pears

i remember when i first applied, to grad school
thinkin' i'll be calm and fine, it's all cool
my app was processed for about a month
then you
said you 
needed time..
..what?
 
oooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
i checked GC again last night 
oooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
this time, i'm feeling like, i'm feeling like
 
we
are never, ever, ever
getting decision letters
weeeee
are never, ever, ever 
getting decision letters
we go talk to adcomms, talk to profs- won't talk to me
cause weeee 
are never, ever, ever
getting decision letters..

i remember when i first applied, to grad school
thinkin' i'll be calm and fine, it's all cool
my app was processed for about a month
then you
said you 
needed time..
..what?
 
oooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
i checked GC again last night 
oooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
this time, i'm feeling like, i'm feeling like
 
we
are never, ever, ever
getting decision letters
weeeee
are never, ever, ever 
getting decision letters
we go talk to adcomms, talk to profs- won't talk to me
cause weeee 
are never, ever, ever
getting decision letters..

i remember when i first applied, to grad school
thinkin' i'll be calm and fine, it's all cool
my app was processed for about a month
then you
said you 
needed time..
..what?
 
oooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
i checked GC again last night 
oooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
this time, i'm feeling like, i'm feeling like
 
we
are never, ever, ever
getting decision letters
weeeee
are never, ever, ever 
getting decision letters
we go talk to adcomms, talk to profs- won't talk to me
cause weeee 
are never, ever, ever
getting decision letters..

i remember when i first applied, to grad school
thinkin' i'll be calm and fine, it's all cool
my app was processed for about a month
then you
said you 
needed time..
..what?
 
oooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
i checked GC again last night 
oooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
this time, i'm feeling like, i'm feeling like
 
we
are never, ever, ever
getting decision letters
weeeee
are never, ever, ever 
getting decision letters
we go talk to adcomms, talk to profs- won't talk to me
cause weeee 
are never, ever, ever
getting decision letters..

break into a panicked sweat, immediately step down from my job, and hope that i saved up enough of my salary to become "chief beer officer" for all applicants instead. yknow, the person who hands you a nice cold one immediately after your decision is made, no matter what the outcome.
 
that's a thing, right?

i think being this much of a critical jerk will probably lock in that special seat the devil has waiting for me in hell, but i just saw this on the results board, and immediately thought "holy smokes, this is exactly the kind of part-hilarious, part-obnoxious awful sense of entitlement i was talking about on that one thread!"
 
"University of Delaware is so rude. They just sent me a curt reject letter, word-for-word. I have a very bad feeling about this school. Its ranking is not very high and definitely not a star school. But for reasons from nowhere, it is very inconsiderate and impolite. I got a much better offer from Yale, Rutgers, and Penn State. So, go to hell, Delaware."
 
geez. i facepalmed. being humble, like being patient, is a virtue, people! get over yourself!

i think being this much of a critical jerk will probably lock in that special seat the devil has waiting for me in hell, but i just saw this on the results board, and immediately thought "holy smokes, this is exactly the kind of part-hilarious, part-obnoxious awful sense of entitlement i was talking about on that one thread!"
 
"University of Delaware is so rude. They just sent me a curt reject letter, word-for-word. I have a very bad feeling about this school. Its ranking is not very high and definitely not a star school. But for reasons from nowhere, it is very inconsiderate and impolite. I got a much better offer from Yale, Rutgers, and Penn State. So, go to hell, Delaware."
 
geez. i facepalmed. being humble, like being patient, is a virtue, people! get over yourself!

i think being this much of a critical jerk will probably lock in that special seat the devil has waiting for me in hell, but i just saw this on the results board, and immediately thought "holy smokes, this is exactly the kind of part-hilarious, part-obnoxious awful sense of entitlement i was talking about on that one thread!"
 
"University of Delaware is so rude. They just sent me a curt reject letter, word-for-word. I have a very bad feeling about this school. Its ranking is not very high and definitely not a star school. But for reasons from nowhere, it is very inconsiderate and impolite. I got a much better offer from Yale, Rutgers, and Penn State. So, go to hell, Delaware."
 
geez. i facepalmed. being humble, like being patient, is a virtue, people! get over yourself!

break into a panicked sweat, immediately step down from my job, and hope that i saved up enough of my salary to become "chief beer officer" for all applicants instead. yknow, the person who hands you a nice cold one immediately after your decision is made, no matter what the outcome.
 
that's a thing, right?

i think being this much of a critical jerk will probably lock in that special seat the devil has waiting for me in hell, but i just saw this on the results board, and immediately thought "holy smokes, this is exactly the kind of part-hilarious, part-obnoxious awful sense of entitlement i was talking about on that one thread!"
 
"University of Delaware is so rude. They just sent me a curt reject letter, word-for-word. I have a very bad feeling about this school. Its ranking is not very high and definitely not a star school. But for reasons from nowhere, it is very inconsiderate and impolite. I got a much better offer from Yale, Rutgers, and Penn State. So, go to hell, Delaware."
 
geez. i facepalmed. being humble, like being patient, is a virtue, people! get over yourself!

break into a panicked sweat, immediately step down from my job, and hope that i saved up enough of my salary to become "chief beer officer" for all applicants instead. yknow, the person who hands you a nice cold one immediately after your decision is made, no matter what the outcome.
 
that's a thing, right?

i think being this much of a critical jerk will probably lock in that special seat the devil has waiting for me in hell, but i just saw this on the results board, and immediately thought "holy smokes, this is exactly the kind of part-hilarious, part-obnoxious awful sense of entitlement i was talking about on that one thread!"
 
"University of Delaware is so rude. They just sent me a curt reject letter, word-for-word. I have a very bad feeling about this school. Its ranking is not very high and definitely not a star school. But for reasons from nowhere, it is very inconsiderate and impolite. I got a much better offer from Yale, Rutgers, and Penn State. So, go to hell, Delaware."
 
geez. i facepalmed. being humble, like being patient, is a virtue, people! get over yourself!

break into a panicked sweat, immediately step down from my job, and hope that i saved up enough of my salary to become "chief beer officer" for all applicants instead. yknow, the person who hands you a nice cold one immediately after your decision is made, no matter what the outcome.
 
that's a thing, right?

baby carrots and super crispy fuji apples are the best stress snacks ever! nothing like furiously munching away at a crispy thing. also, chai. so much chai. plus almond milk and honey! and, of course, black coffee. 
 
comfort foods: crawdad quesadillas (super lazy food- finding crawdad tails is the hard part! after that it's just white corn tortillas, lots of shredded cheese, diced shallots, and spice rub), mmm. also, dip with avocado, herbed goat cheese, chives, roasted garlic, evoo, and s+p- spread that on some slightly stale baguette and you're good! also, for not-stale baguettes, i like putting brie on them, sticking them in the broiler, then topping them with raspberry jam. 
 
...aaaand now i'm starving. 

break into a panicked sweat, immediately step down from my job, and hope that i saved up enough of my salary to become "chief beer officer" for all applicants instead. yknow, the person who hands you a nice cold one immediately after your decision is made, no matter what the outcome.
 
that's a thing, right?

break into a panicked sweat, immediately step down from my job, and hope that i saved up enough of my salary to become "chief beer officer" for all applicants instead. yknow, the person who hands you a nice cold one immediately after your decision is made, no matter what the outcome.
 
that's a thing, right?

break into a panicked sweat, immediately step down from my job, and hope that i saved up enough of my salary to become "chief beer officer" for all applicants instead. yknow, the person who hands you a nice cold one immediately after your decision is made, no matter what the outcome.
 
that's a thing, right?

i honestly cant speak for everyone here 
but this is my story:
 
all through my post high school adult life, i have known im good at coursework
when other student dreaded exams and assignments and presentations, i loved it
the only thing i hated was group projects cuz i didn't want to share my credits with others or let them bring down my grades
im no genius, but i do know as long as i try, i cant be that bad at something, at least with coursework
a B is the worst grade on my transcripts, and i almost cried when i got it
 
to me, school/college/university is my sanctuary (high school doesnt count cuz i was rebellious)
it gave me confidence and made me realize i could be as good as i wanna be
until i graduated with my BA and entered the "real world"
 
i loved my first two jobs, but things werent like in college
in the real world, fairness and honestly don't exist, or at least not highly valued
you cant argue with your bosses even if you know they are idiots
you cant fight for your raise like how you fight for an A 
 
in order to find my self worth, i did a coursework based MA part-time
it was tough having to balance my work life and study life, but i loved it
grad school, like college, was like a shelter to me
i loved stealing every second from my daily commute to prepare for classes, so i could kick everyone's asses
i felt smart and witty and special
 
after i graduated with my MA, i felt so lost
i only had work to prove myself but my post MA job sucked
so i quit and decided to return to the one place that i felt truly at home
i thought as long as i tried, i would get into a good program
after all, it's school, duh
professors are supposed to love me, like they always did
 
i've been rejected by employers, bosses, clients, coworkers, or boys before
rejections sucked, and i've always taken rejections really hard
the only way to cope was to tell myself "their loss, not mine"
you know what? they probably werent that good to start with anyway, whatever
 
finally, the day came when i got my first PhD rejection
my heart almost exploded when i saw the word "denied"
it may sound silly, but i actually felt a little betrayed
like the only thing that i have always counted on rejected me, telling me that i wasnt really that good, that i thought too highly of myself
 
"get on with your loser life","be a laughing stock of those who didn't want you" were what have been echoing in my head
until a thought stuck me: maybe god (or whoever that is) is using this failure to teach me a lesson
I need to accept rejections, not to dodge or dismiss rejections
perhaps at age 27, i need to come to terms with the fact that i cant always be the jewel in everyone's eyes 
and PhD isnt supposed to be a safe haven for an adult woman
maybe i have applied for the wrong reason and it creeps through my applications
 
maybe it really is a blessing in disguise

You and I are soooo on the same page.  I feel completely liberated.  It's like I have a giant monkey off my back.  I am in no way putting this on anyone else - but as for me, I AM OVER IT!  Don't get me wrong, if they accepted me tomorrow I would be elated.  However, I cannot freak out about this every day, all day.  I have a really full life, with a lot of amazing things going on.  And my son is having surgery on Friday (nothing major, just a torn shoulder muscle).  So I realized that I need to go back to living my life, fully - and realize it will happen when it happens.  And if they don't accept me this time, I will reapply and take a class there while I wait, since I have determined that it will be my school!  I feel a lot of relief and a lot of peace.  I took my future school and gradcafe off of my Top Sites, so I don't see it all the time when I am paying bills or answering student emails.  It's definitely a welcome back to my life and I have a restraining order on anxiety.  Feels pretty good! 

Eager- i think i'm going to start using the selfcontrol app to keep myself from checking the results page on my personal computer. it's okay as a distraction during work when i need to stop reading about soil cores for a while, but it really detracts from my weekend and my downtime after work. no sense in keeping myself up with anxiety over something that'll happen when it happens!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry right now. I just googled my name and 4 things came up. 
1)My old myspace
2)A guy who shares my name in a gay sailor outfit
3)Aforementioned guys twitter
4)An old high school wrestling article about me..
 
Hopefully if I'm googled they'll be able to tell who is who.

Harvard.

i remember when i first applied, to grad school
thinkin' i'll be calm and fine, it's all cool
my app was processed for about a month
then you
said you 
needed time..
..what?
 
oooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
i checked GC again last night 
oooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
this time, i'm feeling like, i'm feeling like
 
we
are never, ever, ever
getting decision letters
weeeee
are never, ever, ever 
getting decision letters
we go talk to adcomms, talk to profs- won't talk to me
cause weeee 
are never, ever, ever
getting decision letters..

i remember when i first applied, to grad school
thinkin' i'll be calm and fine, it's all cool
my app was processed for about a month
then you
said you 
needed time..
..what?
 
oooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
i checked GC again last night 
oooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
this time, i'm feeling like, i'm feeling like
 
we
are never, ever, ever
getting decision letters
weeeee
are never, ever, ever 
getting decision letters
we go talk to adcomms, talk to profs- won't talk to me
cause weeee 
are never, ever, ever
getting decision letters..

"I have not yet come
The anxiety I Yamunaki Collapse along"   thanks, google translate- the confusion you bring me is like that of schools     (ps, deadhead: best of luck with fletcher! their undergrad is my alma mater, and i spent a lot of time in fletcher's ginn library. absolutely gorgeous. plus, the students are all wonderful, brilliant people who will change the world.)