Should I tell him how I feel?

[maddiewilson]

I've been friends with this guy I met at college for about a year now. He's a graduate student, 29, and I'm a 19 year old undergrad. He's incredibly caring and kind. We see each other at the gym several days a week, which was where we met. About a month ago, we made plans to hang out, and ended up hooking up, just making out, touching, etc. He continued to text me and talk to me after this, but did not make plans to see me again. 

 

So I decided to take the initiative, and asked if he wanted to hang out again. He said yes, and we ended up having sex. That was my first time, and he was aware of it. After it happened, he would text me and ask how I'm doing and stuff but still would not try to see me again, except for at the gym. 

 

So a week later I asked if he wanted to have dinner, and that I would bring a type of food that he really likes. I wanted to do this because both times we hooked up, I would sleep over and he would make me breakfast, so I wanted to return the favor. On the night we were supposed to have dinner, I texted him asking what time, and he replied with, "Thanks so much for thinking of me and the food, you can drop by my place to drop it off, but I won't be able to hang out because I'm really busy with writing" That really shocked and hurt me, because I felt so unimportant to him. I get he's busy, but asking me to bring him food without him wanting to spend time with me was so hurtful. What should I do? Should I ask him how he feels about me?

[themissingsock]

I've never seen a post like this before on grad cafe. It seems like a post you'd find on a more romantic type of forum. Regardless, I'll reply with my opinion anyway. It seems like he is being honest that he is busy and is willing to take you up on the offer of food but still can not hangout with you. Honestly, he should've just canceled plans all together, and you may have been more understanding. 

 

Just from reading the paragraphs of your new "relationship," it may sound like you want something more from this relationship, and you should be explicit. Do you want to continue just hooking up and being friends with benefits? Do you want to be his girlfriend? I think it would be best for you and him if you could determine what both of you want from this relationship. I find that being open with what needs you want to be met with someone is key. If you want to feel important to him and feel like he is your boyfriend, then I would definitely express that desire to him. 

 

Hope this helps. 

[MastersHoping]

You can go ahead and tell him how you feel, but from the sounds of it, don't get your hopes too high. 

 

It sounds to me like he's not interested in pursuing a commitment with you, and unfortunately he might have only been interested in having sex (which, if true, is a big douchebag move on his part). As a 29 year old, he might be taking advantage of the naivete of a 19 year old undergrad - not cool.

 

Also, the 10 year age gap is fairly large, and you are at very different points in your lives - you are still in your early years of undergrad, he's probably near the final years of graduate school. He'll be looking for a job or postdoc soon at who knows where while you're still taking finals.

 

Finally, what indicates to me that he's not interested is when he agreed to get dinner with you and then rather than cancelling, just told you to drop the food off at his place. This is quite rude. I am a graduate student too (although I'm a younger one so if I were to date an undergrad it wouldn't be too far fetched in terms of age difference), and no matter how busy I got, this is not the way I would treat someone, especially a girl I'm interested in. No matter how busy I was, I would've done my best to keep my appointment with you, or at the very least contacted you to say something like "Hey I'm sorry, but I'm swamped with work tonight and won't be able to make our dinner. Maybe we could reschedule?" or something like that. 

 

In my view, it seems, from what you said, that for your best interests this is not a guy you should be pursuing further. Of course, you understand the situation better than I do so follow your gut instinct and I wish you the best. 

Edited May 20, 2015 by MastersHoping

[BiochemMom]

I too believe he's not interested in anything more. My husband and I are 30 and 31 and the (hypothetical if we were single) idea of coupling up with someone a decade younger than us is not one we'd take seriously. While a ten year age gap is doable (my own parents were 22 years apart and married 36 years before my dad passed) it's amazing how much growing you do between 18 and 25. No matter how mature you are for your age (and I graduated at 17, lived alone, raised my nephew for three years from age 18-21 and then joined the Air Force at 21 so I "grew up quickly" in that time) it's really not the same as someone who has already lived the life experiences you currently are gaining.

I'm sorry your first time was with someone who so callously disregarded you after. My advice is just to put him behind you or you're going to get your heart broken.

Edited May 20, 2015 by BiochemMom

[psycgrad37]

While I have no idea why this is found on this forum, I can't help but reply. Honestly, I don't think that the fact that he's not that interested in you makes him a douchebag. I think his reply is pretty honest. No, it's not what you want to hear but he's being thankful and honest that he can't hang out. I'm not sure what other type of reply you'd expect. He can't be too honest or it comes off as rude and he can't be too nice and tell you he can hang out because that would lead you on. From everything you said, he doesn't sound rude at all. He just sounds like he's not trying to string you along or hurt your feelings. 

 

It just sounds like you're both on different levels of interest for each other and what you are looking for. I wouldn't take that too personally. I think it's pretty obvious he's not interested in what you are looking to pursue, which seems like it's a more monogamous relationship, so just cut your losses and move on. 

[dr. t]

[psycgrad37]

So people have already given their advice and you chose to ignore it and now are in a worse situation..

[St Andrews Lynx]

I think that if he was interested in a relationship with you, he'd have shown more initiative in trying to meet up with you. It sounds like he's just interested in casual sex. Even Friends With Benefits or regular casual hookups deserve to treat the other individual with respect, rather than blatant disregard. 

 

Maybe next time you can drop him off some more food...spiked with laxatives or violently-spicy jalapeños. 

[ginagirl]

thought this sounded familiar..

[Crafter]

This topic should be in "the Lobby", not here.

 

Anyways, for what I read here are my conclusions (not that you seem to care for all the advise you've got here, though):

 

1- This has been going on for about a YEAR. Things have not changed a bit since your first post last year. What makes you think things will change now?

2- You seem to be in love with this guy, therefore, you are over-analyzing his every move, his every word. People can be nice, can spend a lot of time with you and have fun, can share the same interests of yours, some even go as far as having sex with you and that does NOT mean a thing, romantically speaking.

3- You seem to be entertaining thoughts of hope for this "relationship". However, he has been really honest and clear to you, as far as the story you presented here, he has no interest in more than what he is getting from you now.

4- Not sharing the same romantic interest with you doesn't make him a douche-bag. Asking you to drop off food for him and go away when you had a date does.

5- It sucks that your first sexual experience is like this, but don't worry, you are not alone, most first sexual encounters are rather clumsy, painful and/or boring. And, without any scientific data, I dare to assume that most of those "first ones" are not even that relevant later on in your life. Chronological "first" is not what matters, it is that first time when you go to bed (or table or floor or couch or backseat) with someone who cares about you and loves you and you love. Once you got that (and you will, for sure) you will not think about that other "first".

 

My advice would be:

a- move on (the advice you've been getting from anyone, which is the healthiest one).

b- keep things the way they are now (because I don't think they will go any further) and be realistic about what to expect from the said guy. Be honest to him and to yourself, that will keep you from a broken heart.

Edited May 21, 2015 by Crafter

[MastersHoping]

 I don't think that the fact that he's not that interested in you makes him a douchebag. 

 

Not being interested in her doesn't make him a douchebag. Using her for casual sex and taking advantage of the naivete of a 19 year old undergrad does. If that's what he's doing, then yes I'd say it's a pretty dick move of him. 

[MastersHoping]

 

4- Not sharing the same romantic interest with you doesn't make him a douche-bag. Asking you to drop off food for him and go away when you had a date does.

 

 

I agree with both sentiments of your post. I would also like to point out that in my original post, I said that if he was taking advantage of her or just using her for sex, that definitely would make him  a d-bag. Had to point that out since my first post seems to be where people are getting this word from. 

[psycgrad37]

I don't know that he is taking advantage of her. She seems to be the one pursuing him over and over again. He has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want a relationship (by not pursuing it further and not saying anything that would get her hopes up), and she chose to continue the relationship as it was. He probably thought she also wanted a casual fling. I don't think engaging in consensual casual relationships with people means anyone was taken advantage of. 

 

Now, if that would've been me in that situation, I would've cut it off the second I thought the other person didn't share the same interest in me. That doesn't make either of us rude or douchebags. 

 

The whole "put laxatives in his food", now that's extremely rude, dont' you think? That's terrible advice. OP what you should really do is move on, don't seek "revenge" over a situation that happens all the time which is that one had more interest than the other and it just didn't work out. 

[St Andrews Lynx]

 

The whole "put laxatives in his food", now that's extremely rude, dont' you think? That's terrible advice. OP what you should really do is move on, don't seek "revenge" over a situation that happens all the time which is that one had more interest than the other and it just didn't work out. 

I was being tongue-in-cheek.

In case that wasn't clear.

[Between Fields]

I was being tongue-in-cheek.

In case that wasn't clear.

 

It's likely that would be an assault and/or battery charge for her, if she tried it and were caught...

[jujubea]

I'm so glad I'm not 19 anymore.

It is so hard to understand how you over-analyze and overthink and have extremely hazy views about the behaviors of those whom you "love."

This isn't love.

He isn't interested in you.

And this specific action sounds narcissistic and rude (Or could indicate that).

You do not (and no one does) deserve to be treated disrespectfully.

You will empower yourself and feel stronger and more desirable (and will be) if you just cut off all communication with him and "walk away."

Also, consider this a huge huge HUGE bump of the post with the advice about "chronological first" vs. "real-love first."

Your "real" first in this sense will be so much better, and you'll both laugh and cry about your chrono first. Hopefully with a loving, caring, and committed partner at your side.

When I was a bit younger than you, I had a similar "relationship" with a guy, who I was basically in love with, and I found out he had a bet going with his friends about whether he could de-virginize me.

Fortunately I found out before it ever got there.

While you're this young, stay away from age gaps of more than a few years. Those who are jerks are also more clever with age. It's a dangerous game and not worth it, especially when you're an emotionally-attuned person.

[MastersHoping]

I don't know that he is taking advantage of her. She seems to be the one pursuing him over and over again. He has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want a relationship (by not pursuing it further and not saying anything that would get her hopes up), and she chose to continue the relationship as it was. He probably thought she also wanted a casual fling. I don't think engaging in consensual casual relationships with people means anyone was taken advantage of. 

 

 

But he's also a 29 year who I am willing to bet has had dating experience before, at least more than the OP has. The OP has made it very clear that she's interested in him and he is probably well aware of this fact. Since he isn't interested in her any further, it is very possible that he is exploiting her feelings for him to satisfy his desires for carnal pleasure. I don't know this for certain, obviously. But that's how it seems to me.

Regardless, whether he's just using her for sex or not doesn't really matter. What matters is that he's obviously not interested and that the OP shouldn't waste her time with him. 

[_kita]

Trying to guess why he's behaving the way he's behaving is fruitless. If he wants to spend time with you, he will make it apparent that he wants to spend time with you. If he doesn't, then he doesn't. I've heard it said that people are attracted to two types: 1) those they're interested in 2) those that are interested in them. 

 

The second option makes it easier for them to get their needs met without the frustration of anything else. So they're the backup, casual, whatever you want to call it. Sometimes they're doing it intentionally, sometimes not.  

If you're not sure where you stand, clarify it. If after talking, nothing is resolved, don't expect it to be.  You may feel that his actions and words are not consistent, stop trying to hope they'll become so. You can only control your own actions, not his. It's better to have someone who you don't have to play games with, who lets you know where you stand. That stability is golden. 

And currently in graduate school, you don't need the added stress of relationship instability.