How to cope with forced schooling

[Just me]

I didn't see an introduction area, so I apologize if I'm sort of jumping the gun. Unlike many folks here, I am not happy to have been accepted into grad school. I am downright angry because I was forced to attend, much like how I was forced to get a $70,000 undergraduate degree. My idiot mother seems to think that tons of degrees = $100,000 job and I can pay off my loans in no time. Meanwhile, I have said in no uncertain terms (often while screaming bloody murder and having a seizing panic attack) that I do not wish to be in grad school. She doesn't hear it and I simply am told that I have to go for my own good. Apparently at age 23, I still get no say in how I live my life.

And why do I "need" to get a master's in art? So I can be over-qualified for most jobs? I don't ever intend to teach, so why I need another degree is beyond me - I can't even get a job with the one I already have. My biggest concern with this useless degree is the cost. Due to the obscene amount I owe to my last school, I did not qualify for a single loan. Not one red cent. So this means I need to pay almost $5000 every semester - which does not include hotel accommodations, housing, food, supplies for class, or travel expenses - out of pocket. Not easy when I make less than $10K a year. I got a $2000 scholarship last year, which was nice, but it barely helped. Of course my mother doesn't have a metaphorical pot to p*ss in or a window to throw it out of, so I am expected to surrender my hard-earned money for schooling I do not want. I was saving up that money to buy my own vehicle (borrow my mother's and she does not allow me to take it anywhere without her). There went several thousand I could have used for a semi-decent car.

Basically, I've found that the harder I kick, scream and fight to break away from this school, the longer the battle will be and I'll just lose anyway. So I admit it...I bend over and take it because it's easier on my sanity. I have contemplated going so far as to deliberately cause myself harm or illness in order to be too sick to attend, though I might just get forced to go. Since it's for my own good and all.

I don't know how to cope. I have also been informed that if I do not make a six-figure salary with my master's degree, I will "need" to get an even higher college education. Someone please hold me and tell me there's nothing higher than an MFA in art. Please. I can't handle more forced college. My first degree that I worked so hard to get, graduating with honors, perfect attendance, NHS member, 3.5 GPA....has gotten me a job doing telemarketing for minimum wage. A master's degree will not help me in any way. How do I get through the next few years without putting my head under the front wheel of a bus?

[wtncffts]

I'm truly sorry you're in this situation. It sounds awful. However, I have to say that you need to have some courage, stand up for yourself, and be an adult. Unless there's some real coercion going on which you didn't mention, nobody is 'forcing' you to go to school. Move out, or move to another city; do whatever you need to do. You have no say in how you run your life because you're allowing yourself to be dictated to. As for the degree, it's absolutely silly to think a Fine Arts degree of any stripe is going to guarantee a six-figure salary. Certainly not an MFA. Get out now.

[fuzzylogician]

You're an adult. You don't need to study for a degree that you don't want, and there is no rational reason to think that it (or any other more advanced degree in fine arts) will earn you a 100K salary. Even if it could, you shouldn't do it if it'll make you unhappy. You need to stand up for yourself and learn to say NO. Maybe you also need to put some physical distance between yourself and your mother, and in addition it would be advisable to think ahead and come up with a plan for what you'll do after you graduate. If you don't want to go to school -- don't. Get a job and live your life.

[spectralScatter]

Well you obviously are not an adult yet, since you rely so much on your parents and cannot stand up for yourself.

[flotsam]

Why does your mother assume that you'll make 6 figures if you get an advanced degree in fine arts? You can do some research online and show her what types of jobs there are and what the average salaries are. You need to regain some control of your own future and do both of you a favor by doing what YOU want. You sound like you are in over your head in many ways and allowing your decisions to be made by others sounds like a recipe for disaster. If you can't do this alone, seek the advice of an academic adviser or get some counseling so that you feel empowered enough to feel good about making your own choices. Do it quickly.

[Just me]

Believe me, it's not that I want to rely on her. But when I get forced to surrender my savings, I can't afford to move out. And I'm not sure what I'll do after I graduate; this forced art nonsense really makes me not want to make art anymore. Not only professionally, but personally, and I fear by the time I graduate, I will have lost all desire to make art. I know I need counseling...I just don't know where to start. How's it going to sound to say to her, "Mom, take me to counseling so I can learn to get away from you?" I swear this to you, I have no friends who drive their own vehicles who live nearby who could take me. I cannot afford a cab every week from where I live to town. So I have to turn to the internet for advice. Basically since no one can relate to what I'm going through, all I have gotten are some recommendations for books to read.

And for some screwed up reason, the only time I am on campus at school is the only time the counseling office is closed. Fabulous. I wonder how much pity would be had for me if I told the director of my major and the financial aid manager that I am in school against my will and what kind of financial aid can I receive.

My mother believes that having a college degree in anything at all will result in a six-figure income. She thought that about my bachelor's degree. Well I didn't have a six-figure job within a year of graduation, so it was time to haul me off to another college for more learning. I couldn't even get freelance jobs for two bucks an hour with my bachelor's degree, so obviously that means I need to sink $50,000 and four MORE years in a master's of fine arts. That way, I can be a super-famous artist who makes a million dollars an hour.

Sadly, as said, I've found that allowing people to live my life for me is just...easier for me. Putting up a fight just makes it a lot more painful before ending the same as if I just accepted that my life is not mine. My mother never got to go to college, so she's going to live vicariously through me. That's why whenever I do well in school, she puts it in the local paper as, "Just Me did (thing) at (school). Her mother is (Mom)...." And she feels she is right about everything. I've told her I don't want to go. I've told her I can't afford to go. I've told her some people can't pay off their loans and have to leave the country. I've told her that she's a co-signer for many of my loans and if I can't afford to pay them, she gets her house taken away. Nothing seems to bother her because obviously I'm going to be raking in the dough with my art degrees and she's going to somehow make $25,000 extra appear every year for me to pay off my loans. Yeah, when she has $13,000 in credit card debt because she can't afford her own bills.

Hell, last time she drove me to meet the people I would be traveling with (total strangers), I wanted to open up the car door while in motion and have someone crush me with their vehicle. More times than I can count I have wanted to die because of her...I just lack the strength to make that happen. I know it sounds extreme, but I am just that desperate for escape. Maybe I should get on anxiety meds or something.

[flotsam]

Just Me, your mom is living her life through you. She wants her dreams to be your dreams, your successes to be her successes. You probably know that you are fulfilling something in her that she doesn't get elsewhere and this is beyond the scope of what is healthy for her. And it is holding you back as well. It is a vicious cycle, as you can see. She needs, you attempt to meet her needs while ignoring yours, you can't meet her needs, you feel like a failure, she comes up with her idea of a solution and the cycle begins anew.

All parents want their kids to be successful unless their kid's failure perpetuates a sense of being needed. This is not working for you because you are miserable. Some kids honestly don't mind this but your feelings of anxiety are sort of like the feelings you get when you feel pain in some part of your body. That pain is a signal that something is probably not right, something needs to be fixed. Your angst is your signal that some part of your mind needs resolution and that this situation is impeding your forward progress. Breaking away is not going to be easy. These patterns are probably well established and only good advice from a professional will help you to gain some buy-in to your own solution. You would probably find it difficult if not impossible to just tear yourself away from this situation and move on because there would be a void that might just be filled with all sorts of guilt and grief. Have you considered counseling WITH your mom? She needs to find her own strengths and allow others to appreciate her for her merits and not yours. Meanwhile, if you are not happy with the prospects of continuing your education at this time, any movement in that direction might squash your interest and creativity anyway.

Please don't wait any longer to get help. The college you are attending has counseling services and they are well-equipped to deal with these kinds of problems or refer you to just the right people who can help you find some peace.

[Bonkers]

Just Me, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It is definitely not easy to disappoint your parent(s). Growing up, my mother told me I had three career options: doctor, lawyer, pharmacist (eh, I'm Asian, these expectations are not uncommon). Of course, it came to a point in which I had to let her down. It was hard, but now I am studying what I want to study. Disappointment comes and goes. You need to draw the line at some point and it is going to suck ass when you do, but it is your life and if you have an idea of what you want to do then you should do it. My mother is still pissed I am going into sociology, but at the same time, she has learned to be supportive... pissed but supportive. Honestly, I just think she is waiting for me to marry a doctor or banker. If you are living your life for your mother, then I say, screw it, suck it up and get that damn MFA. However, you sound miserable, so stop it. You are digging yourself into debt to do something you don't want to do.

[hello! :)]

Hey Just me,

I don't have any advice for you, but I can tell you about my situation... and maybe you can tell me which kind of nagging is worse...

I'm female and asian american. But unlike my other asian american friends, my mom doesn't care much about pursuing higher education. In fact, she was disappointed that I had not found a husband by the end of my undergraduate degree. According to her logic, the reason why I should go to a great university is so that I can have better choices on the man that I should marry. "Doctors are preferred... no lawyers because they're dishonest," she says.

Anyway, long-story-short, she thought it was silly of me to want to pursue grad school and spend all my time in the research lab. I applied anyway and got into a great program at one of the Ivy leagues. When I told her this, she changed her tune. She is now ecstatic because she has convinced herself that I've "saved" myself throughout undergrad so that I can go to grad school at an Ivy league and find me a nice husband there. Can we say "delusional"?? haha The twist is that I do not plan to marry a man because I like women!

[flotsam]

[quote name=hello! ' timestamp='1301210721' post='232697]

Hey Just me,

I don't have any advice for you, but I can tell you about my situation... and maybe you can tell me which kind of nagging is worse...

I'm female and asian american. But unlike my other asian american friends, my mom doesn't care much about pursuing higher education. In fact, she was disappointed that I had not found a husband by the end of my undergraduate degree. According to her logic, the reason why I should go to a great university is so that I can have better choices on the man that I should marry. "Doctors are preferred... no lawyers because they're dishonest," she says.

Anyway, long-story-short, she thought it was silly of me to want to pursue grad school and spend all my time in the research lab. I applied anyway and got into a great program at one of the Ivy leagues. When I told her this, she changed her tune. She is now ecstatic because she has convinced herself that I've "saved" myself throughout undergrad so that I can go to grad school at an Ivy league and find me a nice husband there. Can we say "delusional"?? haha The twist is that I do not plan to marry a man because I like women!

[hello! :)]

OK I thought about it and I think your situation is definitely worse because my program funds me and I'm actually moving farther away from my home next year.

In any case, I agree with the other people here... Don't give in! And definitely DON'T EVER GIVE UP PLEASE!! I understand how difficult it is to say no to one's mother. They can be extremely passive aggressive and emotionally manipulative... In the end, it always seems to feel like we're the one that's doing something wrong. Well, I know that I'm not the perfect daughter. I'm trying my best to live my own life and love her with all my heart – all at the same time. Of course, she doesn't believe the latter because of the former, but it has gotten better over the years...

[Just me]

My mother is rather interesting...when I do something "right" (what she wants me to do), boy she can't wait to tell the whole world that HER daughter did this or that and HER daughter is so smart and talented and did she mention that she's my MOTHER? But I do something I want to do that doesn't line up with what she feels is right, I get told how dumb I am, how I have no common sense and instructed on how to do things "right." She hates her job so much (working with EKGs at the hospital) that she forced me to go to college so I would have a better life than her. Hell, she tried to discourage me from doing art until I got to high school when my art teacher told her to knock it off. Now she thinks me doing art is some kind of cash cow that will land me loads of money. Of course, I got back at her by picking an undergrad college six hours away. But that backfired when I found out that my first college was a diploma mill and some employers specifically will not hire grads from my last school because we are taught so badly.

I likely will need professional help because Mom's been training me to be obedient all my life. Screaming, passive-aggression, guilt trips, crying...basically making it sound like I'm causing her some kind of suffering by daring to stray from the path she has chosen for me. And she will not go to counseling because she feels she is doing what is best for me and therefore her behavior is justified and correct.

But honestly, I want to thank everyone for being supportive and offering constructive advice. Some folks I mentioned this to before have told me things like, "Just be grateful she's making you go!" and "Just get up and move out!" like it's the easiest thing in the world. It isn't. I know she has messed me up in the head very, very badly, and I do hope at some point I am able to get help. Not only to learn to break this cycle of mental abuse, but also so I don't turn out like her when I get older. My friends keep me sane, but I know I need a professional to listen and tell me how to reverse the damage that has been done as well as how to prevent further mental breakdown at her hands. I love my mom and I know she does a lot for me...but I wish she would just let me make my own choices. By the time I'm old enough to live my own life, I may be too infirm or too old or too in debt. At this rate, I can maybe look forward to lining my clothing with my diplomas while I live behind a dumpster.

Too bad I didn't major in psychology (which I did strongly consider)...I could give myself therapy.

Edited March 27, 2011 by Just me

[drumms9980]

All of life can be explained by the Godfather

[natsteel]

[quote name=hello! ' timestamp='1301210721' post='232697]

She is now ecstatic because she has convinced herself that I've "saved" myself throughout undergrad so that I can go to grad school at an Ivy league and find me a nice husband there. Can we say "delusional"?? haha The twist is that I do not plan to marry a man because I like women!

[hopefulwoolfian]

My mother is rather interesting...when I do something "right" (what she wants me to do), boy she can't wait to tell the whole world that HER daughter did this or that and HER daughter is so smart and talented and did she mention that she's my MOTHER? But I do something I want to do that doesn't line up with what she feels is right, I get told how dumb I am, how I have no common sense and instructed on how to do things "right." She hates her job so much (working with EKGs at the hospital) that she forced me to go to college so I would have a better life than her. Hell, she tried to discourage me from doing art until I got to high school when my art teacher told her to knock it off. Now she thinks me doing art is some kind of cash cow that will land me loads of money. Of course, I got back at her by picking an undergrad college six hours away. But that backfired when I found out that my first college was a diploma mill and some employers specifically will not hire grads from my last school because we are taught so badly.

I likely will need professional help because Mom's been training me to be obedient all my life. Screaming, passive-aggression, guilt trips, crying...basically making it sound like I'm causing her some kind of suffering by daring to stray from the path she has chosen for me. And she will not go to counseling because she feels she is doing what is best for me and therefore her behavior is justified and correct.

But honestly, I want to thank everyone for being supportive and offering constructive advice. Some folks I mentioned this to before have told me things like, "Just be grateful she's making you go!" and "Just get up and move out!" like it's the easiest thing in the world. It isn't. I know she has messed me up in the head very, very badly, and I do hope at some point I am able to get help. Not only to learn to break this cycle of mental abuse, but also so I don't turn out like her when I get older. My friends keep me sane, but I know I need a professional to listen and tell me how to reverse the damage that has been done as well as how to prevent further mental breakdown at her hands. I love my mom and I know she does a lot for me...but I wish she would just let me make my own choices. By the time I'm old enough to live my own life, I may be too infirm or too old or too in debt. At this rate, I can maybe look forward to lining my clothing with my diplomas while I live behind a dumpster.

Too bad I didn't major in psychology (which I did strongly consider)...I could give myself therapy.

My boyfriend's dad is rather similar- only wants him to get a PhD, despite the fact that he's happier (and making more money!) working for industry. As a pretty passive person, I know how hard it is to stand up for yourself- I am a people-pleaser that avoids conflict at all costs. Perhaps you can take a more roundabout way? Don't tell your mother that you don't want to get an MFA, present it as wanting to work a few years so that you'll be not burned out and more committed to school when you eventually go. Then once you get a job and the ability to move out (and I know that's much easier said then done, both due to the economy and the hold your mother has on you), you can freely decide not to go, without it being tied to your housing and financial stability. Making a stand is a great idea in theory, but in this situation doing it quietly and gradually can be more to your advantage (and less scary. And there is no shame in taking baby steps ).

[Just me]

I was trying to take baby steps in saving up each paycheck for a vehicle of my own. But as mentioned, that got ripped from me for tuition. I guess it just angers me because I have so many freedoms unnecessarily taken from me on a regular basis and I go crazy when it happens each time. Like when my boss told me I couldn't draw at work after I'd been doing so for over a month (boring job - does NOT require full attention) and told me that being an artist is exactly like cold-calling, I wanted to hit her. And I don't mean that lightly - I actually wanted to reach over her desk and beat her face bloody. When loved ones control me, I cry...when people I don't like control me, I get very angry. Either way, I become unstable and it's not fun.

And sadly, my mother has already told me I need to get my degrees now now now. She forced me into college right after high school. She had me applying to grad schools before I even got out of undergrad. Odds are she will have me hunting for a PhD in art (I don't think such a thing exists) before I'm done with grad school. Basically, there is no compromise with her...if you don't do it her way, she screams and verbally abuses me until I agree to everything she says. And I know my breaking down and doing as she says has roots in my childhood. Waxing psychologist now, I used to just do what she said when I was a kid because she would always threaten to hurt or kill my grandmother (her mother, with whom we lived) if my grandmother ever shot her mouth off when Mom screamed at me. So I just did whatever she said so no one got hurt. I would even lie if I had to. It was just a connection my young mind worked out and now as an adult, while my grandmother has long since passed away, I still have some thing in my head that says, "Do what she says or something bad will happen."

And my mother is also at an age now where she could have a stroke or a heart attack. She is really really good about working herself up and stressing herself out really really badly. I worry I would make her sick or worse if I don't do things her way, and I don't know if I could live with such guilt. I know this sounds silly and I think I'm going into "life story" mode. I guess I should at least be happy that I was "allowed" to go to college for something I wanted to do rather than something of her choosing. It's not even the schooling that bothers me...it's the loss of freedom of choice as well as financial crises. It's this nonsense of, "I know you better than you know you."

Edited March 28, 2011 by Just me

[Lisa44201]

If you don't start living your life for yourself, now, when will you?

I was trying to take baby steps in saving up each paycheck for a vehicle of my own. But as mentioned, that got ripped from me for tuition. I guess it just angers me because I have so many freedoms unnecessarily taken from me on a regular basis and I go crazy when it happens each time. Like when my boss told me I couldn't draw at work after I'd been doing so for over a month (boring job - does NOT require full attention) and told me that being an artist is exactly like cold-calling, I wanted to hit her. And I don't mean that lightly - I actually wanted to reach over her desk and beat her face bloody. When loved ones control me, I cry...when people I don't like control me, I get very angry. Either way, I become unstable and it's not fun.

And sadly, my mother has already told me I need to get my degrees now now now. She forced me into college right after high school. She had me applying to grad schools before I even got out of undergrad. Odds are she will have me hunting for a PhD in art (I don't think such a thing exists) before I'm done with grad school. Basically, there is no compromise with her...if you don't do it her way, she screams and verbally abuses me until I agree to everything she says. And I know my breaking down and doing as she says has roots in my childhood. Waxing psychologist now, I used to just do what she said when I was a kid because she would always threaten to hurt or kill my grandmother (her mother, with whom we lived) if my grandmother ever shot her mouth off when Mom screamed at me. So I just did whatever she said so no one got hurt. I would even lie if I had to. It was just a connection my young mind worked out and now as an adult, while my grandmother has long since passed away, I still have some thing in my head that says, "Do what she says or something bad will happen."

And my mother is also at an age now where she could have a stroke or a heart attack. She is really really good about working herself up and stressing herself out really really badly. I worry I would make her sick or worse if I don't do things her way, and I don't know if I could live with such guilt. I know this sounds silly and I think I'm going into "life story" mode. I guess I should at least be happy that I was "allowed" to go to college for something I wanted to do rather than something of her choosing. It's not even the schooling that bothers me...it's the loss of freedom of choice as well as financial crises. It's this nonsense of, "I know you better than you know you."

[LJK]

Contact your university's counseling center by phone or email - explain that you can't be there during normal office hours but you really need help - they will find a way to help you! There are likely community hot lines and resources out there that will help you get the help you need - perhaps even give you a ride to meet with someone. Its great that you are reaching out to us here on the GradCafe, but due to the nature of the forum, none of us are able to give you the kind of help you really need. Please get that help! Life is worth living! When you suggest that you are not strong enough to do harm to yourself, that indicates what a bad place you are truly in - strong people live, deal with the crap life throws their way, and find a way to make their lives better! Have the strength to ask for help from people around you, that is the first step out of what sounds like a horrible situation.

Edited March 28, 2011 by LJK

[wtncffts]

I think the whole tenor of your comments suggests that you're resigned to your situation: you talk about coping, etc. You have to realize that nothing's going to change if you don't make an effort. I certainly know that feeling: you're absolutely miserable in your situation but you are so accustomed to it that you can't even imagine anything else. I think it's right that you seek psychological support, but there are a few things you could do to create a sense of separation from your mother right now.

For instance, you've talked about being 'forced' to surrender your savings, etc. I'm assuming, and correct me if I'm wrong, that means you're somehow dependent on your mother financially, i.e., you have joint accounts or something, such that you can't do anything without her. If that's the case, you should set up your own accounts and make sure your earnings are deposited there. That way you'll have complete and exclusive control over your finances.

Second, do not rely on your mother or her car for transportation, or do so as little as possible. I know that sounds small and kind of trivial, but I'd suggest that depending on her to go anywhere only reinforces your actual and psychological dependence. Take public transportation, walk, get a bike, whatever you need to do to inculcate in yourself a sense of independence.

I know you say you can't move out, but I think it's really a necessary and vital step. Especially from your last post, you whole living environment seems incredibly toxic and damaging. See if you can move in with friends, even for a short time, or look for a roommate to lower the costs.

Going back to my first points, you absolutely must stop thinking of yourself as a victim; it's self-reinforcing and destructive. You are an adult; you are an autonomous human being of independent moral worth, and you cannot be forced to do what you don't want to do. In a real sense, it isn't your mother who is, for instance, forcing you to apply to grad school (what does that even look like?), but you forcing yourself to obey your mother. This you have to break out of.

[Just me]

Thankfully, I do not share an account with my mother. I simply made the error of mentioning saving up for a car of my own and she told me that since she could not pay for my college all herself, I was expected to give up all my money for tuition. Also, I live way, way out in the country...no buses, walking would just take too long (about 20ish miles to town), and I just do not have the money for a taxi to come out here every day to take me to work. None of my friends who are within reasonable driving distance own their own vehicles either, so they could not come and get me. Basically, it's a matter of going with my mother. I bought myself a bicycle once too, but it mysteriously disappeared...I think because my mother is convinced people would intentionally run me over on the road, so she just kind of threw it away and said someone stole it.

And yes, I admit I do live in a toxic home. It's not only my mother - her boyfriend is another always-right type who verbally abuses me, but his crap I can usually laugh off because he's a moron. But my mother also makes me kowtow to him and do favors for him because she needs him to do "men's work" around the house. Like if he wants me to do something, I have to drop everything and do it that very second or he tattles on me, and then my mother lectures me. I might have to look into the low-income housing locally since that may be the only place I (or some friends and I) could actually live. I certainly could not afford a normal living space on my salary. Hell, last time I was in class, I was in NYC. I contemplated not going home and just living out of my suitcase on the street for a while.

I know I sound like a 'professional victim,' but I try my best not to. I guess it's just because I have tried so many things and had them fail miserably. And I admit often times I just give up - I have basically learned to not fight because a struggle will just make my defeat even more painful, so my automatic response seems to be to just not argue and do what I'm told. Which might make me a good employee, but maybe not a good person. I know I'm weak, fearful and dependent, and I know I need a kick in the behind. And I know the folks here may not be shrinks and can't give me counseling, but I promise I am grateful for all advice, commiseration and encouraging words. It does help a lot to not be told what a childish idiot I am. I wonder if I'm messed up enough to write a book about my life...

I've told people in class about this because they noticed I was sorely depressed when I was there and they all kind of told me to just buck up and enjoy the program. I never said I hated the program...I hate the cost.

[Strangefox]

And my mother is also at an age now where she could have a stroke or a heart attack. She is really really good about working herself up and stressing herself out really really badly. I worry I would make her sick or worse if I don't do things her way, and I don't know if I could live with such guilt. I know this sounds silly and I think I'm going into "life story" mode. I guess I should at least be happy that I was "allowed" to go to college for something I wanted to do rather than something of her choosing. It's not even the schooling that bothers me...it's the loss of freedom of choice as well as financial crises. It's this nonsense of, "I know you better than you know you."

You should not worry that your decision to do whatever you want with your life can hurt your mother. Your mother is emotionally torturing you - how can you feel guilty if a person who is torturing you does some harm to him/herself in the process?? It is not your fault!

Your mother doesn't feel guilty about making your suffer, though she should!

You must not think, as you write, that you should at least be happy that you were "allowed" to go to college for something you wanted to do rather than something of her choosing. This situation is not normal! There is nothing to be happy about!! You got accustomed to it so for you it might seem like something normal. But believe us, people from this forum, who are absolutely appalled by what your mother is doing to you. It is wrong!

You should find some councelling, because people there can really help you. We will support you and give you advice, but that's all we can do in this virtual space. You must act, and you must act now.

Please believe in yourself! Don't give up! You can change this situation, but you must do the first step yourself. Find councelling!! They will help you.

And remember that here on this forum you will always find friends who will give you advice and support you.

[Strangefox]

I have basically learned to not fight because a struggle will just make my defeat even more painful, so my automatic response seems to be to just not argue and do what I'm told.

YOU MUST FIGHT

YOU MUST ACT

YOU CAN CHANGE THIS AWFUL SITUATION

[Herbie]

Sounds like you live with your mom.

That situation needs to end soon. The more advantages you give Godzilla to control your opportunities, the more obligated you'll feel to stay in child-mode and not tell her to kiss rocks. I'd say that money you saved up should go to getting a new place to stay, with a roommate, significant other, family member . . someone who is not She.

Edit* This is your life. Please do remember that. Sounds like your mother is coping through domination. Don't let her life's run slow you down and make you a bitter, bitter child of her's, and an adult.

Edited March 28, 2011 by Tired

[UnlikelyGrad]

Suggestions:

(1) Get out of that house as soon as possible. Do not put up with abusers/controllers if you can avoid it. I don't care if she IS your mom. She is not your god(dess) or your Dungeon Master. You do not have to do what she says.

(2) Read the book "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No." Many good lessons I wish I had learned earlier in my life.

Don't go to grad school unless you really want to.

[psycholinguist]

Honestly? You're being routinely abused and manipulated. Your mother may have started out with good intentions, but along the way she's convinced you that you aren't entitled to freedom, independence, or any self-worth whatsoever. She and her boyfriend are threatening to kill other family-members if you don't do what they want you to? This is exactly the sort of thing that kidnappers say to their victims in order to keep them from running away and getting help. Sounds like a personality-disorder, possibly several at once. One way or another, their actions are bordering on brainwashing. This is NOT okay, NOT normal, and NOT something that you or anyone 'deserves' for any reason at all. It is way out of control.

My advice? Call the police. Tell them you're in an abusive and otherwise inescapable home situation and need to be rescued. They can act as a barrier between you and your mother/her boyfriend; for instance, they can impose an order-of-protection on the situation. See here for more details.

Best of luck. Please keep us up-to-date.