Anxiety and Depression

[chicago_style]

I know that this is a huge topic floating around GradCafe in both applications and actual students, so, let's discuss it in depth here. For prospective students, how has mental illness affected your studies, outlook, and preparation (or feeling the lack thereof) for grad school? For current students, how have you coped with your depression? Medication? Mental toughness? Is it possible to fight it long enough without prescriptions to make it through a Ph.D. program? 

As competitive as grad school can be, ultimately we're all in this together. 

[Nothingtown]

I graduated in 2015 with excellent grades and accomplishments from my undergraduate university. I'm applying to grad school this year after a long wait (for family reasons, not anything to do with my mental health). As you can see in my signature, I've gotten mostly rejections. My anxiety drove me to achieve when I was an undergrad. Once I graduated, my anxiety got much worse and out of control, and I developed severe depression as well. The years off were probably a good thing, because they gave me a chance to recover and learn to cope with something that may follow me my whole life. 

Not going to lie though, each rejection hurts, because I feel like it's a judgment on how well (or poorly) I actually have recovered. I can take them very personally, especially when I see people who I view as my peers with very similar backgrounds getting into programs that rejected me. And, people with depression are more sensitive to rejection in general so it makes sense I would feel this way. It is a little scary to be going into an environment known for causing mental health issues, but I truly love academia and what I study, and I feel like it's going to be good for me in the long run. Plus, I've learned a lot of coping mechanisms that I wouldn't have had if I had gone straight into grad school after my Fulbright (2015-2016). I just hope I can find a therapist in my future city who is as good as the one I have now. 

Edited February 22, 2019 by ringoandme
Typo

[PsyDuck90]

Please, please, please, if anyone on this board feels like their anxiety/depression is overwhelming, or they are having trouble coping, see a mental health professional. If you are averse to medications, that technically isn't the 1st line of treatment to begin with. Therapeutic interventions are usually the name of the game. If you are currently in school (undergraduate or graduate) most colleges have counseling centers on site that provide free services. It is ok to see someone. Mental illness is not something that should "just be part of life."

[Anxiously Hopeful]

Anxiety is what kills me. It cripples me and saps the fun and excitement out of everything. When I was not hearing from any universities, I felt low and had a throbbing head and now when I have acceptances from two universities, I still feel the same. The questions in my mind that drive anxiety keeps changing as I face new situations. I think spending a lot of time alone might be the problem since I do a lot of over-thinking. Hopefully, when I will join grad school, most of my mental energy will be utilized in studies and enjoying the company of friends and that would be good for my mental health.  ?

[Demure]

I’m starting grad school this fall, but I graduated in May 2018. I had to take a gap year because I was extremely depressed from some stuff I went through.

My mood has lifted significantly since I got accepted to my top choice earlier this month, but I’m not sure how long it will last. I still feel weighed down by the emotional baggage from last year, and I’m scared it will all come back to bite me in the butt in grad school. I’m also worried I’ll feel lonely in grad school, especially since I’m shy, prefer one-on-one conversations over large groups, and don’t drink/do drugs.

On a positive note, I think I’ll genuinely enjoy the work I’ll be doing, and my supervisor seems really nice. I also think I’ll love the place I’m moving to and all it has to offer.

[NeilM]

My story is probably just as long as most people's, but basically a combination of depression and circumstances had me in undergraduate for 5.5 years (I've had severe depression since I was a child). I was only medicated/seeing a therapist for the 4th year. For graduate school, I intend to be proactive about therapy! As soon as I move I plan to find a mental health office and establish at least monthly meetings so that when things do get bad, I have a professional support system.

I'm also being proactive about contacting all of my friends in the area I'm moving to, and saving enough money per check to go out and have fun pretty regularly. Even if I don't want to party something I love is to be around people, like sitting at a cafe for a few hours or going to a museum. I'm getting into bullet journaling, back into creative writing, and I play a ton of video games. Basically its all about coping mechanisms, and being at least halfway stable before shit hits the fan.

If anyone in this thread (or the whole site) wants to talk, I'm pretty available! I don't always have time or spoons but if you just need an open ear I'm there.

Edit: on "fighting it long enough without prescriptions"--I don't think going into graduate school with this attitude is wise. The human body has its limitations. Maybe its because I'm into the biochemical pathways of the brain because of my research, but I know some people just don't produce enough hormones and there's nothing wrong with that! If hormone supplements or reuptake inhibitors in the form of antidepressants, etc. are what your body needs (as determined by your own research and the guidance of your psychiatrist or GP), then don't try to grin and bear it. 

Edited March 28, 2019 by NeilM

[futuredrb]

I've struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life due to both physical causes (chronic adrenal failure in one of my adrenal glands), an auto-immune disease, and a number of very difficult losses when I was young. I transferred universities after my second year (for a variety of reasons but physical and mental health was part of it) and had a very difficult transition, but finally feel like I found where I'm supposed to be. I'm staying at this university for my master's (music composition). Going through the application process was really difficult, especially with anxiety. I had chronic nightmares for months that I would be rejected from every school to which I applied and that I'd never be a successful composer. It's hard, especially in the arts to not feel like this, but having a great support network is so important. Once I found out I got a full ride to stay at my current school and stay studying with my professor, who's one of my absolute favorite composers, I couldn't believe how much better I felt about *everything.*

Things I find help when I know my anxiety's getting bad is to just focus on one small thing at a time. I always make sure that I'm eating well, drinking enough water (and not too much alcohol), sleeping enough (the tough one), and taking all my meds (when my adrenal function dips it immediately causes a spike in anxiety and worsens depression; I don't take SSRIs or anything but my adrenal medication is considered to be an anti-anxiety medication as well). It's hard, and it's hard to talk about it. I know I have to really make taking care of my mental health a top priority because I spend so much time alone. And I'm not afraid to reach out to a couple people who I have a really strong connection with, and who have similar issues as well.

[Teaching Faculty Wannabe]

On 2/22/2019 at 4:54 PM, chicago_style said:

I know that this is a huge topic floating around GradCafe in both applications and actual students, so, let's discuss it in depth here. For prospective students, how has mental illness affected your studies, outlook, and preparation (or feeling the lack thereof) for grad school? For current students, how have you coped with your depression? Medication? Mental toughness? Is it possible to fight it long enough without prescriptions to make it through a Ph.D. program? 

As competitive as grad school can be, ultimately we're all in this together. 

Mental illness definitely affected my studies when I was an undergrad. I started seeing a university counselor and it helped a lot, but in the end, it wasn't enough for me. I started taking lexapro last year and I think it has helped. Of course, I still have my bad days, but my anxiety and depression has definitely been worse in the past. However, there are other things I am trying to put in my daily schedule to use for when days are tough in grad school. I am definitely trying to prepare for the stress of grad school because I know it is going to be a whole different ballpark compared to undergrad. I am trying to drink more water, get enough sleep and develop a somewhat consistent sleep schedule, do yoga or go on walk at least a few times a week, make healthy meals for myself, meditate on nights I am feeling stressed, drink herbal tea, avoid large amounts of caffeine, do things outside of school (such as volunteering, hanging out with friends, going to new places), etc.

It is all a balance in my mind. Medication can help, but it shouldn't be the only thing to help. You have to integrate various activities that can help in your life. I think experiencing mental health has definitely made me nervous about grad school. I am afraid of having constant panic attacks, forgetting to eat or not having an appetite, losing sleep, not wanting to get out of bed, and feeling unmotivated. Honestly, I already had an anxiety attack over budgeting for grad school, so I know some of those things are bound to happen at some point. However, I am trying to reassure myself with all of the things I mentioned above. Also, my future PhD advisor seems to be really understanding about mental health. I think having understanding and supportive people around you also helps.

I will say that medication isn't for everyone, and I was very hesitant about it for years. I am still very unsure about it, but I haven't experienced any bad side effects so far and like I said, it has reduced my generalized anxiety, depression, and social anxiety some. If you curious about it, then ask your doctor and/or therapist about it. There are so many types of medication and they don't always work the same for different people, but it could be worth a try if non-medication methods haven't work as well as you hoped.

Also, as @PsyDGrad90 said, please seek a professional if you are dealing with anxiety, depression, or another sort of mental illness. There is nothing wrong with seeing a professional. Just like you should see a doctor when you have a broken bone, you should see a therapist when you have a mental illness that affects you daily. There is nothing wrong with having a mental illness as well. It is sadly just a fact a life sometimes, and I am sure there are more people out there that have, or have had, a mental illness than you know. I know it can be hard to convince yourself to see someone, but it is the only way to make you feel better.

[feralgrad]

This application cycle has been a lot of ups and downs for me anxiety-wise. Acceptances and rejections haven't been nearly as difficult as figuring out my finances. It's very easy for me to spiral out of control wondering if my career goals will ever be financially feasible.

That said, overall I think this has actually been good for my mental health. As difficult as the past couple months have been, I'm proud of myself; I'm going after something I'm excited about, rather than coasting through an easier career because I'm afraid to take risks. I used to feel so much dread sitting at my desk and wondering if I'd spend the next 50 years writing Facebook posts for a living. Even if I don't get the funding I need to go to school this year, at least now I know that's not my fate.

That wasn't exactly advice, but I think it's something we should all keep in mind: As scary as school/funding/the job market can be, it's not as frightening as being 70 years old and regretting all the risks we didn't take.