Older Grad Hopefuls Moving Families?

[minnares]

Hi All ~

I'm new here. I'm just wondering if any of you are older grad students (35+) intending to move your family to the city of selection? My family and I are prepping to move if I get into a program. So I was just hoping to maybe find someone (or several someones) coping with the many issues related to making this kind of major life change. Thanks.

~ m

[Abigail]

We relocated from North Carolina for my husband to start as a non-degree seeking student (in an attempt to increase his changes, but also at the suggestion of his desired advisor). So we've made the major life change (with two 3 year olds) before knowing anything official. This has added to his stress - the idea of moving his family without a guarantee.

fingers crossed here... unfortunately, historically speaking his potential program doesn't send out decisions until early March.

[minnares]

Do you have twins? I have twins who are 13! And we might be moving TO North Carolina because I applied to Chapel Hill. What programs has he applied to? Are you also going through this process?

~ m

[Abigail]

Do you have twins? I have twins who are 13! And we might be moving TO North Carolina because I applied to Chapel Hill. What programs has he applied to? Are you also going through this process?

~ m

Yes, we have twins - they're 3 1/2 (boy/girl) ... so since yours are 13 it's survivable. :-) My husband is an archaeologist. Actually, I'm only in my first semester of my UG degree in Psychology. I am very much a late return to school, but I'm loving it. Once I graduate I'll start my own application process, both kids should be in school and he should be ABD. I plan on applying to MSU's psychology department then.

Have been to Chapel Hill a few times and my husband's best friend has been working on his Ph.D at Cornell (history).

I wish you luck!

Edited February 10, 2010 by Abigail

[nessadub]

37 year old with husband and 2 year old. I have applied at UNC as well as schools on the west coast. We live in Northern California right now and I haven't been accepted any where yet. I am so nervous, I had a mini meltdown at work today. ugh.

My husband is totally excited to move to a university town and so am I.

[minnares]

Yes, we have twins - they're 3 1/2 (boy/girl) ... so since yours are 13 it's survivable. :-) My husband is an archaeologist. Actually, I'm only in my first semester of my UG degree in Psychology. I am very much a late return to school, but I'm loving it. Once I graduate I'll start my own application process, both kids should be in school and he should be ABD. I plan on applying to MSU's psychology department then.

It's absolutely survivable We also have an older son who is about to graduate high school. He's going to start a junior college program where ever we move. I applied for the JC here for him, as well. He thinks he wants to go into nursing. He's got some learning disabilities, so it's probably better that he transition to this more slowly. I'm so excited for you starting your Psych degree. My husband finished his BA in Finance and then I did my BA in English. We married very young, so we're playing catch up now in terms of our goals, which is fine. We certainly appreciate every positive element of the process. I know being older and waiting so long for this has given me a fresh appreciation even for the hard parts. This is what I wanted to do when I was 6 years old - write and teach English. I never stopped wanting to teach college English.

@nessadub: Boy, do I understand the meltdowns. I just try to redirect my energy into something like working on getting the house ready to sell.

Will both of your husbands have to quit their current jobs to move? Or Abigail are you already moved or in process? Nessadub, what programs did you apply for at UNC? I spoke with the DGS there in October and had a nice conversation about older students returning to school. I sensed a sympathetic spirit there

Edited February 10, 2010 by minnares

[UnlikelyGrad]

I'm new here. I'm just wondering if any of you are older grad students (35+) intending to move your family to the city of selection? My family and I are prepping to move if I get into a program. So I was just hoping to maybe find someone (or several someones) coping with the many issues related to making this kind of major life change. Thanks.

Not sure I'm the right person to be talking to, but here goes...I started thinking about grad school at age 36; married with four kids. I applied to programs across the country because my husband said he would happily move anywhere I wanted to (except New York City). "You have followed me wherever I moved for a job, now it's my turn to return the favor. Pick any school you want, it's your decision. No, honey, don't let my wishes influence your decision. Go to the school that you think is the best for your career." Sweet words. Just what I wanted to hear.

But given the four schools that admitted me, he had a clear favorite. He said as much both to me and the kids. He preferred the school even though it offered me inadequate funding. I turned that school down; my choice was a school 1000 mi from home.

So here I am in my second semester of grad school...living on my own...and my husband still hasn't moved here. He promises he will, but his expected move date is always about two months away. I fly back almost every weekend, which is expensive (our savings are going quickly) and exhausted (get home past midnight every Sunday and have early morning class on Monday). I miss my husband. I miss my kids, damn it. This house is too quiet, and too big for one person. (I rented a place big enough for all six of us.)

Now he's saying he will come out and visit me. Finally. Unfortunately, he's driving, not flying (the kids are coming too) so his plans can be fluid. At first he said, "It would be so romantic if I could get there by Valentine's Day." But the other day he said, "I have so much to do before I leave. We will just have to celebrate Valentine's Day late. But I will be there for your birthday (a few days later)." I don't know whether to believe him or not...

It sucks.

I guess my only suggestion would be to make sure everyone lays all their cards on the table. My husband sure didn't. I know I picked the right school for me, but was it the right school for my marriage?

[BlueandBuff]

Mocha,

I feel so bad for you after reading your story. I didn't realize that he intended to move out with you. If he needs help finding a job, please PM me - I have quite a few contacts in the metro area and would be glad to help him network before I (hopefully) leave.

I'm in my early thirties, and moving a family with me when I go. I have a son in kindergarten and a husband who is disabled - so fortunately, they're fairly mobile. I find myself researching elementary school districts as much as the university programs, though. I worry about pulling him out of a top-ranked charter where he's doing second grade math and putting him in an academically non-competitive district. It complicates things immensely. We're also selling or renting our house when we go. I know everyone is impatient waiting for results, but I think it's worse when you know that there's *so much* to do before you can leave.

[Abigail]

37 year old with husband and 2 year old. I have applied at UNC as well as schools on the west coast. We live in Northern California right now and I haven't been accepted any where yet. I am so nervous, I had a mini meltdown at work today. ugh.

My husband is totally excited to move to a university town and so am I.

We went the route of UNC last year - it wasn't the greatest fit, but there was someone he could work with. Please don't take this as a guaranteed negative response for any of you applying to UNC (especially since his department is anthropology) UNC was hit very hard economically. He was told by the department chair that traditionally the Anthro department takes 15 grad students a year (split up among the sub disciplines) He would have made the cut in 2009, but the cut their number of acceptances to 5 - only 1 in archaeology (his sub discipline). I'm hoping things have improved for the school - it's a nice area. On the flip side - that rejection is what sent us here. This program is an amazing fit and we love the neighborhood we found. He loves his department and has been told with his pre existing master's and involvement with the department he shouldn't have any problems. with that said the waiting has been torture...and we're still waiting.

For him it's the idea of having to pack us up and move again because something kept him from getting in. Logic and all signs point to an acceptance, but until you have the letter or email in hand, it's hard to trust the positive feelins. Ya know?

I wish ALL of you amazing luck and hold just a bit for ourselves. Go MSU! BTW - anyone know anything from them yet?

[crutch]

I'm 23 and my wife is 25. We have a two year old little boy and a four month old little girl. We will be making a move for sure this August for a PhD program in English (unless I get rejected across the board, of course).

We're both from Texas, and about a year and a half ago we made the move to Oxford, UK, where I got my Master's degree. My son was 6 months old at the time, and the move was somewhat stressful with him in tow. However, we survived.

This time around, we will be making a move within the States, so it should be much easier relocating. There is another child involved, however, so that might make things more difficult.

All in all, however, I think all of us with families will survive, regardless of how many times we feel like pulling our hair out or giving up.

[Abigail]

I'm 23 and my wife is 25. We have a two year old little boy and a four month old little girl. We will be making a move for sure this August for a PhD program in English (unless I get rejected across the board, of course).

We're both from Texas, and about a year and a half ago we made the move to Oxford, UK, where I got my Master's degree. My son was 6 months old at the time, and the move was somewhat stressful with him in tow. However, we survived.

This time around, we will be making a move within the States, so it should be much easier relocating. There is another child involved, however, so that might make things more difficult.

All in all, however, I think all of us with families will survive, regardless of how many times we feel like pulling our hair out or giving up.

Amazing... my husband was accepted at the University of Manchester to do research work on his Ph.D - we moved there with our twins (7 months at the time) in 2006 - we came back to the states the summer of 2008. Moving abroad with kids is an interesting adventure... we loved it in Manchester, but were glad to be back in the states.

family adds two things - stress and hope.

[nessadub]

It's really great to hear from other families. I'm 37 and my husband is 33. I am working full-time as a social worker and still don't know how I make it through each day sometimes. My husband stopped working in July and he is staying home with our daughter who is two years old. He is from India and has lived in Michigan, Ohio and California. I'm originally from Southern California. He and I are more than ready to move to a more multicultural place. We both want to pursue our doctoral degrees, but he has decided to wait and see where I am accepted first. I am applying to Masters in Social Work programs this application cycle. I'm auditing one undergrad Sociology class at my local university and it is really exciting and interesting. I'm pretty sure I'm the oldest one in class, including the professor

[crutch]

Amazing... my husband was accepted at the University of Manchester to do research work on his Ph.D - we moved there with our twins (7 months at the time) in 2006 - we came back to the states the summer of 2008. Moving abroad with kids is an interesting adventure... we loved it in Manchester, but were glad to be back in the states.

family adds two things - stress and hope.

Wow, I can't imagine moving abroad with twins - major props there! I think the hardest thing about the move was getting our son on a decent sleep schedule after every flight. He also had trouble learning to enjoy British foods...

It was also sort of difficult because we never encountered any other parents who were our age. It made it somewhat awkward at social events when we were the only ones in our early twenties having to chase around a toddler. There aren't a ton of young parents where we live now, but there are definitely more than there were in Oxford. Most of our great friends there were in their mid-thirties. Not that that is a bad thing, of course. We were just at a different place than a lot of the other 20-year-olds we met.

[khamylak]

I don't have kids but my husband and I are newlyweds so that is adding to the stress of the application process and then the horrid waiting process. He told me to apply wherever I wanted and there is not one place that is "close" to home. First place is a 4 hour drive (pretty close, but not considering we have never lived outside of CT). The rest of my schools are in the south and west. Plane rides away. We were just married this past October and had never lived together before because we worked in different ends of the state, but he insists that he will go wherever I go. And to think, we are just getting over the "who does the dishes compared to who cooked dinner" fights and now we have to deal with long distance moving! Oye!

Cheers to us movers... one drink for getting in, one for surviving a move with a family.

[minnares]

Wow. Here I thought I was all alone in this crazy dream. You guys just made me feel simultaneously so much better and almost wanting to cry. So this can be done. It can; it's just SO much added work. And I suppose that since we all want this so badly that makes it worth it. To those with smaller children, my hat is off to you (here you can even have my hat). I can't imagine doing this with little ones. Mine are 13 (twins) and almost 18, and that's terrifying enough.

@UnlikelyGrad: You are in EXACTLY the right place. This is why I started this thread. I suspected there were stories of this nature floating around these boards. I am so sorry to hear your move and transition have been a struggle. My husband made a similar offer because he feels like I can't give up my dream. We had a separation a few years back, and I just won't do that again. I won't. I would walk away from this dream before I would do it again. My kids need me, even as teenagers. This is not in any way to disparage your choice, but to empathize with your situation. It's one I've been wrestling with the possibility of having to make, as well. My heart goes out to you. I sincerely hope that you get your family all in one place with you and soon.

@khamylak: How about a whole 5th for moving with a family? LOL!

For the rest of you, how have you (or will you) juggle the move? Do any of you have a house to sell? What are your spouses doing in terms of their jobs and that transition?

~ m

Edited February 11, 2010 by minnares

[captiv8ed]

Yay!! My people!

I will be 39 in a couple of weeks. My husband is 42. We didn't make great choices when we were younger. So we are now in our cusp-of-40 years, both in school, with three kids 8-13. My hubby will have one more year of school and we are all excited about the move.

But, yes, I have definitely been researching school districts as well. And the family has put a lot of cities right out of the running due to expense or commute time. If I didn't have so many extras, I would have considered CA schools, but in our situation, it is too scary.

I applied to Princeton and was broken hearted when I got the rejection, but later I reminded myself that my hope had been to get rejected, since it would be such a tough place for my family to live, between the high cost of living, and the pressure cooker atmosphere of the high school.

[minnares]

Yep! I think we've found our tribe If nothing else, isn't is comforting to know you are not alone in this process, this dream, this nontraditional way of living life? Kind of wonderful, actually. There is never only one path.

~ m

[BlueandBuff]

Captiv8ed,

I think the limiting of options is something that makes us unique compared to the more traditional students. I had to let go of a lot of programs because they didn't offer stipends or didn't guarantee funding. I thought it would be heartbreaking to get in somewhere that I loved and not be able to afford it. I only have four applications out because there were places that we just couldn't go based on poor schools and/or high cost-of-living.

Is anyone else coming off a non-traditional bachelor's degree? I attended the best school I could under the circumstances, but because I was an adult student, and working full time, I missed out on a lot of research and publication opportunities. I also, G-d forbid, used CLEP to save some money. This haunts me, and will continue to do so until I (hopefully) receive an acceptance.

[minnares]

Is anyone else coming off a non-traditional bachelor's degree? I attended the best school I could under the circumstances, but because I was an adult student, and working full time, I missed out on a lot of research and publication opportunities. I also, G-d forbid, used CLEP to save some money. This haunts me, and will continue to do so until I (hopefully) receive an acceptance.

I am, BandB. I also worked full time and did my BA at night, at a Pac10 school, but still... I completed my first two years of course work in 9 months by attending two community colleges at the same time (in order to get around their credit limits), and then transferred in. So that worries me. I worry about having three transcripts. I worry about not having some of the classes I would have LOVED to take during the day if I'd been able. What's CLEP? I'd never heard of that. The upside was that I got a stellar, amazing woman for my faculty advisor who had earned her PhD in her 40s from UofO. She took me in hand and really did everything she could to find opportunities with me, like my one fellowship. But still, I know there were other things I missed by not being on campus. It is what it is. Que sera sera. The die is cast. Etc. and all of that cliched blather But there was something about being one of the only students heading onto campus in the dark every night as all the younger students headed out that kind of hurt. I realize that doing this later in life is the result of my choices, though, so I'm just rolling with it. I honestly don't know what more I could have done given my situation, and I'm trying to make peace with it.

~ m

[hogmommy]

I'm completing my BA as we speak and I definitely know the feeling of walking on to campus after dark after all the others have left. I'm a stay-at-home mom, so I have to take classes at night after my husband gets home in the evening. Fortunately, I had three years completed before I had kids. Took a break when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. Then, I took almost a full load while I was pregnant with my youngest (they're 18 months apart) because a grandparent had been injured and was out of work for nearly a year and willing to help out a few hours a week.

Fast forward five years... Graduate school for me has always been "the plan." My husband has a great job, good salary and we're settled. My youngest will be starting kindergarten in the fall so that means it's mommy-time! But what about those pesky 5 hours that stand between me and my BA? Thankfully we are still within relatively short commuting distance of the university I previously attended and both this semester and last, there was a grad level course in my department in the evening that appealed to me. So I'm finishing up this semester.

I have already been accepted to the one program (at my undergrad school) I was able to apply to. (YAY!) Although I was accepted into the combined MA/PhD program, they also offer a terminal Master's. I know that the idea exists that it is a bad thing to receive all of your degrees from one place. While I'm more than willing to stay put if necessary, my husband says he's willing to spend the next two years positioning himself for relocation to one of the three geographical areas where his current company also has offices: Charlotte, NC, Atlanta, GA, and Columbus, OH. There is a professor that would be a great fit at Ohio State and Columbus is the home of his company's home office, thus increasing the potential for a position for him there.

So we've figured out the next two years, at least. I'm sure that I'll be wishing this "tribe" was still around then when I am dealing with moving a family! Best of luck to all of you!

[pea-jay]

Some responses to others

I applied to programs across the country because my husband said he would happily move anywhere I wanted to (except New York City).

It's almost the reverse for me, my wife pretty much ONLY wanted to move to NYC, with few other alternative locations.

So here I am in my second semester of grad school...living on my own...and my husband still hasn't moved here.

I worry sometimes that might occur too, especially if she cant line up work

It's really great to hear from other families. I'm 37 and my husband is 33. I am working full-time as a social worker and still don't know how I make it through each day sometimes. My husband stopped working in July and he is staying home with our daughter who is two years old. He is from India and has lived in Michigan, Ohio and California. I'm originally from Southern California. He and I are more than ready to move to a more multicultural place. We both want to pursue our doctoral degrees, but he has decided to wait and see where I am accepted first.

Where abouts are you in northern california? My wife hates this area and general lack of diversity, made worse by the fact that she works in a real rural area, has to deal with jaw-dropping ignorance and stupidity on the job.

For the rest of you, how have you (or will you) juggle the move? Do any of you have a house to sell?

I'm a renter and thankfully not shackled to an "upside down" mortgage. I can leave with one months notice at anytime.

[Branwen daughter of Llyr]

I'm 37, and applying with a family of pets .

So although I don't have to worry about school districts and a husband's job - I do have to worry about:

Finding housing where 2 cats and a dog are allowed.

Making sure they have all the right paperwork for entry into the US (my cats are originally from NY, but they made Aliyah with me in 2002 hahahah, my dog is a native born Israeli)

Working out the logistics of feeding myself AND them on the stipend

Dealing with all the stupid questions from other people "Wouldn't you just rather leave them behind???" NO!! THEY ARE MY GUYS, AND THEY ARE BETTER THAN PROZAC!!!! (see what not having kids does to you... you end up being unable to imagine life without your pets). I'd rather deal with every single logistic nightmare involving moving them across the pond with me, than imagine for a second leaving them behind.

[pea-jay]

This is a good topic.

I'm 35 with a wife and two kids, ages 6&9. If all goes well, we will make one monstrous cross-country and cross-cultural move from the placid picturesque vineyards of Northern California to the ever busy and vibrant metropolis of New York City. Getting in and lining up funding of some sort is the first challenge for me. Ive vowed that I'd be able to support myself. That leaves my wife and kids. Challenge #2 is for her to line up a job, probably in teaching which is her profession. Normally that isnt too difficult, but this economy has put that idea in serious jeopardy. I almost think this is a bigger challenge than simply getting in. Challenge 3 is finding the optimal place to live for us and our kids and easing them into big city life. We've visited large cities and our kids are no strangers to public transportation, the noise and the sights but like every child, they like their little life theyve developed here. As for us, big city life is no big deal. I'm a former Chicagoan who's lived in other big cities, while my wife grew up in Mexico City. You dont get more urban than that.

Finally I'd like to note that my wife was the chief instigator in wanting to move (soon) and to where. Not that I am complaining or anything; I'd grown comfy, if not lazy in my job and generally content with the area, with only a vague plan to go back to school and/or move on professionally. I usually used the ephemeral "next year" plan before forgetting about it.

We'll see how it turns out.

[minnares]

@Branwen: I've got fur children too: a geriatric Beagle and a primadonna Seal Point Siamese We're going to the traveling circus. The idea of 3,000 miles in a car with my yowling Siamese does not appeal to me, but I love her. I'll be seeing about some happy pills to knock her out for certain.

@pea-jay: We might end doing the NY thing, too, which terrifies and exhilarates me at the same time. Have you ever lived there before?

~ m

[Branwen daughter of Llyr]

@Branwen: I've got fur children too: a geriatric Beagle and a primadonna Seal Point Siamese We're going to the traveling circus. The idea of 3,000 miles in a car with my yowling Siamese does not appeal to me, but I love her. I'll be seeing about some happy pills to knock her out for certain.

OMG - one of my cats is a seal point too! The other is a Burmese with a serious Garfield temperament. The Siamese isn't extremely vocal, though (thank god), although she is extremely spoiled. You think 3000 miles in a car is bad? Try 11 hours on a transatlantic flight with two cats crammed in one carry box, after their happy pills have worn off. I thought El-Al's ppl were NICE letting me take them in the cabin with me... my fellow passengers probably cursed me every single minute of the flight.

One thing for sure - on the flight BACK to the states - both they and the dog are going to the special pet area in cargo. They can scream their lungs out as much as they want there (while I obsess frantically that they're ok)