dating someone with high school diploma...?

[Quantum Buckyball]

Have any of you guys either currently dating, dated, or married to someone without a higher ed. degree? Could you please share your experience in term of how to keep the relationship interesting and what were some of the hardships you encountered? 

 

I told the person about my profession and the person got nervous all of the sudden because the person of interest only has a high school diploma. 

 

I made it very clear that I don't think having a higher ed. degree is required when it comes to dating and I'm always open to trying new things. However, most of the people I have dated were doctors, scientists or lawyers though.

Edited April 30, 2014 by Quantum Buckyball

[maelia8]

I dated someone who was a high school dropout (as an adult, he ended up becoming a musician and a cook) and came from a family with a history of neglect, drug abuse, and extreme poverty. He was pretty self-educated though, as he read a lot of pretty high-level books and was happy to discuss philosophy and history with me.

 

The relationship actually ended up being very interesting and enriching. After spending time with a lot of pretty sheltered young people groomed for the academic path, hanging out with someone with a lot of real world experience was refreshing and gave me new perspective. My not-so-educated dropout boyfriend was never pretentious, as some academics I've dated have been (although far from all), and he was great at getting me out of my comfort zone, off campus, and off the computer.

 

Any difficulties we had were mostly related to personal habits (he was a chain smoker who had begun at a very young age and tried many times to quit), which were only marginally related to his lack of education. 

 

I think that your philosophy on life (political and social and religious beliefs, ideas about cleanliness/noise/entertainment activities) is much more important than how many years you've spent in formal education. A great relationship can exist between two academics, but it can also exist between an academic and someone without a high school degree.

[overworkedta]

It's about views on life more than anything.  I've dated very, very educated people and those that weren't as typically educated.  My current BF only has 2 BA's and no graduate degree yet we get along fine and he "gets it".  At some point, he may go back to school.  I'm fully supportive of whatever choice he makes, though.  He's more than bright enough to hold his own in a debate with me and has far more common sense than I do.

 

The biggest deal breakers for me have been with the appreciation of my education and my desire to put my career up there as the very most important goal fgr me right now.  Because I'm still getting "off the ground", I can't just drop everything and follow someone out of here.  The three guys I've dated with Master's degrees (incl. 1 PhD student) have all forgotten how important my research really was to me and just didn't value what I was doing because I made less or was younger.  Other issues came with view of family stuff.  Family is VERY key to me.  Anyone who doesn't see that or support that will not work out.  Those have been the two main deal-breakers above political stuff but I don't generally date anyone whose views are very contrary to mine.  As my current BF found out with his ex, that's a recipe for disaster.  You can't make a close-minded person open up.  You can potentially respectfully disagree on things (as my parents do) but completely trashing the other person's beliefs is not gonna work.

[Munashi]

My SO only has a high school diploma.  They started college, but were unable to finish for financial/family reasons.  They are successful in their current career (software engineer) and it has never been an issue between the two of us.  My SO is more intelligent than many people with PhDs I've interacted with *shrugs*.  I've also met GED holders with more innate intellectual ability than I have.  Education level isn't always the best measuring stick for brain power.

 

Like the other replies mentioned, I think compatibility in terms of life view, etc is more important.  My SO and I are both nerds, very curious, and driven.  I never, ever notice a "gap" created by our differing educational levels.  We've been together many years now - so I feel confident putting that out there.  Hell, I make use of SO's expertise all the time: I get help with my code on occasion if needed.

 

I do think that if I felt smarter than my SO, this would create a problem (for me. This may not be the case for every couple).  But for us, that isn't an issue.  This varies on a case by case basis - your milage my vary.

 

(Edit for clarity)

Edited April 30, 2014 by Munashi

[overworkedta]

Yeah, I think that varies but I agree.  If I felt like I was miles above the SO in terms of argument and logic, I would be out of there.  I need someone who can hold their own, think independently, and be analytical just like me.  I would feel weird otherwise.

[Lisa44201]

My husband has a high school diploma. He will finally (finally) graduate from college next month. My education/career path has never been an item of contention between us. With the way my career is unfolding, we're both perfectly happy with me going to school and working a salaried job and him staying home with the kids.

 

The only real issue we've had with me going to grad school is the flak we got from his family when we originally moved for my Master's degree (as in, "But why can't you stay in New York? Doesn't Syracuse have a grad program?" Answer: because I wanted to get the h%*# out of New York, and found POIs that were conveniently a thousand or so miles away). Other than that, there really haven't been any problems.

[maelia8]

In terms of being intellectual equals, I agree with Munashi that it's vital - but has nothing to do with education level. I felt like I was able to have a better political discussion with my dropout ex than with my ex who graduated with a Masters' degree - the former was just a better conversationalist and a more avid debater. In fact, some of the people I've met who were most wishy-washy and lacking in social/political opinions were people ensconced in the higher levels of academia who either isolated themselves from anything outside of their field, or were too polite/fearful of offending to really get passionate about their beliefs. I'm not saying that this is the majority of academics by any means, but that being an academic/very well-educated person does not guarantee that you will be better at logical argumentation and appear highly intelligent when debating.

[victorydance]

Intelligence isn't a big deal to me in significant others. I don't like having intense discussions with people I am hanging out with. I just look for general chemistry and compatibility. 

 

I like to keep things separate in my life. My significant other is for caring, emotional support, loving, and having fun.

 

I don't like having political discussions with anyone I spend my day to day life with. I am a political scientist, but am pretty apolitical. I like the technical side, not debating about certain partisan things. Actually, I hate it because I end up finding flaws in almost everything someone says. 

[kimmibeans]

My current Boyfriend is a year and a half older than me and just finished his Associate's last semester. When I first met him three years ago, he only had a high school diploma and had started his AS the year before (he was going to school part time). He had to go through some soul searching to figure out what he wanted to do with his life and is now trying to go get his bachelor's and eventually go to med school. Quite frankly I think he is smarter than most of the people I met with college degrees and he is much more well read than I am. He challenges me intellectually and encourages me to use my brain outside of my academic pursuits. A lot of people have yet to realize that higher education does not equal intelligence, and it's been a battle to try to get my family, which is almost entirely college educated, to understand this.

Edited April 30, 2014 by kimmibeans

[LittleDarlings]

I've dated guys with just a high school education. Mostly military guys, it never mattered to me. I have talked to a few guys recently and they hear that I'm getting a graduate degree and what school I'm going to and are super impressed but it doesn't matter a ton.

[bsharpe269]

My experience has been pretty different than most people's on here. I dated someone without higher education and it didnt work in large part because of the lack of education.

 

Ill start by saying that I could definitely see myself dating someone without higher education. For example, I have a family memeber who went the military route and never got his bachelors. He has a great job now using the military training, making more than I will ever make as an academic. He keeps healthy and fit, volunteers abroad, started his own small not for profit, paints, and is extremely well read about philosophy and politics. There are plenty of people out there like this who don't have advanced degrees but are super productive, motivated people.

 

My previous serious boyfriends have been all been super different. They include 1) a man with a high school diploma who has been holding various non career type jobs like retail or restaurants, 2) a man with a BA in marketing (but horrible GPA!) who didnt really aspire to do much other than get into the family bussiness and live forever in his small town, and 3) my fiance who has a BS in international business and a BA in a foreign language and is now working on his MBA. During undergrad, he did an honors thesis, written entirely in the foreign language along with tons of internships and has a great job currently.

 

The reasons my previous relationships failed had less to do with education (one of them did have a BA) and more to know with motivation. Its really important to me that my partner has goals and passions. I could date someone who didnt have higher education if they were motivated across the other areas of their life, like my family member is. I dont necesarily think that is super common though because most of the motivated people I know have the drive to pursue higher education (but definite not all). Passion,goals, and motivation are really important to me in a significant other.

Edited April 30, 2014 by bsharpe269

[overworkedta]

I get that finishing a degree MAY say something about a person but it may also just say "my parents could afford for me to get a pretty useless degree by barely getting C's while they footed the bill".  There are a lot of mediocre students in college.  I knew many then and we've all had those students.  Yes, finishing a degree with good marks is difficult and shows that but working a job or learning a trade can show just as much dedication.  It's a toss up.

 

My BF only recently finished his degrees a couple of years ago.  He was close to graduating before he and his ex got pregnant, they got married, and he had to go to work full time to pay the bills.  When he was finally ready to go back to school and could afford it, he did but it wasn't easy.  Sometimes family stuff happens, sometimes you get caught up in the stress of life and have to switch off, and sometimes the obstacles are pretty big.  And I wouldn't ever describe him as unmotivated.  Heck, one of the most motivated people I know is my grandmother, who has about a 6 grade education because she had to come home to raise her 10 other siblings when her mom got sick.  She is one of the most dedicated people alive.

 

I think my worry would actually be more worried about them understanding what I am going through and listening to what I "need".  I've had family members think what I was doing was stupid or useless, which a lot of people think about academics because they don't "get" it and think it's a cush job that requires no effort.  That would worry me more than motivation.

[Vene]

My wife doesn't have a college degree. She went to one, but never completed it. However, she is still extremely intelligent (she went to DLI to be trained in linguistics), but military service did not do good things for her mental health. On the positive side, this makes relocating for a degree a bit easier as we don't have much of a two body problem.

[CageFree]

My husband is the only person I've been involved with who has an advanced degree. My ex-husband only had a high school diploma and, in retrospect, a big part of why our relationship didn't work out had to do with the reasons why he didn't have a diploma. Essentially, he found my education (at the time I only had a BA but I did attend a school with big name recognition) threatening, even emasculating, and this resentment expressed itself in a constant need to "put me in my place" and show me that despite my "big vocabulary" (it's not as if I go around quoting Foucault, either!) and the fact that I made more money than he, I was essentially worthless because I am a woman.

 

Now, this isn't because he didn't go to college. As many others have pointed out, there are plenty of idiots with college degrees and plenty of smart, articulate people without them. But as someone else also mentioned, the reasons why the person doesn't have a degree do play some role. My ex was not intellectually curious, hated reading, and did not see much value in education. He came from a blue-collar and machista background. He did not have examples of strong, educated women around him (his mom didn't go past 5th grade), and his father saw himself as a family patriarch of sorts. He made decent money without a college degree (though the lack of education did limit his opportunities for advancement). I came from a similar background, but my mother is very strong. Looking back, I never should have married him, because I more or less married my father, which didn't work out so well for my mother. *shudder*

 

My now husband is pretty much the opposite. He encouraged me to go to grad school, moved up here with me, and is willing to listen to me as I bounce ideas around even though what I do is completely outside his area of expertise. He too comes from a blue collar, socially conservative background,and his mom has a HS diploma, but like my mom, she's very strong. The main difference is that my husband is curious and loves to learn, even if it's not in his field. He reads a lot. We have great (and heated) discussions, and he was attracted to me precisely because I'm outspoken and opinionated... a mild-mannered woman would have bored him to tears. He's even becoming a feminist!  I can't picture ever being where I am now had I stayed with ex. He wouldn't understand. My husband has a MS and he "gets" it.

 

So... I guess what I'm saying is that it's not so much about having a degree, but about what drives people to get them... having similar backgrounds can be good, but you also have to be driven by similar values... there has to be something that acts as an equalizer. 

Edited April 30, 2014 by CageFree

[starofdawn]

Unfortunately, society plays a heavy weight on the "value" of a person in relation to their higher education. I've met a few people who feel uncomfortable around college graduates. I've never felt "better" or "higher up" than someone who does not have a Bachelor's - but I learned a few years ago that a cousin's girlfriend is uncomfortable around me and my boyfriend because we are college graduates. I was shocked when I first heard this.

 

Another example - a friend of mine (UCLA graduate) recently broke up with his girlfriend of 7 years (no college degree). I'm sure there were many reasons for the break-up, but I heard that she was insecure that her boyfriend was a college graduate.

 

Quantum Buckyball,  it sounds like your date is insecure about not having a college degree. That's very sad, because as we can see, none of us look down on anyone who does not have a college degree. Having been to college, we know that unintelligent people can get college degrees! I hope your date will realize that there is no reason to be worried about dating someone in graduate school. If she can't get past that, then it might cause trouble in your relationship.

[Vene]

CageFree, your ex sounds like a truly terrible human being.

Edited April 30, 2014 by Vene

[CageFree]

CageFree, your ex sounds like a truly terrible human being.

 

Yeah well, that's why I upgraded.

[overworkedta]

Yeah well, that's why I upgraded.

 

Good for you!  My ex (who was a PhD student at the time but eventually failed/burned out whichever one really happened I don't know) used to tell me I was USELESS to him because I didn't have a "real" major.  He was intimidated by how natural I was at school and how well I did with schmoozing.  My other ex who is still going to grad school felt similarly.  Both were very intelligent people but neither had the desire or discipline I did to really excel at their crafts.  Both would dawdle all day and then get upset when their advisor was breathing down their necks because they had done NOTHING.  I feel like both of them constantly put me down to compensate for something.  It wasn't about me at all but that doesn't mean I deserve such treatment.

 

I upgraded and am very happy.

[Queen of Kale]

My husband has a GED and we have been together for 12 years.  He is my better half in almost every way.  But, I feel pretty strongly that intelligence and higher education have little correlation except that higher education should be available as a tool for self-betterment if someone chooses to avail themselves of that particular course.  It also helps that my husband's intellectual strengths are areas I am weaker in.  He has an incredible memory for, and ability to pull from, many threads of literature, art, history, all in the course of the same conversation.  I can do calculus.  It's nice that we have each other but education has very little to do with out compatibility.  

 

Sure, he is articulate, informed, and excited about learning - attributes you may associate with education (although, I don't). But more importantly he is filled with empathy, compassion, and mercy when dealing with others. I like to think that higher education increases our capacity for these emotions but I have yet to see evidence of a strong correlation, despite some pretty long term (but laughable IMO) attempts to integrate "character education" into curriculums at all levels.  Higher education is lovely but life experience, opportunity, and personal choice are paramount and higher education is just a personal choice to pursue one particular type of experience when given the opportunity.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I'd prefer to date someone not in college and I'd settle for an undergrad underachiever. I couldn't date some neurotic grad chick with a social disorder. 

[bsharpe269]

Sure, he is articulate, informed, and excited about learning - attributes you may associate with education (although, I don't). But more importantly he is filled with empathy, compassion, and mercy when dealing with others. I

 

Your husband sounds like an amazing person! For people who descirbed their SOs as really great, intelligent people who dont have higher education, Id be interested to hear what their careers are if anyone wants to share.

 

My post mentions that I really want to see drive and passion in someone I date and I fully recognize that these qualities can exist without higher educaiton but often seem to correlate with it a bit. For example, I would have no problem at all dating someone with a passion for a trade like carpentry or someone who owns their own small business as long as they were passionate about something and went after it. Also, I wouldnt have a problem dating someone who didnt care at all about their job if they were passionate about other areas of their life like fitness or hobbies.

[Munashi]

It also helps that my husband's intellectual strengths are areas I am weaker in.  He has an incredible memory for, and ability to pull from, many threads of literature, art, history, all in the course of the same conversation.  I can do calculus.  It's nice that we have each other but education has very little to do with out compatibility. 

 

I think this may be a factor for my SO and I, now that you've mentioned it.  We compliment each other, both intellectually and in other areas.  Together we almost make a functional human being!  (I jest.)

 

I said this in my original response, but since bsharpe asked specifically, I'll reiterate - my SO is a software engineer.

[kimmibeans]

For people who descirbed their SOs as really great, intelligent people who dont have higher education, Id be interested to hear what their careers are if anyone wants to share.

 

My boyfriend is a Paramedic in New York City as well as a paramedic and EMT instructor at the school he got his certifications from. I guess now he does have a higher education since he just finished his associate's though.

[wildviolet]

So... I guess what I'm saying is that it's not so much about having a degree, but about what drives people to get them... having similar backgrounds can be good, but you also have to be driven by similar values... there has to be something that acts as an equalizer. 

 

I agree with this. My ex-husband started a PhD program in the sciences because he didn't know what else to do at that time (it's hard to do anything with just a BS in Physics). Anyway, he dropped out after 2 years of grad school, and they gave him a MS degree for taking courses and passing part of his comps. I think he wasn't motivated to pursue academic work, and academia wouldn't have suited him anyway. Well, turns out he can't keep his attention on anything for very long... a year at a job, and he's itching to "move on" and "move up." He wasn't satisfied with what he had. In the end, I think we didn't value the same things. We were both college educated (same college, actually, which is where we met), and the chemistry was there, but ultimately, we didn't want the same things in life.

 

Honestly, I don't know what the secret is... I'm still looking! But, at least from my past exeriences, I would say that whether someone has a college education or not has little to do with how intelligent, compassionate, and honest someone is. Of course, I say this, and I'm crushing on a fellow grad student!

 

Oh, and I just wanted to add that one of my grad student colleagues recently married a guy who's a manager of a fast food restaurant. She seems very happy!

Edited May 1, 2014 by wildviolet

[i.am.me]

The guys that I liked in the past were mostly men who either had not finished their college degrees or have a BA. Unfortunately, I cannot echo some of the positive points in this thread - the men that I knew recognized my intellectual pursuits as just that - intellectual intelligence. They downplayed other parts of me such as my street smarts, my wisdom. and even my independence. I don't think this has to do with their level of education - it mainly seemed like the problem was MY level of education. Yeah, I know its also their personality and own beliefs...but these experiences have really disappointed me. 

 

One of the guys that I sort of liked (but no longer) actually said he didn't like women with a higher education than him because "women like that are bossy"...he must of been the most bossiest person I know. I'll be frank, the guys that I like most tend be men that have varied life experiences and...perhaps have had some struggle in their earlier lives but there does not seem to be a lot of single guys like these in my program.  

Edited May 2, 2014 by i.am.me