TiredStressed

I'm going to post a quick rant, which I'm writing for cathartic/therapeutic reasons. Don't take anything in it too seriously.
In office hours the other day, I let my thesis chair know that I was not having much luck this season. She made a remark to the effect of: "I regret having wasted the time writing you a letter." She phrased it in a comical way--we joke darkly with one another--so it wasn't as if she was intending to be hurtful. But it stung, because before now, I had only thought of how disappointing it would be for me if I were shut out--not that it would be a disappointment to all of the people who took time to write letters of recommendation, look over my writing sample, listen to me stress out, and so on. I've taken on some debt in the course of my MA; I've also worked harder and for longer than I ever have in my life (and I have been in some strenuous work situations; doing physical labor for sixteen hours a day six days a week actually didn't feel as difficult as some moments in my MA). This was the only goal I have been working toward for years--the prospect of getting shut out now makes me feel so foolish. I exhausted myself in full display of everyone I care about and respect and it's beginning to look as if I have failed nonetheless.
(What's even more aggravating is the fact that so many "radical" scholars are putatively opposed to hierarchy, while the Ph.D. admissions process is so clearly an orgy of fascination with prestige. Academics, once again, show themselves to be all theory and no praxis. I was rejected by all of the prestigious schools I applied to and waitlisted by all of the less-prestigious schools I applied to, leaving me to wonder if the extreme lack of prestige at my current institution was a deciding factor in admissions decisions--unless, of course, my writing sample was precisely good enough to grant me access to one realm of academia but not the other, which strikes me as a rather unlikely scenario.)
Edit: with an hour's time between me and this post, I can tell that there's a somewhat unpleasant element of ressentiment to the above post. Of course, if I get admitted off of the waitlist (or to Fordham, the last school I've applied to but haven't heard back from), you can count on a post from me to the effect of, "The system works!!!! If at first u don't succeed, try, try again!!" and so on. As Bo Burnham says, though, if someone wins the lottery, they're going to tell you to buy a ticket. 

I had the first bits of the Canterbury Tales drilled into me way back in high school and I like to hold on to them for the sole purpose of reciting to people who try to tell me that Shakespeare is ‘medieval English’; even still, oh lord, Old English... I could never ?

@all my medieval comrades, I took two semesters of Old English and was talking about it to one of my mentees (I'm a peer mentor for the undergraduate honors program here) and was saying that it was pretty hard but that it was "at least similar enough to Latin that I would be fine" and he unironically replied, "yeah Shakespeare gets easier once you get the hang of it" and I just died a little on the inside.

@TiredStressed @asongreference Joining the ~still waiting to hear from UNC~ club! I'm wondering if maybe we're on the waitlist for the waitlist that @CanadianEnglish found out about? If I don't hear anything by the end of the week I'm probably going to email the DGS. 

I just want to thank everyone for their kind words after my last post. I spent an hour or so today talking with one of my professors in my MA program and she really made me feel a lot better. Like...yes, the tenure track job is a nightmare, but it's not the only option for folks with a PhD. I can teach at a private high school, work in publishing or grant writing, etc., and that to me would by no means be the end of the world. I'm also in game studies, so there's a chance I could end up with an industry job. (Of course, I'd love a tenure track job, but more than anything I want to make sure I can provide for my family first and foremost.) And I have options internationally, too; my partner is from Korea and we've talked about opening an English academy over there, which of course we'll have better prospects in doing if I have the PhD. Stony Brook has a fairly sizable Korean community and a developed Korean Studies program, too, and so my son will get to grow up exposed to that culture (we're already planning to raise him bilingual). 
Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know I'm doing much better now. Thank you again, and I wish everyone here the best of luck.

Come on Rutgers, rip the bandaid already!

I have also not heard from UNC! I’m also just waiting for that rejection but I’ve had no portal updates and no email lol.

Sorry for deflecting, but looks like Columbia is sending out emails. No update on my portal yet. 

I’m literally replying to this right now from a hotel room in Paris, where I am on my “dream vacation”, while using expensive international data to check this board every few minutes... so, same. 

I’m currently on an airplane and purchased in-flight WiFi just so I can keep checking the Brown application portal and this forum, just putting that out there

I just emailed UNC Chapel Hill's DGS to inquire about when they are sending out news. Will update if or when I hear back. 
Hope every gets a bit of good news for the rest of the week!

I feel this. I'm on one waitlist and have 9 pending programs (of those, possibly 2 or 3 implied rejections). This has been so tough and up until a few days ago I was having a very hard time, imagining nonstop what it would be like to get shut out, and feeling completely lost. I'm still afraid, and it will hurt a lot if this cycle ends disappointingly for me, but I've just become so tired of the emotional roller coaster that I was able to fully bring myself to that 'it's out of my hands now; there's no way to predict anything; whatever happens, I'll just take it one step at a time.' If this cycle is a wash for me (and I do still have some hope it may not be), then I'll try again. Just thinking about writing up new applications, reworking writing samples, going through the waiting game again, and—most of all—asking my professors to write a third round of reference letters (they recommended me for my MA, as well as this PhD cycle) scares me so much, but I just keep reminding myself that there is nothing I can do right now at all, and if I do come to a position in which I have to try again, all I can do is try. I can't predict if I'll have the energy, the resources, if I'll be able to get references, etc., so what's the use in stressing about it now? I'm just wearing myself out that way. 
I know this probably doesn't help, but I just wanted to write all this to let you know, as others have already done, that you're definitely not alone. This entire process is the most gruelling thing I've been through, and it has a uniquely awful way of wearing out a person in a myriad of different ways. It's tough seeing people get really great news over and over,  as happy as we all are for them, but we just have to keep reminding ourselves that admission decisions are incredibly complex and in large part depend on chance. 

Congratulations to everyone!!!!!!!
Canadian here, so less exciting schools to mention but I'm in at Saskatchewan, Dalhousie and McMaster. Waiting to hear from Western Ontario (and Victoria but that one's an implied rejection). Great funding from all - trying to decide between Dal and McMaster right now and very stressed about it!

Idk if anyone else feels like this but my motivation to keep up with classwork and orgs has just plummeted since this semester has started. I finally got around to doing a horrific amount of laundry and feel a sense of self pride/dignity restoring but last week when I was in the thick of most of my decisions I kind of dropped the ball with some of my coursework. Thankfully I only have two programs left that haven't responded back yet to anyone (and quite frankly I'm not sure if I'll be getting into either) but it's nice like someone else was saying to be so close to the end of the application cycle. Good luck to everyone who still has a bunch of unknowns left to go through and try to take care of y'allselves in the meantime.

I feel like no one else is checking Grad Cafe as much as I am. It's a sickness. *refreshes page* 
 
 

I love NYU but if I’m being honest with myself, it probably wasn’t the best fit. Still, the idea of another rejection sends me into a panic. It’s hard going through this ‘will they won’t they’ game without a single acceptance to fall back on, y’all... 

Oh my god NYU is one of my top choices and hearing about y'all's phone calls is freaking me out. I know that those calls are rolling out but still ?Congrats!

Does anybody else read literature completely outside of their field of interest for fun? I don't know about ya'll, but I cannot read my field of interest (late 20th century female Caribbean narratives) as a fun hobby. I read just absolute trash YA novels or a fantasy series that doesn't make me want to do a character analysis. I'm currently reading Name of All Things by Jenn Lyons as a way to procrastinate editing my thesis and to distract myself from refreshing my email every 10 minutes. Would love to hear about your field and what you read for fun! (Hopefully more strange dichotomies). 
 

@poetryislit @TiredStressed @snorkles @merry night wanderer Thank you all so much for your empathy/kind words/perspectives.
What I will say for now is that we did leave other options open – I applied to five more programs that I believe I could be equally happy/successful at (and some others that I think it would be really tough to give up Chicago for). My partner has applied to programs that match those locations and we haven't heard back from any of them yet. So there is still hope! I think that more than anything, the news yesterday made me realize that all of those options could end up falling through; that I could end up faced with a choice between leaving my partner or giving up Chicago to go to, say, Boston College or Fordham (not that there is anything wrong with those programs – but I just don't see how it would make sense from a career perspective). There really isn't reason yet to think that this will happen, though – I guess I'm just wondering what the odds are of being accepted to more than one truly amazing program.
@TiredStressed – he didn't apply to any other programs in the Chicago area except for Notre Dame. He interviewed there and it seemed to go well, so that may be an option, but it's far from his first choice. I applied to a whopping four programs in the Chicago area alone because I thought if either of us would get into Chicago, it would be him (he is objectively the stronger applicant).
Anyway, here we are... we'll see what happens, and I hope to be able to report good news at the end of the application cycle.

More unsolicited commentary to add to what was said: Did your partner get into Northwestern? It’s close enough to UChicago that you could still make it work by attending two different schools.

Speaking as someone in their second quarter at Chicago, I can say that I would have been happier at another program if it meant my partner could come. This is to say nothing about the program at Chicago. It's great. But once you're here and settled, it all becomes normalized and you realize that great people and programs are everywhere. A committed, supportive partner is less common. 
Edit because ambiguity: My partner was able to come with me, and it has made everything much easier. 

I'm not sure about professors outside of the Medievalists specifically but I've had four professors tell me that the people I want to work with are absolutely fantastic people and that OSU has a reputation for having a friendly climate in general