Advice for the significant other?

[nostimost]

Hey all,

So I have a serious need for advice from all you lovely, wise people. I've posted a couple times around the forums, but I am not myself applying to grad school right now; my boyfriend is. We're hoping he'll be hearing back from his top-choice program in the next couple of weeks, and while I actually have a lot of confidence that he could very well be accepted into that program, there is of course a lingering fear that he won't. So my question is this: if he doesn't get into his top choice, what should I do to help him feel better and move past it? I saw a thread a few days ago about what not to say to someone who's just been rejected. What should I say? I just want him to be happy.... Of course, this is not to say that I don't think he'll get in. I really believe that he has a good shot. But I guess being prepared for the worst will make me feel better?

Thanks and continued good luck everyone!

[Mrs. Grad]

Hi nostimost,

My husband is the one applying this year. The best you can do is give him a hug and offer him something special with each result, whether it be positive or negative. My husband and I have been going out for ice cream or casual dates as the decisions roll in. Either way, life goes on. Try to help your significant other out of his head and back into the moment.

And take care of yourself. This process must be taxing on you, as well.

Hope this helps!

The Flambert

Edited February 10, 2011 by ej_flambert

[HyacinthMacaw]

Yes, I can imagine this process is nerve-wracking for boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses as well.

Coping with disappointment of such magnitude can be challenging, and it would seem to put loved ones in a familiar bind: Talk them through it with as much empathy as possible or just let them deal with it alone? I always like to err on the side of the former--attempts at compassion rarely make things worse, even if they may not always make them better, either. I think situations like this call for lots of emotional validation. I remember from a clinical psychology course that it was always important for therapists to acknowledge the emotional experience of their clients. Simple things like "You must be feeling awful, I know how important this was for you," or "I would feel upset, too," can really make a difference. Even just a good, long hug can work.

If I were in your boyfriend's situation, I would hope to lean on my girlfriend for that kind of emotional support, and I would be sure to reciprocate it when the need arises. Participating in activities together (I like cooking, personally) beforehand and after the fact might help build resilience and accumulate positive emotions.

All the best to you, your boyfriend, and everyone else with significant others.

[nostimost]

Thank you, Flambert and Hyacinth! All good advice, and much appreciated

Flambert--It's nice to know I'm not the only one! Hang in there, and good luck!

[communications13]

I guess, first and foremost, let him be upset about it, for a little while at least. I want to wallow in it for a while, greive an opportunity I really wanted. Don't automatically jump into "It'll be okay, you have other options, we have each other." That's all true, and he knows it, but right off the bat all he can focus on is "this sucks." And that's okay. Two days later get into showing him all the other options, the bright side to the situation.

[Bonkers]

Nostimost:

Lets hope your husband gets into his program, but in horrible case of rejection... I think from being a failure at many things, the schmaltzy stuff and over hugging is not exactly the best move.

I suggest: one long hug. After, you immediately push your SO from denial to anger, say "they are mad crazy balls for not letting you in, those fucking bastards!" Then you go out and buy a six pack of beer and rent Charles in Charge season 5 (because they have all these test spin-off pilots interspersed with normal Charles in Charge episodes, it is freakin crazy... there is one spin-off idea that I thought was really good, but it never got picked up as its own show after Charles in Charge ended... well, you will see. It's the one in which Charles' mom works at an auto-garage---that is some funny stuff). Okay, so after all this and some sleep he will feel better.

Good luck to your husband!

[anthropologygeek]

If it's bad news, allow him to vent to you. Also, don't get mad if he is cranky for a few days after. Maybe make his favorite dinner. If he gets in, which hopefully he does, take him to his favorite restaurant and discuss the upcoming mood followed with a celebration.

[nostimost]

Then you go out and buy a six pack of beer and rent Charles in Charge season 5 (because they have all these test spin-off pilots interspersed with normal Charles in Charge episodes, it is freakin crazy... there is one spin-off idea that I thought was really good, but it never got picked up as its own show after Charles in Charge ended... well, you will see. It's the one in which Charles' mom works at an auto-garage---that is some funny stuff). Okay, so after all this and some sleep he will feel better.

I like the way you think! I also like your icon. And the phrase "mad crazy balls".

Edited February 11, 2011 by nostimost

[jcandy]

Hiya,

I'm applying for grad school, but likely driving my husband mad. We've decided that if there's a rejection or acceptance for me, we're going for a burger and beer. So, regardless of what happens, we are doing something nice and eating a delicious burger. Likely I will get fat, but I've only applied for 5 schools. I am ready to start eating. Also, baking chocolate cake helps, but that might be because I'm a girl.

Hey all,

So I have a serious need for advice from all you lovely, wise people. I've posted a couple times around the forums, but I am not myself applying to grad school right now; my boyfriend is. We're hoping he'll be hearing back from his top-choice program in the next couple of weeks, and while I actually have a lot of confidence that he could very well be accepted into that program, there is of course a lingering fear that he won't. So my question is this: if he doesn't get into his top choice, what should I do to help him feel better and move past it? I saw a thread a few days ago about what not to say to someone who's just been rejected. What should I say? I just want him to be happy.... Of course, this is not to say that I don't think he'll get in. I really believe that he has a good shot. But I guess being prepared for the worst will make me feel better?

Thanks and continued good luck everyone!

[joops]

Not to be a creeper, but you are so funny! I hope by some twist of fate we both end up at Indiana.

Nostimost:

Lets hope your husband gets into his program, but in horrible case of rejection... I think from being a failure at many things, the schmaltzy stuff and over hugging is not exactly the best move.

I suggest: one long hug. After, you immediately push your SO from denial to anger, say "they are mad crazy balls for not letting you in, those fucking bastards!" Then you go out and buy a six pack of beer and rent Charles in Charge season 5 (because they have all these test spin-off pilots interspersed with normal Charles in Charge episodes, it is freakin crazy... there is one spin-off idea that I thought was really good, but it never got picked up as its own show after Charles in Charge ended... well, you will see. It's the one in which Charles' mom works at an auto-garage---that is some funny stuff). Okay, so after all this and some sleep he will feel better.

Good luck to your husband!

[FaithM]

I like the "Charles in Charge" idea, but personally I would go the "Saved by the Bell" route...

I think a solid hug is the best course of action, but after being rejected from my top choice, I can tell you what DOESN'T help:

"It wasn't meant to be."

"God has a plan." (snarl)

"You think YOU have it bad? I didn't get into blah blah blah" (I don't care! We're not talking about you right now, we're talking about ME!)

"Time to start looking for a job."

"It wouldn't have worked out anyway. Why don't you just have a baby?"

(Sidenote: My mother has said all of those things to me.)

[jergensultrahealing]

FaithM your mom is a funny lady! As if having a baby will instantly solve all problems. Wish that solution could work for me, but, alas, I lack a proper uterus.

[jprufrock]

All these food suggestions must be veiled double entendres; or, I guess the obvious 'hey let me make you feel better' isn't so obvious.

---

If I weren't accepted, I would want some time to decompress, think through the situation, analyze, consider other options, think about other second-choice colleges etc. Just sit with him and let him think through it. You can hold his hand if you want. He'll talk when he's ready.

Really, a lot of people ask, "What should I say?"

What they should actually ask is, "How should I listen?"

[nostimost]

Really, a lot of people ask, "What should I say?"

What they should actually ask is, "How should I listen?"

That is a good point. Thanks! Also, I couln't help noticing that one of your subfields is "Mixed Race Studies". That's so cool! I'm mixed, and my friends and I started a mixed race club in college, because our school (somewhat surprisingly) didn't have anything like that. I've felt for a long time that mixed race people and issues are largely overlooked in the US, so I'm glad to see that someone else is interested in them!

[neuropsychosocial]

So my question is this: if he doesn't get into his top choice, what should I do to help him feel better and move past it?

I think that it would be okay to ask him in advance what he would like from you. He may not be able to imagine quite what his reaction will be, but he might be able to give you some broad guidelines about how he reacts to bad news and what would be helpful to him. My spouse and I have opposite reactions to bad news (wanting to be left alone versus really wanting comfort) and it was very hurtful to me when he would leave just when I wanted his comfort the most. It's really helped to know what the other one wants, even if we still don't quite understand the other person's preferences.

[caezar86]

Hi All,

To tack onto this thread, I'm applying with my SO, and I'm worried that if he doesn't get into our top choice school (I've been interviewed, and it's looking positive, he hasn't heard back, and it's not looking good), I'll be crushed, and not able to console him to the capacity that I would want to as a partner. I know he tried his best, and if it doesn't work out, he'll be equally if not more disappointed. How should I approach this? Anyone else been in a similar situation? Thanks!

(We're applying to different programs at the same schools)

Edited February 21, 2011 by caezar86

[OwlBeYourFriend]

While I'm applying as well, but my SO and I are applying to different programs. The main thing for me right now is I haven't heard a word from anyone (except TfA) and he's had 2 interviews and an acceptance (which, btw, came 4 days after his interview). My advice, as the SO currently waiting it out, is just to be there, for the accept/reject, and also try and get their mind off of all the stress.