Bragging about grades

[anabeldm9]

Hello fellow students. I have a somewhat petty issue bothering me lately and could use your collective wisdom.

 

I have found myself getting really, really annoyed by a classmate who constantly boasts about how long their exam essays and papers are (this person always writes way over the page requirements) and then their good grades on said assignments. They do all this on Facebook. 

 

I am so irritated by this behavior that it's affecting how I feel about this person in real life. Our approaches to social media are fundamentally different. I perceive this grade-bragging behavior as supremely tacky. I get the same high grades as this person, but would never think of sharing it with the world. Or with classmates who may not have done as well.

 

I know I am being petty. I know this. What I would like to hear from people is a new way to frame this in order to move on and cultivate a better relationship with my colleague. At some point, we will probably work together. At the very least I value good relationships with the people in my program.

 

How would you reframe this for yourselves? How have you dealt with irritating fellow students? 

 

Thanks for your input. I always find support here when I am rolling something around in my head for too long. 

[1Q84]

A lot of people will tell you to "unfollow" that colleague on FB so that you're still friends but you won't see any of their updates. That never works for me, because I'm not one of those "out of sight, out of mind" folks. 

 

Either way, you can flip the script by thinking of this colleague as insecure in some way and thus boasts to impress a specific person (maybe family or friends who look down on his or her decision to pursue a Ph.D.?). It might help you empathize with your colleague more in some way. Of course, if that's not the case with your colleague's life, I'm not suggesting you should fabricate a story to make you feel better.... but I think often such unmitigated braggadocio behavior is due to that kind of insecurity. 

[anabeldm9]

Thank you. I am the same way with the unfollowing- it doesn't help much. 

 

Maybe one way to do what you suggest is to get to know them better and then it may be clear as to why they do this. 

 

Thanks for your response 1Q84.

[Cheshire_Cat]

I generally see someone who brags about their grades on Facebook as insecure about their intelligence, or just not as smart as me and genuinely surprised that they are doing so well. (Why no, I don't have a problem with pride- I'd say I'm pretty good at it actually)

 

If someone isn't putting other people down for being less intelligent than them, then it really doesn't matter to me if someone toots their own horn all that much.  I get a laugh from it, for sure, but them making good grades does not diminish my intelligence.  I just don't have to tell everyone I'm smart.  (IRL and on FB I try to follow the proverb that says "Let someone else praise you and not your own lips")

But I usually also try to follow that old proverb that says "Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn."  I don't want to be the person who says "Quick! Hide your accomplishments! You may make everyone else feel bad!"  If someone is happy, I want to be happy with them, and if they are sad, then I want to empathize.  OTOH, constant complaining and constant bragging both get annoying, so if they are doing it too much, then that can be a problem.

[TakeruK]

Like 1Q84, the way I try to reframe these types of behaviours is that I try to remember that I don't really know the full story. For example, maybe they really struggled with coursework before college and they are now very proud of what they are able to accomplish. Maybe some relatives on FB really want to hear this information. Another way to think about this is that perhaps you are not the intended audience of the post. In fact, I rarely write things on Facebook that I intend for people I see all the time in real life--they're meant for friends and family that live far away. 

 

Personally, I also don't think it's really necessary to call it "insecurity" on the other person's part to make myself feel better. Maybe they do want to impress someone else and that's not really my concern. I also don't really feel like I need to "get to know the person better so I can understand why they do this". If someone irritates me, I simply limit my interactions with them to only professional ones.

 

tl;dr: The way I deal with annoying behaviour is to remember to not take it personally; I am not the protagonist of a story where everything happens because of me. 

[St Andrews Lynx]

I think that the main problem is that you're allowing yourself to get annoyed by it. I guess I would question why it is so specifically annoying (are you perhaps a little envious of the online attention they are getting from those posts? is there something else in your grad school life that is giving you stress, and you're offloading your annoyance/frustration onto something/body else?).

 

Instead of being annoyed, try to think positive thoughts about this person. They're working hard at their coursework, and they're getting good grades for it. Good for them. 

[Page228]

Yes, this behavior is tacky. You will probably have to work with many tacky people over the course of your career. Some of them will also be genuinely good people who had the misfortune not to be educated in the ways of shutting up. Unless you perceive this person as malicious, there's no cause to let some Facebook posts affect your working relationship.

If you keep an open mind, you might find that this person has many fine qualities. (...Maybe even the ability to overlook minor character flaws.) And if you don't find any fine qualities lurking, well, it happens. Focus on the cool people.

[anabeldm9]

Thank you all so much for your responses! So helpful and exactly what I needed to hear. And it just occurred to me- here I am getting my own validation from social media.

 

I love the proverb, Cheshire_Cat. I think it's probably a combination of this person has a specific audience in mind when they post, they are perhaps justifying their decision to be in grad school, and I just need to focus on my own stuff. 

 

Will work on this. Thanks everyone!

[Karoku_valentine]

Just state one bitchy comment regarding people who boasts about their grades and say that is tacky. Make sure the person you dislike sees the comment; otherwise it won't make a difference.

 

In sum, when you dislike something and you can't ignore it you have two options: 1) Confronting the person, 2) Say indirect things in order to make the person stop. It might sound slightly immature, but 2 is the best approach to avoid awkwardness.

[_kita]

You always have the option to try and 'connect' with that classmate on a social media such as LinkedIn, and just get rid of all professional/classmate contact on your facebook. That will at least separate out that frustration, and you can tell the classmate that you just wanted to separate your platforms going into your "professional life." It's a common enough occurrence. 

 

You can also discuss the matter with your classmate in person, and your concern that their use of FB might affect them professionally in the future. But, depending on the insecurities/etc of the classmate, that may only hurt the situation instead. 

[TakeruK]

You always have the option to try and 'connect' with that classmate on a social media such as LinkedIn, and just get rid of all professional/classmate contact on your facebook. That will at least separate out that frustration, and you can tell the classmate that you just wanted to separate your platforms going into your "professional life." It's a common enough occurrence. 

 

You can also discuss the matter with your classmate in person, and your concern that their use of FB might affect them professionally in the future. But, depending on the insecurities/etc of the classmate, that may only hurt the situation instead. 

 

I know many people who do something similar to the first suggestion and have two Facebook accounts, one for friends/family and one for professional contacts. 

 

But I don't know if I'd recommend the second suggestion. As psychkita warns, it could make the situation worse, because from my point of view, what I do on FB and how it might affect me professionally in the future is none of their business. It's a pet peeve of mine when people try to get me to do what they want under the guise of offering "advice" or otherwise judging my personal choices. However, it really depends--if a good friend offer this advice, I'd see it as a true desire to help but if it was only a classmate/acquaintance then I probably won't receive it well.

 

(Not trying to say that there is only one way to do (or not do) things but just providing another perspective on this suggestion)

[SuzyH]

You could change FB settings to reduce or remove this person's posts from your feed.