Relationship vs. Graduate School

[kbui]

I was set for the next three years. Fulbright then two years of graduate school, graduate, get a high-profile job in government, then meet tons of great people and live a life slightly less glamorous than Britney Spears.

 

But now I've met someone, and at the moment (because as we all know it gets a lot less dreamy after a while) he's everything I've ever looked for a in a partner: generous, smart, attractive, ambitious, and witty (in addition to tons of other great qualities).

 

He lives nowhere near New Haven or the East Coast.

 

After I get back from Fulbright, assuming that we will want to continue our relationship, should I not attend graduate school for the chance to be with someone who's potentially a long-term partner? I mean, graduate school will always be there and I don't know if I really need a graduate degree after seeing friends graduate still as scared of starting a career the real world as they did in undergrad.

 

Advice from people who started relationships before graduate school?

Edited July 9, 2014 by kbui

[Grimnir]

I'm in  a similar situation except we're both applying to graduate programs and hoping we get into the same school or schools very close to one another. Her chosen profession is a lot more lucrative than mine so I'm considering working while she finishes her degree, but it is a tough decision...I think you really need to evaluate the level of commitment and the potential for a future together. I don't think anyone can tell you what is more important. Have you discussed it extensively with him? What are his thoughts?

[bsharpe269]

I was in a very similar situation about 15 months ago actually! I had an amzaing opportunity in front of me that I had been waiting for a long time. I met the absolute most amazing man in the world who was perfect for me. I gave up the opportunity...which in the past would have been totally opposite of my norm. I could not stand to let this man go though. Anyway, we got engaged in December and are currently planning a wedding.

 

I guess I have mixed advice for you...

1) I hate to say it... but even though this man seems absolute perfect for you at the moment, you have no idea if he will once you get past the honeymoon phase. The first 9ish months of my relationship were SO freakin perfect that I seriously thought that no one else in the world could possibly have experienced a love this amazing. Although I still love my fiance with all of my heart, I was hit with some tough reality when the honeymoon phase lifted and my sweet, amazing man turned into your average guy. We went through some really tough months recently since we had to figure out how to be in a relationship and love eachother without it being that abolutely perfect, lovey dovey feeling 24/7.

2) Even though I just gave a little speach about how things may very likely change, I still would not take back decision. I am working on a MS now and will be applying to phd programs this fall so it isnt like I gave up success, I just had to reorganize things and give up an opportunity. I was able to find another good opportunity to take its place. It is likely that if you give up an opportunity for your SO that you can find something else awesome to take its place that you can love as well. Even though things aren't perfect with my fiance now like they used to be, I do still care for him deeply and look forward to spending my life with him.

 

A couple things that you could consider while making this decision:

Can you attend graduate school near him? Then you dont have to give up your plan at all, just switch schools.

You don't necesarily have to be the only one to make sacrifices. Can he relocate?

If you decide to give up grad school for now, you can always go later and get more work experience for now. This isnt a one time only thing.

 

Don't make a decision that you might regret. If you would regret not giving this relationship a chance then you know what you need to do... if you would regret giving up grad school if you guys ended up breaking up then you should probably not give that up. Good luck with your decision and congrats on finding such a perfect man!

[TakeruK]

I was set for the next three years. Fulbright then two years of graduate school, graduate, get a high-profile job in government, then meet tons of great people and live a life slightly less glamorous than Britney Spears.

 

But now I've met someone, and at the moment (because as we all know it gets a lot less dreamy after a while) he's everything I've ever looked for a in a partner: generous, smart, attractive, ambitious, and witty (in addition to tons of other great qualities).

 

He lives nowhere near New Haven or the East Coast.

 

After I get back from Fulbright, assuming that we will want to continue our relationship, should I not attend graduate school for the chance to be with someone who's potentially a long-term partner? I mean, graduate school will always be there and I don't know if I really need a graduate degree after seeing friends graduate still as scared of starting a career the real world as they did in undergrad.

 

Advice from people who started relationships before graduate school?

 

I started my relationship before grad school and got married one year into it. We were not in exactly the same situation--our relationship was several years old when grad school started and my SO moved with me to grad school because we knew that we wanted to get married fairly soon!

 

However, I think having this new guy consider moving with you to New Haven after your Fulbright is finished sounds like something you might want to consider! Definitely don't want to be lecturing, but I should point out that both of you owe it to each other to discuss both options (you not attending grad school to live near him, and him moving to New Haven to be with you) before either of you make the big decision to move! But also it sounds like you two might not be at this stage yet since it's a new relationship and you're definitely doing the Fulbright anyways so this is probably something you can talk about in a year after the "honeymoon" stage is over, probably? That is, it sounds like you have about another year or so to explore this relationship before you really have to decide relationship, grad school, or some compromise!

 

I agree with everything that Grimnir and bsharpe said! I know many couples (with one or both partners in academia) who are able to compromise on locations in order for both people to be happy--stuff like one person doing grad school and the other working, then they switch, etc. I'd say have fun exploring this relationship, find out how much it will mean to you in the long term and then make the best decision for yourself I hope knowing that there are others in grad school that overcame similar experiences is helpful. Good luck!

[maelia8]

Frankly, I'm going to go against the majority here and advise that you don't make any major decisions related to your education based on this relationship, at least this early on. As a former Fulbrighter, I can tell you that a Fulbright year is a long time and a long distance, and it is possible that your relationship won't survive it. I'd take baby steps and see how this new relationship survives long distance before considering changing my educational plans based on it. I know there's no magic time cutoff in a relationship when you're supposed to start compromising on location and job plans, but for me personally, that time wouldn't come unless we'd been together in a solid relationship for at least two years.

 

As someone who's moved overseas three times and moved for university twice, each time leaving behind a potentially great partner, I haven't regretted my decision to focus on my education and goals rather than compromising to be with this person, and if you should choose to do the same, please don't feel guilty about it. I wish you the best of luck with your decision, because I know from experience that it's a hard one. Best wishes!

[WriteAndKnit]

If the relationship is just starting out, start with baby steps. See if you can commit to a weekly Skype date before you even CONSIDER dropping out of grad school for this person! And, well, based on personal experience, I wouldn't move for a relationship unless you both have something in the destination (that goes for him, too). 

[LittleDarlings]

Awww thats so cute! I personally say go for the relationship.. I think that is the expected response from me though.  I mean the way I see it, you have the potential to be with this person for forever.  He could very easily be THE ONE and you will get married and have a family and it would be amazing, or you can let him go for school and then possibly have lost THE ONE.  School will forever be around, but finding "the one" is rare and (at least for me) the most difficult thing in life so I would pick the guy and then once I am married and maybe pregnant or have kids I would go back to school.  

[ahlatsiawa]

^ Gnome Chomsky in 3..2..1..

[LittleDarlings]

^ Gnome Chomsky in 3..2..1..

Haha I thought about that! It kind of makes me want to delete it :/ but hey just giving my honest opinion  

[fuzzylogician]

After I get back from Fulbright, assuming that we will want to continue our relationship, should I not attend graduate school for the chance to be with someone who's potentially a long-term partner? I mean, graduate school will always be there and I don't know if I really need a graduate degree after seeing friends graduate still as scared of starting a career the real world as they did in undergrad.

 

Advice from people who started relationships before graduate school?

 

The good news is you don't need to decide now, since it sounds like you're doing the fulbright anyway. Explore the relationship and let it develop over the next year, and you can see where you stand at the end of it. You'll be mostly over the honeymoon phase by then and you'll know your partner much better, so you'll have a better chance of making an informed decision. If you do decide this relationship is something you want to keep, there are different ways to make it work that don't necessarily have to involve you giving up your grad school commitment. People find different ways of making it work, and this should be something you discuss together with your partner since both of you will be making the commitment. Even if it's you who is giving up grad school, it will have implications for him if nothing else then in terms of how committed you are and what you've sacrificed to be with him. That's a responsibility that some people find difficult to take on; I personally don't know how I'd feel about someone giving up grad school to be with me if it was a good relationship but still fairly new. It puts a lot of burden and expectations on the relationship. I'd say, right now it's better to wait and see what the circumstances are like next year, and take it from there. 

[Roll Right]

If you've found the "perfect" partner, then you should be able to attend graduate school and have a relationship at the same time.

A relationship that is worthwhile should not require you to give up on your dreams, aspirations, etc.

[kbui]

I like many of the advice on here. Right now I think that I will:

• Evaluate the level of commitment and potential for a future together with him
• Understand that it's not going to be the honeymoon phase forever (most probably) and that I should be prepared to accept him outside of that phase
• Ask him if he could sacrifice and move to New Haven or the East Coast so we can be closer together (if that's an option for him)
• Understand that a year apart is a very long time
• Discuss options that will work for the both of us because giving up graduate school for a new relationship may put a lot of burden and expectations on the relationship
• Understand that a relationship that is worthwhile should not require me to give up my dreams and aspirations

I greatly appreciate this advice, GradCafe!

[VulpesZerda]

I have a question about long distance relationships and grad school, if it's okay to put it here - I didn't think it was necessarily thread-worthy.

 

How often do people fly home / have their SO fly out to visit? I realize that as a grad student I would be swamped with work at almost every waking hour... but is every 2 or 3 weekends realistic for visits? Right now I'm at a summer research program and haven't seen my SO in almost 4 weeks. It'll be 8 by the end. It's fine for one summer but it doesn't seem sustainable for us over several years. We've lived 10 minutes apart for 5 years so it would be a big change. Any input on workload vs visits?

[bsharpe269]

I have a question about long distance relationships and grad school, if it's okay to put it here - I didn't think it was necessarily thread-worthy.

How often do people fly home / have their SO fly out to visit? I realize that as a grad student I would be swamped with work at almost every waking hour... but is every 2 or 3 weekends realistic for visits? Right now I'm at a summer research program and haven't seen my SO in almost 4 weeks. It'll be 8 by the end. It's fine for one summer but it doesn't seem sustainable for us over several years. We've lived 10 minutes apart for 5 years so it would be a big change. Any input on workload vs visits?

You will not necessarily be swamped nonstop with work. You will probably need to work more than a standard 40 hour per week job but you will need to find a balance between work and other priorities. I think visiting your SO every other weekend if completely reasonable. If you need to get some work done while visiting then that is always an option but taking the whole weekend off is also fine. Honestly, you can work 16 hours a day, 7 days a week if you let yourself so it is up to you to set limits and make time for people who are important to you.

[VulpesZerda]

You will not necessarily be swamped nonstop with work. You will probably need to work more than a standard 40 hour per week job but you will need to find a balance between work and other priorities. I think visiting your SO every other weekend if completely reasonable. If you need to get some work done while visiting then that is always an option but taking the whole weekend off is also fine. Honestly, you can work 16 hours a day, 7 days a week if you let yourself so it is up to you to set limits and make time for people who are important to you.

 

That's helpful, thanks! I'm really trying to be realistic about applying to locations I'm actually willing to go to. A short, cheap flight makes visiting seem like a piece of cake if I could make the time.

 

I think I've just met too many neurotic grad students, lol. I almost always feel overwhelmed just by talking to one because they're always so busy. It's crazy to picture my life being like that some day.

[confusedkate]

At first my SO and I were seeing each other every 3 weeks or so. But due to time/our schedules and the cost of flights it's dropped down to a more manageable schedule of every 6 weeks. (The every three weeks lasted about six months). I'm not sure if it's going to work out between us for much longer once school starts up again and we are both incredibly busy. I'm not sure if this insight helps or not. Good luck.

[VulpesZerda]

At first my SO and I were seeing each other every 3 weeks or so. But due to time/our schedules and the cost of flights it's dropped down to a more manageable schedule of every 6 weeks. (The every three weeks lasted about six months). I'm not sure if it's going to work out between us for much longer once school starts up again and we are both incredibly busy. I'm not sure if this insight helps or not. Good luck.

I appreciate the honesty, and really hearing anyone's experience helps. I hope it works out for you!

[kbui]

Frankly, I'm going to go against the majority here and advise that you don't make any major decisions related to your education based on this relationship, at least this early on. As a former Fulbrighter, I can tell you that a Fulbright year is a long time and a long distance, and it is possible that your relationship won't survive it. I'd take baby steps and see how this new relationship survives long distance before considering changing my educational plans based on it. I know there's no magic time cutoff in a relationship when you're supposed to start compromising on location and job plans, but for me personally, that time wouldn't come unless we'd been together in a solid relationship for at least two years.

 

As someone who's moved overseas three times and moved for university twice, each time leaving behind a potentially great partner, I haven't regretted my decision to focus on my education and goals rather than compromising to be with this person, and if you should choose to do the same, please don't feel guilty about it. I wish you the best of luck with your decision, because I know from experience that it's a hard one. Best wishes!

 

This is along the same lines that I'm thinking. It's going to be a long, long time. I've been abroad in Taiwan for 9-10 months before, and I developed and grew so much that it's hard to think that I was even the same person. I'm feeling that this year in Thailand is going to do the same for me, and I'm going to meet so many new people that it's going to be hard to determine if we're going to be a match or not afterwards. I'm just going to play it by ear, and see what happens after I come back to the States (which, at the moment, seems like I'm probably going to graduate school). Thanks, Maelia8.