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I think my advisor hates me.


lumbarmoose

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I am a first year MA student in the social sciences and I thought that my graduate career was off to a great start. I finished my first semester (in which I had a slightly heavier than average course load) with a 4.0 and in my first semester review I was told I am making "excellent progress" and that one faculty member noted that I show "exceptional promise."

 

However, today my advisor told me that he doesn't think I am showing commitment. It stung, but I honestly saw it coming, as I never really felt like we clicked or understood each other particularly well.

 

I am quite upset and unsure what to do. Changing advisors is allowed in my department, but is it bad form to do so? Also, is spring of my first year in a masters program way too late to make such a big change? Its hard to imagine pressing forward with my current thesis idea now that I know my advisor doesn't think I am committed to it and doesn't see me staying in the discipline. 

 

So I guess it comes down to this: do I jump ship and see if someone else will take me (it's worth noting that I THINK I know who said I show exceptional promise...)? Or do I try to show my advisor that I AM committed?

 

I'm feeling slightly crushed here, and any feedback/reassurance would be greatly appreciated.

Edited by aelizabeth
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Well, what was your response to your advisor's comments? It sounds like this was a discussion rather than an email, so did you get a chance to defend yourself? I guess what you need to establish first of all (which is not clear from your post), is just how committed are you? If you are, then why let him get away with questioning your diligence and work ethic and take the easy way out? Something like this, especially from my advisor, would only serve to push myself harder and would encourage me to persevere. There are times in grad school when you need to make concessions or take an easier path, but then there are times when you must be relentless. I recommend the latter approach here. Prove him wrong. You got this. 

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Tough situation. You might consider having a further discussion with your current adviser as to why they think you are not committed or what they would like you to do differently. I have heard stories of offended advisers making things difficult for people after they switch,however it sounds like you have sufficiently impressed your department to avoid this kind of thing. Are you planning to continue on to a PhD, either in this department or elsewhere? If yes, it might be better to switch to someone with whom you will have a good relationship and get good letters of rec from. I would ask other, older students in your department if people have switched in the past and how it went.

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I don't understand why you think your advisor hates you based on this correspondence. It sounds like you may be over-interpreting a legitimate criticism of your behavior as criticism of you as a person -- but nothing in your description of your conversation made it sound like there was anywhere near the level of emotion that you are attributing to your advisor. With that said, if I am interpreting the situation correctly then your advisor was not happy with something but it is most definitely not beyond repair and has not damaged your relationship much, if at all.

That aside, I think in general it's not too late to change advisors at this stage in your program. If the problem with the current advisor is simply that your personalities don't match, that problem is unlikely to fix itself or go away. You could learn to get along, but not much more than that. If there is someone else in your department who is a better match for you in that sense, I think you'll get more out of your MA experience if you work with them.

Another question is why your advisor thinks that you are uncommitted. Do you think you are committed, or is it indeed the case that you are not particularly excited about the thesis topic you're currently working on? Maybe the problem is with the topic and not the advisor. It's important to clarify the situation with your current advisor. Either find out why he thinks you're uncommitted or, if you know, have a frank conversation about how you could turn things around. If it's the thesis topic, inquire about changing it. You sound excited about your field so I'm assuming it's not about courses or general content, but maybe there is something there that bothers your advisor too. Work it out with him and get his advice about correcting the problem. At the same time, you could try discreetly seeking the advice of the person who said you show exceptional promise, as a potential future advisor or mentor.

The most important point I want to make is not to read too much into this unpleasant interaction. Take it as an opportunity to fix whatever is not working between you and your advisor. Treat it as a professional interaction without any personal content -- which I think is all that it was.

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Well, what was your response to your advisor's comments? It sounds like this was a discussion rather than an email, so did you get a chance to defend yourself? I guess what you need to establish first of all (which is not clear from your post), is just how committed are you? If you are, then why let him get away with questioning your diligence and work ethic and take the easy way out? Something like this, especially from my advisor, would only serve to push myself harder and would encourage me to persevere. There are times in grad school when you need to make concessions or take an easier path, but then there are times when you must be relentless. I recommend the latter approach here. Prove him wrong. You got this. 

 

Thanks for your response! It was indeed a discussion rather than an email which leads to one of my other issues with him- he is always rushing around and rarely takes the time to sit down and talk with me. This particular conversation happened while he literally had me follow him to pick up his lunch with 20 minutes to spare before he had to teach a class, so it wasn't a great moment for an involved talk that allowed me to respond to his comment at length. I think it was very unfair to drop a bomb like that on me while he was eating his lunch and checking his watch to see when he needed to leave for class.

 

I am committed, but I am taking a route that does not lead directly to academia, as I'm in a rather unconventional dual degree program. I get the impression that, for him, not wanting to go into academia means not being committed to the discipline. If I'm right about that then I'm not really sure how I can convince him otherwise. If a 4.0, positive reviews from other professors, serving on a committee, and attending almost every departmental event doesn't demonstrate commitment to him then I have no idea what would.

 

I wish I were of the "prove him wrong" personality type, but I don't think I am. 

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I don't understand why you think your advisor hates you based on this correspondence. It sounds like you may be over-interpreting a legitimate criticism of your behavior as criticism of you as a person -- but nothing in your description of your conversation made it sound like there was anywhere near the level of emotion that you are attributing to your advisor. With that said, if I am interpreting the situation correctly then your advisor was not happy with something but it is most definitely not beyond repair and has not damaged your relationship much, if at all.

That aside, I think in general it's not too late to change advisors at this stage in your program. If the problem with the current advisor is simply that your personalities don't match, that problem is unlikely to fix itself or go away. You could learn to get along, but not much more than that. If there is someone else in your department who is a better match for you in that sense, I think you'll get more out of your MA experience if you work with them.

Another question is why your advisor thinks that you are uncommitted. Do you think you are committed, or is it indeed the case that you are not particularly excited about the thesis topic you're currently working on? Maybe the problem is with the topic and not the advisor. It's important to clarify the situation with your current advisor. Either find out why he thinks you're uncommitted or, if you know, have a frank conversation about how you could turn things around. If it's the thesis topic, inquire about changing it. You sound excited about your field so I'm assuming it's not about courses or general content, but maybe there is something there that bothers your advisor too. Work it out with him and get his advice about correcting the problem. At the same time, you could try discreetly seeking the advice of the person who said you show exceptional promise, as a potential future advisor or mentor.

The most important point I want to make is not to read too much into this unpleasant interaction. Take it as an opportunity to fix whatever is not working between you and your advisor. Treat it as a professional interaction without any personal content -- which I think is all that it was.

 

Thanks for your insight. I'm sure you are absolutely correct that I took this too personally and that is definitely a flaw of mine in general. I think part of my reaction is that, to be honest, I don't think he is particularly committed to me as an advisee. As I mentioned in a previous post, it is hard to get him to take the time to discuss my ideas and plans- the conversation we had today only happened at all because he had me follow him to lunch in a spare 20 minutes he had before class. I feel pretty disrespected that he picked a moment where he was wolfing down his lunch and about to run out the door to tell me that he doesn't think I am committed- it didn't allow me to ask him to elaborate OR defend myself.

 

I also think you hit the nail on the head with the issue of my thesis topic. It's true, I am NOT 100% enthused and I honestly feel like I may have accepted my offer under somewhat misleading pretenses. When I interviewed with him, he told me that I would be able to do a field work with him and have a particular focus. Now, that is not panning out and I am not being given the research opportunities I thought I would be.

 

I think I will take your advice and seek out the advice of another potential advisor. It sucks to admit this myself, by I think my advisor and I are just a bad match in general- both in terms of research interests and in terms of personality.

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Tough situation. You might consider having a further discussion with your current adviser as to why they think you are not committed or what they would like you to do differently. I have heard stories of offended advisers making things difficult for people after they switch,however it sounds like you have sufficiently impressed your department to avoid this kind of thing. Are you planning to continue on to a PhD, either in this department or elsewhere? If yes, it might be better to switch to someone with whom you will have a good relationship and get good letters of rec from. I would ask other, older students in your department if people have switched in the past and how it went.

 

At this moment, I am not planning to continue with a PhD. It's not out of the question in the future, but since I am working on two masters degrees I don't want to rush into a PhD immediately afterwards. Unfortunately, I don't know of anyone in the department who has switched advisors, which makes me worry that it is frowned upon. However, our department handbook does allow for it so I imagine it MUST come up occasionally. I do hope to talk to him about this more, but he is difficult to pin down or communicate with. Thanks for your response!

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I don't interpret what you said as your advisor hating you. That said, if you want to change advisors, you should. It's definitely not too late. Talk to your department's DGS about how to do this and identify some professors that you would want to work with AND that are willing to work with you.

 

FWIW, I considered changing advisors during my MA and that was at the end of my second semester. I decided not to because I realized that for the work I wanted to do, the advisor I had was the best person. That isn't to say that we always got along or that she was always thrilled with my research and progress. But, she was willing to let me get what I wanted out of the degree and didn't force me to do things that didn't make sense for the kind of scholar I wanted to be.

 

Okay, now that I've said all that. You really do need to try to arrange a sitdown conversation with your advisor. I know that a lot of people meet with their advisors weekly or every other week, but I've never had that kind of relationship with either my MA or PhD advisors. Basically, I meet with them when I want ro have time or because they want to. That's what works for me. If that isn't what works for you, that could be part of the reason you want to find a new advisor. If you do go that route, find out about that person's advising style *before* you commit.

 

 

ETA: Whoo, my 2900th post here. Wow!

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I would say treat this like a job.  In a job, you can't switch supervisors.  I would email and ask for a scheduled meeting to continue the discussion.  Go in willing to listen.  Ask for clarification on the critique, and ask what your advisor is looking for.  Discuss your goals for your MA, and ask your advisor if they feel they are the right person to support those goals.  Try to leave the emotion out, and try to have an open mind.  It could be there is a miscommunication somewhere, it could be your advisor thinks you have different goals than you actually do, it could be you and your advisor just aren't a good fit.  I would try for a professional conversation before going to the director or requesting a switch.  If the conversation doesn't go well, then I would request the switch.  I was in a very small program so we only had one advisor.

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What you described reminded me of a rotation I had with a professor. The situation was very similar, and she blamed me for "not being committed" because the experiments I assigned to do did not work out within the first two weeks I was there (I was only given three weeks total to rotate). Luckily it was only a rotation and we really rubbed each other the wrong way. Having to deal with the bad evaluation she wrote later on was not pleasant. 

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I agree with what I take to be the general message of previous comments: the most important thing is that you handle this professionally. I don't think you need to make a decision about switching just yet. You can try following up with him, see how it goes, and continue mulling over the options during your attempt to establish a better working relationship with him. Then reevaluate your options after you see how that goes. Here's my advice, FWIW: start by emailing your advisor to request a meeting. This email is an opportunity to shape his perception of you, so I would use it as such. Don't convey any shock, hurt feelings, etc. Instead, say something along the lines of (1) you appreciated the candor of his remark about your commitment, and (2) you would appreciate the opportunity to discuss this further. With respect to (2) try to be neither defensive nor self-deprecating -- you don't have to give any indication of whether you think his perception is correct or not -- instead frame your interest in learning more as one motivated by an eagerness to grow and learn (in other words, you want to discuss this because you're *always* looking for ways to improve and you take criticism as a valuable learning opportunity). I don't think it matters that much exactly what you say in your email as long as you maintain a professional tone. Remember, academia is a harsh place and thick skin is required to survive in it!

 

If he blows you off (doesn't reply, gives you 5 minutes in between his other commitments, etc.) you will have gathered more data about his willingness to invest some of his time in working with you, and you will have demonstrated an adroit response to criticism. If he doesn't blow you off, then carry the same professional demeanor into your meeting with him. I would try to hear him out, keep your composure even if what he says feels harsh, and avoid any defensiveness. You're not likely to change his mind by pointing out that he's wrong (even if he is), so your best bet is to try to impress him with how you receive the criticism - maturely (you nod and say "I see what you're saying" or "I understand how it could seem that way" etc etc) not dramatically (displaying anger, hurt feelings, crushing disappointment, etc). 

 

In terms of your feeling misled...since he sounds like the I'm-such-a-big-shot-I-can't-be-bothered type, I doubt you'll get far by voicing that complaint. I'd say either find a way to get the most out of whatever projects you actually can work on with him, or switch advisors. If there's no way you can work up some more enthusiasm for anything other than a project he's not going to give you, then I don't see how you're going to get along with him. It does sound like he might be a Mr. Important type, but even if he's a pompous jerk there's still something to be said for looking at things from his perspective. He most likely IS very busy and really does have overwhelming demands on his time. He doesn't want to deal with students who aren't self-motivated, taking initiative, showing enthusiasm, putting in a lot of time and effort, and so on. If he senses that you aren't into the work you're doing with him, he probably finds that irritating or at least a reason to be dismissive. Even nice, generous-with-time profs often have that sort of reaction.

 

OK that's way more rambling than I intended. Whatever you decide to do, hope it works out for you and best of luck!

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Oops, one more thing I forgot to mention...

 

In terms of hearing him out about the commitment thing: I think it would be totally appropriate and OK for you to be straightforward and direct with him about the fact that your enthusiasm hasn't been at 100%. I wouldn't say, "I don't seem committed because I'm not very enthusiastic about the project since it's not at all like what you said I could work on with you." But I might say something like, "Your comment gave me pause, and I realized after assessing my level of enthusiasm that I actually haven't felt very invested in this particular project" followed by either "I've been thinking about your paper on Topic X in Journal Y, and I am very interested in the question of how Z relates to X; do you think it would be possible for me to focus on a project around that?" or (only if it's a least kinda true!) "I've been thinking about the project more since I had that realization, and now I'm looking at it as an opportunity to learn more about Method P, which will help me in the future because I can apply it to Topic Q." 

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Given that you said you only had about 20 minutes while your advisor is distracted, I agree that you need to email him to set up a meeting - a real one, one that lasts at least 30 minutes and is you two sitting down and talking.  If he refuses to give you 30 minutes of undistracted time, then perhaps you do need another advisor.

 

If he will give the time, though, I think you need to very straightforwardly ask him why he thinks you are not committed.  What, to him, is exhibiting commitment?  Is he a reasonable person, or is he one of those "if you're not working 100 hours a week then you are not committed"?  Think about his feedback critically, separating your own hurt emotions from it.  It's entirely possible that he simply dislikes you and that he's saying this because he dislikes you, but it's just as possible (without knowing more about the situation) that he is truly trying to help you and that you *aren't* showing commitment.  Before you run immediately to changing, try to engage in a dialogue with your advisor.  Why doesn't he think you are showing commitment?  What can you do to show more commitment?  What kinds of things does he expect you to do?

 

Then if he gives you those answers, you can assess your next steps.  If they seem like reasonable criticisms and you are willing to change, you can make the necessary changes.  Or you may decide that you really do want to switch, but at least you will have full information and a reason why when you go to your DGS.

 

FWIW, I had a friend in our MPH program who changed her advisor in March of her second year.  She had significant difficulties with her previous advisor, and needed to make the switch.  It did take her the summer to graduate - so she got her MPH in October instead of May.  I don't think the spring of your first year is too late to change, but I think you need to have a concrete, clear reason for switching advisors aside from just a general unease with this person.

 

Thanks for your insight. I'm sure you are absolutely correct that I took this too personally and that is definitely a flaw of mine in general. I think part of my reaction is that, to be honest, I don't think he is particularly committed to me as an advisee. As I mentioned in a previous post, it is hard to get him to take the time to discuss my ideas and plans- the conversation we had today only happened at all because he had me follow him to lunch in a spare 20 minutes he had before class. I feel pretty disrespected that he picked a moment where he was wolfing down his lunch and about to run out the door to tell me that he doesn't think I am committed- it didn't allow me to ask him to elaborate OR defend myself.

 

I also think you hit the nail on the head with the issue of my thesis topic. It's true, I am NOT 100% enthused and I honestly feel like I may have accepted my offer under somewhat misleading pretenses. When I interviewed with him, he told me that I would be able to do a field work with him and have a particular focus. Now, that is not panning out and I am not being given the research opportunities I thought I would be.

 

I think I will take your advice and seek out the advice of another potential advisor. It sucks to admit this myself, by I think my advisor and I are just a bad match in general- both in terms of research interests and in terms of personality.

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Thanks a ton for all your responses- they've all been very helpful. I will be seeing him tomorrow, and it will be interesting to see if we can sit down and have a real conversation or if he will be distracted/scattered again. I did also email two other professors in the department and express interest in meeting with them to discuss what I phrased as "general career/advising questions."

 

Tomorrow I will also be getting coffee with one of my advisors older students. Interestingly enough, the same day that words were exchanged with my advisor she contacted me and said that she felt like she hadn't been as helpful as she should have been during my first semesters in the program and that she "wanted to make it up to me." Of course, this makes me suspicious that he may have said something to her, which (if I am correct) makes me further doubt the condition of our professional relationship.

 

Anyway, we shall see...

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Tomorrow I will also be getting coffee with one of my advisors older students. Interestingly enough, the same day that words were exchanged with my advisor she contacted me and said that she felt like she hadn't been as helpful as she should have been during my first semesters in the program and that she "wanted to make it up to me." Of course, this makes me suspicious that he may have said something to her, which (if I am correct) makes me further doubt the condition of our professional relationship.

If your advisor spoke with the older student about you then that's not necessarily a bad thing. The way I interpret this: your advisor thinks you could benefit from more guidance and asked the older student to help mentor you through the project a bit more. That is a good thing. It suggests he has not "given up" on you and is looking for ways to help you improve your performance in his group. 

 

Whilst working in industry I had a European supervisor who was blunt on several occasions about the weaknesses he perceived in me. My first instinct was to be stung by the comments, but I realised that he did not mean to be negative and wasn't criticising me personally - he wanted to help me. We ended up having a great working relationship with really high levels of mutual respect, simply because we were both honest about ourselves and didn't take professional feedback personally. 

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One of the things that I haven't seen mentioned is that I would see a disconnect between what you are focusing on (grades, departmental events, serving on a committee) and what your professor likely is (your research).

 

I've seen a lot of our first years come in and focus way too much on coursework, and other things, and do well- but not get great feedback from faculty. And it's because they're not focusing nearly enough on the research relative to the other things.

 

At least in my field, a 4.0 is nice, but a 3.6 and productive research is much better.

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Tomorrow I will also be getting coffee with one of my advisors older students. Interestingly enough, the same day that words were exchanged with my advisor she contacted me and said that she felt like she hadn't been as helpful as she should have been during my first semesters in the program and that she "wanted to make it up to me." Of course, this makes me suspicious that he may have said something to her, which (if I am correct) makes me further doubt the condition of our professional relationship.

 

I don't think this is a bad thing, either. In my experience, research groups work on a mentorship level, and it's not necessarily limited to mentoring between prof and grad student. If a prof is worried that their younger/junior students are falling behind, it totally makes sense for a busy prof to ask the more experienced senior students to lend a hand, or maybe talk to you and figure out what's going on. If you feel disconnected from your prof, chances are, the prof feels disconnected from you too. Maybe the prof feels that their entire research group (which might only include this other student) isn't as well connected to each other as he/she would like, so they are encouraging this by getting their group members to talk to each other more.

 

In my opinion, the "professional relationship" protects things like the reason for a personal leave of absence, or your exact grades in a course etc. I don't think it's unprofessional for a prof to discuss with their senior students (or other profs) how they feel you are performing at research or classes in general (i.e. a comment like "Student X is really committed to classes but I really wish he/she would prioritize research more" or "Student X could use some guidance on performing literature reviews" etc.), as long as there is good reason (e.g. mentorship/asking for someone to help out) instead of just gossip. 

 

As for changing advisors, I don't think it's too late. I know people who have completely changed projects after an entire year of their Masters. They finished about 1 semester later, but that's not necessarily the end of the world (this was in Canada where the new advisors agreed to continue funding the student even past the standard 2 years of guaranteed funding -- so if you currently have funding now, perhaps you should also ask a potential new advisor what would happen after 2 years are up!)

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I missed this prior to replying, but I think an older student taking you out to coffee is a great thing. You didn't mention if they were another masters student or a PhD student- if the latter, I would think it's quite common to have PhD students help oversee masters students, especially senior ones.

 

It goes without saying in our research group that the older grad students will help mentor the newer ones.

 

And it's definitely not, imo, a breach of a professional relationship for a PI to discuss, as TakeruK said, generalities about his younger advisees with the senior ones. From my experience, it's actually quite common.

 

It's both a way of preparing the older grad students to be mentors, especially if they're going on into academia, as well as getting their help or input.

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  • 1 year later...

I think it is sad that so many grad students have to put up with bad advisors who have no idea how to interact with actual human beings. I have seen students on medication because they can't seem to get along with their advisor. This goes beyond needing to produce a professional dissertation. If it was just a matter of having more references or expanding a section of the writing it might be OK. Too often I see professors who are petty and vain, give conflicting advice and even steal their advisees work. I feel strongly that there need to be some sort of monitoring of advisors to ensure the quality of what they do. These professors are in charge of our country, and often the worlds future educators, researchers and leaders. Do we really want to leave that all up to chance? We know they have knowledge related to their field, but that does not mean they automatically know how to be a good advisor. Counselors receive extensive training on how to advise their clients on important issues and are also subject to ongoing clinical supervision of their work to ensure continued quality. However, academic advisors have no training, and no regular supervision. Why is this OK?   

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I think it is sad that so many grad students have to put up with bad advisors who have no idea how to interact with actual human beings. I have seen students on medication because they can't seem to get along with their advisor. This goes beyond needing to produce a professional dissertation. If it was just a matter of having more references or expanding a section of the writing it might be OK. Too often I see professors who are petty and vain, give conflicting advice and even steal their advisees work. I feel strongly that there need to be some sort of monitoring of advisors to ensure the quality of what they do. These professors are in charge of our country, and often the worlds future educators, researchers and leaders. Do we really want to leave that all up to chance? We know they have knowledge related to their field, but that does not mean they automatically know how to be a good advisor. Counselors receive extensive training on how to advise their clients on important issues and are also subject to ongoing clinical supervision of their work to ensure continued quality. However, academic advisors have no training, and no regular supervision. Why is this OK?   

 

I'm not really sure what this has to do with an 18 month old thread, that really doesn't address the discussion at hand. 

 

That said, PIs (not to be conflated with academic advisors, which are a different thing altogether) are not counselors. They're not "advisors". They're CEO's of a small company, of which the students are employees, with according seniority. 

 

Most departments also have people with some training as advisors- either academic advisors, which may or may not be faculty, or the departments graduate coordinator/graduate advisor.

 

That said, while it sucks, having a range of people who you can and can't work with isn't any different in any other segment of the workforce. Some managers/bosses/PIs/supervisors are antisocial/sociopathic, but you still have to learn how to either learn to deal with them, or learn how to avoid them. At least, unlike most of the workforce, as a graduate student you get to *choose* your advisor. And you can *choose* to drop them and find another one. Sadly, many graduate students make bad choices about who to work for, and continue to work for them far longer than is productive. 

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Well, advisors/professors are human.  And like most other humans, many of them are excellent at some aspects of their job and not others.  Some professors are amazing teachers and terrible grant-writers; some professors are great mentors but terrible teachers; some professors are amazing researchers but terrible mentors.

 

I also think the impact of this is overblown.  There's no evidence to believe that most or a significant chunk of graduate students have terrible advisors who don't know how to interact with human beings.  Some advisors may be awkward at mentoring, but that doesn't mean they can't interact with people.

 

I think this is also an ideal time to say that your PI will NOT necessarily be your "mentor."  An advisor for research purposes is actually quite different and not necessarily completely overlapping with a mentor.  Some PIs are not interested in mentoring their graduate students, although they may be quite competent in guiding you in research and dissertation writing.  Many grad students will have to seek formal and informal mentors in people other than their PI.

 

Professors do not have regular training and supervision in advising because that is not the core of what they do, or even a significant portion of their jobs in relation to everything else.  They're definitely not clinicians or counselors.  I think that while sometimes some advisors are awkward and maybe even downright mean, many graduate students also misinterpret the role of an advisor this way.  He's an advisor because he gives you advice on your graduate program - but that is NOT the same thing as a counselor, who is there to support you emotionally.  If your advisor cares about your emotional needs, that's kind of a bonus.

 

And frankly, at many institutions the department doesn't really care about the quality of their mentorship.  They care about the grant money and funding they get, and the research they put out.  If a notoriously terrible advisor is also productive and their graduate students are graduating steadily, that's seen as a win for the department.  I mean, they don't want advisors who are actively scaring people into quitting and putting all of their students on anti-anxiety medication - but one who meets with students once a semester and never responds to emails?  Eh, if he's producing.

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