

 

If you are worried about it appearing as regressing, remember, you aren't unemployed, you are working towards a Phd and you have your own money. And with something like 45% of recent college grads moving back in with their parents in the current economy, its more normal than ever.

[Biostat_Assistant_Prof]

If it saves you money, I think it's worth it!

I've been able to do it during undergrad... It's been hard at times not having the same freedom away from home that most of my friends have. I even find it kind of embarrassing when I find time to go out and meet people, having to explain I live with my parents; but people generally understand it from my POV when I explain how much money I've saved. I never moved out after high school, so I'll be moving out for the first time just days after my 22nd birthday at the start of grad school. I'm extremely excited to finally do so and become independent, but at the same time, I'm going to be learning how to do it 4 years later than most of my friends who experienced it at 18...

Despite all of that and despite how anxious I currently am to move out, I still wouldn't trade it for the away from home undergrad college dorm life. I look at the big picture, and what's best for the rest of my life rather than what's most enjoyable for me this year. While most people I know all have $40k+ in student loans, I have absolutely no debt at all. In fact, Ive managed to save a few thousand dollars (which I know isn't much but better than nothing)... I'm entering grad school now at 22, and rather than slowly transitioning to financial independence over the course of the undergrad years like many do, I'm pretty much going from almost completely dependent (in that, my parents pay for my car insurance, cell phone, food, and general living expenses) to completely independent (paying for everything myself) over the course of a couple months. It's scary, but I know I'm ready and able to do it because like I said, I have no debt at all and will be receiving a stipend that will cover all of my expenses.... The fact that I'll be able to finish my PhD at the young age of 25-26, and have absolutely no debt, is seriously the best thing I could ever ask for. I almost feel like I'm cheating the system by doing it.

Basically, my point is, take advantage of the opportunities you're presented with if if saves you a ton of money!

Edited March 10, 2013 by Noco7