Roommate Issues anyone?

[CagedBird]

I have nowhere else to turn to, and I've gotten great advice with grad cafe before, so I'm hoping to get some great advice again. Here goes nothing...

 

So, I've known my college roommate for three years. We've always gotten along great. However, she got a boyfriend 6 months ago and our living situation has turned into an unbearable one. We share an apartment on campus, so I'm thankful for my own bedroom and bathroom. My roommate's boyfriend though has been over every single night of the semester. He never leaves, except to go to class. He stays the night once a week, which is ok, but coming over every single day and staying till 12am regardless? I can't stand it. Besides, there are cleaning issues: I take care of our living room and kitchen and she never cleans it. There are others, but they're another story. 

I've been keeping my mouth shut for months and I finally talked to her about the situation. I told her he was over way too much, and that I missed just coming home and hanging out with her like we used to. I said that I missed her. She responded, saying sorry and that she knew right away when they started dating that it bothered me a lot that he was over all the time, but he's her "soulmate" and that she honestly would rather spend time with him over anyone else. She ended it then with "I hope there's no hard feelings." I said back that I understand what it's like to be in a relationship (I have a 2+ year relationship with my own boyfriend), but you can't forget your friends when you're in a relationship. However, she said she couldn't spend time with me knowing that her own boyfriend's presence bothered me (like wtf?) I repeatedly told her that I liked her boyfriend (it's true!), but that I just missed spending time with just her. She then stated that it's hard to spend time with me anyway since my boyfriend is over all the time anyhow (umm no, he works during the week, so there are definitely some nights he is not around). I got fed up and stopped talking to her after that. I went to hang out with some friends (used to be her friends as well) to blow off some steam. When I came home later that night, she had bolted our front door on me. When you bolt the front door in our apartment even our keys won't open it. I pounded on the door repeatedly until she opened it and when I did, I found her and her boyfriend (as usual) just watching TV in her bedroom. I brushed past her, slammed my bedroom door and remained there for the rest of the night. 

Now I don't know what to do anymore. I'm angry, frustrated, tired, everything. I can't move out for a few months because of the lease and he can't sublease off me. She can't stay with him because he lives with his parents. I feel like she just came up with every excuse to try to turn the tables on me, to make it look like it's my own fault we don't hang out. 

[DropTheBase]

If she's not willing to consider having both you and her boyfriend in her life, then maybe your friendship with her wasn't what you thought it was. No one should have to give up spending time with their good friends for a boyfriend (unless under extreme circumstances, of course). After you confronted your roommate about her boyfriend, I think it was pretty clear that things won't be the way they used to be any time soon. It's incredibly frustrating!

 

But you know what's more frustrating? Having to come home after a long day and put up a face for a guest. I think this is a great opportunity for personal development. Learning to deal with people is a very useful skill, so you can start treating her like an actual roommate! If her boyfriend is over way too much, you have every right to kick him out whenever. And don't feel bad about it. If they're soulmates, they'll get over having to wait a little longer to see each other.

 

There weren't any tables turned on you. It's all in your head. She's at fault and always has been. 

 

Oh and tell her to clean the living room and kitchen once in a while. 

[CagedBird]

If she's not willing to consider having both you and her boyfriend in her life, then maybe your friendship with her wasn't what you thought it was. No one should have to give up spending time with their good friends for a boyfriend (unless under extreme circumstances, of course). After you confronted your roommate about her boyfriend, I think it was pretty clear that things won't be the way they used to be any time soon. It's incredibly frustrating!

 

But you know what's more frustrating? Having to come home after a long day and put up a face for a guest. I think this is a great opportunity for personal development. Learning to deal with people is a very useful skill, so you can start treating her like an actual roommate! If her boyfriend is over way too much, you have every right to kick him out whenever. And don't feel bad about it. If they're soulmates, they'll get over having to wait a little longer to see each other.

 

There weren't any tables turned on you. It's all in your head. She's at fault and always has been. 

 

Oh and tell her to clean the living room and kitchen once in a while. 

 

Thank you. I do think you're right that it's a great time for personal development, This is my first time away from home and I want to be able to live independently and learn to live for myself....It's just incredibly frustrating because I've known her so a few years and I can't believe someone could just drop a friendship like it meant nothing to them

[fancyfeast]

I know this story. Something very similar happened to me and I've seen it happen to other friends. People are stupid and they will disappoint you. A little over year ago I would have never thought my best friend could just drop our friendship like it was nothing (we had been friends for about ten years) and yet she could and she did.

 

I hope you're not too hurt by what she said/did. Angry, yes, you should be. But don't let her foolishness hurt you. If they breakup she's going to go back to what were her closest friends (i.e. you) and then you'll get your chance to decide if she's worth having in your life (no). 

[LittleDarlings]

She sounds kind of dumb and rude (6 months with someone makes them your soulmate... Right) but I would kick him out if you don't want him around. Tell him it's time to get out. "You don't have to go home, but you've gotta get the hell outta here" maybe don't say that lol but it's your right to kick him out if he is overstaying his welcome. You home should be your safe Haven so I say do what you have to do and good luck. As for got friend... Too bad she sill get over it.

[CagedBird]

I know this story. Something very similar happened to me and I've seen it happen to other friends. People are stupid and they will disappoint you. A little over year ago I would have never thought my best friend could just drop our friendship like it was nothing (we had been friends for about ten years) and yet she could and she did.

 

I hope you're not too hurt by what she said/did. Angry, yes, you should be. But don't let her foolishness hurt you. If they breakup she's going to go back to what were her closest friends (i.e. you) and then you'll get your chance to decide if she's worth having in your life (no). 

 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt, but I'm trying my best not to take it too personally. One of her best friends from last year that I'm friends with as well just messaged me asking if I knew what was up with her and her sudden hiatus from everyone's lives.

 

I think I've decided that she is no longer a friend and just a roommate now. When you spend 24/7 with someone (which she literally does, I kid you not), and you don't make time for other people....it's sad, and quite frankly, I think it shows her insecurities as a person who just doesn't want their significant other out of their sight. I know I could be generalizing though, so I apologize (I like to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend, but I make the effort to spend time with friends, and he also encourages me to spend time with them).

[CagedBird]

She sounds kind of dumb and rude (6 months with someone makes them your soulmate... Right) but I would kick him out if you don't want him around. Tell him it's time to get out. "You don't have to go home, but you've gotta get the hell outta here" maybe don't say that lol but it's your right to kick him out if he is overstaying his welcome. You home should be your safe Haven so I say do what you have to do and good luck. As for got friend... Too bad she sill get over it.

 

Lol my sentiments exactly. After only about 3 months, when we actually still at least talked to each other, she told me that they were going to get married. Umm ok, whatever you say. Her reasoning, at least some of it, was that she was ready to live without her parents, that they were getting annoying. Yeah, that's a great reason to get married....not

 

I think I might just ride this whole thing out for the new few months. I stay out of the apartment as much as possible for classes and going to workout. Some nights I stay with my friends at their apartment. And the nights I do spend here now I try to bring my boyfriend if he's not working so I have at least someone to hang out with so I don't have to deal with them.

[LittleDarlings]

Lol my sentiments exactly. After only about 3 months, when we actually still at least talked to each other, she told me that they were going to get married. Umm ok, whatever you say. Her reasoning, at least some of it, was that she was ready to live without her parents, that they were getting annoying. Yeah, that's a great reason to get married....not

 

I think I might just ride this whole thing out for the new few months. I stay out of the apartment as much as possible for classes and going to workout. Some nights I stay with my friends at their apartment. And the nights I do spend here now I try to bring my boyfriend if he's not working so I have at least someone to hang out with so I don't have to deal with them.

You should give her a taste of her own medicine a little. Bolt the door on her one time, I mean if she's a student she has to eventually be out the house right? Or bring your bf over and hog up the mutual living space a little. I mean she deserves to know how it feels.

[DropTheBase]

You should give her a taste of her own medicine a little. Bolt the door on her one time, I mean if she's a student she has to eventually be out the house right? Or bring your bf over and hog up the mutual living space a little. I mean she deserves to know how it feels.

 

This is extremely childish.

[MoJingly]

This is extremely childish.

 

I was going to say the same thing. 

 

OP, I had the same situation with a roommate.  I eventually became seriously crotchety and now, three years later, they are getting married and she laughed and said, "ha! you predicted it!"  Shoot me.  I just missed my friend.  

 

I don't have any good advice.  But I would seriously tell her that she can't have him over that often. That's ridiculous.  

 

Rooting for you.

[LittleDarlings]

This is extremely childish.

And so is her friend... So oh well.

She should know what it feels like, oh well.

I personally would never make myself uncomfortable in MY house for someone else. Childish or not I couldn't care less.

Edited February 6, 2014 by CorruptedInnocence

[CagedBird]

Hey guys. I really appreciate all your responses. I found out today that apparently this boyfriend had been abusive in his previous relationship and his ex-girlfriend left him because of the abuse, which I heard was just psychological. According to what I heard, he's controlling and manipulative. I guess it makes the picture a little clearer for why she's acting this way now

[LittleDarlings]

Hey guys. I really appreciate all your responses. I found out today that apparently this boyfriend had been abusive in his previous relationship and his ex-girlfriend left him because of the abuse, which I heard was just psychological. According to what I heard, he's controlling and manipulative. I guess it makes the picture a little clearer for why she's acting this way now

Aww poor girl.

That still doesn't mean you should have to compromise your living space.

[starofdawn]

Hey guys. I really appreciate all your responses. I found out today that apparently this boyfriend had been abusive in his previous relationship and his ex-girlfriend left him because of the abuse, which I heard was just psychological. According to what I heard, he's controlling and manipulative. I guess it makes the picture a little clearer for why she's acting this way now

 

Even if the abuse in past has been "just psychological", doesn't mean it won't get physical in the future. Keep on your toes around this guy. There probably isn't anything legal you can do right now (it's all hearsay at this point), but keep a close eye on him and don't be afraid to kick him out.

[obaka]

If it's an on campus apartment, they may have strict rules about guests. I know mine said something ridiculous like guests could only stay 3 nights a semester and had to leave if the other roommate wasn't comfortable or need quiet for studying. Usually they aren't enforced if the roommates are cool with each other, but if you make it an issue you can probably get him out. Check your lease.

[CagedBird]

If it's an on campus apartment, they may have strict rules about guests. I know mine said something ridiculous like guests could only stay 3 nights a semester and had to leave if the other roommate wasn't comfortable or need quiet for studying. Usually they aren't enforced if the roommates are cool with each other, but if you make it an issue you can probably get him out. Check your lease.

 

She'll probably throw it back in my face that my boyfriend still comes over, so why shouldn't hers? Mine never stays the night though, and he isn't over anywhere near as much as hers. 

 

I wouldn't have such a problem with the situation if they didn't ignore me completely while they're here. They'll say hi to me, but then talk amongst themselves when they're in the living room, and then they just go to her room and shut the door for the rest of the night. If I enter the living room or kitchen when they're in there, they just stop talking and only resume once I've left the room. It's almost like I'm the unwanted third roommate here, even though it's my name on the lease!

[danieleWrites]

Honeymoon phases. Yeesh. It will eventually wear off.

At any rate, you have a situation to deal with that's causing you a lot of stress. The friendship that you'd had has shifted a bit and you can't change her. Starting and maintaining a cold war isn't going to make your life more bearable. However, it is your home, not his, and you have certain rights.

Rather than think about this in terms of a lost friendship, try the approach where you accept that your roomie is going to make her own life choices and you don't have any say in who chooses to spend her time with. It hurts when friendships change so suddenly, but getting angry because she won't change really only hurts you in the long run. And it will likely only makes her cling more superciliously to her "soulmate" (how Twilight can you get?). I know that you aren't trying to control her, and that you just want to spend some time with her the way you used to, but you've done what you can and she's responded. You can repair the relationship, to an extent. You won't be besties or anything (she's got sparkly vampire for that), but you can have a cordial, civil relationship that will take a load of stress off of your shoulders and make your life less miserable until you can move out.

So, sit her down when Edward-wannabe is in the can sharpening his fangs, and let her know that you're going to respect the relationship choices she's making and not bother her about them. Let her know that you would like to have a more friendly relationship with her than you've had in the past few weeks, one where everyone is civil and no one is doing anything passive aggressive, like bolting doors, silent treatments, or whatnot, because living in a tense apartment isn't good for anyone. Then explain that you'd like to work out some boundaries about the apartment, maintenance, guests, and other things.

When she protests, remind her that you're here to get a degree and while it's her right to have guests in her home, it's also your right to have your home stress-free enough for you to do your studies. And that means having some apartment rules that you both abide by and you both agree to. However, you won't ask her to do anything you won't do yourself, so if you designate Mondays as a day her boyfriend can't come over, then you won't bring yours over, either (for example). Before you have this conversation, check your lease. There are usually rules about guests in them. And practice in the mirror.

Finally, if nothing else, when you come home and they're cuddling on the couch, smile, say hello to both of them, and then go about your business. You can't make her act like a friend, but there's nothing that says that you can't handle the situation with grace.

Edited February 7, 2014 by danieleWrites

[overworkedta]

Honeymoon phases. Yeesh. It will eventually wear off.

At any rate, you have a situation to deal with that's causing you a lot of stress. The friendship that you'd had has shifted a bit and you can't change her. Starting and maintaining a cold war isn't going to make your life more bearable. However, it is your home, not his, and you have certain rights.

Rather than think about this in terms of a lost friendship, try the approach where you accept that your roomie is going to make her own life choices and you don't have any say in who chooses to spend her time with. It hurts when friendships change so suddenly, but getting angry because she won't change really only hurts you in the long run. And it will likely only makes her cling more superciliously to her "soulmate" (how Twilight can you get?). I know that you aren't trying to control her, and that you just want to spend some time with her the way you used to, but you've done what you can and she's responded. You can repair the relationship, to an extent. You won't be besties or anything (she's got sparkly vampire for that), but you can have a cordial, civil relationship that will take a load of stress off of your shoulders and make your life less miserable until you can move out.

So, sit her down when Edward-wannabe is in the can sharpening his fangs, and let her know that you're going to respect the relationship choices she's making and not bother her about them. Let her know that you would like to have a more friendly relationship with her than you've had in the past few weeks, one where everyone is civil and no one is doing anything passive aggressive, like bolting doors, silent treatments, or whatnot, because living in a tense apartment isn't good for anyone. Then explain that you'd like to work out some boundaries about the apartment, maintenance, guests, and other things.

When she protests, remind her that you're here to get a degree and while it's her right to have guests in her home, it's also your right to have your home stress-free enough for you to do your studies. And that means having some apartment rules that you both abide by and you both agree to. However, you won't ask her to do anything you won't do yourself, so if you designate Mondays as a day her boyfriend can't come over, then you won't bring yours over, either (for example). Before you have this conversation, check your lease. There are usually rules about guests in them. And practice in the mirror.

Finally, if nothing else, when you come home and they're cuddling on the couch, smile, say hello to both of them, and then go about your business. You can't make her act like a friend, but there's nothing that says that you can't handle the situation with grace.

 

This is excellent advice.  I will remind myself of this with my roommate who thinks she can dictate my personal life a little too often.  It hurts because we were very, very close before we moved in together and now two years down the road, we aren't.  Friendships change but you just have to set boundaries and be respectful.  Locking her out or being awful to the guy (who sounds like a miserable pain-in-the-you-know-what) isn't going to solve the problem.

 

And, yes, while he may only be "just" emotionally abusive (which, BTW is actually a really painful thing, too), he could become really abusive.  Having a more civil relationship can really be helpful to her when he starts to do things because if you are open with one another and appear to have a caring relationship, she will feel safe to confide in you.  If you are always passive aggressive towards one another, it won't work out and she will feel alienated.

 

At no point is this solely your responsibility.  I'm sorry you're in this mess but if you do want the tense situation to improve, it looks like you will have to be the one to make the first move.  She clearly doesn't seem to be moving that way.

[CagedBird]

To danieleWrites and overworkedta:

 

It's so hard to be warming to them when they completely ignore me. But I guess you're right. I hate that my senior year is turning out like this, especially with this roommate that I've had the whole time as an undergraduate. I want to make a change though; I can't keep coming home completely miserable all the time. And I can't let her dictate anymore how I feel. I think I've already invested too much time and energy into this situation. 

 

I also think she has no interest in repairing our friendship, after her comments that she doesn't want to spend time with anyone else and that she hoped that I didn't have any hard feelings about it, or that she couldn't hang out with someone that didn't like her boyfriend anyway. If she's willing to drop our friendship of almost 4 years (and all her other friendships in fact) for a boyfriend that she has only had for 6 months, I don't think I would want to be friends anymore with someone like that anyway.

[overworkedta]

I don't blame you.  She sounds like she is just not well right now and is not at all being a good friend.  My roommate is similarly annoying me but I think we may have ended the drama train last night with (finally) and honest conversation and her telling me what was annoying her.  I miss having her as a friend and it hurts to think that won't be an option anymore, so I hope this fixes it.  But even if we hadn't had one good conversation, I would still try to be civil.  For your own sanity's sake it's worth it.  Having been in a situation where the roommate drama factory exploded and 2 roommates ended up in a screaming match so bad that the whole house was on edge for 3 weeks or so, it's best to just keep trying with the simple things.

 

I completely understand you wanting to write her off completely when you leave and don't think that's bad of you AT ALL.  She's not investing in the relationship so why should you?  Unfortunately, because you're stuck with her for a bit more, you just have to deal with it as best you can.  It might seem like a good idea to be childish or retaliate (I don't blame you) but it is unadviseable because of the potential for a volatile response on her end. Since she really is being awful, I doubt retailation will help.

[CagedBird]

I don't blame you.  She sounds like she is just not well right now and is not at all being a good friend.  My roommate is similarly annoying me but I think we may have ended the drama train last night with (finally) and honest conversation and her telling me what was annoying her.  I miss having her as a friend and it hurts to think that won't be an option anymore, so I hope this fixes it.  But even if we hadn't had one good conversation, I would still try to be civil.  For your own sanity's sake it's worth it.  Having been in a situation where the roommate drama factory exploded and 2 roommates ended up in a screaming match so bad that the whole house was on edge for 3 weeks or so, it's best to just keep trying with the simple things.

 

I completely understand you wanting to write her off completely when you leave and don't think that's bad of you AT ALL.  She's not investing in the relationship so why should you?  Unfortunately, because you're stuck with her for a bit more, you just have to deal with it as best you can.  It might seem like a good idea to be childish or retaliate (I don't blame you) but it is unadviseable because of the potential for a volatile response on her end. Since she really is being awful, I doubt retailation will help.

 

It's good to hear that your situation has improved! It gives me slight hope that mine might improve as well. I just found out today that a good friend of mine has a vacancy in her 2-bedroom apartment and has asked me to move in....would moving in with my friend be a cope out though? We have these apartments until July, so would it be worth it to go through the whole moving process again? Part of me wants to stay and stick it out, maybe repairing the friendship at some point. But part of me wants to just leave now and be happy with a new living arrangement. I also know that if I move now, the chances of my previous roommate and I ever speaking again are slim to none

[overworkedta]

Well, legally, what are you obligated to do?  Can you find a sub-leasor?  If yes, then I think it is fair to move out IF you don't want to speak to this person again.

 

I wasn't willing to leave my friend hanging even though I sometimes wanted to scream at her.  And I never would have stepped out on a lease - no way.  That is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

 

However, if you honestly can't deal with the situation anymore and you can get out of it without completely screwing your roommate over, I say go for it.  Life is too short.

[CagedBird]

Our apartments are owned by the university, and we each actually pay our own individual leases, so we don't share the apartment lease. And I've heard from other people that it is really easy to move apartments during the middle of the semester. She just wouldn't have a roommate anymore, without any effect on her lease. 

[overworkedta]

I would say then there's really nothing to lose in that situation if you honestly think you aren't interested in living with her.  If it won't reflect badly on her, why not?

[CagedBird]

I found out today that it would cost quite a bit of money for me to just transfer rooms, and that it may not even occur due to the roommate that had left because of some legal issues surrounding her leave of absence. 

 

On a good note, the girl I was going to room with has offered for me to stay with her as much as I want, and other good friends of mine that I've been with staying with occasionally love it when I come over and stay the night with them. The situation with my current roommate has gotten progressively worse since I've confronted her, for we are no longer on speaking terms anymore. It looks like I might have to just stick out the situation and make the best of it. Any advice of how to deal with this gracefully and learn to just keep to myself fron now on?

 

By the way, you have been very helpful, overworkedta, and I greatly appreciate all your help through this situation.