I am accepted to one of the programs. But I'm still anxiously waiting to hear back from my #1 and #2 schools. The #1 program might invite me for an interview (they said they interview strong candidates whose first language is not English.) I'm an international student. I didn't even to study in the US. People don't speak English in my country. The fact that I am not a native English speaker makes me feel so insecure. Part of me hopes I get an interview invitation because that would mean that I'm so close to the acceptance. Another part of me hopes I don't get an invitation at all because I'm so afraid to have an interview in English. Honestly, my speaking is not too bad. It's not like I have a problem studying and working in English. But I know I make mistakes and use awkward phrases. My area of study requires A VERY HIGH level of English fluency, so mostly only the internationals who did their BAs in the renowned US colleges get in this top program (that's why it's a top program, right). So I kinda want to give it all up and prepare for nothing. But on the other hand, I feel like I should be still preparing for the interview. When I pull up the blank Word document to write something, I freeze. I edit and edit and edit, but still don't feel confident. I feel like my answers - including the SOP I've already submitted - suck, compared to the native speakers or internationals who have lived in the US for like half of their lives. I've done job interviews in English many times - but this feels different because they are the "professors". Being correct must be so important to these scholars.
Plus, I'm working full time. So the only time I can prepare for the interview is after work, like from 7pm. Work is so stressful these days, so I get so unmotivated and depressed to prepare for the potential interview. I do nothing and go to sleep. Go to the office, get stressed, and repeat.
If they do start sending out invitations for the interviews, it'll be from next week. I really have no time. But I'm doing nothing. I write some scripts; they sound so childish. I hate myself.