Ex-advisor's inappropriate behavior

[nehs]

I graduated from my master's program last month still awaiting degree award). My advisor did a decent job supporting me during my thesis, ups and downs were obviously there. Now, that I have graduated he suggests publishing my thesis (not a bad idea). However, I have met him twice so far and his behavior is totally inappropriate, so are his emails.

 

He calls me over to his office and talks about everything else. He even had me organize his cabinet once. then, the second time we met at starbucks and he says "he likes me and enjoys spending time". I was pissed and needless to say never contacted him again. Although secretly , I wish i can publish my thesis.

 

Then, he sends an email saying " you can come to my office sometime next week. We can organize some old folders and then go on a long drive". Ofcourse we hardly talk about publications but the reason partly is I am not prepared. He wants a summary of my thesis which I have not done yet.

 

Seriously, what is he thinking here? I would want  to hook up with a 60 year old man, despite being happily married. I am wondering if I should just be to the point and tell him that he is crossing lines but I risk future recommendations and possibly a publication for my thesis.

I am feeling degraded by his behavior and now wonder if I gave him this oppurtunity to think about me this way?

I'm venting here as well as looking for some suggestions.

[Sigaba]

 

I am feeling degraded by his behavior and now wonder if I gave him this oppurtunity to think about me this way?

 

nehs--

 

Bluntly, get off this path of thinking right away. It is not fair to you.   Hypothetically speaking, even if you'd thrown yourself at him, he is responsible and accountable and responsible for his own poor judgement and inappropriate behavior.

 

What you should start doing right away is documenting everything that transpires between the two of you as soon as you possibly can. In your notes, make a point of articulating honestly how you feel and how his behavior is impacting your ability to do your work and the quality of your life. At the same time, start collecting physical copies of all email messages between the two of you while also backing up digital copies off of your school servers. (Ideally, at least one copy on portable storage, another on a cloud account.)

 

Then, figure out if (and how) you want to notify either your department and/your school about this behavior. If your department is an environment where the rules of the old boys' network are still in play, you might want to talk to someone in your school's HR department.  To guide you through this process, you might benefit from finding resources, such as BBs centered around work place issues, on how to handle these kinds of situations and what to expect. (If you have the resources, talking to a HR professional or a lawyer who specializes in this type of situation might be very helpful.) 

 

If you make the choice to finish your thesis as soon as possible, and get away from him (or if you want to fire him and get another advisor), those choices have consequences you will want to think through very carefully.

 

As you work through your options, you may encounter people who want to help. To the extent possible, hold them accountable to the fact that this is your situation, not theirs. That is, the "right" thing to do is what you decide you want to do and nothing else. I urge you to do all you can now so that when you look back on this situation ten or twenty years from now, you will understand that you picked the best course of action based upon the information you had at the time.

 

Above all else, please keep in mind that this situation is his making. It was his responsibility to monitor his own feelings and expectations and to subordinate them to his responsibilities to you as an advisor.

[nehs]

Sigaba I have graduated and don't really have anything at stake except my recommendations and my professional relationship.

I'm so mad at myself and this whole situation.

[Sigaba]

Sigaba I have graduated and don't really have anything at stake except my recommendations and my professional relationship.

I'm so mad at myself and this whole situation.

 

nehs--

 

Understood.

 

But please understand that there are ways a POI can screw with a student even after he/she has graduated that go beyond the recommendations and the relationships.  That is, he can sand bag you in any number of ways that make your life uncomfortable. (For example, using his posistion as advisor to make you keep working on your thesis for years. Moreover, he can undermine your personal and professional reputation in his networks in very underhanded ways. "Her? She was nothing exceptional...she had time management issues and was often distracted from her work."  Were he to make such a comment, his peers might just take it at face value and you would never know. He could still write you good recommendations but would you be getting the kinds of opportunities for advancement?

 

I am not saying that you should report him or not. I am attempting to convince you to expand your assessment of what's at stake before making your decision.

[danieleWrites]

Do not be angry with yourself. You've done nothing wrong. I have no idea what's going on in his head, but he's the one that decided to attempt to initiate a more personal relationship, not you. From your description he sounds inappropriate rather than predatory. He waited until you were no longer his student to start laying down his moves, creepy as they have been. You have the option to report him for being creepy and inappropriate, but as he's been hitting on a former student, not a current student, it's probably a crapshoot. This doesn't mean that what he's doing is okay, because it's not, but it's not necessarily either illegal or against university rules. It's creepy. Well, it might be more. Is his current and future help contingent on your companionship in some way (not necessarily sex, long drives where you talk about non-academic things count)? If you think yes, report him. If you think no, don't report him. You can start the reporting process at the university's counseling center, with the department either the head or a different professor that you trust will work in your interests. You can also go to HR, student affairs, or any number of places. The place to go to is the one that will listen to you, that you trust, and will think of you first, not the university's immediate reputation as predator-central.

 

If you think no and you think you'll need his help, you can salvage the situation by establishing boundaries, which you don't seem to have done yet. Write the summary/abstract to your thesis first. Then contact him via email. Explain that you are not available for a long drive, but you are interested in discussing the summary of the thesis for publication purposes. Arrange to meet him in his office when other professors will be in their offices, and then hold the meeting with the door open. If he asks for your help in rearranging his cabinets or books or whatever, pick up your things, apologize for interfering with his time and offer to reschedule the meeting when he isn't so busy, and then give him two or three times to choose from, times that you know in advance will have other people in the department around. If he asks you out for coffee, politely decline without a reason. No, thank you. If he pushes, explain that computer science is a difficult enough field for women, and that you want to maintain professional relationships with respected members of the field, or something of the nature. You're rejecting him, you both know it, but it allows you both to pretend that he's not a dirty old man and that you still respect him. Every time he offers or behaves inappropriately, rebuff him in a way that allows you both to behave as normally as possible. If he does not respect the boundaries that you're drawing, eliminate all personal contact and find another professor in the department to help you prepare the thesis for publication. If he does not respect the boundaries that you are drawing, then find someone you trust to discuss the situation with, someone that can help you enforce the boundaries and, if needed, use university channels to make him stop.

 

If you do maintain contact with him, do so only in a professional setting, email and in person during business hours only. No more coffee shops, no more helping him with his busy-work, no more conversations that don't include the profession. This will reinforce the boundaries that you have set up. Do not take this to mean that you shouldn't have done these things before, because none of these things say "come get me, big boy". Not a one. They don't mean anything because he crossed a boundary that you didn't know you needed to put up. In your mind, he was still the professor and that boundary still existed. In his mind, you were no longer his student, and the boundary no longer existed. Once the boundary has been re-established with a professional relationship only line, keep it that way by not allowing him to cross it and by not crossing it yourself.

[ANDS!]

I'd be more insulted this his idea of foreplay and romance is to file some funking folders.  The shit. . .?

[jeffster]

A few things to think about:

 

Is there another faculty member (department, HR, or other) you trust well enough to bring into the loop?  Even if you choose not to make a confrontation with him, this other person might be able to offer you far better advice than we can, given our limited knowledge of the situation.  Your school might even have something formalized for this.

 

Especially if you do decide to try to navigate this minefield in order to pursue the thesis publishing: make sure any future meetings with him are done in a public place and not in his office, where he's both alone with you and appears to feel comfortable breaking the professional relationship with you. 

 

Lest you not feel reassured by everyone else telling you it's not your fault; it's not your fault.  EVEN IF you were afraid you somehow led him on, and EVEN IF he waited until after you graduated to start harrassing you, he STILL saved this thesis publishing hook as a way to keep influence over you.  Everything he's doing is wrong and unethical.

 

Is there someone else you could talk to about getting your thesis published?  If that's the primary concern holding you back from reporting all of this officially, maybe you can allievate some of that concern by pursuing another avenue.  It might also open the door to my first suggestion of finding someone else to talk to about all of this.

 

If you do decide to confront him informally about it, with the hopes that he stops his behavior and you can resume working with him, make sure you have lots of documentation to cover yourself first.  There's no telling how he would react, and you would in effect be doing him a huge favor by not reporting his behavior.  Also ask yourself if you would really feel comfortable working with him, even after he stops harrassing you.

 

I don't know enough about your situation to actually advocate for any of these, I'm just throwing them out there in case they're helpful.  Good luck, I'm sorry you got stuck going through this.

[i.am.me]

Maybe he's lonely? I am wondering if his interest is really quite benign--but still self-serving since he doesn't address anything you want to talk about.

 

Well, only you would know if he's interested in you in a romantic way---women can sniff this. If that is, then I'd disappear by being reallllllyyyyyy busy. That sounds like a passive way to address this situation, but I am not sure if its worth it to be more direct.

[1Q84]

I'd be more insulted this his idea of foreplay and romance is to file some funking folders.  The shit. . .?

 

Seemed to work for Maggie Gyllenhaal...

[nehs]

Thanks so much guys. I feel that I have company now on my situation. Lol

He is definitely lonely. I wonder why he won't spend time with family. He has two sons and his wife of course.

Unfortunately I committed to one visit which is later this week and now I'm thinking to skip it.

As pointed out by someone, he seems to derive his pleasure by making me help with his organization/office. Weird but selfish of him. Did he think that I am the kind that would also be exited about this ? I don't know what he is thinking.

Anyway looks like he is going to get a publication through me which is why he sugarcoats his words I'm assuming.

Ofcourse I feeel a lot more sane now after reading your responses here

[IRToni]

Maybe I'm being obtuse, but have you tried telling him that you feel uncomfortable? If you've had a good relationship with him so far, why not give him the benefit of a doubt? He might think that you not saying something is a sign that you're ok with where he hopes this is heading... (I'm not saying his behavior is right or condoning it, all I'm saying is, he might not be aware of how comfortable this is making you feel. I personally would hesitate about going to an outsider before having talked to him myself).

 

I second the suggestion about making sure to only meet in public places, and I also think that he is not the only person that could help you publish your thesis. I personally would want a second opinion, just because I wouldn't be sure if he actually thinks my thesis is worth publishing, or if he just uses it as an excuse.

 

This is not at all to lay blame on you, you are not responsible for his behavior. However, the way you deal with it is something that you are responsible for and that you can impact.

[TakeruK]

Maybe I'm being obtuse, but have you tried telling him that you feel uncomfortable? If you've had a good relationship with him so far, why not give him the benefit of a doubt? He might think that you not saying something is a sign that you're ok with where he hopes this is heading... (I'm not saying his behavior is right or condoning it, all I'm saying is, he might not be aware of how comfortable this is making you feel. I personally would hesitate about going to an outsider before having talked to him myself).

 

I second the suggestion about making sure to only meet in public places, and I also think that he is not the only person that could help you publish your thesis. I personally would want a second opinion, just because I wouldn't be sure if he actually thinks my thesis is worth publishing, or if he just uses it as an excuse.

 

This is not at all to lay blame on you, you are not responsible for his behavior. However, the way you deal with it is something that you are responsible for and that you can impact.

 

I'm usually a big advocate for two people talking out the problem between themselves before involving any others. But this is only practical and possible if the two parties feel comfortable discussing this with one another. For example, if, for example, the person in the office next door (or the desk over) plays their music too loudly, talks on the phone all the time, etc. then it makes sense to talk to that person first instead of going to a third party.

 

However, if it is a situation where one party is uncomfortable talking to the other (and this is what the OP seems to suggest), then it's perfectly reasonable to bring in a third party. In fact, it should be possible for this situation to be resolved without the OP ever talking to the prof alone again. Most department policies that I have experience with generally have an escalating scale of problem solving, starting with the two parties talking it out between themselves, then involving people at the department, faculty, and then university level. There should be neutral/impartial third parties at every level and both sides can find representation by someone else (e.g. union, student council, department members, etc.). So, if the OP definitely does not ever want to be in a conversation with just the two of them ever again (even in a public place), it does not have to happen. 

 

I agree with your post but I got the sense that you seem to imply that the OP would be shirking their responsibility as a professional if they did not try to resolve the issue before escalating it. I might have misinterpreted your message, but I wanted to point out that it is perfectly acceptable and professional to skip the "informal discussion" phase and move directly to more formal procedures if the situation causes one or more parties to feel uncomfortable directly speaking with one another.