Dating a Professor - Fellow Student Reactions

[secret-name]

I've been a member of this forum for a little while but have created this "secret-name" in an attempt to remain even more anonymous about this particularly sensitive subject.

I'm dating a former undergrad professor. I spent my last semester and part of the summer working in his lab to gain experience for my grad applications. We started dating in July (two months after my graduation - nothing happened before then, not even discussion of dating) and plan to continue dating while I am in grad school. We have tried to keep the relationship as covert as possible and very few people from my undergrad institute know about it. That said, we are both reluctant to lie about it and eventually plan to be a little more open.

I will probably move to a new, but nearby town for grad school. I would like to be friends with my fellow students. If he visits and meets them and they ask how we met I'm worried that it might be hard to lie about it (he is in the same field and they will probably figure it out even if we do lie). He is tenured and well-established and has nothing to worry about. Although this relationship does not violate any policies, I am sure it will be frowned upon and that, because I am younger and less established, I will be negatively affected.

My main question to this forum is what would you think if you were another student in my department? If I tell people that I am dating a former professor will I be immediately ostracized? Will people assume that we had been dating since I was 18 and he just pulled some strings to get me into grad school and I am not independently worthy? Or will my fellow students be uninterested in this romance at all?

I am trying to decide whether or not I should keep it covert until I am more established. However, that's not exactly around the corner.

Reminders:

1. I'm leaving my undergrad institution but am remaining in the same general (within a 5 hour drive) area.

2. The age difference is not very significant.

3. We are in the same field.

[DrFaustus666]

Hi Secret-Name,

I'm much older than you and it's hard for me to guess what your fellow students (and professors!) might think.

I can share the experience of a former girlfriend of mine, who went to a very prestigious university in Great Britain (either Cambridge or Oxford, I won't say which) -- and dated a professor, marrying him immediately upon graduation (he was 25 yrs older than she).

When they finally made their relationship public, having tried every method known to man to keep it covert,

1. "Everybody" already knew.

2. She did feel ostracized, and one brave-but-forthright student told her directly that for her own sake, she should not date someone in her own field, because "everybody" assumed her superior grades were due to favoritism.

3. Their marriage lasted only two years. She then remained single for 25 years, while he immediately married another student, with whom he'd been having an affair.

Bottom line, amor may vincit omnia, but you'll pay a high price. I think you probably realize that already, but I thought I'd chime in with my former girlfriend's story.

By the way, her marriage to her prof had no effect, positive or negative, on her career.

John

Edited October 30, 2010 by DrFaustus666

[newms]

I think that should your peers find out about it, that they will probably suspect something nefarious or at least the thought will cross their mind. That is, unless they know the quality of your work. In my own case, if I were your peer and I knew you were capable of producing high quality work on your own, I wouldn't think anything of it. If I knew you had difficulty producing high quality work, I would wonder. I guess it boils down to how much your peers' opinions of yourself will have an effect on you. Do you value this relationship enough that even though your peers might frown on it you would still be happy in it? As for your career, I don't think it *should* have an impact on your career since no policies are being violated, and ultimately you will be judged on the quality of your own work (perhaps I'm being nave in this).

[DrFaustus666]

I think that should your peers find out about it, that they will probably suspect something nefarious or at least the thought will cross their mind. That is, unless they know the quality of your work. In my own case, if I were your peer and I knew you were capable of producing high quality work on your own, I wouldn't think anything of it. If I knew you had difficulty producing high quality work, I would wonder. I guess it boils down to how much your peers' opinions of yourself will have an effect on you. Do you value this relationship enough that even though your peers might frown on it you would still be happy in it? As for your career, I don't think it *should* have an impact on your career since no policies are being violated, and ultimately you will be judged on the quality of your own work (perhaps I'm being nave in this).

newms, you never cease to amaze me. Your thoughtfulness and open-mindedness are indeed admirable. You're right once again. It all depends on how well the OP's fellow students know her, and how much she cares about their opinions.

OP: Be sure EVERYBODY knows you're a superior student; or, if you're not, be absolutely certain that your relationship has no effect on your grades. If you have to hit your boyfriend over the head with a hammer to enforce this, do so!

[Eigen]

I had a friend who was very close to one of our Prof's, but didn't start dating him until after they got married. No one I knew had a problem with it.

They got married about a year after she graduated, and have a really cute kid now. We still see them at department functions when I'm back in town.

I'm sure some people felt there was some stigma attached, but not everyone.

Edited October 31, 2010 by Eigen

[juilletmercredi]

In my cohorts (I'm in a joint program, so there are two) I don't think anybody would care, especially if it were a professor from a completely different university. I have a colleague who is dating a professor in my field - different department, but he's very well known in my field - and no one seems to care. She has openly admitted that his status has helped her pull some strings in certain areas, but she's also a competent and intelligent student, so I'm not entirely sure she wouldn't have gotten into the program she's in without his influence.

We're interested in our colleagues' personal lives but not enough to jump to conclusions about your personal worth based on who you date. I think the exception would be if we KNEW that particular person was incompetent and displayed it through her work. But just generally jumping to a conclusion? Hey, professors have girlfriends and boyfriends too, and sometimes those girlfriends and boyfriends go to graduate school.

[rising_star]

If I were you, secret-name, I'd be more concerned about the potential implications on the job market than on what your peers think. Regardless of who you date, that person isn't going to magically get along with all of your peers (and, for that matter, neither will you!).

[caffeinated librarian]

I wouldn't care, but other people may feel differently. All graduate programs are different. Depending on the people in your program, you may have problems or you may not. If your program is very competitive, then your peers may believe your relationship is what got you into the program, not your work. I think it helps that your S.O. is not a professor at that university. I would recommend keeping your personal life and your student life separate. For example, if there is an event that is for students and faculty in the department, don't bring your S.O. even though he is in the same field. If you do, it may look like you are flaunting the relationship or using it to increase your status in the department. Conversely, if there is a casual event where students are welcome to bring family members and friends from outside the department, then bring him.

I think the key is to remember that you are the graduate student here, and there is a teacher-student, faculty-mentor hierarchy that exists in graduate programs. By dating a faculty member from another university, you are straddling a fine line, and it may make your fellow students uncomfortable. If they want to complain about someone or something, they may hesitate to open up in your presence out of fear that it will travel back to the faculty in the department.

Finally, I would discuss this issue with your boyfriend, since this also has implications for his reputation and career.

Edited November 1, 2010 by caffeinated librarian

[cogneuroforfun]

Honestly, as a fellow student, I think it will look weird. Whatever they say to your face, I doubt many people will really accept right away that nothing happened before you left the lab / graduated. As others have said, even though it isn't fair, people will be questioning whether you can stand on your own or whether you have gotten favors or help.

That is all related to your 'professional' life as a student, though. As far as ostracizing someone who is dating a professor (at another school), I really really doubt that will happen. I don't think other students will care who you're dating, except that it is slightly more interesting than your typical significant other. In terms of your social life, I don't think you can or should hide it; trying to be 'covert' will only make it seem more questionable when it inevitably comes out.

[aginath]

If I were you, secret-name, I'd be more concerned about the potential implications on the job market than on what your peers think. Regardless of who you date, that person isn't going to magically get along with all of your peers (and, for that matter, neither will you!).

This. I've seen first hand what happens with a spousal hire (she was his GA at another school) and how both both faculty are treated as a result. It can create an uncomfortable dynamic and makes it awkward as a student after the fact when colleagues at other schools ask you for the story.

[Bukharan]

If you love him, go for it and don't be afraid! Honestly, I don't think your fellow students will care much about your personal life. And to any intelligent person it should be clear that you don't owe your excellent grades or admissions to a graduate school to him because if it was true there would have been some kind of a scandal (rumours spread quickly).

All the best to you both!

[fluttering]

Several of my friends have been in situations where their supervisor was dating a current/former student. All of them resented it. People will perceive you as having an unfair advantage due to the relationship, regardless of whether it is true.

[anthropologygeek]

Why tell them? Plus no matter what they will gossip behind your back if you tell them

[rising_star]

Why tell them? Plus no matter what they will gossip behind your back if you tell them

Honestly, it would be a complete pain in the ass to hide one's partner from one's peers throughout several years of graduate school. My partner works a job that often requires working on Friday and Saturday nights. As such, when I mention him and people haven't met him, they often ask when they will, for more information on him, etc. And, because we are partners, he is invited to departmental events just like I am and attends them when his work schedule permits. Sure, people may gossip behind my back about our relationship and/or my partner. BUT, that doesn't mean that it would be easy to hide our relationship from everyone in my department.

OP, if you end up trying to hide your relationship, you will have to constantly be on guard about what you say and do. It may require lying to your colleagues/friends/peers at times in order to maintain the mistruth that you are not in a relationship and/or that your boyfriend is not a professor. That's not an action to be taken lightly, considering that you'll have to do it for several years. And, if and when your colleagues/peers do find out, they will know that you have been lying to them and that will change your relationships with all of them. You have to consider whether or not that it is worth it.

[psycholinguist]

That wouldn't bother me in the slightest either, especially given that there isn't much of an age-difference. Heck, we're in grad-school; by this point it would probably be weirder to be dating a high-school student than to be dating a professor. People bond over shared interests, after all, and people in the same field usually have a lot of the same specific full-fledged passions for the same topics and subdisciplines!

I think there might be a middle ground here, though, between flat-out lying about who your partner is and flat-out going, 'O HAI GUYZ, I'm dating a professor'. Just talk about him the way you would any SO, but if you're asked what he does, just say something along the lines of, 'oh, right now he's doing some teaching over at XYZ College'. Let them make their own inferences; most young professors were grad-students very recently, after all, and there's nothing especially shocking about a grad-student dating another grad-student. Your friends might probe the issue further, but you can continue to be vague and/or evasive without exactly telling lies. * grins *

[okokokok]

I agree - evasive lying is the way to go in this case. Also, I would try not to be the type of person that talks about your boyfriend/girlfriend constantly. If they are seldom mentioned, maybe no one will ask. I wouldn't immediately drag them out to department functions or even student parties. Just be sure this is a long-term relationship before you jeopardize your future over it. That said, I, personally, would not care.

[socme123]

Honestly, I'd end the relationship or make it super-casual (as in he's not your boyfriend or partner; he's just someone you know and go out with on occasion.) It's probably not going to last anyway, and in the end the potential costs outweigh any benefits.

[SimilarlyDifferent]

If you lie about the relationship or you try to cover it up, then when people finally do find out about it, they will be more suspicious because you misled them. They will wonder why you had to hide it if you weren't doing anything wrong (and no amount of explaining will convince them otherwise).

If everything is on the up and up, then it is in your best interest not to hide it regardless of what they will think. The consequences will be much worse if you try to cover it up and fail to do so.

[Vacuum]

If you are going to grad school at a different institution where you significant other is not working, but he will visit you there, why do you have to introduce him as a former professor? Why can't you just say 'this is my boyfriend JoeBlow'. If people say 'what do you do JoeBlow?' then let him say 'I am a professor at BlahBlah school'. We are all adults and I think you can date whomever. Just because he is a professor in the same field, would not equal him being your professor when you were in your undergrad. There were many profs in my small department that never taught me. If people are mature, I don't think it would matter. This is not something scandelous if you ask me!

[Scottielass]

I think psycholinguist hit the nail on the head. Hiding the relationship or flaunting it may cause some questions to be asked. Just be yourself. Let your colleagues get to know you and your work first. If asked how you met, all you really need to say is "We met at XYZ University". That would be enough for me.

[natsteel]

I may be off the mark, but it seems to me that a lot of the responses here are addressing the issue as if the professor was in the OP's current school or department. Besides, the OP said they only spent one semester and part of a summer in his lab. Perhaps it's because I'm in the Humanities, but how much effect could one semester and part of a summer in a lab have on one's credentials to get into a different grad program (barring some outrageous results during that time)?

I'm only starting grad school in the fall, but I doubt I will care very much about the relationships of my cohort even if they were dating a professor from a different university and any "judgments" I would form about someone would be based on my opinion of their work. That's just me, but I could imagine some members of an ultra-competitive cohort seeking any kind of edge seizing on something like this even if it had no effect on the OP's current status.

[DrPepper-olic]

My only advice would be to act professionally. (And mainly, pursue your own intellectual interests.) I want to commend you for doing so, thus far.

It stinks that there appears to be a double standard about academic females and who they date. Sometimes, you only have to do well in a male professor's class for the snide remarks to come out. You know what? It's your business. If you keep it professional, then no one can reproach you for that.

Let's suppose that your current relationship stays strong throughout school, and after. Then you're lucky to have found someone who shares your intellectual passions. How wonderful! Who knows, maybe you can research together later, after you've established yourself. (Ever see those ultra cute professor couples who publish together?) Since you're at a different school currently, you shouldn't worry about people wondering if you got preferential treatment. Your performance, over time, will reflect your true ability anyway.

Now, suppose that things do not work out in the long run. It's a sad thought, but who knows what the future holds? You've stayed professional, so even if it feels like emotions are tied up in your work, you will have your own (1) integrity and (2) research.

I have never been involved with an authority figure (prof or TA), but I have dated several study partners. When the relationship went bad, I wanted to distance myself from those guys in every way, and I usually strayed from my academic interests for a time. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't mixed work and romance, but when hormones are flying, it's hard not to.

In the end, you know what feels right. If you think your relationship is worth putting up with the immaturity of your cohort for a brief period of time, then do it! Best of luck!

[Herbie]

My main question to this forum is what would you think if you were another student in my department? If I tell people that I am dating a former professor will I be immediately ostracized? Will people assume that we had been dating since I was 18 and he just pulled some strings to get me into grad school and I am not independently worthy? Or will my fellow students be uninterested in this romance at all?

I am trying to decide whether or not I should keep it covert until I am more established. However, that's not exactly around the corner.

I'm not surprised two people in the same field are attracted and dating.

That said, I don't believe this is information you're obligated to mention. They're your peers, but not your BFFs. I believe if they do ask, skirting the question'll definitely allow for many implications to arise. In this same vein, you're not dating a professor in that same graduate program. Even if they can believe you've had extra mobility due to dating this professor, they should realize your research should speak more for you than a relationship. I believe what another member mentioned - they're idea of you now will play a large role in what they'll think of you once they know.

Would I ostracize you? Not unless you give me a reason to (IE 'touting' the stereotypical benefits of a student/teacher relationship).

Would I assume you'd been dating since you were 18? . . . . No. If one professor could pull enough strings to get someone into grad school . . I smell a conspiracy, or potential opportunity. (:

In all honesty, if I were a peer, I wouldn't care much at all. I try to stay out of people's relationships. I am laissez faire about this.

[fsmn36]

I think lying about this would make it worse. Both for your mental health and if people did find out later. I think most people would feel more betrayed if lied to.

As for me, I wouldn't care. I've heard enough stories about varying academics who have had similar situations. Some are bad, some end well. I personally don't make judgements, especially since you started dating after you'd graduated. (If you were dating WHILE in their class, I would have issues, the same way a boss dating an employee is just...awkward)

I think people will judge, but it's up to you whether you let it bother you. I know my school has many spousal hires, so I don't know if it would influence jobs, but it might be something to consider.

[garibaldi]

<br />Honestly, I'd end the relationship or make it super-casual (as in he's not your boyfriend or partner; he's just someone you know and go out with on occasion.) It's probably not going to last anyway, and in the end the potential costs outweigh any benefits.<br />

<br /><br /><br />

LOL!!!