Making the biggest decision of my life - I have to decide which dream I want...

[yoshiko]

If you are reading this, you too are probably also making a big decision in your life. I am now in a complete dilemma because I have so many options and all of them are great and bad. I know that my decision will impact my life greatly. I have too many dreams and I don't see it being possible to achieve all of them and so now...I must decide between my dreams...(corny I know, but reality)

Career dream: To get my PhD. I love academia. I already have my M.A. and am have been teaching for a few years at universities/community colleges and love it. People in my field can see me becoming something more than just an adjunct.

I've received three admittances with funding offers and all of them sound great. I've already staggered them in order of which one I want and so deciding between programs is actually not a problem.

Family dream: I am currently in a serious relationship. I love him dearly. He is very successful where he is now - in fact he makes three times as much as the average tenured professor. I would never ask him to move for my PhD studies and he has said he wouldn't move. I still applied to programs because I wanted to see what my chances were because it is my career dream. But now that there are offers on the table, reality is setting in. My partner has told me that he wants me to stay here, get married, and start a family. He says that I should be happy with my M.A. (I am by the way!) and continue to adjunct, despite the short fall and temporal conditions of adjuncting because he says he can support me no matter what.

TL,TR: I want a family too, I love him, I love where I live. Adjuncting is not as bad as many people have said. I have my foot in the door in a few places and even though I never know HOW many classes I will teach, I normally teach every semester.

So now I am caught with choosing between my family dream or my career dream. A long distance relationship under these conditions would be almost impossible. A PhD would change me. I know it would because I want it to. I don't want to rush through a PhD either and run home to be ABD. I want to experience life as a PhD student. BUT i also love love love him and want to stay here too.

I am in my mid to late 20s.

I know ultimately, this is my decision and it is a hard one. But I needed to vent this out to an anonymous crowd and if anyone has similar positions that would be interesting to read.

I have until April 15th (like many of you) to make my final PhD decision.

[foucaultmania]

Go for PhD. You can always find a good person for the family but PhD acceptance with good funding is not possible every year.

[Sane]

Ouch. That is a tough decision.

It may not be as impossible as you think to have a long distance relationship under these circumstances. 3-4 years is not a long time. I'm not sure what ABD means, but you may have to make a sacrifice somewhere.

Since he's making that much, he can fly you down to see him every other weekend. If you really love each other, and are already planning to marry eventually, you can become engaged with the vow to marry once you have finished your studies. It's very hard, but it's not impossible. My roommate did this for the past three years during his undergraduate, and it worked out for both of them.

What does he think, apart from his ideal result of you staying? Surely he must love academia as much as you do, and therefore be able to empathize with your situation right now.

Edited March 24, 2012 by Sane

[Babar_Suleman]

If you pursuing your dream is a deal breaker for HIM, he isn't worth it. But if he's supportive and you think he's the one and you love him, a Ph.D. will never come close to that.

[NeuroGal]

I think you will regret it if you don't pursue your PhD. You have to live your life for you and not for someone else. If he is meant to be with you and vice versa, he can wait. I know it's hard, but if he dies in 20 years and you are left on your own, what will you have to show for it? Will you be satisfied that you didn't achieve what you could have based on a potential husband?

[snes]

Wow, that's tough! Maybe a long-distance relationship for awhile would be good for you both - if you can survive it, you know you're both committed and serious enough to start a family. And it looks like he has a enough money for you to visit each other more than a few times per year. I know you said you don't want to rush home and be ABD, but do any of your programs allow you to not be in residence once your coursework is done to do your dissertation? If they don't give you the $$ for that but still let you stay in the program, it sounds like he would be able to support you both anyway.

[ktel]

I think people throw out the long-distance relationship way too casually. It's more than just difficult, for many couples it's impossible.

Only you know how much you are willing to sacrifice for your relationship without being bitter. And only you know what you value most. Some people think it's an easy choice, that you should always put yourself first. I know, personally, relationships are probably the most important thing to me and I would have no problem putting a lot of things aside for them. That being said, I've never really had to, as my SO is incredibly supportive and I think would also be willing to put a lot of things aside if there was something I really wanted.

[dntw8up]

Life requires compromise, sometimes a lot of difficult compromise. You're in love, you want to be a parent, you like where you live, and you like your work. You may not have the education you've dreamed about, but you sound pretty content with your life. For what it's worth, nothing prevents you from reading, thinking, and writing about the material PhD students in your field study, and intellectual communities specific to your field can be found online. Ultimately only you can know whether you'd be happy giving up the relationship, home, and job you enjoy for the chance to acquire the academic experience you've dreamed about and the possibility of increasing the types of employment options available to you.

[Sigaba]

From the information you've provided, it seems that your guy values his sense of fulfillment more than he values your desire for a self-efficacious life. It also seems that your guy is willing to trade your opportunity for self efficacy for his vision of his future. If this dynamic works for you, it works for you. (However, were you my friend, I'd be asking "Does this dynamic really work for you?" until I was blue in the face.)

FWIW, I've done fields for two professors in two different fields of psychology. Both made the point that a person isn't fully formed until he/she reaches his/her late twenties/earlier thirties. That is, the person you are now is not who you'll be ten years from now. In ten years, there will still be plenty of men around who will think you're the bee's knees. But will there also be opportunities for you like the ones you have now?

[habanero]

Don't ever give up your dreams for a man. You are still quite young and will undoubtedly still be able to find/create your 'dream family'. Your dream career needs to be built NOW. You can't do it after raising children.

However, you may not get everything that you want. It will be very difficult to find another highly paid husband, work hard to get tenure, have children, be a young mother, AND have time to raise them/have your partner be at home with them. Understand that you will be trading your PhD for part of the dream family. Will you sacrifice your husband with an amazing job in order to have a husband who stays with the children? Will you sacrifice tenure to have more time with your family? Will you and your husband need to pay a nanny to stay with your children most of the time? Will you sacrifice tenure at a prestigious university to have children in your early thirties?

There are a lot of things to think about, and I hope you make the right decision. Your boyfriend's rigidity on this issue gives me a great deal of pause; are you comfortable with this?

[yoshiko]

I really appreciate everyone's response to this so far. Reading other people's opinions really helps me put things into perspective.

My partner is somewhat supportive of me getting a PhD. According to him, he wouldn't break up with me BUT he would be pessimistic about the future. He would try to make it work but he knows that it would be incredibly difficult. He had a long distance relationship before and it went really bad and so he is putting his previous experience into this - I can't blame him and I am also not that optimistic about it working wonderfully. But at least we are being honest about this...

I'm still very torn. Some of my friends have said that if I am this torn about it, then I am probably secretly more into the PhD because if I was really set on getting married and staying here, then I wouldn't really be thinking twice about it. I think I might need to step away from this for a day or so...drive somewhere alone and really really think.

[Faythren]

OH MY GOD WE HAVE ALMOST THE SAME PROBLEM.

Sorry. It's seriously super close. Kind of. My partner and I are both trying to go for PhD, he already has his MA and has been teaching for a few years here, while I'm finishing my MA up now (why yes, I should be working on my thesis right now, shush). The problem for us is that I've gotten in at a great program with fantastic funding, but he hasn't. And it's like 800ish miles away. If just I go, we probably separate because if he doesn't get in next year, we're stuck. If we both go, he HAS to try to attend that university, won't have other options in the area. If I defer or decline and stay here for a year, I die a bit on the inside, get stuck with student loan payments way earlier than anticipated, and have to go through the application and waiting process all over again. None of them are great options, and we're also pretty candid about that. Family, friends, and advisors are all pushing and pulling me in different directions.

I haven't got an answer for you, it's just nice (or less gut-wrenchingly miserable) sometimes to know you're not alone. I hope that whatever you pick, it makes you happy.

[Nerd_For_Life]

You mentioned that the universities were not where you are currently living, how far away are they? Would it be a compromise to choose the one closest to him? Why does he want you to sacrifice and settle when he is not sacrificing anything and he gets to live his dream? It seems a little unfair to me. I'm in a similar situation:

When I was applying to grad schools my partner (we've been together for over six years) & my professors pushed me to apply to universities outside of Canada (I live in BC), Cambridge, Australian National University, etc. I applied to those and to the University of Toronto. Then when the reality of moving and whatnot set in my partner told me that he wanted to be able to pursue school and preferred that I stay in country. The solution we have come up with is a compromise: I'm still going to pursue my dream of grad school (MA & PhD), but I will stay in Canada. He's not happy that we're moving to another province, but he's happy that I'm staying in Canada, that we'll still be living together, and that he can continue his studies (if he decides to) and goals as well. I'm happy that I get to stay with him, like the program that I'm going into (although if I was a single gal I would choose Cambridge), and financially I appreciate that this decision leaves me with a lot more money left over which I am going to use to make a down-payment on a house.

Having a relationship and pursuing the higher levels of academia is complicated. Both people have to give a little and sacrifice a little. You have to know what you can live with, what will make you happy, and that you can follow through without resentment or regrets.

Edited March 25, 2012 by nicolemc

[respice finem]

How likely do you think you are to find another partner that fits what you want if you get the PhD? If you get the PhD and have a great career but miss out on the family, would that be worth it to you? It isn't just a question of whether you want a PhD. Basically, it comes down to an issue of risk. You seem pretty happy with the life you have now. What would you put the odds at that getting your PhD will lead to a better life?

[NeuroGal]

How likely do you think you are to find another partner that fits what you want if you get the PhD? If you get the PhD and have a great career but miss out on the family, would that be worth it to you? It isn't just a question of whether you want a PhD. Basically, it comes down to an issue of risk. You seem pretty happy with the life you have now. What would you put the odds at that getting your PhD will lead to a better life?

You actually bring up an important point that should be touched on. A PhD is a transformative experience. The liklihood that her needs will stay the same after going through a PhD program will be slim. That plus her age and the fact that she has yet to come fully into herself means that she will change somewhat as a function of time and education. Who knows how much? What I know is that I went into a PhD program in a long term relationship and it has changed me in ways I never predicted. It has been difficult because my partner is not in academia and it is somewhat alienating. I wouldn't have changed my decision for the world, but he is also very supportive of my goals and dreams and we were able to compromise on the location. Had he not been willing, I don't think I would have been able to stay because for me personally, my educational goals are extremely important to me. I happened to find someone who was a good fit for me and who was equally as interested in my success as his own success and vice versa.

Furthermore, there is an argument to be made that he is not at the moment fitting her needs perfectly. She wants to get her PhD, he is marginally supportive as long as it doesn't uproot his life. He's telling her she should be "content" with a MA, but higher education is a very personal decision. Although he may be content with an MA, she obviously isn't. Lastly, to assume that she would never find anyone else again is absurd. In a PhD program, you meet a lot of like minded people. I'd say the chances of her meeting someone else are staggering! Not to mention, women aren't usually lacking a selection of men. I've had wayyyy more opportunities for great relationships than I have had for PhD programs.

Edited March 25, 2012 by NeuroGal

[peachynestea12345]

you should have a serious talk with your loved one. is a long distance relationship really 'impossible' ? If he is unwilling to put the effort into a long distance relationship, you should have a seriously think about if this person is one you would want to spend the rest of your life with. A marriage/successful relationship takes a lot of effort, and the inability to tolerate a few years of a long distance relationship should really be a harbinger of what kind of relationship you will be getting yourself into. that being said, its really hard finding someone who loves your dearly and who you love dearly in return. if that guy really is worth it that much, you should stick with him. question is- is he really that important to you, and is he really worth it (in my opinion, if he really isnt going to work with you with a long distance relationship- he is not worth it). good luck with your decision

[K.Ash]

I am sort of in a similar position. I'm a few years younger then you (which I know changes the degree of 'pull' that the family dream has) and am in the most serious relationship I've ever had. I'm not positive that its headed that way but I'm pretty sure it could be. However, I'm moving to Washington, D.C. for my masters degree. That is where I want to be, at least for the next 5-10 years. He has known since we began dating that I didn't plan on staying in our current city (actually, at the time I was about to ship off to the Peace Corps... and DC is quite the compromise from Africa!) Sadly, he does not really like cities. We're going to try long-distance, but I'm pretty scared about what this could mean for us.

All that said, I've gotta do what I've gotta do. If I stayed (I, unlike you, am not happy where I am) and things didn't work out, then I've deferred my professional goals for nothing. I'd be terribly upset with myself. He doesn't love my plan but he is supportive. He has had a long distance relationship before and it did not end well. We're going to have a fun conversation tomorrow night since I just visited schools this weekend and am close to making a final decision. Now that reality is settling in, he may not feel the same way about trying a LDR. We'll see.

The fact that your BF says you should be happy with your MA.... that would be a red flag to me. He should want you to see your professional goals to fruition. Its great he can provide for you but personally I find that idea offensive. I'd like to provide for myself, thanks. Like others have said, if he doesn't stick around and support you... there are many other fish in the sea. I know it doesn't feel that way, but if my BF decided he couldn't do this then I would pick myself. Always.

This is definitely a highly personal decision, so I wish you luck and encourage you to do what feels right in your gut, even if it hurts in your mind or in your heart.

[ktel]

you should have a serious talk with your loved one. is a long distance relationship really 'impossible' ? If he is unwilling to put the effort into a long distance relationship, you should have a seriously think about if this person is one you would want to spend the rest of your life with. A marriage/successful relationship takes a lot of effort, and the inability to tolerate a few years of a long distance relationship should really be a harbinger of what kind of relationship you will be getting yourself into.

I think this is a little extreme. A marriage/successful relationship takes a very different kind of effort than a long distance relationship. Physical closeness can go a long way in difficult times, which you just can't get long distance. I've done long distance twice in my current relationship for periods of about 4 months, and it's extremely taxing. By the time you see each other again it takes time to get reacquainted. It's a strange experience.

[Ritd]

I don't know if I agree with everyone. I'm kind of in the opposite situation.

I got into two programs and one of them is a much better fit. The issue is that it is in a very small city, far from home, and offers little dating opportunities for a gay male in his late twenties. It's very much an undergrad town. In the midwest.

So I'm scared that I'm going to graduate at 31 or 32 and be completely single - still. And that frightens me, because it's not what I want from life. I'm very much a family-oriented person who wants the white picket fence. I'm tempted to pick the school/program that is a worse fit just because it's in a massive city.

One poster here said a family man would be easier to find than another PhD program in the future. I disagree. Love doesn't just happen all of the time. And if you got in to three programs, chances are that you could get in to others that are a bit closer to home. If it's true love, and you feel it in your bones that this is the person for you, I think you should re-apply next year to places in your city/a short commute away. But that's coming from an extremely single person.

[coffeeplease]

Two thoughts:

1) K.Ash has already touched on this but it is worth thinking hard about: If you gave up the Ph.D for your partner, and it didn't work out, could you still look back on that decision with no regrets?

2) Something more practical to consider: A family friend of mine adjuncts at a state school in the area (she only has an MA). She enjoys it, it worked out just fine for her, until she started having serious health problems. I'm not sure what kind of benefits the school provided, but whatever they were, they were insufficient, and she couldn't afford the kind of insurance that would cover treatments and medications. More permanent, stable positions in academia are obviously hard to come by, but consider the implications of not being qualified to even apply for them.

[yoshiko]

Reading these replies reflects exactly what I am thinking! I have probably thought everything you are all saying, which is why this decision is so hard.

Some of you asked if I would look back and regret my decision. I honestly think that either way, I am going to have a regret. If I go and get my PhD, I will have regret about not just staying where I am, financially comfortable, okay job, and an amazing partner. But if I stay, I will have regret about not exploring my abilities in this field. A POI at the grad program I am interested in, just emailed me telling me she would work with me...she is a big name in our field and she has already said she has space and is interested in being an advisor for me. Of course, once I start the program, this can change. But the possibility is amazing.

how can I pass this up?? But I am afraid that I will get extremely lonely without my partner....ugh again I know I have to make this decision but these responses are helping me...

[OldGrad2012]

If you have to decide which is more important. Pursuing your dream of a PhD and setting a name for yourself or just be happy with ur life right now with a job and a partner. For me, I also have to quit my high paying job and pursue the PhD because I cannot live not knowing what if I pass this opportunity up and regret it. I will be separated from my partner too because there is no job for her at where I plan to go to school. So this is also tough for me.

[psychgurl]

You also have to consider the likelihood of finding a tenure-track position in the area he is working even if you do stay together during your PhD. This is what worries me down the road... such a big unknown about where I'll end up...

As others have mentioned, I also had a bit of a queasy feeling about your SO not being fully supportive of your goal to get a PhD. If the tables were turned, how would you act? If there is a discrepancy there, maybe consider that. I just know that I would feel absolutely awful if I was the reason my boyfriend didn't go to get his PhD. It makes me sick just thinking about holding him back at my expense...I would do everything in my power to come up with a compromise and ensure that both of us were able to pursue our dreams.

Anyway, I really feel for you. This cannot be easy...I am often driven by my emotions/relationships even though I am a high achiever...I think you'll have to act based on a gut feeling rather than a clear pro/con decision. Best of luck.

[actioncat]

I'm just chiming in as an older student who left a comfortable life and relationship to pursue my academic dreams. The academic job market is as bleak as ever, but I have literally never once regretted my decision! Although this may not be what you wish to hear at just this moment, one benefit of pursuing my dreams has been finding a partner who is more supportive of ambitions than my previous one. I'm not saying that this is what happens to everyone, just sharing my experience.