Undergrad wanting to date a grad student

[victorydance]

Because it's a sexist assumption that is not even necessarily true? Plenty of people regardless of gender hang around waiting for the other person to make a move. Lots of women make the first move at least some of the time. If it's your experience that they never do, then it sounds like your personal experience is limited.

 

Bullshit.

 

 

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-how-and-why-sex-differences/201104/why-dont-women-ask-men-out-first-dates

[GeoDUDE!]

Because it's a sexist assumption that is not even necessarily true? Plenty of people regardless of gender hang around waiting for the other person to make a move. Lots of women make the first move at least some of the time. If it's your experience that they never do, then it sounds like your personal experience is limited.

 

 

To be fair mases, I've only been asked out twice (both times I said yes). The vast majority of the time I have had to make the first move, and I think this is the experience of most males who date. I agree that both genders wait around, but victory dance's point is something that anyone, regardless of gender should learn: If you like them tell them. But it would be untruthful to say that men aren't more likely to make the first move, or that society doesn't expect them to.

[themmases]

Oh wow, an unsourced graph? Guess I'd better slink away, I'm beat!

[GeoDUDE!]

Oh wow, an unsourced graph? Guess I'd better slink away, I'm beat!

 

I don't think this is the proper way of having a civil discussion, and I'm not a moderator, but sarcastic comments in a discussion aren't very productive. I know Victorydance hasn't used appropriate language either, which is why I think many are put off by his argument, but when posting on the internet your response doesn't have to be immediate! You have time to think. 

 

Second, like I stated before, if you really believe that men are less likely to ask women out than women are likely to ask men out or these to ratios are equal, then I think there is some ignorance to vast societal norms. This isn't true in all cultures, from what I've heard, women in Asia have become more forward especially in countries where there is a decreasing female population and increasing male! But all our books, fables, stories, movies and whatever tell us that it's man's role to initiate and while you can't blame them for falling through this norm (the woman not asking the dude out) you have to admit that victorydance is probably right: the biggest factor for her not dating him right now is she never asked him out. Sure, she could have waited and he might have asked her out (he didn't) but she had no real control over that. This is a common sense argument in my opinion.

[maddiewilson]

My sister, who is now 22, started dating her boyfriend (then 27, now 29) when she was 20. Sometimes it works just fine with that age range, so I wouldn't discount the possibility of a relationship between the OP and this guy purely based on that. 

 

OP, I'm curious as to exactly how long it's been since he contacted you, and how often you'd been FB chatting before. If you were chatting pretty erratically before, could it be that he just hasn't gotten back to you because he doesn't think it's important to respond quickly, or did he usually answer every message from you within 24 hours? 

 

In any case, if you didn't get the vibe that he was ever flirting with you (in person or over chat) and you've been in contact for more than a month, then he may have just been being friendly.

 

It's been 2 months since we last talked, and we would message back and fourth once a day. I feel kind of awkward/embarrassed about seeing him cause he left me hanging and I probably seemed desperate

[maddiewilson]

My sister, who is now 22, started dating her boyfriend (then 27, now 29) when she was 20. Sometimes it works just fine with that age range, so I wouldn't discount the possibility of a relationship between the OP and this guy purely based on that. 

 

OP, I'm curious as to exactly how long it's been since he contacted you, and how often you'd been FB chatting before. If you were chatting pretty erratically before, could it be that he just hasn't gotten back to you because he doesn't think it's important to respond quickly, or did he usually answer every message from you within 24 hours? 

 

In any case, if you didn't get the vibe that he was ever flirting with you (in person or over chat) and you've been in contact for more than a month, then he may have just been being friendly.

Oh and I did get a really strong vibe of him flirting when we would talk in person

[victorydance]

I don't think this is the proper way of having a civil discussion, and I'm not a moderator, but sarcastic comments in a discussion aren't very productive. I know Victorydance hasn't used appropriate language either, which is why I think many are put off by his argument, but when posting on the internet your response doesn't have to be immediate! You have time to think.

 

I would be more civil if I wasn't getting berated and getting called 'sexist' 'condescending' and 'paternalistic' for stating a very obvious and true statement. 

 

And BTW, to themasses, if you had bothered to go to the link I provided you would have seen where it came from. 

Edited September 15, 2014 by victorydance

[ERR_Alpha]

So, in summary minus offensive comments and generalizations: tread carefully. I firmly believe every relationship and different and depends on the maturity level of those involved. If you're interested knowing the risks, go for it. Just make sure you've thought it through.

Best of luck!

[dr. t]

I would be more civil if I wasn't getting berated and getting called 'sexist' 'condescending' and 'paternalistic' for stating a very obvious and true statement. 

 

It might surprise you to know that what you have posited here as a binary is, in point of fact, not.

[wildlifer]

It's been 2 months since we last talked, and we would message back and fourth once a day. I feel kind of awkward/embarrassed about seeing him cause he left me hanging and I probably seemed desperate

 

He's either quite busy and hasn't had the time to talk or he's just not interested? The only way you'll know, as many people have stated in this post, is just ask him point blank. I know that's awkward and the idea of being rejected by someone you like sucks, but you have to try so you can clear your head. If he still won't respond after asking him, then just move on. 

[victorydance]

It might surprise you to know that what you have posited here as a binary is, in point of fact, not.

 

" Girls typically never ask out guys."

 

Nope, no binary.

 

You guys are hilarious. I am so done with this thread. You guys are quick to accusations and exclamations that things are wrong, yet bring no evidence to the table whatsoever or don't even reply to my rebuttals. Hell, I even brought some quantitative and objective evidence conducted by a psychology professor and this was ignored. You would think a forum predominated by grad students would be a little more transparent; guess not. 

Edited September 16, 2014 by victorydance

[dr. t]

some stuff

 

I was pointing out that you can easily be sexist, paternalistic, and condescending while making factually true statements, things your previous post implied were mutually exclusive. In fact, it's precisely what happened.

 

What you originally said was this:

This is a typical girl approach to dating, and a good example of why it is foolish to always play the "let him ask me" card. 

 

If being sexist, paternalistic, and condescending is not your intent, next time I would say something along these lines:

 

"Hey, I know you've been taught that women are supposed to play hard to get and wait for men to ask them out or show interest in them, but this is a terrible way to go about doing things. You'll find life is significantly easier and contains a lot less drama if you think of the person you're interested in as a human rather than in terms of the supposed role they're supposed to play in an artificial drama."

 

Tangentially, I would note that using "girl" to refer to adult women is generally considered to be dismissive and condescending.

 

Or continue being outraged. Whatever you want.

Edited September 16, 2014 by telkanuru

[maelia8]

It's been 2 months since we last talked, and we would message back and fourth once a day. I feel kind of awkward/embarrassed about seeing him cause he left me hanging and I probably seemed desperate

 

Oh and I did get a really strong vibe of him flirting when we would talk in person

 

Hmm, based on that time frame, it sounds to me as though he has probably abandoned the dating option (for reasons unknown, and I don't want to speculate). I understand why it might be awkward to see him after two months of no contact - is there any chance that you could switch the time you work out (if it makes you uncomfortable to see him)? In any case, I'd say it's probably time to move on and look for other prospects if dating is what you'd like.

[nugget]

Oh and I did get a really strong vibe of him flirting when we would talk in person

 Flirting means nothing if you don't know how he acts with other women. Some men flirt a lot with all sorts of women on a weekly basis. If you didn't really get the chance to see how he behaves with other people, then it's really hard to know if he was treating you any differently from other women he knows.

 

It's entirely your choice if you want to try asking him out, as others have suggested here. However I can say that if I were in this same situation I would move on. Find someone else who is genuinely interested in you, who will make you a priority and treat you right.

Edited September 17, 2014 by jenste

[Taeyers]

One possibility that comes to mind is that he's already in a relationship, and thought that he had built a casual flirty rapport with you that wasn't going to go further. It's not really something that would be widely considered appropriate, but it also seems that casual meaningless flirting can be pretty common for people in relationships, and most people wouldn't come straight out and call it cheating. He might have been enjoying the flattering interactions until you tried to make it less casual, and then he realized that he better reel it in or he might be looking at real trouble. Anyway, it's nothing you should seriously worry about. A part of growing up is realizing how little things like this should affect your self image. 

 

For the record, as a 19-21 year old I had two relationships with men who had 9-10 years on me. I was mature for my age, and they were immature for theirs, so we met in the middle. Of all the things in this world that people do that are outright wrong and malicious, it's a sad comment on someone's character if this is what they're going to clutch their pearls about. 

Edited September 20, 2014 by Taeyers

[LittleDarlings]

Sorry I guess at 18 and 19 I wasn't interested in dating old men... How awful of me :/

[Realities]

Late 20s is old? That's news to me.

 

Seriously though, everyone is different.  Your way of doing things is not necessarily the right way for everyone.

[LittleDarlings]

Late 20s is old to date a teenager yes.

And she is entitled to do whatever she wants but the fact of the matter is he isn't even talking to her anymore... That says something right there.

[ashiepoo72]

I have personally dated guys who were 8-10 years older than me after having terrible relationships with guys closer to my age, including my child's father. As a young, single mom I found I could not relate to guys my age who were going out, partying and living off their parents when I was raising a kid by myself while working and putting myself through school. So you really can't judge someone based on age--it is just one of MANY factors that goes into choosing a mate. Maturity is much more significant when it comes to BOTH people in a relationship. I find that people who have life experience, have suffered or struggled or had responsibilities atypical for someone in their age group tend to feel removed from that age group. It's not like each new crop of 18-19 year olds is going to experience life in exactly the same way.

 

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and, yes, their own judgment. But having such a narrow view of what factors should be taken into account when forming relationships suggests a level of immaturity, or at the very least a very surface understanding of human interactions.

 

OP -- it sounds like this guy either had a brief flirtation with you and has moved on, or maybe he's just a flirty dude and you misread his messages in some way. I'm not saying give up, as I cannot accurately judge the situation from in front of a computer screen, but based on my personal experience I would move on. Or, at the very least, not close the door to other potential guys that come your way. At the end of the day, every little or big relationship is an experience for you--you enjoyed your flirtation with this guy, and that's awesome! Try to maintain a positive/healthy/open attitude toward dating and relationships and I am sure an awesome guy will be drawn to your mature and upbeat demeanor.

[LittleDarlings]

I really don't need a lecture on people, or relationships... I am saying that a guy who is in his late 20s choosing to date a teenager is sketchy.. that is that.  i will not be changing my opinion so thank you for trying but no thank you. If older guys chose to date you because you are a young single mom and they can relate to that then more power to them but at 18 and 19 she should maybe be dating 23 at the oldest.  I am not even saying that people can't date older, I am saying the a grown man dating a TEENAGER is wrong, weird and bad.  I am 23 I have gone out with guys in their 30s but guess what.. I'm 23 not 18. 

Edited September 21, 2014 by LittleDarlings

[Eigen]

So you're stating absolute facts about people you don't know based on your vast years of experience (23) and aren't open to, you know, discussing things on a discussion board?

Then why are you posting in a thread you have no interest in discussing?

Seems like you just want to judge people based on your limited world view, and then defend it to the end without listening to anything anyone else has to say.

Also, based on your posts, you do seem to need a lecture on relationships. Especially since you seem to want to "lecture" other people on their relationships. Turnabout is fair play, no?

[LittleDarlings]

So you're stating absolute facts about people you don't know based on your vast years of experience (23) and aren't open to, you know, discussing things on a discussion board?

Then why are you posting in a thread you have no interest in discussing?

Seems like you just want to judge people based on your limited world view, and then defend it to the end without listening to anything anyone else has to say.

Also, based on your posts, you do seem to need a lecture on relationships. Especially since you seem to want to "lecture" other people on their relationships. Turnabout is fair play, no?

Whatever.  I am not even going to argue this anymore. It is dumb.  He obviously doesn't want her, he hasn't talked to her in months, why is this even a discussion still? My opinion is unchanged. I think a man in his late 20s who would date a teen has some issues, it isn't even that he has issues I guess, I mean who wouldn't want "a newer model" but I just don't think it can last long term.  I doubt a 29 year old man is going to marry his 19 year old girlfriend, I mean really.  I don't even think I said that you CANNOT EVER date older, I am just saying don't be a teenager dating that much older.  I obviously have no problem with being an adult and dating someone older. I'm 23 I want marriage and kids ASAP and a 23 year old isn't into that.  I don't mind dating 30 and up but like I said I am 23 dating older not a teenager. That is my opinion, you don't have to agree but it isn't changing.  

Edited September 21, 2014 by LittleDarlings

[Vene]

Also, based on your posts, you do seem to need a lecture on relationships. Especially since you seem to want to "lecture" other people on their relationships. Turnabout is fair play, no?

Isn't this the truth, I don't take anything she says about relationships seriously. I admit to being skeptical of how well such a relationship can work out due to the age difference, but for all I know she is exceptionally mature for her age and he is immature for his age so they may well be close to the same emotional age. And this is very much possible, I know people who have developed slowly emotionally/socially but have high intellect.

[dr. t]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[bsharpe269]

I really don't need a lecture on people, or relationships... I am saying that a guy who is in his late 20s choosing to date a teenager is sketchy.. that is that.  i will not be changing my opinion so thank you for trying but no thank you. If older guys chose to date you because you are a young single mom and they can relate to that then more power to them but at 18 and 19 she should maybe be dating 23 at the oldest.  I am not even saying that people can't date older, I am saying the a grown man dating a TEENAGER is wrong, weird and bad.  I am 23 I have gone out with guys in their 30s but guess what.. I'm 23 not 18. 

 

So your hangup seems to be completely in that she is 19 instead of 20? You keep saying that a 20something year old dating a teenager is horrible but once youre in youre 20s, its completely ok to date 30+ year old men. What is so special about turning 20 that completely matures someone?