Married/Dealing with an unmarried advisor

[Mew]

So I have a new advisor this year (our old one retired, and in out department this advisor is the only specialist in my field).  She is a year younger than me, and unmarried.  I am a year older than her, married, and have a child. She's a little condescending, and although she's never said anything directly, I sense a bit of friction.  

 

From the beginning I've tried to be supportive since this is her first year and listened openly to her advice and experience, but she's not very helpful and basically wants myself and the other grads to teach just like she does, which is not really helpful in an education program which is supposed to be about our developing our own style. 

 

The other day she praised the younger students, and then turned to me and gave a nit-picky criticism of one of my students which was beyond my control.

 

Anyone been (or in a similar situation)?  How do you handle a professor who seems to want to undermine your self esteem.  This woman is supposed to chair my thesis.

UGH!

[lewin]

What the heck does her being unmarried or younger than you have to do with it?

Edited January 12, 2013 by lewin00

[Nubbin]

Lewin, thank you for asking what the relative age/marital status has to do with the issue.

 

Mew, I am honestly interested in your perspective on how this may impact you. I hope that doesn't sound challenging, because it might help unravel that there is more at issue for you. The fact that you mention one year difference in age (one year! can that really be sigbificant?) makes me think there is more. 

 

Mew, you say that she seems to expect you and others to adopt her teaching style, and that is an issue for you because you are in a program where developing your own personal style is expected. Without more details of the situation, I would say that developing your style might include being open to others suggestions - including the advisor's - observing successful techniques, and adapting them or melding them to your successful tactis when appropriate.

 

 

[Nerd_For_Life]

What the heck does her being unmarried or younger than you have to do with it?

^^^This. I see absolutely no reason why her marital status or whether or not she has chosen to have children has anything to do with her abilities as an adviser, unless the real complaint is that she does not appreciate or has issues with how your other time commitments impact your performance. But since you haven't said that it seems irrelevant.

[juilletmercredi]

Why don't you have a polite but direct conversation with your advisor about your needs?  Explain your concerns to her in a mature, adult manner, and be prepared with solutions that require effort on your part as well as hers.  If she reacts badly, then it's possible that you are simply not compatible.

[DiamondWheelchair]

I think what Mew is saying is that this adviser might feel envious of Mew and therefore treating her a certain way (praise v nit-picking, speaking in a condescending tone). Mew, I have not been in your situation, that being said, I think you should just keep acting polite and professional with her. As long as you know what you are talking about, speak with confidence and carry yourself with pride, she can be grumpy about her position in life all she wants but it won't effect you.

[queenleblanc]

As an educator, I want to add a few things for you to consider. 

 

1. Any "supervisor" (advisor, administrator, professor, etc.) wants to see you try things that they find to be successful.  When you show them that you are trying their way but with your own style, they see you as a success.  

 

2. If you are feeling friction and feel like it's because of age or family differences, it could be a self-imposed "rationale" you are creating.  We always see things through the lens of our personal experiences and the life around us.  Perhaps it is really you making these comparisons about marital status or family status because you feel defensive after hearing criticism.  

 

3. It is possible that the friction is actually REAL.  The advisor/prof may realize that they are younger than you (the student), and that automatically creates a sense of "I have to show them that even though he/she is older, I am the expert in the room."  I've been in that position -- teaching people who are actually older than me and more experienced in other aspects of life, and it's a challenge to be the expert without coming across the wrong way.  Try telling them that you feel as though you are singled out for criticism at times and would appreciate all the ideas they have to offer but perhaps a more private setting for criticism (rather than in front of your peers) would be easier for you to hear.  We ALL have sensitivities in this area - around our peers, we want to feel confident, we want them to see how smart / good / put-together we are.  

 

4. Don't look at the praise of your peers versus the criticism of your work as a competition, or as a peer-against-peer thing.  It is work, part of your graduate training ... and ultimately your advisor WANTS to make you better.  If I had a professor willing to give me constructive criticism that would make me better, while only offering positive reinforcement to my peers, I would be grateful for the opportunity to improve.  In my K-12 teaching career, there were times that I was DYING to hear things that would make me a better educator.  I also had times where my peers got "empty" critiques and I felt like my critiques had a lot of meat in them (things I could really learn and change).  

 

5. You WILL develop your own style -- but part of the graduate experience is that you learn THAT school's philosophy, etc.  You don't have to buy the whole kit and kaboodle as far as assimilation, but they want to see you as a ____ (school name) university scholar that they can brag about.  

 

 

I don't know if this offers any insight that you can take to heart.  Do try to put the shoe on the other foot and see it from your advisor's perspective, and remember that it isn't really supposed to be "personal."  We ALL have a tendency to take things too personally.  Appreciate the opportunity to make yourself better, and if you feel unjustly criticized, back it up in a private discussion (rather than in front of your peers).  The maturity will be appreciated by your advisor and will speak volumes of your character.  

 

Good luck!  

Edited January 18, 2013 by kcald716

[Dal PhDer]

I might be too cynical to answer this...but I think you are experience a common interpersonal relationship that many students experience with their supervisors.

 

I have a new supervisor - he's older and married with kids - but I experienced some of the friction that you are experiencing. I wouldn't relate to their personal lives, but maybe to where they are in their career. I am sure she is dealing with a lot of new things, and may not have developed the 'managing' skills that more seasoned professors have. I have found that my professor expects me to learn the way he does. I am the polar opposite, so this has been difficult. I also like and freely/overly give positive critical feedback; whereas he doesn't. Students are going to find fundamental learning/teaching differences that they have to deal with when it comes to their supervisors. I personally think that it is sometimes easier when your supervisor can recognize that a student may learn differently than them, and can adapt to that (but also the student must adapt to their supervisor as well). I don't think this adapting to the learner skill is necessarily absent from new profs, but I do think it develops more through the act of supervising. 

 

I would try and have a discussion with your supervisor, pointing out what you like in terms of supervision, and how you two might come to a common ground to make the process easier. Also try and remember that your supervisor isn't required to like you, but you're also not required to like them. 

 

Good luck!

[hashslinger]

I think what Mew is saying is that this adviser might feel envious of Mew and therefore treating her a certain way (praise v nit-picking, speaking in a condescending tone). Mew, I have not been in your situation, that being said, I think you should just keep acting polite and professional with her. As long as you know what you are talking about, speak with confidence and carry yourself with pride, she can be grumpy about her position in life all she wants but it won't effect you.

Um, what? You think that an unmarried professor is walking around all secretly envious of a married student ... because lack of a spouse represents a "position in life" that one must be  "grumpy" about? Why not take the next leap--this female professor is obviously bitter because she isn't getting laid.

 

Please, we're grad students. Let's not perpetuate such sexist crap.

[ak48]

Um, what? You think that an unmarried professor is walking around all secretly envious of a married student ... because lack of a spouse represents a "position in life" that one must be  "grumpy" about? Why not take the next leap--this female professor is obviously bitter because she isn't getting laid.

 

Please, we're grad students. Let's not perpetuate such sexist crap.

 

That's what the OP's accusation is hinted to be, given that it's the title of the post with no other explanation.

 

I for one, think the accusation is ridiculous.

[Panama Slim]

I also think that the accusation is a bit untoward.  But it still could be true in this particular case.  For one thing, we don't know the age of the OP/advisor.  People do compare and contrast life milestones and the advisor could be doing such.  Also, if the typical student much younger, the advisor could be wondering why it took the OP so long it get started and is giving her a hard time.  Perhaps these life choices are perceived to be the cause of the OPs delay.  Maybe the OP is always blathering on about her life and has alienated others, including the advisor.

 

I hope the OP comes back and sheds more light on this issue.